“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Truthspeak:
We can take it a step further and say there’s “a reason” that the spath’s in our life did what they did. Is it because they have been abused, etc.?? I mean everything you said about my spath…he’s a liar, cheater and manipulator…the OW is all those also. She actually in a lot of ways is WORSE than him. She is actually the worst manipulator I have ever seen in my almost 49 years of life.
Sigh. I just don’t want to think about it anymore 🙁
Louise;
Good thing to stay away from alcohol as once it wears off, obsessive thoughts come back stronger, due to the rebound effect. In my situation, too much time allowed for too much thoughts regarding the x-spath. Busy work is not distracting, only real work that is engaging seems to help.
I too was in a situation of not “needing” money and felt that Wall Street or any corporate job would expose me to sociopaths, stress and aggravate my condition. Thus, told myself to stay away. In retrospect, I now wish that a year ago, I thought differently and taken steps then to get back working, with all the knowledge I now possess, as in the past, jobs stressed me not only due to my own insecurities but to my lack of understanding office politics and the nature of sociopaths.
To all;
Obsessive thoughts are a symptom of both depression and PTSD, as well as more severe conditions. SSRIs are not very effective, as they only work on serotonin, and obsessive thought are more due to dopamine/noradrenaline imbalances, which is with medicines prescribed for mania such as Seroquel work so well on obsessive thoughts. However, Seroquel is very “dumbing” and has other side effects. I would rather be obsessive than take that stuff.
Holistically, here is the best advice:
1) No caffeine. I realize this can be an issue; therefore, only drink green tea and none late in the day. Green Tea is low in caffeine and also contains Theanine, which is calming.
2) No alcohol.
3) Exercise, but early in the day if possible.
4) Take magnesium and a B-vitamin supplement.
5) High EPA fish oil. I take 6 grams per day, 2 grams with each meal.
6) Valerian seems to work, but it takes several weeks to kick in.
7) Theanine as a supplement is also calming.
BBE:
Thanks. I really appreciate your input and suggestions. I hope you are well today!
Louise, I have to “believe” that spath involvement had “A Reason” for me, or I’ll go stark raving mad. The OW may be a horror, but thank goodness she isn’t an important part of your life. The exspath’s recent playmate (the one that confirmed the deviant activities) is almost 30 years younger than me, has a daughter, and engages in the deviant activities inside her own home, possibly while that child is asleep or outside playing. Whether or not her baby-daddy-husband-whatever is a “playmate,” too is anyone’s guess. It just must suck to be THEM.
BBE, thank you for the holistic suggestions. Medications didn’t get me into this mess, and they sure as heck aren’t going to get me out! 😀
HUGS TO ALL
Truthspeak:
Me, too. I know without a doubt that God had a plan when he placed spath in my life. I know in which ways I have changed because of what happened to me and it all honors God now and no one else.
You are so right about that…thanks for pointing that out that OW wasn’t an important part of my life! Yes, we had been friends at work for five whole years and I thought that meant something, but apparently not and the way I was able to rid her of my life without being too terribly upset about it makes me realize that she was NOT that important…thanks for making me realize that.
It DOES suck to be them. Imagine. They are all miserable.
🙂
I went out for a bike ride and forgot to mention one other: no refined sugar.
There’s so much good stuff here and I’m so gosh darned tired and rushed right now (daughter will be home for a visit in just a few hrs!!) but I wanted to respond about a few things…sorry I don’t have time or energy to go back and forth and see which of you incredibly bright and intuitive babes said what.
Alcohol>I had not thought about alc and the rebound effect. Need to take that into consideration. I know after a glass of wine, I’m not obsessing or feeling any pain or unhappiness at all, but now that I’m older, I feel really drained and sleepy when it wears off. Very good pt tho.
PTSD-Absolutely!! And you know what, I’d call it plain trauma! Who wouldn’t be traumatized by a person who mesmerizes and brainwashes you, turns you inside out, in some of your cases drains you of everything you are and own, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially, then acts as if nothing signficant has occurred. Your life is ruined and they may not be wildly happy campers but you can’t even make them feel badly or in any way affect them!?! My heart, mind, every scintilla of feeling in my body goes out to those of you who went through a marriage or long relationship under torturous, gut-wrenching circumstances like this. PTSD-Big Time!
Louise, I agree with BBE, I believe, who said work does help and let me tell you, if I weren’t in Haunt City where Godzilla lurks behind each and every corner, I could probably forget his ass because the work is absorbing. Apparently, layoffs are coming so I may be on the street and at my age, very, very difficult to get a job. At any age really, but older…..so hard. However, I will try my hardest to find something and will be wildly relieved to be out of there!!!!!! A shrink once told me that there is nothing that helps with obsessive thinking and all other manner of anxiety issues like “purposeful work.” In fact, that was his cure for just about every garden variety problem and for me, I don’t think I’d be alive today without it *and* working out. I’m faithful on both fronts. And it does help.
I thought today that we and others who were sucked in by these dudes are obviously either inherently or environmentally sensitive to these types of people. They attract us. They don’t attract everyone. I can guarantee you that if Godzilla hit on some other women in my office the way he hit on me, he would have been outta there before he could finish the hit. That’s prob what happened in the end. Who knows?
Obsessing as well. Some people do and others would have blown it off by now….maybe not if their lives were completely shattered like those of many of you, and again, my heart, my heart is yours…it could easily have happened to me and though I didn’t marry a total path, I sure dated enuf of them.
I am still today astounded at how sick this moron is. He, the head of the dept hit on me, and I thought OMG, he must really, really like and trust me because he well knows I could tell his superior. Therefore, my head was completely engulfed in this feeling of euphoria and just pure joy that someone like him well, they went out on a limb like that, for “me”???? And the day he told me I was still a beautiful woman and there was “just something about” me….I said “Yeah, my wrinkles,” and he said ‘But I like your wrinkles.” Well you better believe I left that room on a cloud.
Being treated like I didn’t exist from time to time (most of the time) was nothing compared to the high I got from his obvious love for me….I mean, why would be put himself out there??? Well now I know and while I’m thankful, I will never be the same. Esp for someone with no confidence or esteem. Bastard. That’s for all of us, not just me.
Traumatized, you betcha! OK, I am going to go and make my daughter’s bed up with clean sheets and let her take advantage of me for a few days…..I owe her big time because the day she graduated from college, I couldn’t even concentrate on it….because of you guessed it, freaking Godzilla.
Big hugs…I am frustrated that I can’t go back and comment on all your posts….so much excellent advice and info. Have a peaceful evening….please.
still reeling:
Awww, glad your daughter is coming to visit…that is awesome! And so glad you stopped here to write.
I know, they just do damage no matter which way we look at it. I swear. I feel the same about us not going through even 1/10th of what everyone else has gone through, but even still, we were damaged. It’s amazing to me.
We WILL get over it sooner or later. It is just going to take a long time. Let’s just pray they don’t come back in the meantime!
Enjoy your daughter.
Truthspeak, re: the obsessive mental tapes, have you tried to meditate? It’s a goal for me. I tend to get turned off to things I don’t think I can do which is not a good thing, as I’ve proved that I can do most things I set my mind to if I persist. Never gonna re-wire a house or fix a terlet (been there and plumbers are *REALLY* expensive on the weekend.
There are some very easy and short variations on meditation that can really calm and focus you. I have tried these to soothing music and it really helps. Once you realize you really can get your mind around other things, it’s a major achievement and just that alone gets the endorphins going a little.
darwinsmom’s post is so spot on. Trying to force yourself to not thing about something will cause the opposite reaction. One thing that can help if just to allow yourself to think about him all you want…force it day and night. I think d.mom alluded to this as well. It will get old.
Personally, I promised myself once I realized I wouldn’t hear from him again, I would allow myself to grieve and not give myself a hard time about it. I’m glad I did that, but for us obsessives, that can go on for a very long time. So whether it’s kittens, rainbows or bloody path skulls, try to gently turn the mental tide. But first, a good round with a punching bag is such a great idea!!!! It cannot hurt and as d.mom said, it does help remove the rage which you can just feel eating into you from the inside out. Why give him your health????????? Hell no.
Yeah, Louise, I think he tried so hard with you because you unwittingly gave him a challenge….you were hard to get to. Must have driven 007 nuts. Good. I know you’re talking to the counselor about all this and would love to know what he thinks about why you willingly gave your heart to this pathetic psycho but not others who would treat you as you desesrve to be treated, with love and respect. Heck, I did the same thing. Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I’ve ever really surrendered to it in sense of those “real” married couples that are truly committed and are best friends as well as lovers. This could never happen with the guy I married who is good as gold but emotionally constipated.
It would be great to share the nuggets from our therapists if people are comfortable with this….just seeing it in front of your face as you share could be very therapeutic as well as giving the rest of the forum more grist for the mill.
Punching bag and letting the thoughts wash over you until it’s just a damned bore, also just talking to folks who have no idea about your issues is so refreshing. Getting into what they have to say and being thrilled that you *can*, where your path can’t. Letting go of the fact that you can figure this out. You can’t and if you could, it wouldn’t help.
As others have said, maybe this was meant to be and there is a reason for it. Very comforting. Make it a mantra as you go about doing things that bring you up and be patient with yourself. You deserve.