“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
StillReeling, LOL!!! No need to “be quiet!”
The best eye-opener for me throughout this whole mess has been to discover the “inner child” and what it really refers to. I mentioned in several other posts that my misguided belief was that the “inner child” was that part of me which still relished childlike joy and innocence. Boy, was I wrong! Introducing myself to that broken, neglected, and abandoned “self” was the baby-step that I needed to take to understand why I was such an easy frigging target! I wanted SO much to be accepted, loved, and NOT abandoned, that I “allowed,” ignored, and most likely enabled predators to find and use me up.
There’s a terrific article on this site that talks about “paramoralism” that tends to be the sickspeak of all spaths, and it is truly chilling how deeply this psychspeak can go. I think it’s an extremely valid topic to discuss and understand, and it applies SO much in our own experiences, from sex to finances to abuse of all kinds.
The “inner child” needs and wants – and, the spath recognizes those needs and wants for whatever reason and by whatever ability that they have. They use their paramoralistic language to convince their victims (spouse, sig/other, brother/sister, son/daughter, coworker, etc.) that they are NOT so frigging bad. WE, being the empathetic people that we are and wanting to be accepted and aproved-of, engage in the cog/diss so that we WON’T be abandoned or disliked or harmed. This is purely my own take on the whole thing, and not based upon any formal education or knowledge – it just makes sense to me.
Paramoralism. Cognitive Dissonance. Inner Child…..incredible ammunition when we consider it.
Louise….big hugs to you. There is real “love” out there, I promise. “Love” is a relative term that suggests a sentiment, and that sentiment is based upon our beliefs. What I think “love” truly is would be selfless give and take – BOTH ways – where sex is a safe byproduct of that give and take. For me, I don’t ever WANT to consider “love” in the romantic sense because my “inner child” is too needy and too broken. Will I feel the same way three years from now? I can’t say. But, taking this recovery and healing one day at a time (sometimes, one MINUTE at a time) is the only way that I can get through this and emerge on the other side.
They know exactly what they’re doing when they set up their targets, Louise – whether it’s ingrained, genetic, or learned, they are able to find that core in each victim and tweak it until we cave in. So, we are hurt and we learn (hopefully) and we grow in spirit. At least, I hope that’s where my feet are taking me on this healing path! And, I cling to that hope that I’m going to emerge – sometimes, it’s the only thing that helps me to face another day. HUGS
Louise,
the book, “Women who love psychopaths” has a chapter on psychopathic hypnotisation. They have a natural ability to hypnotize someone. I could be angry and knew things were wrong, believed the source who tipped me off, confront him and then he would just tell me in a soothing voice “Tranquilo. There’s nothing going on, no problems. I’m being good.” And that was it. In one second he cleared it all away. Afterwards I kinda felt tricked. I knew he hadn’t said anything really reassuring. But that voice and those words just instantly gave me a false peaceful trance feeling.
darwinsmom:
I need to read that book and especially that chapter regarding hypnotization. It must be a “natural” ability. I question why God would give someone those evil abilities?
Wow, yeah, yours really hypnotized you. They do have this ability. The OW told me that she never felt so much peace in her life than when she was with spath…the rest of the world went away she said. How sad is that??? 🙁
Truthspeak:
Thank you. Maybe I will find love someday, but at my age, I am skeptical.
I need to read more about paranormalism. Thank you.
I have to admit, I am getting a little freaked out…I mean, I just ran a couple of errands and I was thinking about how really godzilla only hit on me directly one time and I got all twisted up in a fantasy…hey, I’ve done it before, where you interpret things people say the way you want to hear it when if you weren’t interested in them, it would be just another statement…know what I mean? Attaching meaning because of the person, not the statement? He did admit to flirting w/me after I asked him and then asked me if he should stop. I said “no” dumba** that I am. Either I imagined much of this or he def used that mumbo-jumbo paramoralism (thx Truthspeak, I found it and it gave me chills) and hypnotic speak that you posted about darwinsmom. Godzilla was oh so soothing when he wanted to be…honestly, I just wanted to bask in his soft voice and calm aura. Exactly as you said it darwinsmom..exactly.
Re: the paramoralism, I think I said before he used to bring in all these religious themes and even at the end he basically yelled at me, “My sins towards you were those of omission, not comission,” and all thru our “friendship,” he wanted to discuss soul, how he and I were alike spiritually or whatever even tho we have different religious backgrounds, “explain Buddhism to me,” he’d say on email…what the hell? As if his rain man mind didn’t know everything and more about it than one would ever want to hear and why would he ask me anyway when you can Google…I think he was just getting rid of me for a minute so he could talk/email/have sex with someone. That was the day he asked me over to his place, no wife there and my husband was out of town. I didn’t end up going…I so wonder what would have happened…so wonder. I didn’t go because I’d been sick all week and looked awful – bone thin and pale….and well, I already talked about looks…..
Listen, Truth and others, I am reading all your posts, I just am so overwhelmed by all this information that is so meaningful to me and all the while I had no clue at all. None. Just sat by and watched myself be a fool.
Just know I appreciate all the info and will read and re-read many times. You all truly rock!
Louise, I once read a review of an American Idol episode the year David Cook won (don’t know if you watch it) and the reviewer said he looked like a baby with a full diaper…I still laugh at that because it SO fit. Godzilla used to look exactly like that when he was upset. Towards the end, we went to a conf rm somewhere and he walked thru the halls like King S*it or whatever, then when we hit the room and closed the door, he put his hands thru his (gorgeous) hair and looked exactly like a baby with a full diaper…really, if I hadn’t been so screwed up, I would have laughed…just minutes before, he had looked entirely different, like you said and I am still gaping, “his face would actually look a different shape at different times”how is that possible??”
SAME!! Different shape!! Sometimes it was ugly and looked like a red cream puff…other times, it was gorgeous and it looked plain old good-lookin’, other times like a werewolf, sometimes a baby with a full diaper. So weird.
“SIGH. That has always made me think they are not really human; they can’t be. I told OW that I thought he was the devil in human form sent here to earth to harm me”no joke.”
I have felt the same way many times….alien forms. NOT HUMAN. DEMONIC. Yes.
It is OK to cry…I’m not a crier either but I’ve had my moments…alone tho. It’s good you were comf enuf to cry with a friend. It helps to get that emotion out.
The phone number thing well, that’s another bizarre deal. Godzilla drove me nuts about that. I actually didn’t have a cell during the time I knew him…thank G-d a million times for more reasons that you can imagine. He either email’d me or we didn’t communicate. I am so glad we couldn’t text or call. OMG. Louise, if I had had a phone, I prob would have ended up having sex with him and I know I would have been so so regretful (married). I really, really am sorry, Louise, that he took you for such a ride.
Please don’t let him in again.
I know you have all that a man could want and I can only hope that you let someone nice, just a plain old nice guy into your life and try to open yourself to it. But like you said, you’ll see what lies ahead. I feel the same way about all the rest of you on this forum who are afraid to go back out there…or are disgusted. There is nothing that dictates you or anyone *must* have a man (gag me), but if you *want* one, there are are decent ones who will treat you right.
Truth was it you or someone else (sorry) who said that never again would I become friends or get anywhere near a ‘path.
Honey, truer words…..never spoken.
That English crap, yeah, I know how attractive that is. Who doesn’t? And the Beatles charm….
Truthspeak, you said, “For me, I don’t ever WANT to consider “love” in the romantic sense because my “inner child” is too needy and too broken”
Wow, yes. You, of course, will make the choice as to whether or not you will try love in the future. I screwed up. I am also broken and horribly needy, and unfort’ly, a jealous person. These are terrible character traits for a relationship. I just never got it. But see, TS, I chose people who were incapable of being close and intimate, some of them probably rode that fine socio line, who the hell knows? Therefore, it just made me needier, more jealous and miserable beyond belief. And even though they liked my looks and had fun with me, they were understandably miserable too…more than one told me that no man could give me what I wanted. Well, I’m not so sure about that, Truth. I think a grown up, secure, grounded guy who wanted to show he cared, who wanted to be close and intimate, who maybe was in touch with his feminine side, etc., who was crazy mad in love with a woman could well touch her inner child and together as a team, mend it.
Please believe me…I can tell you are a loving good sold human being….there’s goofy wonderful love out there for you if you want it. When you’re ready…
Big hug
StillReeling, thanks for the boost – LMAO! “goofy wonderful love” made me laugh! 😀 I don’t feel much like a loving, good human being. I feel more like I’ve got my foot caught in a bear trap and I’m ready to chew it off to get free.
The mad, passionate “love” that people talk about is hardly sustainable. When people first get physically involved, it’s all new and exciting – they’re in HEAT, not “love.” And, for someone like me that is needy and broken, FLATTERY and attention are two things that I cannot allow myself to fall victim to. It all seems like a whirlwind of “love,” but my personal experiences have taught me differently. And, the most recent exspath was a very, very patient predator and put that patience to his advantage. And, my views pertain to me, only. My age, my physical condition, and the emotional damages are so much of a challenge that I don’t even want to entertain the idea of “love.” For me, it’s not even a fantasy – I’m done.
The spiritual/religious references that many spaths use irritate me to no end. And, I’d love to see more discussion of the paramoralism that people have experienced. It’s truly chilling. The first thing that a conquering nation does to the vanquished is to remove or alter the beliefs and practices of the vanquished. So it goes with spaths – they take apart their victims’ systems of beliefs and replace it with their own version. More paramoralism. Chilling, to be sure. Big hug back atcha.
To Louise, Truthspeak and Still Reeling:
You all just need to keep on processing your thoughts on this site. It is good for you to talk out your thoughts. We all understand. You have friends here. You will heal, I promise you that. It will take time, forgiving yourself. It took me a long time. We ALL have sadly been taken advantage of by the ones we loved and thought loved us. Please just be kind to yourselves…. smell beautiful flowers, volunteer, always think positive thoughts. You are all alive. You will find love…. someone you deserves you and all of your gifts. I truly believe that we all learn from our experiences. I know there are kind, wonderful men out there who want and seek women like us.
I agree with you all. My ex needed a Mommy also. It is very reassuring to hear those comments from all of you too. It is validating. You don’t want or need someone like that. Imagine making love your son — SICK.
Louise: You are not that old. You still have a long and wonderful life ahead of you. You will find love when you are not looking and when you least expect it and perhaps where you least expect it. Be patient with yourself. I, too, said and swore I would never let anyone every hurt me again, physically, sexually, emotionally and certainly financially. I trusted with all of my heart my ex. My trust was shattered beyond repair. I thought because I was his wife, truly he would never treat me badly, lie to me, cheat and hide our finances. I was married for 17 very long years. Please hold onto hope….. pray. God never ever leaves us. He loves us so very much. We do not know why these things happen to us, but He has the master plan. I have to believe this, as it keeps me going.
Regarding your comments: I have contacted the police. They cannot do anything regarding my safety. I had a stranger come to my house — I did not answer. The telephone rang, my roommate picked up and the caller was looking for someone who does not live here. Strange — wonder if my ex is at it again.
The P I found me by calling my cell number. Strangely, I picked up, as I usually do not answer numbers I do not recognize, but looking for a job and was hopeful it was from a possible employer. Strangely asked for someone and I said you have the wrong number. Later that day, I thought about the telephone call and called the business the next am and found it was a P I’s office. I spoke with a lawyer and was told my ex is probably looking for me. Yes, I am careful as I can be. Not only is my ex a psychopath, he is dangerous.
It has been a very long journey for me. My family and friends and above all, God and my faith got me though my darkest days. My healing is a daily process. Crying is normal and good. We all hope to learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others so that we do not repeat them. Look forward not behind. Look at all of the great things you have and that we are all here for you. You are in my prayers for healing and comfort.
SurvivorAgain, thank you for your courage and truth. There are so many on this site (and, out there in the Real World) that are true healing inspirations to me.
Right now, I need courage and resolve – we all do, I think. It’s so much easier to just cave and call it quits, and I want NO part of that – the exspath wins if I cave.
So…….you have a restraining order and it’s a piece of paper. Protective and healing blessings to you, SurvivorAgain.