“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
my mother is a narcissist and a sociopath and she is insane and brutal…though im 30 years old she thinks she can control me and has already dsetroyed my life…any interaction i have with her, is her trying to put me down abuse me, insult me or piss me off, then she goes around telling people im angry and putting me down….she is like a demon…im at my wit’s end with her, and another sp ive been dealing with, but when it comes down to it–my mother has destroyed m ylife in many ways and even trhough the legal system…she is cruel sick and like a criminal…how can you deal with these monsters, esp if they are famiyl members….this psychopath will demaen me any chance she gets, she is so sick in the head then blame it all on me….she is also ‘obsessed’ with me in some crazy sick way the same way a male is obsessed with a female he’s really into, that’s how this whackjob is with me….ive never met anyone as sick as he and the way she acts with me…it’s really scary….they do ‘anything’ just to get to you, push your buttons, and anything u say to them they yell scream throw fits….she is deranged….but the worst part is, i can’t get this sociopath outof my life….there are such strong ties….i feel so tied and trapped…b/c of everything she’s done to me…and whatever she continues to do…and when she leaves my place, after putting me through hell, then she has to knock and bang on the door one last time…so she can ‘do something more’ to piss me off….anything to do something i will object, to so then she can insult/harass me more….she is a very sick evil person…..and again i cant get her out of my life….she also does things so im yelling so i look like the bad one…so she or my family can make me look bad to others and badmouth me and say “oh she’s this adn that she has problems”…..how do you deal with these dysfunctional sociopathic people….they seem so skilled at their evils…like u cant fight their tactics….ive never met monsters who are so skilled at destroying another person….its like in their blood to ruin/destroy/upset/piss off, their targets or victims and u cant imagine what kind of tactics they use…then they play victim and throw the blame on you….ive been dealing with this bitch and wench for 12 years now and everything she has done to my life….and the worst part is…u cant get these nutjobs out of your life….they remain there just to destroy/attack/abuse you anyway they can…..and they do so in ways that leave them victorious you furious and you crippled and traumatized from all the abuse you have to deal with…they also just seem to ‘know’ how/when to abuse you at what timse…and what will ruin you the most…it’s almost like some kind of system ingrained in them….which leaves you powerless, upset, furious, confused, hopeless….they go out of their way to destroy your life and soul in any way possible…worse people think that because the fat cow is your ‘mother’ that she loves you and that you should respect her….when she is your worst enemy and not only has ruined your life, but continues to ruin you any chance she gets and every interaction she has…is about dominating/controlling/abusing terrorizing and taking control over you….how can u deal with/fight these monsters…..i cant figure out how….as they do not allow you your own opinions, rights anything…they fight to dominate/destroy…any way they can….no matter what…till the end and they have no remorse, no conscience for their evil sick behavior….and it is shocking to witness, a monster in action out to ruin someone and how sick they are in the head….i watched my own mother destroy her own daughters life for several years, for no reason go around claiming she’s a ‘doctor’ jsut to ruin her own child….do horrid things to her daughter…..and continue to abuse her any chance she gets….and even control her…i had a sadistic ex sociopath who called my mother and tried to tell her, that i had ‘oral sex’ with him…(big deal)…well my mother is now furious that i had ‘oral sex’ with a male….(how crazy as im 30) and is being more abusive as if i did something wrong and acts as if she needs to ‘become strict’ with me…im not sure how to relay to this nutjob that im an adult…and when i explain to this mentally deranged maniac that im an adult…and i can do what i want…she will start yelling “OH YOURE AN ADULT U DONT NEED MY HELP THEN HUH…UR AN ADULT U CAN DO THAT ON YOUR OWN….oh “YOURE AN ADUL”T HUH”?????’ trying to bully me into telling me that im not an adult…..and that i ened to ‘prove to her that im an adult’….i still try to explain to this loud mouthed witch that she can’t do that ot me or treat me that way she gets more furious and abusive….and violent and will start throwing things if she’s around me or even throwing things near me….she is crazy and sick….and people always side with her for some reason and will put me down….im quiet nice but even if i try to stand up for myself this psychopath gets belligerent and abusive….how can someone deal with a sick monster like this…..and she will even threaten to call the police on me if i argue back with her….she seems to think that she’s my ‘mother’ and can do ‘anything she wants’ to me and im a ‘child’..its really scary…..she also seems mentally ill and off in her thinking….and im not sure how to react to the situation…..she has also gotten me involved in things legally and taken control of my life so that i really dont have many rights….she is ruthless and sick…..and im not sure how to deal with aggressive belligerent psychos like that….or how to protect myself from a monster ie ‘parent’…who thinks they can do that to anyone much less their own offspring…..
To express and become more aware http://www.womenexplode.com
Dearest Melanie, darling, you will HAVE to do as Oxy has done with her Mother,{her egg-donor,} and Ive had to do with my 2 spath daughtes, NO CONTACT is the ONLY way you will ever win with biatches. like your Mother.
You will have to 1[ change your phone number,2] change your email address, your cell phone,3 change the locks on your front door, so she cant just barge in. Get off Facebook, twitter and MySpace, any avenue she can find you on.If you can move your house or condo, then do that. DONT give her a forwarding address.Leave instructions at your workplace that any calls from her to you will NOT be accepted by you.DONT listen to any supposedly “friendly” advice from family members, it will only backfire on you.You will have to draw on your own “inner spath’ and learn to be as ruthless as she is.
Fight fire with fire!In the meantime until your phone no. is changed, if she rings you, HANG UP right away, or better still go on voice mail, then you can delete her calls.
Hell, move states if you have to!
I had a girlfriend who was in an abusive violent marriage.I do admire her,–this is what she did, No kidding. She got a huge map of Australia,{where I live,}and put it on the floor. Then she blindfolded herself, after getting a pack of drawingpins out of her office. She vowed she would go wherever the pin landed. She lived in Sydney, and the pin landed on GOVE, which is the furthest North you can go in Australia on the Cape york peninsula{known as the :Top End”} without falling off the map into the sea.!!!LOL!!
Then, for YEAR, she worked nights as a barmaid,set up a secret bank account, and squirreled away every cent. {She had no kids yet, luckily.} She rrefused her husband sex fora year, even tho it meant more beatings.Then, she bought a run down old car.She packed a suitcase, and hid it.She booked a one way ticket as far north a s she could afford.to go.
One day when her hubby was a t work, she drove to the airport, got on the plane, left the car at the airport,{she didnt want it.} From the destination she got to, she got a n all night bus to the next point North,then another, till she got to Gove.
When there, she got a job as a barmaid, and kept it. Within a year, shed met a lovely half aboriginal guy, with a good job. They fell in love, and lived together till her divorce in absentia came through. Even tho she was quite ordinary looking, she married a nd had 3 gorgeous daughters by her new husband, and is still blissfully happy. She travelled roughly the distance from London, England, to Vladivostock in Russia{,ie, the whole of Europe and half of Russia} to geta way from her abusive husband.She took NOTHING with her except a small suitcase, and her guts,courage, and belief life couldnt get ny WORSE so it had to get better! Women were so scarce in Gove, that within the year shed had a dozen marriage proposals!Her husband installs swimming pools, works hard, doesnt drink, the girls a re doing well at school, and shes blissfully happy.I so admire this woman, she had guts and she did it!!If she could do THIS,, we can do whatever we have to to get away from the toxic spaths in our lives! TRUE STORY!
Homework from MamaGem, get a large atlas, look up Australia, find Sydney, and then find GOVE on the TOP END nth of Cape York!Then work out how far my friend had to travel to get away from the spath!!!! {{HUGGS!!}} Mama Gem.XXX{Oxy and EB I know youll love this story!!}
melanie, pretty much the same advice we gave you about your spath boyfriend…
No Contact!!!!
Very helpful read!
okay guys.. the combined efforts of http://www.womenexplode.com
and lovefraud help reveal a con to a local woman near me.. today…
so our inner change is good…
and read the interview with a man on the blog over and over again until it sinks it.. it is coming out of his mouth and this is a nice guy …. not a con… but the motivation is there..the male motivation.. and it is more intense in a dysfunctional man…
We are going to be doing more articles with men..
http://www.womenexplode.com
read it over and over again? surely you should be on the mind control thread….
Bulletproof,
What a ‘strange’ thing to write.
What is your motive for writing such a thing?
The point it that it is so clear in this interview.. clean and clear and if you read something once, you might not ‘get’ it.
Style:
You have been asked POLITELY NOT to continue to use LF for your own advertising.
I think your starting to piss peeps off a bit with your lack of respect of the requests.
If you think you can shove things down peoples throats and get a decent response…..revisit people skills 101.
I think the information on your page is great for women gossiping about life and whatnot…..but LF is a gender free environment dealing solely with toxic relatinships.
Due to your approach…..I will not support your website.
Bulletproof,
There are some posts that I just dont connect with, so I scroll over them …
It would be wonderful if we could relate to every single person, but that just doesnt happen in life.
But there is something here for everyone – so its a wonderful place for all of us! 🙂