“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Hey Southernman!
Glad to hear you are feeling better!
2 reactions to your last post:
1) If you’re like me, it might take some more time to process what has happened to you. I found myself regurgitating every detail, especially after the “Aha!” of figuring out what the psycho was about. Every tiny memory suddenly had a new meaning and the re-evaluation took several months – granted, I felt better during those months, but the “eye-opening” went deeper than I ever expected. It’s a good thing, however.
Only now, after almost 6 months, do I find myself going for long periods without giving the person a single thought and then realizing that I had forgotten them for awhile (victory!)
2) you may never love again with the same innocence, but the real you will return. You’ll be wiser, yes, but you haven’t lost your innocence. Not really. I don’t think I have. That’s how we stay young 🙂
Thank you so much for posting your experiences!
Like southernman I have been reading here a lot and each time I find another “aha” moment that releases more of the answers to the “whys” and heals me.
But for me one of the best things is finding the self esteem and confidence that had become so destroyed, have started recovering so quickly from all the generous people here who share their stories. Also in part, its the self discovery process wherein before I kept asking myself why I was unworthy, why I was to blame for all of the mess, why I was so deeply depressed after we talked and still the answers to all the basic needs I expressed were they were my own over-reactions, my over emotional mental state, my insanity even, that although he was able to manipulate me in believing all of these about myself, there was also an answer inside myself. I discovered that I carried the seeds of vulnerability and lack of self esteem from most likely a narissistic parenting that make me an easy target for him.
So, the best part of the healing is actually that I have come out of it, finally after 10+ years, a better person, stronger than before, less afraid, and filled with a more realistic sense of idealism, and especially a true sense of self esteem and confidence. AND as ironic as it sounds, no one else understands this but I’ll be people here do, a sense of gratitude to him because IF I hadn’t have had the experience, I may not have found my way to who I am now, and in the future.
Thank you all! I’ll never be able to express my true gratitude to all of you lovely people here!
Hey Dee….
Like most here, I too carried the seeds of vulnerability. Losing a spouse, and the aftermath of that expirence, put me in a position where I was desperate to regain some sense of normalcy in my life, which was having that family unit, meaning a wife and a mother in our lives. Like you, going through this expirence has taught me so many things, not just about sociopaths and narsissits, but about my own needs and the way I had gone about and looked at relationships. I truly believe that God allowed my crazy to come into my life for many reasons, which one of them was to teach me about myself. I can see now with much clarity, the mistakes I made in not setting or having boundries, and allowing someone to control a relationship. Many have asked here about being able to love again. I feel that in some ways, I will be able to love in a much fuller, healthy, more well rounded way the next time. One reason is that I know myself so much better, and second, I know the warning signs of unhealthiness, and will not allow those who try to push that kind of agenda in my life. I also know that I will love and respect myself in a whole new way, and will never sacrifice my happiness for someone who does not have my best interest at heart. I am on a internet dating site now. I don’t date often, in fact I have not met anyone from there as of yet, and I respond to few who write to me for obvious reasons, but I would like to share with you all here my written essay. I think it shows that I know exactly what I want, and also that my standards are set high, but hey, why not? Don’t let the romanticness of my words fool you, I will use my new tools very wisely in weeding out any potential predators, or those who bring negetivity into my life. I do look at love and relationships in a positive way, and I would never want to live with a guarded heart, but I can say that I do not have a “hungry” heart anymore. My son and I deserve the very best, so I’m in no hurry…. I know that there are wonderful, healthy people out there who would make great partners. I hope one day to meet one. So, here is my written essay………………………………………….
I would like to have a remarkable woman in my life. I have a wonderful life, and I am blessed with a great son, and I’m ready to share with someone very special. At 44, I don’t want to compromise what I want out of a relationship, and what I would like in a prospective partner and I feel that I’m entitled to a healthy, fulfilling relationship and so are you. And while I’m not in a hurry to marry, I want that possibility. I’m looking for a true, romantic, love that lasts a lifetime. Does such a desirable thing exist? I know that it can’t be bought, stolen, or made to happen. It will take work and commitment, but it also “just simply is”… That’s the hard part.
Like many here, I’ve made my share of mistakes in past relationships. Lost someone I loved more then a few times, and each time it got harder. Had my heart broken more then once, and broke a few as well. I’ve learned my lessons the hard way, but I have no regrets, or bitterness. In fact, I’m so thankful to have lived and loved, lost and learned. Self growth cannot happen without pain, so I made it a opportunity to grow as a man, and I’m thrilled to have evolved into the man I always wanted to be, and into that man God always intended for me to be. I grasp the “Big Picture” in life, and know it’s not about us. It’s about the heart. I’m looking for a woman that captivates me. Someone who thinks outside the box, someone who is different from the rest. Although this romantic/dreamer side of me is a real part of me, I am a grounded man, a realist and live in the real world. So, I want to do this the right way this time. I want to get to know you, I’m in no hurry. I want to see the real you and the gift that lies within.
So, Who Is She?
She will be tender, loving, fun, affectionate, and honest. With a kind, caring and giving heart. An exceptional woman. Someone who wants a committed relationship, and is willing to work at it with that in mind. She will be emotionally available, and has learned from her past, but not be limited by it, so she can and will love me like her heart has never been broken. She loves children, romance, and togetherness, and gives as much as she takes. A woman with good morals and values, and with a enthusiasm, and adventure for life. She would be strong, loyal, determined, and independent without being controlling or selfish. She will be intelligent, and keep me on my toes and challenge me with her depth and her sharp wit. She’ll bring out the very best in me, and place her hand upon my heart. And I in return, will fight for her with all of my being, and give to her, with deep pleasure, the essence of my life, my strength, and the two greatest gifts I could ever bestow to anyone… my undying love, and devotion, and the center, the core of my being .. my heart.
She will be beautiful in my eyes, and when I’m with her, I’ll take her all in, because I don’t want to miss a thing. She will be my confidant, my best friend, my lover, my inspiration, my life partner till my final breath. My love and delight for her will grow and deepen with each passing year, and continue for all the remaining years of my life. Her eyes will see into my soul, her voice will nurture and comfort it. She will stand beside me, sharing with me, our life adventure through the best and the worst of times. She will have a life spark that shines like the brightest star on a mid-winters night. And her love for God, and for me and my son will run as deep and true as the widest, bluest ocean.
When I think about her during our time apart, I will long for her touch and yearn to hear her laughter, as it soothes my heart. And when we are together, I will take her hand in mine, and look into her eyes and know it’s really meant to be… It will be God’s miracle gift, His wonderous plan, intended for us both… always and forever. Our lives will be full of love, happiness, joy, adventure, and promise, and ever most importantly, Peace.
I will always believe dreams do come true
southernman,
Great ad. I wish you lots of luck with it.
Dear Southernman,
I too wish you the best. Perhaps though you can meet a woman recommended by someone you trust like your pastor/minister or a friend. The internet is very dangerous. There are matchmaking internet sites that extensively screen but still remember even NASA didn’t get it right.
Lol, the NASA reference made me smile. On a completely 180 degree turnabout note — “Taxi Driver” was on TV two nights ago. The viewing experience was a bit different for me this time. My psycho didn’t shoot a roomful of people (I hope), but Deniro’s performance included a number of incidental behaviors that I recognized, especially in his scenes alone – for example – the calculating and serious meticulous planning facial expressions. I caught my psycho in a restaurant when he didn’t know I was looking at him, and his facial expression was one I had never seen. Deeply methodical and serious, as if he were planning some great procedure.
Freaky…but there you go…
SouthernMan429…I could have written your story myself. It’s soooo similar. I was charmed, fell in love, gave everything until I lost myself in him. The departure from your tale is that he wanted to get married…very fast. Should have been a red flag, I know now. I was with him for 2 years and felt everything you described. My intuition told me that despite his reassurances, he wouldn’t be in my life long. My intuition screamed at me many times, but I ignored it. I gave my money, my time, my energy, my heart, my soul – everything. He took it all and gave less, and less, and less. I am embarassed at how little I settled for, actually.
On January 24 he pushed my boundaries (again), picked a fight (again), told me I was crazy, etc. and – disappeared. He left in my car, with my keys, money, debit card, checkbook, even my internet router and phone! He left me and my 5 year old son sitting in our home at 10pm with nothing, and not even realizing he was gone and never coming back.
I had to borrow money and take a taxi to my friend’s house, who happened to have an extra vehicle. I found an old cell phone to text message on…otherwise my son and I would have been sitting there with no car, no money, and no way to contact anyone.
Anyway, after frantically looking everywhere for him; calling his mom in a panic; filing a missing persons report….I was contacted by the police 3 days later. They said he was fine; was out of state; and had requested they not divulge his whereabouts to me.
I felt all the panic and gut-wrenching anquish that you described. I talked to his mom for the first week, but he refused to speak to me. After that, she stopped answering the phone when I would call. I KNEW in my heart for a while that he was a sociopath, and after the first 2 weeks I was able to move a bit through the pain to realize it’s best this way. However, at this point I have no idea where he is; why his mom won’t take my calls; and if I’m ever going to see my car again. I was left holding the bag for all the bills.
I have been awestruck by how someone just completely discards other people…me and the children. He just tossed us away like yesterday’s garbage and didn’t look back. He hasn’t tried once to contact me.
It’s the most surreal thing I’ve ever been through, and no matter how hard I’ve tried to make sense of him, I just can’t.
I decided to grieve the man I loved…and treat it as a death b/c he never even existed. I fell for the facade; the game; the spiderweb he so skillfully wove for me.
I beat myself up for grieving a man who could laugh in my face while I was bearing my soul to him and sobbing my heart out.
That whole devalue/discard cycle is excruciating and hits us like a freight train.
All I can do is work on me. I can understand why I was a willing participant in my own torture; why I couldn’t just leave; why I ignored all the red flags, etc. Counseling and Al-Anon have helped tremendously – and sights like this.
Hearing about the experiences of others allows me to be even firmer in my resolve that IT WASN’T ME.
Now I’m just working on taking care of – ME.
I wish everyone here peace and comfort.
I forgot to mention that what I like most about these posts is the idea that our sociopaths are our best teachers. In reality, they did us HUGE favors – by opening our eyes.
I know for me, my greatest fears were: 1. being abandoned, 2. being alone.
Well, lo and behold..they both happened, but I’m still standing.
I realize (now) that my ideas about “love” come from trying to “rescue” my alcoholic father from the age of 6. I’ve played the role of “rescuer” my whole life, never focusing on myself. I’ve been addicted to relationships that were tumultous, unpredictable, and unstable…even passing up a GREAT guy for my sociopath.
So now, thanks to my sociopath, I am finally (at the age of 37) facing my fears, understanding what they are, and learning that it’s okay to take care of ME, and that I cannot rescue/fix/control anyone. Nor should any of us have to completely lose ourselves in our partners or become shells of our former selves.
Thanks to everyone for sharing. It’s educational and comforting at the same time.
sleeplessinAR……….
Like you, I am embarrassed at how little I settled for from her after the devaluation had begun. I had made it so easy for her.. as all she had to do was show up and I took care of all the rest. She would do her “time” with us, then leave for several days until she needed more supply, then she would return. I would wait for her, sometimes not so patiently. Of course it was all such a far cry from the way it started. Like your crazy, my crazy took and took and took and gave less and less as time went by. What baffles me is that I took it, I accepted it, I let this behavior continue. It would seem that when I would be at the end of my rope with her, she would “give” just enough to keep me involved, like some extra good sex, or doing something nice for my son. For me, it was like I continued to search for that woman who was there in the beginning… who couldn’t get enough of me, who supported me, who “loved” me. I know now she never really existed, and that in it’s self has been painful. LAMan was right, I have regurgitated every aspect of that relationship, as I see it all through new eyes. Every little comment, action, has a new and sinister meaning. My days continue to be both good, and then bad. The sadness of knowing that I was nothing more then supply, and then grieving someone who wasn’t really there, and being left with a hole in one’s life that doesn’t make sense, filled with shame and pain. Slowly…. ever so slowly I crawl out of the darkness, sometimes taking two steps back, but then to take big steps forward… the process…. repairing me, seeing my gifts…. the tug of war of emotions….. I am a hard worker…. I am working hard to recapture my essence, my self love… to take back what I unselfishly gave away so innocently to someone with evil in her core.
Same situation for me…psycho took more and more and gave just enough to keep me coming back. I kept looking for that person I had initially thought I loved. Even after they abandoned me, I tried a few communications. Like someone said in one of the other posts – I had just been “deleted” from his life.
My shrink compares this to emotional rape. I scoffed at first, but come to think of it, I agree. The violation is that serious. To be targeted and used in such a way.
I agree that this site helps speed recovery immensely! I am much better now. I also agree that the involvement I had with the psycho made me a much stronger and I think, better person. I will tell you that the long-term relationship I had cheated on with the psycho in this, my one and only affair, is thriving now. Reason: I recognize and value the real love that I had lost sight of. The affair with the psycho may end up being the catalyst to saving my real relationship. I am fighting to save my long-term relationship now and the efforts have been working so far!
Although–I don’t want the psycho to be “thanked” for that. Only gratitude I have is for the experience I had with the psycho and what I have learned from it. The psycho can live in his freaky little world for all eternity for all I care!