“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Ox,
Where you are is where I WANT to be. Star, I understand how you feel. I have those SAME desires, but I want to sort of change the focus a little. I want to be OKAY with ME WITHOUT A MAN if it never happens. It doesn’t mean that the desire isn’t there. IT IS, BUT, I understand reality in that there really AREN”T a lot of men out there who aren’t suffering from some MAJOR dysfunction, particularly on dating sites. If one shows up in my life and he’s a GOOD man, then woo hoo! But if not, ………….I dunno, it seems so stressful to “find that life partner”…..then I gotta deal with getting use to someone all over again.
Speaking for myself and NOT for you, I have a void, a loneliness. I see it for what it is. I have to learn to fill it with me, so that even though I desire a relationship, it isn’t the end of the world if i don’t have one.
LOL! I love Kathy Bates, OX. I think she’s a riot. I also adore Joy Behar. These women are older, but they are HYSTERICAL.
I’m not yet fifty but approaching. When I think about another relationship and think about it as a WHOLE spectrum, rather than just this one desire, well………….I’m happy being single I think….
I think you need to do what’s best for you, Star.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you wanting to date or have a life partner. Just beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee careful 🙂
Flower
Dear What-ever-your-name-is, The continual name changing is disconcerting to those of us who have CRS and have trouble keeping up with who is who on the blog—anyway, “whatever” the “getting to where I am today”didn’t happen over night, and I got here and regressed and got here and regressed, and may regress again….but the point is that I keep on trucking in the same direction and when I fall down I get up and get back on the road toward healing.
The only thing that is CONSTANT is CHANGE and I am doing my best to be continually changing for the better—some days I don’t accomplish that, other days I have breakthroughs.
Each of us has to work on ourselves and the things that we need or want to change about ourselves. It is an individual thing.
Life is what happens to us while we make other plans….and if you are always living in the TOMORROW you let a lot of todays go by that you don’t even notice.
If I had just ONE suggestion for you it would be for you to SLOW DOWN and quit worrying about being where I am or where Star is and just BE WHERE YOU ARE NOW.
Ox,
Thanks for the boink.
I happened to like that name. But to clear up any confusion, just decided to return to the original.
It’s clear to me by your post that I may be creating some issues here.
Thanks
Dear LL,
Nah, you’re not “creating issues” here—the continual name changing is confusing though, I will admit that!
Seriously, though, I think you are RUSHING yourself, wanting to be OUT of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that we are all enveloped in and it takes TIME to get there. We intellectually get it first, then eventually emotionally get it and then we start being more stable in the actions that go along with it, and sugar, there just ain’t no way to make huge LEAPS of progress FAST.
I’ve been at this HARD for over 3 years, going on 4 years since I first started to —what is the word? “realize”? “accept”?—I’m not even sure what the WORD should be, but since I found myself sitting in an RV on a friend’s property up by a lake, hiding out, afraid to go home, knowing that my P son and his dupes wanted to kill me….and there I saw crying like a baby….at all the time I WASTED loving my P son, trying to please my egg donor, and that they had all just tossed me aside like a piece of toilet paper and taken in a pedophile ex convict to “replace” me.
Well, you know….I’ve still got a long way to go, a lot to learn, and each day I work at it….but I do my best to enjoy the day, TODAY for what it is, not “want to be somewhere else”—so Again I say, if I had ONE thing to say to you, it is slow down, breathe, and enjoy the NOW, today—where you are right this second and don’t “wish your life away” wanting to be anywhere else other than where you are NOW. (((hugs)))))
Ok girls and guys……let’s set out what we would see as our ideal partner (not that we want one!)
Be as shallow as you like…….for instance if you had to choose between money, hair, willy, (notice my priorities here!!) car, good at decorating, ok with fixing drains, willing to change our incontinence pads (yuk) trimming our toenails (cos we can no longer reach that far anymore!)
You know the kinda things we REALLY need.
Never mind all that candle light dinner stuff, let’s cut to the chase here
Forgot to say, therapy went well today. Counsellor was great. Get my certificate next week to prove I’m sane!
pps Never had a certificate that said I was insane but need one to prove I AM sane (only kidding)
Candy,
I Made that list a long time back.
Matt one of the bloggers here (he doesn’t come round much any more, too happy and busy) but he made a “-TION” list
Transporta-TION (has his own car)
Educa-TION (not an idiot)
Habita-TION (has his own home)
I never can remember what the 4th TION was, but it had to do with a job I think. That’s a good start.
FOR ME:
The NUMBER ONE THING IS ****HONESTY**** if the guy isn’t honest nothing else matters. So that eliminates every guy who has ever been arrested or served time, every guy who has been a SERIAL cheat, every guy who has been a criminal more serious than jay-walker.
The rest are simply things that would be nice and are negotiable, but NUMBER 1 IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
I’d like someone who is financially stable…not someone who is rich, just someone who doesn’t spend more than he makes and isn’t into money as status.
I’d like someone who hasn’t been in 106 different relationships and 6 marriages, i.e. someone who is EMOTIONALLY stable and can commit.
I’d like someone who is spiritually turned, who has a moral compass and compassion for others and empathy.
I’d like someone who is smart—formal education is nice but not necessary. Smarts just make life interesting.
I’d like someone who is capable, and knows what he is capable of, and what he isn’t capable of.
Someone who can discuss things without always having to be right. Who can even PASSIONATELY DEBATE things without getting mad if you don’t agree with them. Someone who can disagree without being disagreeable.
Someone who knows which fork to use at a formal dinner, but who can get a kick out of digging in the dirt or camping out.
Someone with a sense of humor, who can laugh at himself, or who can laugh at me, or with me.
Age 55-70 please phone 1-800-NOT A CHANCE Hee hee
Phew Ox, that’s some wish list! Pleased you are flexible on the age range. Are you just after his free bus pass!
Aha…I have the fourth – it’s ErecTION!! (as in has his own scaffolding pole)
I want a man who is a good person, mature emotionally, with sense of humour, clever, literate, no materialistic, no narcissistic, sensitive, handsome, stud, sexy, with a big dick.
So much do i ask for?