“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Call the police and have him put out! Cantbreathe! You are only a door mat if you let yourself be! It doesn’t matter that he has a key, have him put out and get your key back AND Change the locks.
You are only helpless if you let yourself be.
TAKE BACK YOUR CONTROL. YOu can do it!
cantbreathe, that is great advice to call the police and have him put out and change the locks!! You can do this. You are strong enough. IT IS like breaking an addiction. You won’t get your “fix” from him anymore because you know that it was all a lie, that is why you feel devastated, you were betrayed. You feel bonded to him because of the sex. This happened to me too. I was in love with what I wanted him to be. He has shown you who he is, now you have to believe and accept it. Lots of good articles here, here’s a link to one about love/sex. Please keep writing and reading… it really helps. God Bless
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/02/23/love-sex-your-brain-and-sociopaths/
cantbreathe,
I read your post – your boyfriend is treating you like a yo-yo, pulling you back and forth by his actions, making you emotionally crazy. To have stability in yourself, kick this guy to the curb. He is a womanizer, being unwilling and unable to COMMIT to anyone, period. You don’t need this type of a person in your life – life is too short for all of his drama, nonsense. Take good care of yourself.
Dear Can’t Breathe
The S in your life is like heroin. It gives you a short time high, but eventually that chit’s gonna kill ya.
In fact getting ‘clean’ from an abusive relationship is very similar to getting ‘clean’ from drugs.
NC is the only way. Also from his family. It’s gonna be hard because you’ve been dragged deeper and deeper away into a hole for awhile now – and the sides have got quite steep.
BUT YOU CAN GET OUT! Once you’re physically NC – then the healing can begin until you’re emotionally NC. The second takes alot longer than the first – but it won’t happen until you’re AWAY from him and he no longer has opportunities to manipulate you anymore.
Whatever resources you have – you marshall them together RIGHT NOW. Get as physically far away as you can, spend time with anyone and everyone who doesn’t know or have contact with the S. Treat yourself right with long hot baths, good food and just ‘taking care of yourself’. You will find every excuse under the sun not to go NC – that’s normal really, if you feeling like cracking or giving in – try coming to LF first. If you do give in – still come to LF to work out reasons how you can do it different next time. Everyone here has experienced similar feelings and no-one is going to judge you.
However – the trick is to build up as many resources as you can to go NC and keep to NC. This will be very, very hard. Probably the hardest thing that you’ve ever done in your life.
The S in your life senses that you’re getting determined to escape. As his goal is CONTROL of you – he’ll do and say everything he can to make sure you lose your determination to save yourself and your sanity. Not because he cares about how you feel – but because he doesn’t want to lose a ‘resource’ of sex, money, attention, good credit history or whatever.
Try reading ‘the Betrayal Bond’ (reviewed and listed on LoveFraud) if you can. Also the concept of Stockholm Syndrome (look it up) It explains alot about how we get stuck feeling that the S in our lives can ‘take the pain away’ – when actually all you feel is ‘temporary absence of pain’. Ie the S causes the pain to you with all their carpy behaviour (OUTRAGEOUS behaviour from reading your post)- when he stops ‘temporarily’ hurting the victim, the victim feels ‘gratitude’ – our brains are hardwired that way- so don’t beat yourself up over it!
He needs to be someone else’s problem for awhile will you look after yourself!
Blessings
Delta 1
Dear Can’tbreathe,
I hope you are still reading…you are NOT alone. Keep reading here and keep yourself safe. My prayers for your peace.
Hi Everyone,
I have been reading peoples stories on here,
after much internet research of my own,
FINALLY to discover..The Truth..
I,too,have a very long,strange,and bizarre tale
of events that occurred with a sociopath!
He left me a few months ago,without a trace..
We were engaged,and I was pregnant with his child(which we planned,and after three months,I became pregnant).
I have since lost the baby,(as well as my mind,soul and spirit),after such a devastating “sham”..
I will attempt to keep this as brief as possible,yet not omitting
valuable details,in order to explain how I qualify..ha ha
Where do I post my story?
Thank you
Trueloveisreal
You can post your story here. Sorry you are in so much terrible pain after such unbelievable loss. This is a safe place to find support, to learn and to heal.
Peace Sister
Truelove:
Welcome to LF! Sorry you ‘qualify’….but you’ve sure landed up at a great source for support and education.
I’m sorry for your loss of your child.
I will tell you, and not to lesson the pain of your loss……raising children with a sociopath is a whole new avenue for abuse.
No child should have to endure a socipathic parents wrath…..
Feel free to write your story wherever you’d like.
I look forward to hearing more from you here on LF.
XXOO
EB
Dear Truelove,
Welcome to Love Fraud, and I too am sorry that you “qualify” for our club–but if you do qualify, which it sounds like you do–you are at the right place to learn about psychopaths. It starts out with the pain and the knowledge that they have devalued and discarded us. It hurts, but in the end, we are better off than if they had stayed around like a parasite to suck us DRY of life and love.
Losing your dreams is painful, but recovery will come…slower than you might like, but KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and you can take back your power! God bless.
Thank you EB,and Ox-
Well OK then..Here it goes:
I’d known my spath for about seventeen years as an aquaintance/friend.
We are both pretty successful in our careers,and in the same line of buisness.
He pursued me,as only a Southern man can,like “white on rice”,
and I found him to be extremely charming.
Basically he swept me off my feet.(red flag maybe)
He took me to nice restaurants nightly,and texted me nearly 20 times a day,as well as,called me for long talks every night when he was on a buisness trip.We’d talk for up to four hours about anything and everything,and I just felt such a connection with him.
(Normally with a guy,I may have felt that this was way too much texting going on,etc.,but for some reason,with Him,I liked it,and all the sweet attention.)
Just as many spaths have been described here,he was definately saying and doing “all the right things..”,to woo me..
By our third date,he was bringing me gifts back from his trips and taking me to wonderful day spas for lavish,and healing treatments.
(He and I are both Sober)
He was funny and we had so much in common.
He seemed to adore everything about me,and hang on my every word.
He’d bring me breakfast in bed,and buy an abundance of anything I needed for the house.
He moved in with me within four weeks of us dating( his idea),yet I wanted him there so it was wonderful and romantic..
Our own little love gettaway..
(You may be beginning to wonder where all the bad stuff is,right?)
Well…
There wasnt ANY Bad Stuff for the three months we lived together:
He told me I was “the love of his life”,that in all the years he’s known me,”he’s Always loved me”,and that I was” his dream girl..”
He would tell me,”I want to be with you forever,and ever,and ever..”
“I love you soo much,I Never want you to leave me”,was another one of his favorite lines.
We introduced eachother to eachothers families,and closest friends,and right off the bat,they All(Both his side AND mine),said we were obviously soulmates and were meant to be together..
I travelled to see his family with him every other weekend and his dad was ill,(and later passed away)
We decided to start a family together,because I have always dreamed of being a mother,and he wanted to be the father of my children.
It really felt like destiny and true love..
After three months of us trying,I got pregnant.
Neither he,nor I are young at this point in our lives,so we felt it was quite a miracle and honor for this to occcur with such ease,and that it was from love.
He was on a buis trip when the test came up positive for me.
(This is alot more painful to recount than I had imagined..)
Anyway..
When he came back from his trip,he got down on his knees and proposed to me with a ring,and we both cried and professed undying love ot one another.
The next day we were going on a long road trip to see my family for a vacation..(THIS IS when everything changed)
On the car ride there,I was bleeding and concerned,so we stopped at a DR.s,and I was still too early in the pregnancy for him to tell me anything.
Still,I was upset and afraid that I was miscarrying..
We continued the 11 hour drive,and he began to become a man I’d never seen before..NOT the man who treated me like a queen,who had been in love with me “since the first time he saw me”,etc.,but a MONSTER.
He got rude,odd,and agressive(Cussing to add color to everything he said,but Really over doing it,and I asked him to stop).
In my hormonal fog,I told him angrily that I really didnt feel like hearing him spew out cuss words all the way there,especially at a time like this when I was already in fear of miscarraige,etc.
We got in a nasty,verbal fight while he was driving down the highway,and he sped up to 80 MPH,pulled off the road abruptly as if he
were going to drive us off the bridge and begins to rage at me and threaten me,”Oh..I’ll show you what its like to be scared..You dont know who your messing with..”,and then some.
I begin to start balling uncontrollably,and even then,in no way did he let up..so he was about to drive again,but I got out of the car with my purse and tried to run away from him on the side of the highway!!
I left my computer and all belongings except for my purse.
I was so afraid of what he would do if I got back in ther car with him.
He chased me down and grabbed me agressively and shook me,saying”If I wanted a girl to act like this,Id go downtown and buy a 2$ whore..Youre probably just using me for gas money to go see your family(My family was providing us with an extremely nice,all-expenses paid,luxury vacation,mind you,that he was not asked to pay for any of..gourmet meals included,etc..)He demanded at that moment that I give him some cash immediately and pay him for the gas,I said I would but would have to wait for an ATM,but he copped the persona of pimp dude,and was yelling at me like out of some movie where he was a pimp,and I was a ho,saying,”I want it now..Where is the cash?!”
(CRAZEE!!)
Yes…THIS was my Prince charming..Now,Someone Id never seen in my life acting insane,and I was on the side of the road pregnant,and crying,while bleeding,thinking I was having a miscarraige…
Who the Hell was he??
After three months,and out of no where,this Other character emerges,and I was now afraid for my life.
He drug me back to the car,and we went on our way,as I pretended to sleep as not to aggrivate him or the situation any further.
That night,at our vacation,I slept on the couch by choice,but the bed ,where he slept,was close by.
In the middle of the night, sat up out of a dead sleep and started speaking in tongues with a voice that was nothing but Demonic..
It was terrifying,and I slept with one eye open all night,in fear of him..
I called a friend the next day to ask what I should do,etc.
She was a survivor of an abusive husband and a counselor,and she told me to get in “survival mode”,to just get back home safely”by any means.”
In other words,to “Pretend” everything was OK between us,until the vacay was over and we got back home.
He played a very cool cat towards my family on the vacay and they continued to tell me what a great guy he was..
I was too embarrassed and scared (for them and me),to tell them of what had happened on our way down there.
So when we did get home,I had a friend come get me immediately..
(Im definately leaving some details out ,because this story is simply sooo long and bizarre)..
I told him she was coming over,because she needed to talk to me about some of her problems,so we were gonna grab dinner.
He coldly looked at me with evil eyes and said,”Hollah!”
(meaning,Later Bit*h,in his language..)
He’d never talked to me like that before..Ever.
It was so sad to me,and strange,and hurtful..
I went with her and told her the whole thing,and how he had to leave my house cause I was scared of him,and fearful that Id have to have some guy friends come over to protect me,and help me evict him..
I also told her that I felt,if he thought it was His idea,and felt HE was leaving ME,that it would be a better outcome,because of the size of his ego..
He,meanwhile,went to eat with His friend.
I went back home while he was out,and got my cat,my computer,and my few valuables..Things that could be harmed,stolen,etc.,and went to stay the night with my friend.
(I no longer trusted him at this point)
I left him a voicemail that I wasn’t coming home,because she was gonna take me to the Dr. the next day for the bleeding.
The next day,I got a text from him..”I moved out.Left the key in the mailbox.Don’t not wish to speak to you at this time.”
I KNOW,that He KNEW,he had crossed a line with me on that roadtrip,and that from that night on ,there would be no going back to the way things were before…
A month went by with no word from him.
His father was dying,and I understand that,but also felt very sad,and abandoned,and our Dreams of a Family and life together were gone..
I contacted him,saying,we needed to discuss the matter..
Then all of our few texts,from both sides,were cold and buisnesslike..
He had time to be chatting on the internet,but not time to call me and discuss Our child I was carrying..
I was devastated and considered terminating it,since it seemed clear to me he was out of the picture,as well as violent.
He currently has two exes suing him with the same lawyer for child support,and one of the exes was trying to terminate his parental rights for reasons I may never know..
I did have a few more nasty conversations with him after hed left,and am not proud of much of my behavior after it was all said and done..
Have been quite devastated and depressed since the whole thing..
I was not an angel either,but I cant understand why he turned so evil that night,then left me pregnant to deal with all of it on my own..
IT hurt so bad..
Then I missed him too,like the Stolkholm Syndrome,where the victims identify and befriend their captors..
I wanted back what I had once thought we had.
That I did think was REAL…
Its been 4 months since he left me.
I looked at one of his sites last night and saw him with “his new girlfriend..”
YES..I did some Secret Agent detective work,because I was left stunned and without answers..
What else is a red blooded,all-American girl to do?
Anyway,I went to her blog,only to discover that he had moved in with HER,only 5 or so weeks after he left me…
(Jeez,he doesnt waste any time ,does he?)
ALSO..
She just so happened to journal on her blog(which had very few entries),a conversation hee had with her…!!
He was telling her:
“I want to be with you forever and ever and ever..”
“I have ALWAYS loved you”
“I never want to be without you”..etc..etc..
THE EXACT SAME THING HE WAS TELLING ME ON A REGULAR BASIS>
THINGS that every woman wants to hear..
He didnt even bother changing his script for her…
Anyway..
Guess I found out morre than I needed to know,yett in some ways,
the sleuthing I didmay have helped release me and put me on the rroad to recovery..
He truly is howing a pattern here,not to mention that all th girls hee claimed to have dated before me,he said they were Crazy..All of them.
Not once did he ever take blame for any of the past failed relationships in his life..
I know that there is something ill with me as well,to have been involved with andd drawn to a guy like this,and I m definately willing to discover what that is,and work on it.
I have many regrets for some of the reactions I had towards him,as well during our relationship..
But I cannot understand how a guy would be sooo in love with me,and now less than 5 months later,is telling the new girl,all the same stuff..
I do believe he has all of the spath symptoms that were described,and as I go back through the experience there weere many red flags,I simply chose to ignore,because I loved him..
But now I am devastated and READY to move on for good..
Any advice is welcome,,
And I THANK YOU for listening to this entire story..
trueloveistrue