“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Hey, CANDY!!!
You are a BAAAAD GIRL!!! But that is funny!!! ROTFLMAO I hadn’t thought of that one, but yea, that too. It pithes me off that I never can remember what Matt’s other “tion” is and I know it means job, but it is like I have a MENTAL BLOCK on it. Erec-tion would do though!
So far I have not gotten past RULE #1, the last guy I dated for a while (a few dates) and it has been over a year, turned out to be not so honest, and wanted me to let him fly my little airplane though the license was expired on the plane, there was no liability insurance on either the plane or the airport, and for WHAT? So I could take all the risk if he crashed it? His excuse was “well, I won’t crash it, I promise.” Nah, the only pilots I fly with are ones that FOLLOW THE RULES. I don’t drive my car without a license for myself, or the car, or without insurance, so I’m gonna let that guy fly my plane WHY? He didn’t seem somehow to understand my attitude, so I figured if he would be dishonest about THAT and IRRESPONSIBLE as well, I didn’t need him in my life.
Funny that way. If you eliminate the dishonest and irresponsible people from your life, how the PROBLEMS SEEM TO GO WITH THEM.
EVA!! I like your thinking girl. I have to tell you mine had a 8 inch, no lie, massive, shame it was wasted on a spath with no feelings.
Ox – You have a plane? Wow! No wonder he fancied you.
Candy, mine had a very nice and thick dick. Everytime i watch the pic of his dick i get depressed. Why so many sexy men are psychopathic?
Oxy, How about “reputaTION” to add to Matt’s list?
And what about inseminaTION?
Hhaahaha. I’m joking, of course.
Must be that the weather is improving and i have the hormones a bit revolutionized.
Ladies,
I’ve been reading these posts and well, it reminds me of my brother who thinks he’s going to win the lottery. You’re all just dreaming. Mr. wonderful is part of your programming – TV PROGRAMMING.
The most important thing you can do is exactly what LL is doing, look at YOURSELF. do it critically.
For myself, when first out of the relationshit, I thought I would soar with the eagles now that the evil FOG had lifted. But I didn’t soar. I began to understand that part of my programming is that I have to be making someone else happy all the time, or else I become depressed. I UNDERSTAND that this is part of MY personality disorder and I have to fix it, but meanwhile, I needed to attend to life and if I needed a crutch to do it, well so be it.
Luckily I ran into just the man. It was a God send because he is not perfect by a long stretch, but he fit the bill perfectly for me at this time in my life. If I met Mr. Wonderful, I would’ve just sunk into his life and disappeared. Mr. Perfect -for-me-at-this-moment, keeps me on my toes, constantly striving to become better. His imperfections provide a reality check. I actually love his flaws.
Coincidentally, he is also incredibly smart, and way smarter than I am, which I NEED or I become very bored. And coincidentally I happen to have known alot about him because he was my exP’s friend for so long.
I NEVER choose a man on his looks. Except that I don’t like the very good looking ones too much. They are usually shallow. And you know what else? He doesn’t come across as charming at first. Because he is shy, he thinks he is socially inept. But he’s not, he has the MOST AMAZING WIT and keeps me entertained beyond my wildest dreams just by talking (when he isn’t having a tantrum because things aren’t working EXACTLY as he wants).
I guess what I’m saying is that, with the exception of Katy, I doubt any of you would give my BF half a chance at first glance or even second or third glance. It takes time to get to know a decent person, so give everyone a chance. Mr. Wonderful for you may be hiding under a nerdy expterior, or a fat one, or a way too young/old one.
In my case it also helps that I am attracted to unusual ways of thinking/living/being. This was a problem when I was young and met the spath. His unusualness attracted me to him. But maybe he was just wearing that mask because he knew that attracted me. As it turns out he was wearing my BF’s skin most of the time or a cheap replica of it. He wasn’t very good at it because he could never replicate the intelligence.
Anyway, now I’m rambling. Just wanted to say if the current strategy isn’t working, switch strategies.
Star, specifically to you, I’d like to say that Latin american men are the LAST place I’d look for a man. They DO NOT respect women in that culture. I KNOW FROM VAST EXPERIENCE. Why don’t you turn on some Latin cable TV channels for a taste of objectification like you’ve never seen?
One other thing I’ve learned is that men will complement you to watch your reaction. If they see that it pleases you they will know that your self-esteem revolves around THEIR opinion of you. Then THEY’VE GOT YOUR HOOK. Now all they have to do is use that against you. If I’m insulted by a man or woman, I do not believe that their opinion of me reflects on me. THEIR OPINION reflects on THEM. So why would I believe them when they flatter me? Why would I think that their flattery reflects on me? It does NOT. It is their opinion, it reflects on them. If you reject flattery, you have rejected someone else’s control over your self-esteem. Then their rejection of you, becomes meaningless as well.
I came to this conclusion as I’ve watched too many spaths doing the whip-saw. First attention, then rejection. Sometimes I’ve seen it flip after a few months, sometimes it takes years. I even watched a guy do it to my BF in 30 second intervals, right in front of me. It’s up to us to reject THAT.
Sky. Thank you for your post. I met a guy on the internet (not spath – they are not all baddies) He’s a lovely guy and I’ve been chatting to him for about 2 years.
It’s a bit flirty but nothing rude or crude. He’s about 20 stone and he hates being the size he is.
My point is that he is the most wonderful man. If ever I am feeling down he cheers me up and vice versa.
He will never move down here and I will never move up there (kids). He always gives good, sound advice, he did advise me over spath but I did not want to listen.
We met once, he made a picnic and we sat on the sand chatting for hours about nothing in particular. I’ve met his daughter she’s lovely and he’s very proud of her.
His wife is a drinker and she moved out a long time ago but still gives him grief.
So yes, there are all shapes and sizes out there and I try not to judge a book by its cover.
He’s a very dear friend, they are hard to come by, and I feel humble that he chooses to be friends with me. He has never once said ‘I told you so’ but he has comforted and encouraged me in some of my darkest hours. A true friend.
Oxy,
is OCCUPA-tion the word you’re looking for?
You know looking at that list of 3 requirements, I have to bang my head on the wall when I remember that when I first met J online, & then came to visit me the first time, I knew that he didn’t have either TRANSPORtation or HABITAtion, OR OCCUPA-tion. Certainly he had education—-at least he told me he did & his intelligence verified that for me. And another thing he had was REPUTAtion—but, as far as I knew, the only reputation he had was with the DEA as a Ecstasy manufacturer in flight from federal prosecution!!
Amazingly, that worked for me for the 2 yrs he lived with me as a fugitive & thru the 2 yrs after he was arrested & was in prison, & I happily accepted him back into my home as a federal parolee, still with no transportation, habitation, or occupation! Maybe that was becuz he also definitely had the ERECtion thing happening…..at least until shortly after he came back from prison & started his 4 yr affair with the woman he’d targeted for his “big con.”
Yeah, he eventually worked back into his legal occupation as a soil scientist, & yeah, got his own transportation, but I provided him the habitation & the place to pursue his occupation (that huge lab bldg he had moved into my back yard & which is still a toxic site), & I paid $1500 to refurbish the Tracker we were sposed to be using for *our* 4WD transportation in Mexico!
Now I guess he’ll never hafta worry about any of those things ever again, thanks to his wealthy wife….I noticed on a forum last week that they were selling all their furniture & appliances they’d bought 6 months ago becuz they were moving back to PV where she’d been living for 3 yrs. I had to ask myself why–other than vanity & extravagance—anyone would buy $5000 worth of furniture (at Mx prices) in a place where most all residences are leased/sold furnished.
So they’re going to pack up “our” little Tracker & leave the place in paradise “we’d” been planning to live for the last 4 yrs…..at least I know they’re gone from My Place so that if I ever get my inheritance, I’ll be able to live there in peace.
I have been slowly UNpacking my things here….trying to get back to living my life day to day & accepting that it is what it is. I know that my primary objective needs to be to find peace in my life as it is & to keep my focus on the good in my life & my faith in a full & prosperous future—& NOT in holding onto the hurt & anger & pain of betrayal…..that’s the difficult part, but I’m working at it!
Skylar
That was an amazing post. Every word of it.
I agree with you about “latin” men. My ex P and my ex POS were both.
LL
Somewhat related: I saw this article on HuffPo yesterday & thot it was relevant to post here. Whether or not these chickenshit reasons for leaving like this can be attributed to N/SP/P behavior, it is “the most hurtful, hateful and heinous way to exit”.
HOW NOT TO TELL YOUR SPOUSE YOUR WANT OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE
Without question, the cruelest way you can tell your spouse you want out of the marriage is to never mention that you are unhappy and then, one day quite out of the blue say, “I’m not happy. I want a divorce.”
I call this a “hit and run” way to tell your spouse you want out of the marriage and, in my professional opinion, it is the most hurtful, hateful and heinous way to exit your nuptials. Those on the receiving end of this proclamation would surely agree with me.
A hundred per cent of the people who come to see me after their spouse has dropped this two ton bomb on them have been nothing short of devastated, bleary eyed and incapacitated–often for a long time.
What, when and how you tell your spouse you want a divorce will depend greatly on whether the two of you have had any previous conversations about divorce. Couples who have been mutually unhappy or have had conversations using the “D” word will obviously be less thrown off than those who didn’t see it coming.
One woman described the day she was told this way: “My biggest concern that morning as we went to work was what we would be having for dinner that night.” She had no idea that her husband was even unhappy, let alone that he was thinking of leaving.
It makes me wonder why so many people take this strategy. What could they be thinking? Or not thinking? Feeling? Or not feeling?
While there are always exceptions to any rule, I have seen five main reasons why “hit and runs” are so prevalent. I’ve also included rebuttals to these reasons that demonstrate how the leaver actually ends up getting the opposite result intended.
1) Fear: If I tell him I’m unhappy, he will go to pieces and I’ll feel guilty
Where’s the logic here? Do you not see that if you LEAVE suddenly he will be more likely to go to pieces and you will feel more guilty?
2) Selfishness: I don’t care about her feelings. “I just want out!”
Treating someone with this level of disrespect and disregard actually keeps you in longer and stronger because the person you are leaving is in shock and often can’t/won’t accept the fact that you really mean what you are saying and that you want out.
3) Impatience: I just want to get this over with!
Again, the chances of exiting quickly or gracefully diminish drastically when you give your spouse no warning of your departure. Your spouse, who may be just starting the grief process, will delay the process interminably by having to have their emotions “catch up” to yours.
4) Lack of Courage: I’m a “rip the band-aid off quickly” kind of person because I can’t stand to hurt someone
If this person had courage, they would have told their spouse way back when that they were not happy. They would have had the courage to do the work it takes on themselves and on the marriage; the courage to face their problems.
5) Sneakiness: Maybe I can live a double life and he’ll never find out
It is often people who have been having an affair who take this tack in leaving their marriage. They have set themselves up with a new life and they are ready to move on.
I’m sure there are other justifications people can come up with as to why they leave this way, but it only serves to make the process take longer, make the separation more difficult, make your spouse more emotional and perhaps even irrational and it is not the way you treat someone you exchanged vows with.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-pease-gadoua/how-not-to-tell-your-spou_b_820042.html