“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
SeeingClearly,
I say, warn the lady, letting her know to “be careful, taking good care of yourself while you’re involved with X.” Your conscience will be clear because you’ve done your part – warned a potential victim.
Thanks ladies, I did go back and read some of the threads. This guy just happened to be thw wrong person at the right time. I had several “warnings” and I took it seriously because I had much to lose (mainly my reputation). As I said I hired a PI, who was highly recomended. He found nothing unusual. I think that I knew there was something off ballance all along. He had a very good job but never had any money when we went out. He even told me that one of his former girlfriends had stopped dating him after she had seen a program about sociopaths. My antenea went way up and I started making excuses as to why I couldn’t go out with him hoping he would get tired of it and break it off. I think he knew I was wise to his game. These past 3 weeks I have devoted myself to learning all I can about s/p. My gut was telling me all along however when I met him I had had a life changing event ( a near death experience from an auto accident). I will be back and I will send other ladies and gents too to this site. Thank you all for sharing. I still feel it’s not over with. I’m waiting on the other shoe to fall. I’m out and I’m staying out. It is a relief.
Seeingclearly – we often talk about how they tell us who they are; usually, by projecting their own bad acts on the others or to us…and then sometimes by saying something about their real lives, like, ‘ my gf broke up with me after she saw a show about sociopaths. Their sense of invincibility and grandiosity is always so bizarre and rather awe inspiring (in the negative use of the word ‘awe’, as the root of ‘awful.’)
Good for you for following your instincts. They do tend to cycle round; so kept listening to your instincts.
I have warned people my spath conned – during the same period of time that i was. There was an underwhelming response to my warnings. My case is extreme and so unbelievably weird that i think it is hard for people to accept on that basis alone. Plus, i have done this anonymously; as it is very important that i do not put myself in harms way of the spath. She would go after the very thing you are concerned about, and threatened this in the past. I do know quite a lot about her m.o. and am in contact with other’s she has duped. When i first connected with them, i knew immediately they were telling the truth and that it was the same person (long story).
#1 take care of yourself. it is important to gauge whether or not you will be in harm’s way if you pay it forward. If you think your spath can do your rep. harm, you might want to consider a pre-emptive strike – telling those he may try to talk trash to about you (if this is at all possible). I tend to be quite ballsy – but in this case, i have be extremely careful. they are different creatures and you cannot treat them like an ordinary person. To them it is all about the ‘win’ – which is a lot easier to zero in on when you have no conscience or moral compass and you consider everyone a pawn.
ErinBrock
Thank you.
No he is not foreign. The GF doesn’t have any ties either.
Frankly I think he is doing THIS just to get me to THINK he wants to take him.
Also, he’d take him, just to take him for the same reason. He IS VERY annoying and knows how and where to push my buttons. I don’t think he’d do more than that, but he is also NOT trustworthy.
Oxy,
My question is just that: to what benefit is it to our two year old.
I should not have to come up with reasons for my son not to go. Jerkface should be forced to come up with reasons TO take a two year old out of the country.
I have no plans to take my son out of the country, now or in the future!
I am gathering cold hard evidence and preparing to be factual. (in care he drags me to court).
G’night
FAD
Cantbreathe ~
Thank you for writing your story. I saw our similarities; the independent spirit, raising children alone, being content with career, friendships and not having or looking for a relationship when “he” came along.
I, too, struggle with whether my ex- is a sociopath. I had warnings, tried to be aware and protect myself by building a wall and staying mindful of which side of it I chose to be on”the side on which I thought could keep my independence and have a sometimes relationship with a man that made me feel very whole and loved but also gave me my alone time. As it turned out, being an independent and rather introverted women gave him plenty of time to attend to many other women. I discovered it fairly early on, broke it off several times, but always got pulled back in because I was “THE ONE—.he just needed more time to get the mess he had created in his past with all these other women and this bad habit of being a bit of a man-whore behind him.
I wish I had the answer for how these men manage to get so lodged under our skin. I do know that I have abandonment issues from my very early childhood and am working on them with a therapist and The Betrayal Bond book, but some days it simply is not happening fast enough for me to heal myself and move on. I have written about half a dozen “absolutely final goodbye” letters to him over the past year”..
I had 25 days of NC and it was getting easier, not by much on some days but I could see progress. I went an entire afternoon without even thinking about him ”“ that was a monumental accomplishment for me. This past weekend he emailed me that he now hates Saturday mornings, because of the way we would take our coffee out to the backyard and watch the sunrise. Like a fool I read it, then smugly replied that I had fallen in love with my Saturdays again without him in my life. His responding email begged me for “the last time” to give him one more chance”even though he knew it was probably unlikely he felt I should know that I was THE ONLY WOMAN HE HAD EVER MET THAT HE WOULD CHANGE FOR, and that if I could find forgiveness in my heart, it would be repaid tenfold and he would do ANYTHING for me, including kill himself.
Still smug in my newfound freedom, I emailed back that I had forgiven him ”“ that was why I was loving my life again ”“ and so he was more than welcome to go ahead and kill himself. Ugg, I know”.but in my weakness and residual anger I struggle with why the world really needs these men.
I am now back on day one of NC—..I spend a ton of time reading this blog and should have known better than to break NC for ANY reason, but I did. The worst part is that I have put myself back in the fear and worry of what his next move will be, and that was what was loosening its hold on me before I stumbled last weekend.
Today I was driving home from work getting queasy about having to be with myself all evening unsupervised, and it occurred to me that if I put half the amount of time believing in myself the way I have tried to believe in him, this would be so much easier. As FAD pointed out, I am spending way too much time trying to figure out what he is and why. Regardless of whether he is a sociopath or not, I want to kick his lousy manipulative lying butt out of my head and stand up for me!….and then this tiny little voice in my head whimpers “please let this be the time I manage to do it”.
Absolutely amazing – the power we let them have over us. Stay strong Cantbreathe, I am glad you are here with us! xoxo
I am working on that degree currently…..
I can'[t believe all the shiat that spath brought into my world.
I’m on the verge of graduating from 1000 useless things to 1001 useless things I know. Only to protect myself.
Dang!
Dear Enigma,
Hang in there Tootsie, you are getting the drill down, and we all make back steps! Don’t let it throw you for a loop! I hear strength in your posts that weren’t here only a few days ago!!! That’s the spirit! Keep on keeping on!!!
I loved the “being unsupervised” by yourself! I’ve felt that way myself, that’s a good way to put it!!!
Give yourself a big hug and a TOWANDA!!!! You go! I think you are quite capable of supervising yourself! (((hugs)))
I am new to this site; well this is my second posts..been reading here for quite some time. Like Enigma and Cantbreath, I’m a single mom, in my mid 40’s, was happy, easy going,had lots of friends and just loved life.
I have been NC from my ex and am getting better each passing day. My story is met a guy 10 years older than me online. We talked for a couple months before we actually met. Once we met it was electric. We just “clicked” or so I thought. His web of lies started very quickly. I found out that only weeks after he told me that he could only focus on one woman at a time, implying he was only seeing me, he had just spent the weekend with another women off the dating site. I walked away. He sucked me back in by contacting me weeks later to tell me how much he missed me, he was scared of his feelings because he never had that kind of feeling for anyone before and knows it is love. I bought it hook line and sinker. The long and the short of it, it was 4 years of lies, cheating, promising change and how he couldn’t live without me in his life. Eventually, I would go back to him, only to repeat the same all over again.
This last break up he tried to pull me back in yet again. THIS was going to be the LAST time he ever hurt me. He is going to a therapist to find out why he does the things he does to the one he loves like no other. He doesn’t want to be “that person”, he wants to earn my trust now. I told him that IF he gets better he can try it out on someone else. Since that discussion I have gone no contact (never made it past a few days to a week in the past) he has sent a few emails and some text, I don’t read them I just delete them. I no longer care what he proclaims. He is dead to me now.
I have spent so much time, energy and sleepless nights on trying to figure him out. I finally got to the point that I realized it doesn’t matter if I ever figure him out. I need to get myself back to who I once was. The tactics he used to emotionally beat me down to where I thought I was crazy and insecure was amazing. When the entire time my gut was always right. But he was such a smooth talking liar, he lied without ever blinking or breaking a sweat. The smoke he blew up my ass should have started a blazing fire. I can’t believe I ever allowed any of this to happen to me. In all my years, I have never been in a relationship such as this. I never saw it coming. But I am healing, I am thinking very little about him. I know in the past I would have this sick feeling in my stomach that he would actually meet someone else to replace me-I think what kept me taking him back because the thought of him with someone else made me sick. But he WAS with others anyway! What was I thinking? But my thoughts now “TAKE HIM PLEASE!!”
I am working on myself. I may have been beat down but I am not out. I will win this fight and I am on my way to victory–and it feels so good!!
I had to edit to say in the article it talked about the crying at the funeral. His brother passed away a year ago. He watched him die. He never cried at his death or his funeral. Which I found very strange! And the last conversation he had with me about the therapy he said that his therapist wants to explore his lack of emotions. He claimed that they discussed things during that session and he cried like a baby over the loss of the love of his life. I find that hard to believe. He actually tried to make it sound like he was crying on the phone with me, voice started quivering, he started to sniffle through a few sentences. I didn’t react. He paused for a moment and in his normal voice asked if I was still there. It was almost comical if it wasn’t so sick! I fear he is going to learn how to “fake” emotions with therapy and become even better at his game and web of lies..but that really is not my problem. But I sure feel sorry for whomever is on the receiving end of that created monster.
Dear EB,
I’ll offer you what little information I have on the “thinking” of the Aryn Nation group mentality.
In PRISON, the whites stick together, ALL whites, Blacks, and Hispanics etc….however, there are gangs within races as well, so if a white guy who is NOT Aryn nation gets attacked by another white guy, no big deal, everyone stays out of it. If a white guy (member of Aryn Nation or not) gets hit on by a black or Hispanic guy, then all the whites will defend him.
My P son is not Aryn Nation, but he has Aryn Nation buddies. There is a big down side to being labeled a “gang member” in prison, so he stays out of the label. He has no tattoos etc either for the same reason.
The Trojan Horse psychopath is partly Hispanic and has tattoos but not visible with his clothes on.
The really rabid members of the Aryn Nation don’t willingly associate with or trust “non-whites” except for “business” purposes. They would be “down on” someone who was not pure (by their ideas) so would not want to be too close to them in a social way, but business, yep.
So my P-son sent a partly Hispanic Trojan horse to hurt us. He “looks” Hispanic but his name and accent is not Hispanic. He really doesn’t even speak good Spanish, just prison Spanglish.”
My P-son is not Aryn Nation but he IS very prejudiced in every way…after all he is god!
Just something I wanted to share that really helped me realize some the dynamics that happened to create the on again-off again relationship. I hope this can help some of you as well.
Can’t Let Go of a Bad Relationship?
Do you know someone who stays in a bad relationship? What hooks them? The standard answer is that they don’t feel good enough about themselves. They don’t feel they deserve better. Their have a low sense of entitlement.
While self esteem is certainly a factor, many of these people started out feeling much better about themselves than they do now.
Being constantly criticized, rejected, neglected, or abused eventually pays its toll. The low self-worth you see is not always the CAUSE of their being unable to leave, but the RESULT of having been treated this way. Once they feel low about themselves, they lose the strength to get out.
But there is more to it. They have become traumatically bonded.
A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.
There are examples of this everywhere in nature and science. Researches found that when training a duck to “imprint” them, when they accidentally “stepped on the duck’s toe,” the duck imprinted them more than before. Science has conducted myriad experiments that demonstrate the power of “pain” to strengthen the bond. It’s the principle fraternities use in hazing where they humiliate or hurt their pledges to instill greater loyalty in them.
But there is still another factor which really cements people to the abuser. They get hooked by the “intermittent reinforcement.” The abuser, every once in a while, will give them what they need, i.e. “a pat on the arm” or saying “love you” or “bringing home a paycheck.” It’s intermittent.
If you ever studied classical conditioning (Pavlov’s dog and all of that), you may remember that if you want to “train” a rat to respond a certain way, rather than giving a steady reward (i.e. sugar pellet), give it only intermittently. Intermittent reinforcement is more powerful than steady reinforcement.
This explains the paradox of relationships. If your partner mistreats you in all kinds of emotional or physical ways, you run the risk of getting deeply hooked in.
You’d think it would work the other way ”“ that if your partner made you feel secure, safe, and comfortable, you’d have a hard time leaving. But the irony is that many people feel freer to leave someone who has made them feel secure. Ever hear “nice guys finish last?”
But if they are made to feel chronically insecure, heart-sick, anxious, or hurt, they can get caught up in the drama of the abuse and locked into the dynamics of the relationship”“ especially if every once in a while, their partner gives them a little crumb of love — intermittent reinforcement.
If you are in a traumatic bond, you not only suffer from your partner’s criticism, blame, betrayal, unreliability, or neglect, but you suffer from beating yourself up for allowing it to happen.
You feel guilty for not being able to leave. Your friends may get fed up with you for being so stuck. Even your therapist loses patience. You feel judged. You feel weak. You feel ashamed of yourself.
Someone responding to the unhealthy relationship described in my last blog wrote:
<<>>
I was happy to receive this message because it confirms the bind so many people are in. The more infrequently the “crumbs of love” are offered, the more hooked you are. You become conditioned, like a rat in the cage.
Read more: http://www.thirdage.com/today/dating/cant-let-go-of-a-bad-relationship#ixzz145j8tUb4