“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
I wanted to thank everyone here for all of your posts! I’ve been struggling with getting over my sp for 2 months now. Everyone who met him tells me to just get over it and believe me I’ve tried that.. It feels like he took part of my soul with him, before I found this site I even googled ‘how can someone take your soul’ among other things. It is all so clear to me now! I made mistakes, but they were all based on just not feeling right about the relationship. He says that I am the crazy one! For the life of me, I could not figure out how someone could just quit loving someone in a matter of seconds and move on with their happy life. I tried to make him love me again because I was so lonely and I felt he was my soul mate. Not a second went by that I wasn’t thinking and crying over him! We have a lot of mutual friends and I haven’t said a word about him to any of them. He is VERY clever and always seems to know my next move so I don’t play. All that did was build up his ego. He is back with his ex now, and has been since we broke up. I thought maybe he just didn’t want to be alone? It makes me sad because he always made me laugh and I don’t know anyone else like him. I remember telling him that I didn’t believe he was real until i actually saw him, we live in different states. I was so lonely and he showed up as my knight in shining armor! Someone has since told me he was just a ball of tin foil. He lost his job while we were dating (because he lied, cheated, and stole) and I somehow overlooked that! It did not set right with me but I didn’t leave him then. He exploited my poor ex, who was genuinely sorry for the way he treated me but would not let me be friends with him. however, HE was flirting and talking to his ex the whole time!! Was he using me to get even with her? I am 33 years old and am too old for those games! I told him that while we were dating too. Hardly anything set right in my mind when I was with him but he is such a smooth talker and I thought he really wanted to marry me. He lied to me all the time, but he always justified himself. He usually spent 2 or 3 nights out at his friend’s house a week (he’s 35) and belittled me when I questioned him on that. His phone would ‘die’ or he would not have a signal where he was. I will never know where he really was those nights, but it used to drive me crazy. Anyone I asked, said that was not normal. I have been nc for a week now, and am getting better. He played me like a fiddle and I still can’t believe it happened. He used me and I loved him. My self esteem is still low because of the things he said to me and i am trying to not care what he thinks about me! I know i am all over the place here but believe me, I’m much more together than i have been the last 2 months.
Dear BunBun,
Welcome and keep on NO CONTACT! WITH THE JERK! You can heal, and you are NOT alone in this, everyone here has been “had” by the betraying scum, bottom feeders in one way or another (or several ways).
Keep on reading and learning!~ You’ve come to the right place! Knowledge is power! So become powerful! God bless.
Bunbun,
Be glad you lost the loser before you lost anymore of yourself, your time, or your freedom (Congratulations on not marrying the jerk; I was not so lucky.) I know you are hurting and I don’t mean to be cold, I just want to say, take this as an opportunity, a gift to find yourself, care for yourself and find someone who will be your match after you take time to learn about how and why you fell victim to his shenanigans, then forget that phoney-balogna. You have a heart and you deserve better. Keep reading here and books on the subject. I have been here only a couple of weeks and the support has been tremendous in my recovery process. All the best, peace:)
BunBun,
You’ve taken the first 2 important steps! Get out…..and No Contact!
Congratulations on finding your self worth……sometimes it can take years…..for me…..gasp…uh 28 years!
Holy shiat!
When we value ourselves we will be more careful about what we will accept.
Welcome to LF…..this is a fab. place to learn and get the support you may need.
Stay strong……stay NC!
Responding to the comment above, by one_step_at_a_time, per “there is nothing ’sick’ about being a bottom. nothing inherently sick or spath in wanting to be penetrated. I am finding your comments about how sexuality, gender and sociopathy relate one another to be homophobic”
I am NOT “homophobic”, one_step .. that was EXACTLY what my ex, the spath, accused me of in his nasty e-mail to me, the worst and smuttiest my therapist had ever seen. Homosexuals that are HONEST about what they are.., I find nothing wrong with that, it is the males ON THE DOWN-LOW, pretending to be straight, while living with a woman, and while they, against her knowledge, USE HER AS A BEARD for years, is to what I object. That is FRAUD and SOCIOPATHIC BEHAVIOR! And, sorry..but I still think that many males who have experienced incest as children, who were molested by relatives, religious leaders, and others, have had their sexual identities CONFUSED, and their sick symptoms after-the-fact, should NOT be covered up by their using the term “bisexual” to describe themselves!
hELLo everyone, i remember the s telling me many times that when his father passed that he wished he could have cried, that he wanted to but he couldn’t . About 5 years ago his first wife , whom he treated horrifically and ha d two daughters with was very ill in hospital, he wanted to see her and she refused. Then he tried to get his Mother in to see and same story. I know all of this as her mom and i have had a relationship(prob not the healthiest scenerio i know ) over the years mostly due to grandaughter and me trying to help. I get it all now, why would she want to see either of them , even after having children with him, what would be the point. At this poor ex’s funeral, he went hanging on to Mommy, wearing his dark huge Rayban sunglasses chewing on bubble gum blowing bubble and was hitting on some woman who was married. Then he complained what a joke the service was as in the eulogy they didn’t mention him at all and he was not going to have a service like that. The most sickening part is his ex wife whom i met working at the same bank before i met him, she left him for another snake not knowing , frying pan to the fire. The next just came in better package and being a young mother im sure she thought it was better than the confinement she was in. Second one , when she was on her dying bed , had his future wife in next room with her daughter taking care as a nursemaid of sorts. Makes me sick knowing all this crap from her mom, how could a lovely girl who had it all beauty, good soul end up with two, By the way the second snake is now our small cities Mayor, unbeleivable eh. but not for long. People have now caught on to his personal life and i know he will not get in again this year. And now i wonder why i feel the way about men, between all that i know and the bullies in my grandmothers estat e i have to say i don’t think i’ve known one man who truly helped me other than my ex husband and even he left me, but i blame the drinking and myself. He’s the only one who really had any strength and respect so i compare and none of them even come close but that’s ok, so i’ll be alone another 8 years , better than settling. love kindheart
Dear Zimzoomit,
There are several articles here about psychopaths being neither “gay nor straight” they don’t seem (in many cases) to care WHAT or who they have sex with, as there is no HUMAN “connection” above the instant gratification of a primal urge. So it could be “animal, mineral or vegetable” as far as they are concerned.
So actually I don’t think “bi-sexual” or “gay” or “straight” fits many of them—UNIVERSALLY SEXUALLY PREDATORY seems A BETTER DESCRIPTION to me.
Dear Kindheart,
If we do not LEARN what “hit us” with the first psychopathic relationship we had even if we escape it, we are PRIME PREY for the next one…..it is about them at first, but ends up the HEALING IS ABOUT US. How we must learn to protect ourselves from predators. If we don’s “get it” that there are SIGNS and FLAGS of warning and we don’t heed those warnings, we will bounce from P to P and not figure out what is going on.
We must LEARN HOW TO PROTECT OURSELVES, and learn what a PREDATOR looks and sounds like. Just like if a baby deer doesn’t learn the smell of the wolf after he manages to escape the first attack alive, he may not escape the next one either.
We have to learn in order to survive!
Alone but P-FREE is much better than TRAPPED WITH A PSYCHOPATH.
yEs, Ox i hear what you are saying, the vedict is stil out on the detective from last year, i’ve been told he’s a narcissist as well but hard to tell knowing he’s been married to one for almost 3 decades, i’ve learned enough on here and from my own experience, to know that you pick up their traits. i thought i saw myself in the cop but im not sure now if it was that i saw the same empathy or just that i saw my experience in him with the s. Doesn’t matter, he’s not for me and i know i attract the needy and sick so im just not going to bother anymore, till i figure out how to change it and attract the healthy, i don’t trust myself is i guess what im saying. Glad to see you are still on here Ox i was worried that all the old familiar gals would be gone. love kindheart
When I saw the title of this blog it struck me instantly. This is where I am at emotionally, and these questions are what keeps me stuck. I fear that if I don’t get these answers from HIM, I am never going to break this cycle. He’ll be back…he always comes back. If I understand what he wants from me then maybe I could make it work, right? Why would he come back if he doesn’t truly care??? I am plagued by this thinking.
I am 41. I am attractive but overweight. I am a professional; however I do not have a lot of money. I am a single mother of three children, and my youngest has a newborn baby. I am a caregiver by nature, as well as in my profession. I am trusting. I am compassionate. And while I do not believe I am naive, some people think I am because I choose to be forgiving and kind and I extend myself constantly. (I just feel it is the right thing to do.) I wasn’t looking for a relationship when he came into my life. I was content with my career and friendships. I was living life on my terms and actually enjoying it for the first time in a long time. What did I have to offer him? Why me?
He moved in next door. The first time I saw him I was taken aback by his good looks and his powerful presence. He had just returned home from Iraq. Everything about him was like a magnet to me. He was aloof, a bit arrogant, self confident, and charming. For a month I simply passed him in the halls and smiled, but eventually I befriended him and his sisters and began spending time at their place next door. I was warned from the very beginning by the girls that he was a “manipulator”, “not to be trusted” “stay away he is a manwhore”. But I never dreamed I’d get involved as he is significantly younger than I, so I brushed off the warnings.
Within a few weeks he had swept me off my feet. He had shown me attention, affection, and passion to degrees I had never experienced. He often made statements like “who do you belong to?”, “who owns you?” and he would commend me with “good girl” or “you’re mine forever”. I didn’t realize how much those words were affecting me, but each time he looked intently into my eyes and said it, I was literally buying into it. And the more he said it, the more I wanted him. I became very protective of him, always defending him to his family. They would yell at him because he didn’t help out, or they’d belittle him for using women but I never saw these “women” they talked about. I was constantly building him up because I felt they were tearing him down. And I was available at his beck and call, even if it was 2am. Still, I always felt this sense of unease. I couldn’t relax 100%, but I assumed it was because I was afraid to love again. After all, I was married to a narcissist for 13 years and had finally broken those bonds.
About three months into our relationship his sisters told me he was “engaged” to a girl in Ohio. They said they thought it was a farce, that he just kept this girl hanging on as a backup– None-the-less, they cared for me and felt I should know that he was telling her he was coming back for her. When I confronted him, he coldly said “yep, and she is who I choose.” I tried to walk away then. But within days he said he missed me so much, that I bargained…I’ll just be with him until he leaves. For months that worked. We were having what I thought was the time of our lives and I was secretly hoping he’d choose me. I knew he’d gone out and gotten drunk and randomly hooked up with a girl, but hey we all make mistakes right? I became a part of the family, and was often told by his dad that if anyone could make him stay in CO, it would be me. Surely that meant he loved me right?
In June 2010 he went to Ohio and officially asked her father for her hand. He made plans to return to Ohio in August. It was HIS father who called me and apologized to me as he broke the news to me. “If anyone can make him stay” his dad said, “it’ll be you”, but in the next sentence he would say “You deserve so much better. Why do you women always come back? All he does is lie and cheat and you all come back. You deserve so much better.” (By this time he and his sisters had moved in with their Dad due to his failing health and he had been bringing various women home when I was at work.)
Of course I confronted him and he made excuses about me being angry at him and he thought we were done so he was just trying to move on. Or, she needed him and it just happened. And I’d forgive him because I thought I created the misunderstanding. But finally I had an out. With this announcement that he was marrying “L”, I actually walked away wishing him happiness. Secretly I felt like I was dieing, but he had warned me, so I felt I had made my bed, so-to-speak. After 2 months I began to feel healthy again. Life was good and I was resigned that we were done.
In late July he began reaching out to me. I remained distant and strong. Then, one morning I was at their house and he came to me. He gave me the most beautiful speech about how he’d been talking to his friends about me and though I’ve never met any of these people, they were telling him he’d be stupid to leave me and go back to a girl he knew he wouldn’t be happy with as she has multiple psychological issues. So, he determined to stay and marry me. He made a formal announcement to his family two days later, and I swear we all fell off our seats. ( He lies all the time, so we didn’t know what to believe.) but his actions showed he cared, and things got better.
August came and went – he did not go to Ohio. He was here with me. Things were strained, but I thought it was because his sister had informed me that he’d been seeing a co-worker and hadn’t broken it off with her after he reconnected with me. Once we discussed it, he stated she was married anyways and he apparently broke it off. Things with us were back to “normal”. The family was still skeptical, and always on my case about how foolish I was being. I was lectured on the fact that he is incapable of love, that he uses women and once he got what he wanted from me I’d be forgotten; pushed aside like a piece of trash. I was warned that he would hurt me. No one wanted me to go through that because they love me and felt I deserved better. But they didn’t know him like I do, I reasoned. (Since coming home, they said he’d become more moody and closed off. Said due to experiences in Iraq he has PTSD, and keeps to himself. So I wasn’t worried that he has no real friends to speak of, and that he is basically a recluse unless he ventures to the bar for a night. He had let me IN. He was sharing his nightmares and memories of Iraq with me, he was opening up to me about his flashbacks, even called me when he pulled a gun on his sisters boyfriend to say he needed me to help him, and I really believed that maybe I had broken through some barrier and that this was meant to be.)
I had missed his birthday in July because of his marriage plans to “L”. But I made up for it in August. As soon as he got his gifts from me, he changed. He was no longer spending time with me, but with a new girl. He bought her a gift, and that really affected me because it was something he never did for me. Even on my birthday he only gave me a card and wrote I love you”no name/he did not sign it. When I asked him about it he said “gifts doom his relationships” so he doesn’t buy “girlfriends” gifts, only friends. I knew it was a lie, that this new girl was someone he was sleeping with and I told him, “I can’t do this anymore. You don’t want me, so let’s just move on.” He seemed ok with that until a week later.
All of the sudden it was, “I can’t believe you thought we were over. I’m physically sick over this, I don’t want us to be over.” So, I caved and we reunited. He assured me he loves me, and that he wanted to spend more time with me but that due to events in Iraq, September is a difficult month for him. He begged me to be patient as he was trying to get a day shift so we could be together more. He wanted me to be his wife, he would love me forever.
Three days later (after no contact with him at all), I got a text at 2am from his older sister”.”He bought new clothes; got all dressed up and some woman picked him up. He still isn’t home.” I couldn’t sleep. The next morning at 9am my phone rang at work. “She is here with him in his bedroom. They just came home together.” I became violently ill. –I had just slept in that bed, just been told how amazing I am, and how much he loves me. Why was this happening? I had given him every opportunity to get out of the relationship with me. I can’t count the times I offered to walk away, give him space, to just be friends. I even offered an open relationship to which he adamantly replied “NO!” So, as my head is trying to wrap around this news, I am already conditioned to think, it’s temporary. Don’t’ worry, its YOU he really loves. I mean, he made it clear that “He always comes home to ME”.
So here I am two weeks later. I had sent him a text the day he first brought her home—I HATE YOU! STAY THE ’F’ AWAY FROM ME!” I’ve not heard a word from him. His older sister defended me in front of the woman that day, “Guess the engagements off, huh?” she tried. The woman seemed unaffected, and he became indignant. “I beg your pardon?” he coldly asked and maneuvered her out the door then left with her for the day. I cried all day and all night. I wanted to die. I thought that would be the end of it. But it isn’t.
I saw him two days ago at the house (it is so hard because I AM family now. We all depend on one another, and as much as I know I need to stay away, I can’t punish the rest of the family. His Dad is immobile, and I feel obligated to go there. He works nights, so I have no choice, he’ll always be home when I can find time to get there.) It was obvious that he was trying to ensure that he’d see me. I tried to slip out, but he was waiting. I found myself gravitating to him to tell him some non-sense. He smiled that smile at me, because he knows he has me. That too made me sick. I began shaking, and sweating and feeling out of control. I literally ran from the house.
I ask his family for updates”I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t seem to help myself. I lie to myself and say, this will help you move on. I know he brings her home every Tuesday and Wednesday. She is also older than him, successful, and overweight. A pattern he repeats every time. They go onto his room, the place that was once my sanctuary. I’m sure he tells her exactly the same things, looks at her the same way, makes the same promises”and yet, I still hope I am wrong.
I am constantly sick now. I have frequent migraines, get sick to my stomach. I’ve missed work, I can’t sleep, I am irritated and empty. I feel like an addict going through withdrawals, and I am always hoping for that next fix. I feel like I am going crazy when I play the images over in my head of all the times he looked me square in the eyes and said “No matter what ANYONE EVER TELLS YOU, I love YOU! YOU are my wife!” .
Determined to make this end, I wrote a good bye letter thinking that would be my closure. And it worked for about 12 hours. I actually slept that night, for the first time in weeks. But then I got a call from the family—that ***** is here and is trying to worm her way in.” I collapsed. I literally had a breakdown at work. It’s insane that anyone could have such a hold on another person, but he HAS me. And I want to break free, because THIS is the perfect time. He is distracted, and not trying to reach me. It’s like I never existed to him. He is allowing her to try to integrate herself into the fold despite his family’s vehement reaction to her. They all know she is temporary, and that he’ll be back to me, so they have no time for her. I know they’re scared for me and that’s why I think they tell me what he’s up to. They hope it’ll stop the insanity. But will it??? Why would he keep coming back? What does he want from me? And then worse”What if this time he DOESN’T come back? Does that mean SHE is better than me?
I see the writing in black and white as I read this. It seems as if it should be SO SIMPLE to walk away. But something in me is changed”it’s terrifying. I still wait for him to call. I am not a stupid woman. I didn’t think I was insecure or missing anything in my life before him. But the idea of living without him now seems impossible. At times I feel like I am dying. I can find a million reasons why he couldn’t possibly be a sociopath. “Because he does this or that; or helped me with these things and because when I need him he is right there for me….of course, then its all about sex and he becomes aggressive and inflicts pain on me.” So, why then, can’t I just let him go??? Why is every word he said is engrained in me? How is it, that HE has such a hold over me; even more so than my ex-husband (who I’d known my whole life and loved dearly, but still walked away from because of his abusive behavior?) Will I ever be free? I am so afraid that I won’t be. And maybe if I know WHY he did this, I’ll be able to move on.
-I know I’m living a lie. And that’s why I am here writing to you. I hope that being here, in this forum, which I found on accident, will help me heal and move forward.