“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Gettingit:
I can’t find my resources….but Idid find an interesting article that shows ambiguity….
http://bjp.rcpsych.org/cgi/reprint/180/2/110
Maybe Steve…..or Liane….can answer this from a medical standpoint.
I know in legal cases (of which I speak, and may have been too soon…) Cluster B disorders can NOT be used as defense of Mental Illness…..
Sorry your honor….I’m a Narcissitic personality…..she asked for it!
🙂
My user name is “zimzoomit”. It is the phoenetic description for the Hebrew word, which is a little blue wildflower (learned it from working on a kibbutz for two seasons, in my 20s.)Hey, I’m not “shy” to debate these issues. My B.A. (though sometimes I think it’s worthless now, given our economy) was in Speech Communication, and not earned until I was age 40, and not until 1990. If not for a lousy first marriage to a verbally/emotionally abusive husband, I probably could’ve pulled a 4.0 GPA instead of a mere 3.3 (therefore maintaining the “3.5 to stay alive” necessary for “shoe-in” to a successful government career path), but that is what domestic abuse will do to a person, it threatens one’s cognitive abilities—can makes people numb and not able to concentrate as well as they might otherwise concentrate if not abused. But let’s not paint me with a wide brush as “homophobic”. Were I that, I would never have agreed to go see “Crying Game” with my ex. My life-long best friend’s third husband was on the DL, too. She nearly committed suicide when she discovered it. Fortunately, her final (fourth..it took experiencing THREE abusive husbands before she finally met her soul mate!) husband healed her. She’s led a long happy life since, raised three beautiful children to adulthood and successful careers, and found her own successful career, after she became empty nested, and I am happy for her (she was not a “homophobe” either; she told me that while raising her son, and after leaving the DL man, another gay guy had helped her out, on occasion, with food, etc., and helped raised her bruised spirits. But she told me that that DL husband of hers even tried to come on to her own brother one night, after everyone had gone to bed (her brother is not gay; he told my best friend what her husband had done in the wee hours of the morning..the DL husband had creeped to her brother, when her brother was sleeping on my best friend’s couch.) Her third husband, the DL guy, even had the gall, during their divorce proceedings, to glibly/smarmily say that anytime she wanted a f**k, to call him up. Had I kept in touch, month to month, year to year, with my best friend, she might have helped me avoid the Spath, to warn me about the Red Flags.
Yes, (intelligent) commenter above..I AM talking about sexual addiction, but also I wrote about, from where I think his addictions originated–about WHY I think he behaved (probably, I’ll wager, he still behaves) the way he did. He told me, after he ended things, that he’d spoken with his niece, who told him that his own father had come into her bedroom when she was a teen, at night, and molested her. I recall, the whole 8.5 years I lived with him, him telling me that he’d questioned all five of his sisters, asking them, “Did dad do anything ’untoward’ with you?” He told me, several times, throughout the years he lived with me, that he’d asked each of his sisters this question. I should also mention that when I spoke to (the alleged) Spath’s former (first) wife, she told me that she had become a social worker, and that she thought my ex was like the psycho in “Silence of The Lambs.” Subsequently, consequently, I thought to myself, “her experience with him must have led her to that professional path in life.” I think, also, that at least two of his sisters, the oldest ones, cosseted him, and financially helped him out, when he was in a fix, or so he admitted to me. One of his sisters, he said, even paid off his lawyers’ bills from his second divorce (from his 2nd wife); the other one, the oldest, lent him $17,000, but before he got the cash, she had him sign a document (filed, in court) that stated that if and when he went bankrupt, he COULD NOT write off his debt to her. He did go bankrupt. SISTERS, HAD I SEEN THAT DOCUMENT IN MY FIRST YEAR WITH HIM, I WOULD NEVER HAVE CONSENTED TO THE RELATIONSHIP; BUT HE DIDN’T SHOW IT TO ME UNTIL YEARS AFTER WE’D LIVED TOGETHER! I think she KNEW how irresponsible financially he was and could be. Wise woman! Wish I’d had a heart-to-heart, long conversation with her, in my first year with him. I used to beat myself for not having had that conversation. I forgave myself, finally, for not having it.) Now, finally, I’m going to have a healthy (hopefully) long, uninterrupted sleep (something rare for me.) Good night.
okay..to be honest, I’m up late tonight, because my partner is working his musical gig. I trust him. Very different from my former partner, another musician, who I recommend no one ever trust, after my 8.5 years with him. Recommended reading:
“Incest and Sexual Addiction” by John Bradshaw (no, I haven’t read the book yet, but will check it out from my library.) Excerpt:
“John Bradshaw presents his perspectives on new concepts of sexual abuse, including startling data on the extent of incest, three levels of sexual addiction, the dynamics of incested families, a profile of sex offenders and predators and a profile of the partners of sex addicts (COSA–Codependents of Sex Addicts). In the computer age, it is possible to secretly and compulsively act out sexual addictions without having an intimate relation. Often, sexual addiction predates other addictions and it is primarily rooted in shame. This revealing lecture series explores and exposes the various causes, index of suspicion and healing for sex addicts. SOURCE: http://www.johnbradshaw.com/incestandsexualaddiction.aspx
SOURCE 2: “Molestation – incest and sexual addiction”, Expert: Sarah Harrison – 11/18/2009. Excerpt (cited within fair use..I am not asking money for quoting this, merely citing it for educational purposes):
“My brother had to babysit me if he wanted to go out Saturday evenings. The first time he got me to play a new game, I was 6 and he was 17. Our parents had gone to Las Vegas for the weekend. He had me lay down on his bed, pulled my pants and panties off, unzipped his pants and then laid over me. He’d rock his penis against my vagina. I was scared and at the same time I felt it wasn’t happening to me. After the first couple of times I started having orgasms. By the time I was 7 I was masterbating everyday.” [ ] “My brother took photos and said he would show it to everyone and it would kill our parents. The twice a week became every night. I started acting out with a behavior that could of ended badly for me. [ ] A week after my 8th birthday, my brother and father took me on a fishing trip where I was raped by the both of them for 3 days. I should hate sex and instead, I think about it all the time. I constantly choose men who are older than me. I let my father and brother and their friends use me for 9 years (until i moved out) without once telling a soul. My most crazy behavior was going to an adult movie house with a male friend who has issues like me. We sat in an isolated part of this old movie house. Within minutes I had men touching me. Then I almost got raped and left before anything worse could happen. Sometimes I’ve been so needy that I’ll use hitchhiking on back country road near state road to let old guys abuse me. Afterwords, I feel like throwing up”
SOURCE: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Molestation-1453/2009/11/incest-sexual-addiction.htm
I used to read a web site called gentletouchweb.com, or some such name. It contained “true” stories of incest victims, and I found it very enlightening and helpful. I wondered why that web site was removed. okay, I’ll hit the hay now, finally.
My point? It could have been a male, describing his incestuous molestation by his male cousin!
There are a lot of people who are molested and DON”T act out sexually or in other ways.
I don’t think sexual abuse as a child predisposes us to a future of sexual issues of any sort.
I also don’t believe it’s factual that sexual abuse as a child ‘promotes’ homosexuality.
The only scientific research I can give you at this point is MYSELF.
I was molested for 3 years by a brother. 9-11.
I was raped as a teenager.
I have never experienced any of the above or what you speak about.
ErinBrock, Thanks for the good read. I saved it on my desktop for tomorrow. This is the trick with Personality Disorders: only those who wish to change and work at it may be helped. By definition, our dears are way too arrogant to even perceive any type of problem within, so they are least likely to benefit from treatment. However, this is not the case with all personality disorders. Many do want to become more stable & contributing members of society.
BTW, something for all of us to be aware of: I read in a medical journal today that PTSD is linked to dementia, increasing the chance of developing dementia two – fold. The study was done on the Vets. But, I have a very strong feeling that it’ll be true for other PTSD Diagnosed as well. The thread seems to point to abnormal stress and changes within the brain structure (hippo- what?)
Ever thought of self as mentally ill? I do. PTSD is the name of my mental illness. Go figure, 😉
It’s ironic how when one is ‘called’ mentally ill, by a spath…it is a ‘catch all’ derogatory statement, usually followed up with…..she/he belongs in a mental hospital. (or in my case….mental institute).
I think we are lightyears away from figuring this all out……
If you look at the word ORDER, it means that everything is IN ORDER, DIS, on the other hand means that things are NOT in order.
I think the line between DISORDER and ILLNESS, as in Mental Dis order and Mental ILLNESS, is simply a game of semantics.
In depression say, there are gradients of HOW DEPRESSED a person is from say 0 to 10 with the person who is depressed a 10 is catatonic and just sits and stares off into space.
We (medical science) know that there are CHEMICAL imbalances inside the brain to cause depression and sometimes medication will help raise the mood.l Sometimes in severe cases Electro convulsive therapy is used in addition to medication to raise the mood.
In some cases, such as PSYCHOPATHY, (called ASPD in the DSM IV) there really isn’t a treatment for that component of their problems, however, if the person also has ADHD and/or Bi-Polar, those aspects of. the persons problems can be treated with medication and/or talk therapy. It still may not make the person less dangerous or make them able to bond to others in a meaningful way. They very well may remain a predator and/or live a criminal lifestyle.
The psychopath does not perceive that s/he has any problems, any difficullties s/he has in life is because of others. Not themselves or their behavior. They lack a moral compass, a conscience, and/or caring for the welfare of anyoone else. (etc)
The Axis II “disorders” are pretty well “set in stone” with little likelyhood of much if any significant behavior changes with either medication or therapy, IMHO.