“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Hi friends.
Aussie and SC say it very well – a stage comes when we say enough – I am spending way too much time trying to figure out what he is and why.”
well said girls.
petite
Goodnight Notcrazee and Petite!
It’s after 11.30pm here and I have a lunch and wine and movie date with a friend tomorrow but I have to drive 50km to get to her house, so I’d best get some sleep so I’m awake on the road!
Have a great day. xx
(Besides, I have just finished mega-posting on another thread and I am worried that the administrators will kick me off if I don’t pack it in for today!) 🙂
Aussie girl, if “mega posting” would get you kicked off here, Kathy Hawk and I would have been gone a long time ago…she’s the only one I know who makes her posts as long as mine, I just out post her 10 to 1 most of the time, and lately 100 to 1. LOL
I think the main reason I rarely mega post, is because I can’t type well, and I question my punctuation, and my spelling stinks. I certainly have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head…I just find it so hard to get them down….So mega post away ladies. It’s good stuff.
Hi Everyone-
Just popping in to say Hello,
and give a minor update.
Although I haven’t posted in awhile,
I Do Still peep in from time to time..
The truth is,I’ve been busy getting on with my life.
Things seem to be going very well for me,mostly,
and I am grateful for that..
I have gone NC…(But broken it once,about a month ago to respond to an e-mail he had sent to me.He did not respond to my response,so I’ve left it at that,and am happy..)
My ex-spath/x-fiance, is getting married in March,to a girl he had seen off- and-on for 6 years before he wooed me,and asked me to marry him.
He moved in with her a month after leaving me.
ASked her to marry him,only four months after he and I had been engaged.
Clearly,he had her as a fallback chick, planned the whole time,as he did not want to have one moment alone without a girl..
Id never even been aware of her,but she has a public blog,and I recently discovered(via her photos and blogs about their upcoming wedding),that he gave her THE EXACT engagement ring he gave me a few moths ago..
She posted a photo of it..And yes, it was the exact ring..(what a creep!)
He didn’t even bother searching for a different engagement ring for her..
Sorry,but it is just Too Weird..
(Part of me wants to write to him,and ask if he’d like the reciept for it-which he left behind when he left me..)
I am finally able to get on with my life today,though..
Each day gets better.
I’ve moved to a new town and I love it here.
Back in my old city,my close friends have told me,
He is now going to My old AA group,(I went there for ten years,and
I turned him onto that club..There are over 35 groups in our city,other than that one,where he could attend…Yes,Im sure he wishes to smear me,but the problem for him,is that I am beginning to care less and less about him at ALL)
Part of my new attitude,is that there’s little I can do anyway to avoid what he says or does,
and secondly,
the people who know me ,and who matter to me,
KNOW Im a good person..
So,he can have that AA group,for all I care..
Meanwhile,
I need honest for a moment,(for me),or,because it could be helpful to someone out there also recovering..
Id like to express briefly,(right or wrong),some of the ways Ive been dealing with the lost crazy spath relationsh*t…
After he left,initially,I was not interested in any man at all coming close to me.(for months)
7 months after I got sick of That idea..
I went a little wild for a minute myself,
and sewed some wild oats.
I saw a few men with whom I saw before him..
Although I was a little bit discerning,the truth is..
I was also sort of careless..
(Not proud,but still,”it took what it took “for me.Quite frankly,I am feeling lucky to be alive at all,after the course of this year-the aftermath of him,and all its madness)..
THEN after a bit of that..
I checked myself,and realised that,that behavior was not “fixing me” either,so I backed away from the dating scene again..
NOW:
Recently Ive met a guy that I really like.
We have alot in common,and the feelings are growing and are mutual..
I am happy to be getting into a new relationship again,and I really like this guy,but I am slowing things down,because of my last experience with the spath.
The new man is slow,and gentle..
Sort of quiet,not a big charmer type..
Conservative compared to me,and
Not the usual type I go for,(but maybe that is good)..
I know that we all pretty much want the same thing in life.
Love is generally a wonderful,beautiful thing to experience,and I admit,I enjoy being a part of a couple.
I am also very independent,but this new thing is very nice so far.
I do not want fear to keep me from the experience,however,I AM very cautious this time going into something new..
He seems like a man I could really care about..
We shall see..
I will keep everyone posted..
Just wante dto check in and say Hello,
share where Im at in my recovery from the spath,
since this site,and people in here have played such an integral part in
how I am getting through this spath experience..
Maybe it is good he is marrying another.
Hopefully,he will move on and far from me..
Still,it is one the weirdest,and saddest things Ive ever gone through..
Hope everyone is well,and being strong.
I will continue to check in,and read up on everyone here..
It DOES get better!
Time is doing wonders,and yes,I notice that the weeks Ive done complete NC(no peeping on his site,or looking etc.),that I feel ten times happier and stronger..
So NC it is again for me!
: )
Truelove
truelove,
I’m so happy for you. we all deserve that happiness, keep us posted, and we will keep you checked in with reality.
(((((hugs)))))
It makes me really feel good to know that many of us are moving forward and finding peace. thanks for updating.
trueloveistrue, what a lovely and uplifting story for us all.
Sometimes we are in the depths of despair here and it is sooooo good to hear a success story.
The engagement ring thing is just typical of spath (yuk)
Well done and good luck with the new guy.
Hi, HELP!!!
I’ve been involved with a sociopath for 15yrs. Nine yrs ago I left him because I couldn’t deal with the kids (not his) and him, and always being caught in the middle. The kids were always complaining about how strict he was, none of us could breathe, we always walked on eggshells, I felt I couldn’t do anything right….I didn’t leave because I didn’t love him, and I would have probably stayed if I didn’t have the kids, but who knows for how long. Anyway, we continued seeing each other, and I regretted leaving him, and even blamed my youngest daughter, and ultimately myself because I didn’t stand by him, I bailed, I didn’t work on our relationship hard enough. Oh, while we were together he was seeing someone and got her pregnant and, well, I forgave him because I pushed him to screw around on me because I wasn’t supportive enough, and didn’t give him the attention he needed. Least, that is was he has said and what I have been led to believe forever, and still do, to some extent. Two yrs after that he met someone, moved her in, and knocked her up too, all within five months. I was devastated because I didn’t see it coming, and wasn’t aware that he was seeing someone at the time. I couldn’t function, I lost weight, was suicidal, was not emotionally available to my poor kids. I really don’t know how I survived it, but I can tell you that I would have prefered death over the pain that I felt. Well, we have continued to see each other the whole time. He said he didn’t love the other girl, that it was all a mistake, but he was stuck, but would leave as soon as the baby was born, yadda, yadda. He professed his love up and down and sideways, and I believed it all. Everytime I would try to move on he would reel me back and plead with me to give him time. She finally left him 2yrs ago. He fell apart, then he said he didn’t want to be with me, I was just like the other 2, that have his kids (boy I need to write a book). I went into a depression, completely fell apart, had to take time off work etc. I cut off all contact with him, and was doing real well for 3 months, until he called me again. My name was still on the house. I signed off on the house, he had already bought me out shortly after I had moved out. The reason this hadn’t been done before was to protect him so that the girlfriend wouldn’t be able to go after it on account my name was on it. Ahhh, so much, so much, I am skipping so many parts. He has played with my feelings so much, and has led me to believe so many lies, I haven’t even skimmed the surface. We started seeing each other again, but never in public. He said his lawyer told him to not have any girlfriends until everything was settled, what with both mothers wanting child support and the one trying to limit his access to his son. He didn’t want to make things worse by them finding out about me. Well to make a long story short…he just bought a house with the girl who left him 2yrs ago, but he told me he wasn’t even seeing her. I’ve since found out so much crap it’s mind boggling! I’m sick to my heart at the extent of his lies, I can’t sleep, eat, I’ve lost weight, I feel like I’m dying all over again. OK, so I know he is a sick, sick person. I HATE the lousy piece of shit!! He played me like a fiddle, he used me for 15yrs, and just discarded me, through me to the curb. I’ve read your blog and understand that I will heal, eventually, but at the moment I feel so broken and worthless it’s difficult to function. It doesn’t help that I play everything over and over in my head…what did I do wrong, did he ever love me, maybe he will change his ways with this girl, maybe he really loves her and he wants to live an honest life, was I the cause of their break-up, maybe I deserved this, will I ever find someone that will make my body sing the way he did, will I ever get over him…?????? By the way, I spoke to her stepdad and told him everything. He will speak to her mother and they will decide if whether to tell her or not. As it stands, he is not welcomed in their home. The stepdad told me, my ex was controlling, and verbally abusive to her while they lived together, and he would wear her down when they had arguments until she would bend to his will. When she told her stepdad they bought a house together, he was floored and told her she was making a mistake. She kept saying, “Oh, but he loves me. He wants to be a family.” They know he is bad news, but he is not sure if she should be told the truth as they are concerned that my ex will convince her that her parents are just trying to ruin things for them, and he will prevent them from seeing their grand-child. I will wait for now, and see if she calls. I feel that even if she were to know the truth, and I have proof of everything, e-mails, conversations etc. she would disregard it and remain with him. What should I do? Anyway, that’s my horror story.
Hold on to the notion it does get better.
And that knowledge is empowering.
You will find a lot of knowledge here.
Gorge on it.
We’ll be right here