“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Maria,
so sorry you are dealing with this stalker.
As long as you are talking to him and telling him that he has hurt you, he will keep stalking you. He likes to hear it. He likes the pain in your voice. It gives him a feeling of power to know that he is able to cause you pain.
You might try using Gray Rock. That means don’t give him any emotions. Don’t let him see you happy or sad, be non-committal about EVERYTHING. He is looking to feed on your emotions, so don’t give him any.
Maria,
I suggest that instead of trying to bore this stalker to death that you change your e mail, block him or whatever you have to do so that he CANNOT CONTACT YOU. I think there is nothing you are going to do to make him quit except block him.
We call this NO CONTACT and it lets YOU TAKE BACK THE POWER to interact with (or not) anyone you want to. As long as he has access to your voice mails, e mails or messages then he WILL continue to stalk you and that is what this is is stalking. Every time you give him a response it is a REWARD for him. Even if there are 20 no contacts between each contact, that only shows him that he just has to keep it up 20 times until you respond.
In the meantime learn here, there are wonderful and helpful insightful articles here on lovefraud. Glad you are here, it is a healing place.
the “clean” thing always confused me. My x-spath had a sign hanging in the bathroom about all the germ demons on the hand. He always washed going to a restaurant. Gave me lecture over lecture for using a sponge instead of a paper towel in the sink. Dressed immaculate when going to work and out with his married girl friend, however, his car was a trash can, an ashtray. He did not change sheets for months or clean up cat piss when they got scared of him and sprayed the baseboard.
I just remembered something about my spath. He never washed his hands but he was constantly using his dish washer and his washing machine. He would never wait until he had a full load to do the dishes and would do laundry on a daily basis. Gawd I’m learning so much here.
You know, I have really come a long ways in unwinding and figuring this all out. There is NO LOVE and AFFECTION to being used and manipulated. We see what we want to see and not the way things really are because it’s easier for us to deny the truth than to accept that someone/anyone/could do these kinds of things to anyone else.
I have heard: “I know what it LOOKS like but that isn’t the way it is at all….” Well, my point is: if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck…..guess what? IT MUST BE A DUCK!
They are so involved and complex to figure out.
There is no way another human being CAN figure them out.
It’s not like they are ever going to change, because people like this don’t change. They don’t have the gumption nor the understanding and/or intelligence to make themselves any different than the way they are. As I was told: “There is no time nor room for reflection…”
Well, isn’t that a horrid way to live?! NEVER taking stock in yourself; never knowing what you REALLY feel; NEVER putting your feet down on the ground and finding out what life is about and all of those sweet little things that make life so worth it: compassion, kindness, insight, reflection…
Oh yes, they are, or can be, very meticulous when they want to and that is really their persona: ‘perfection’; but in everyone else, not themselves. They are the world’s well of knowledge and if you ever doubt that, just ask them. They WILL tell you.
I see everything the way it really is, anymore. All the blinders have come off and now I see what it is I have been really dealing with here and there is no such thing as ‘being friends’ with someone/anyone/who uses you, disrespects you, treats you like fodder…that is where we have to know our worth and our value.
While I do believe NC works in certain situations, especially where there is violent behavior, etc., I don’t necessarily believe that it works in all circumstances, unless you want to walk around the rest of your life NEVER having resolution. I am a firm believer in ‘solving’ things – even if it is a final break…
I will NEVER believe that my breaking NC and going back for another round was wrong for me, in my situation. He does not live with me, or in my city; he does not have access to my phones; the only access he has, which is seldom utilized anymore, is text messaging, through instant messenger.
When I went back – I did so for a reason and an intent. I found all the answers I was looking for and if I had stayed NC permanently, I would never have found those answers. So, I don’t believe NC works in all situations.
It does if you are in a violent situation, and mine was for a while. That has settled down now (with greatest of reserve) which is why there will be no more coming any closer to me; not ever. We have had the chance to explain ourselves, somewhat. At least NOW I can see and hear with my own ears and eyes, what this has been all about.
And, you know what this is about? It’s about a sick person, with a serious mental illness, who refuses to do anything about it and is willing to throw away everything and everyone in their life to achieve what THEY want, the way they want, HOW they want it. Almost like a child, throwing a tantrum. I am not saying FORGIVE, FORGET, BLOCK, GO NC, not at all…what I AM saying is that sometimes in order to receive what we wish, we must also ‘give’ a little –
I don’t believe that cutting anyone off is the RIGHT situation, at all times. If I believed that, it would negate my belief in HOPE and all those wonderful things we say ppaths don’t have.
I think that is where the confusion comes in.
I am not saying continue being abused, continue being disgraced and disrespected, but if you find yourself in a situation like mine, where you NEED answers, I do believe grey rock works very well in getting your point across to ppaths and spaths. Very well. That is their language; what they understand.
It is working very well for me. Since I went back after almost 9 months of no contact, I learned a great deal. So much so that it has finally put not only my mind and my heart to rest, but has also given my life some understanding and direction.
To hear: “I know what it looks like…” Is a lot further than I have ever heard! Oh yea, well, it does look like that. In fact, IT IS like that.
I am not saying break NC and go running back; certainly you would never do that if your life and/or physical well being is in jeopardy…what I am saying is that sometimes we have a tendency to pass out ‘labels’ and those ‘labels’ may not be particularly correct for someone else.
In my case, since we have never been married; have no children together, living; have no ties in the ‘real world’, so to speak…the only contact we have is over the internet now. And, yes, IN MY SITUATION, it helped me tremendously and skylar’s ‘grey rock theory’ is helping immensely.
My point is this: since it HAS calmed down a great deal between us and there are no more threats and no more stalking…no more phone calls and no more ugliness being directed at me, right now, it’s very easy to listen and to hear what is really the case, instead of spending years of NC, walking around without the satisfaction of hearing it all for myself; unabridged; unabashed; just gas light after gas light; web after web…I can see it all now, after having been ‘learned’ of these kind of people.
IN MY SITUATION: I have been NC like maybe 5 or 6 times now; I lost count…I have gone back and ‘put it to bed’, now, once and for all…what’s to lose? Everything for me, to gain and I have. Speaking to “IT”, again, even if just over the internet, has given me the ‘resolve’ and ‘education’ I needed to hear to finally have some peace with all this.
Oh sure, I am absolutely certain “IT” is everything we have talked about and MORE…there is absolutely NO DOUBT and that is exactly WHY I never pursued things further with “IT” because “IT” always ends up being abusive…always; either by manipulation, or violence. I do not know of one single woman this jerkazoid has ever been with, except for me, that he hasn’t BEATEN. And I have known him a long time…
The only reason he has never beaten me is because I have never allowed him around me that long. No; you can’t move in here with me; no; you can’t stay here; no; no; no; no!!!!!!
I guess I had my ::red flag:: glasses on through this whole thing, after all, because I am still alive and not in that ugly, abusive, selfish, relationship anymore.
I have found new peace with accepting things as they really are. There is no amount of stressing, ruminating, psychotropics; NC, none of it —- there is none of it that has made this any easier, except for my understanding and realization and acceptance.
I am on my way out of the ‘spath zone’ again, only this time, I am leaving COMPLETELY AT PEACE and COMPLETELY RESOLVED. This is one ppath that will NEVER have another chance at me, my Dears…NEVER.
So, for us to say that one particular thing works over another and/or to debate that point, is really moot because healing is as different and unique as the spath and as the person involved.
In my case, to continue NC without resolving anything would have been a huge mistake for me. I would have died never knowing for sure. It isn’t enough to ‘just take someone’s word’ for it…you have to see it, hear it, experience it and THEN it makes it all settle down and make sense. I believe it is our responsibility to diffuse situations as much as we possibly can and not ram them farther into the ppath black hole.
SKYLAR: grey rock is working and has worked magnificently! The spath is slithering away, scratching his head, confused…don’t know why I just am not following along with the plan anymore!!!! I have also heard several ‘admissions’ a long the way I needed to hear!!! Imagine that.
So, I would suggest NC if there is no other alternative.
If you are being beaten, tortured, emotionally or physically harmed…by all means..NC is the only way to go. I have been repeatedly threatened and my life has been in danger on several occasions, but I am not afraid of him. That is the difference. I have lots and lots and lots of back up should he decide he EVER wants to punch my lights out and he knows it! He will NEVER be back around my place, anymore. But, I am grateful I got to see it and experience it all for myself once again. It has really helped me move along in my healing.
I would reiterate once again: IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, BE THAT RELATIONSHIP PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY OR EVEN FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE…GET OUT AND SEEK ASSISTANCE. You do not have to tolerate any abuse in a relationship. That is NOT one of the requirements for being in a relationship. Love, communication, sincerity, concern…all of those things are!
If you are unsure of what to do, don’t jeopardize yourself. NEVER JEOPARDIZE YOURSELF nor YOUR SAFETY.
The local authorities, where ever you may live, will be an immense assistance to you in leaving any kind of abusive relationship. Reach out: there ARE people who care and who will help you.
I am not saying that what has worked for me, would work for anyone else – what I AM SAYING is: this is what worked for me. I am glad I went back, one more time, to hear it all for myself. Truly I am. But, I have been 1000 miles away while hearing it too.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY EVERYONE.
Hi All,
Just went through 4 months with one of these mind boggling deceivers online.
WOW! So much enticement, empty promises and short fused anger all in one.
I was roped in emotionally big time. It’s over because he couldn’t get money out of me and I was dumped after amazing vows of love just days before.
Well a friend told me of your website and here I am trying to put the pieces back together of my broken heart.
Thanks,
6wings
6wings,
cool! he didn’t get money out of you. I’m very pleased to meet you. You are one of the few who have managed THAT!
I’d like to hear more about your escape. Congratulations and welcome.
Dear 6 wings,
Yes, I second Skylar’s welcome and congratulations! Getting out without having your bank account skimmed too is amazing! Good for you!!!!
This is a great place to learn and heal, and knowledge =power so get to reading there are over 700 (last count I had) of great articles in the archives!
And just jump in anywhere with a comment or question. Again,, welcome!
Wow, I’ve been doing a lot of reading over the last 6 months about socios, mal narcissists, master manipulators and path. liars, trying to figure out what happened in my life, but this blog pretty much says it all. Have not had the time to read all the comments, but Duped, 6 Wings and others pretty…..I just have to shake my head. Sorry for you and all others sucked into this unfortunate, sick but seductive situation. I really am disappointed in myself for falling for my boss’ crap because I saw it coming and I am NO youngster. But once a vulnerable person, I am convinced one is always on that “spectrum,” and these folks know just where to plant the poison arrow. This guy seemed smarmy the first time I interviewed with him. I didn’t care, I just needed a job and mine was about to come to an end. The money was so bad, I just left and forgot about it. Time went by and I found myself back there looking for work. He hired me on the spot and also told me a sob story about his marriage. I knew that was wrong. Didn’t bother me but he was setting the scene. I was still into finding work and I was so much older than him, I figured I was a mother figure. That was about one year ago. He left me alone for awhile, maybe said a couple of things that seemed weird for the guy who was in charge, but again, I was not into him or any of his foolishness. Finally he directly hit on me and I was totally shocked. I mean I realized he was a little more friendly than he should be, but he also was extremely closeted, surreptitious, closed and secretive….even when he was being “friendly.” I just figured he was being careful due to his position and the fact he and I were both married. I am married 25 yrs, never cheated on my husband or any boyfriends before that. Not in my nature. Well, this guy really got to me. In my former life, when I was young, I picked one inappropriate guy after the other – lots of therapy revealed the reasons to me but after all this time, I was just shocked by all of it. Gradually, he started email’ing me, calling me at home, saying nice things…he was very careful though, but there were times when he would just do or say something right there in the office that was so obvious, like “You were so missed” right in front of everyone after I’d been out two days…well the truth was I really didn’t know nor had I worked very much yet, and everyone knew it, so the only one to have missed me had to be him. I was startled as he was usu so careful. He would say things that made me feel he thought we had a connection, his comments sometimes had a religious tone. He never came out and said that he loved me or anything like that, it was more the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, he did tell me I was beautiful, and there was “something about me.” He would say we would go out and it never happened. I was not going to ask him out. It doesn’t matter….he reeled me in and I fell for him, with full knowledge that he was nuts. I even told him I thought so….after all, I could have easily gone to his boss so I knew there was definitely something wrong with him. We had lots of discussions over email and in conf rms at work about different things…his marriage, etc., but it was always about him. When I spoke, he would stare at me as per the blog (I think it was this blog, maybe another) but it was never with love, I think he was trying to figure out how to act, be, pretend. Or maybe, he was just bored stiff. One day, he invited me to his place (his wife had kicked him out of the house). I did not go. It was a fun day though, we email’d and talked on the phone all day. He admitted his attraction to me, but everything he was was in a protective way. “What man in his right mind wouldn’t be attracted to you.” I finally got really frustrated with his behavior. I was totally overcome by his crumbs of seduction and am ashamed for many reasons. I got sick of his email’ing or being fllirtatious with me, then he’d disappear for days, send me an email, then not respond. I broke it off and said I did not enjoy this friendship anymore. He sent me 21 emails. After that, things began to really change and in one month he got fired. That was 6 mos ago and I am just beginning to crawl out of my shell of misery. I am so embarrassed that I put this mess of a person (IT is SO correct – this is not a person). When I began to try and make sense of it, I stumbled upon many articles about sociopaths and I knew I had hit gold. I let this jerkoff make a major mess of my emotional life and my family life too. I have not been myself at all. I constructed a persona around him that did not exist. I can barely listen to any of my favorite music and it all makes me think of him. But he is not the person I conjured up. He is an IT and though I realize he has lost everything, and is ill, he did have some choice. How sick is it to lose your family, home, job, etc., just because you were unable to keep your pants on. This is what I believe finally did him in..someone turned him in. He called me towards the end of his employment to ask me if I had said anything to anyone about relationships in the office – that’s how he spoke, in cryptic puzzling ways. He lied right in my face around that time when I brought up a very bizarre incident that had occurred around the same time…said he never did it. I think he was panicking and trying to keep me on his side at the same time…it was horrific. Anyway, thanks for listening. He often said he was in a fog, and boy, he dragged me right in there with him and prob a bunch of other women as well. I think he used me, an older woman by 12 yrs, because I represented some older women in his life he wanted to punish, but having to be the good boy, he couldn’t do it directly. I am just beginning to emerge from the fog, but let me tell you I don’t like being in that workplace as I can “see” him everywhere….I’d like to punch his lights out.
Sorry for all the grammatical errors! I’m sure anyone who reads this gets my drift tho.