“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Spaths are the ultimate cowards.
Courage is not the same as refusing to feel fear. They live in denial. Deny consequences. Deny truth. Deny love and deny fear.
Courage is not the same as denial.
Courage means facing your fears.
The only fear my x-spath is becoming too old to attract “boys” for sex…
😆
mine has the same fear.
I’m serious. I heard through the grapevine that he lamented not being able to attract little girls now that he’s fat and old.
But I know that he never opens his mouth without lying, so the truth is he is lamenting not being able to attract little boys AND girls.
Mine is not fat and old yet, just has premature crows feet and frown lines, greying hair, not fat, slim but seriously untoned. He simply does not take care of himself and in the last 5 years has aged 10, but that could be HIV meds too…
Since his entire identity is wrapped up in being a “boy” I know it kills him but he choose the fast life and now it has caught up with him. I suppose there is justice in that.
Silvermoon and Truthspeak: Good Morning. Thank you so much for your comments. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts.
While, I understand that our police are overwhelmed with crimes such as murder etc. I was raped by my ex before I finally filed for divorce. I did not report this horrible violation, as I was concerned about the affects it would have on my children, if their father was deported or jailed. I spoke to our pastor about this incident, among others that he did to me. He admitted to our pastor that he did it to me, because he was “frustrated” with me. Within months, while on the stand in court, he said “it never happened” under oath I may add. Lied. Next, yet another story…. he told a psychologist that “he was trying to please me”. Three completely different stories…. The courts were well aware of the court-room testimony and the psychologists report, but not the pastors. You would like to think with two conflicting stories, they would question his credibility but not. He got away with everything.
Like you said, Truthspeak, he is not a good-looking guy that heads turn. One of his masks is restrained self-control, a calculated predator with a lot of patience. He cried on que, total emotional manipulation. My exspath seems so much like yours. Very patient……… planned and calculated. Not a sociopath, but a very very dangerous psychopath.
Last, but not least, my friends and family and even I am questioning whether he was poisoning my food just months before I filed for divorce. I was not well….. lost a lot of weight, could not sleep, my head fell into my dinner plate, yet our children nor him said a thing to me or was even concerned. I could hardly walk up the stairs. I could not think straight either. The “gaslighting” was going on for years. I caught him doing it to me and responded in an email to him. God gave me the wisdom to look back at some of the email from 5 years prior to my filing for divorce. I then could see everything that was going on. He was planning it….. patient, careful, calculated, deliberate. He wanted it all……… and me dead or in a mental facility. God saved me.
Our taxes…. well that’s questionable, hidden off-shore accounts….. questionable. I am finding out more and more everyday. Cashing checks drafted to both of us……. it happened and nothing was done by the bank. Getting into my bank accounts via on-line banking, which I never set up. How did that happen. I even have pages of documentation. Nothing happened even after reporting all of this to the governing authorities. I wonder if they do not want to do anything because, in part, they messed up too by allowing it to happen. Also, because my ex had been a long-time client of theirs.
As for my friends…. my ex is an electrical engineer. Strangely, my friend’s house, where I was staying for a short period of time, had an electrical fire which started on the outside of the house (electrical box), while we were in the house. The water damage, smoke and fire damage caused her and her family to have to live in a hotel for 6 weeks. A coincidence, or just an accident? My other friend, who had dairy service for 15 years, all of sudden the day after I got part of my asset settlement, had her milk poured out on her front porch…… strange… coincidence or accident?
Most of the people who were my friends in my town are really scared of him. They say he looks evil and creepy. Why didn’t I see that.
Please all of you if you have substantial assets, get a forensic accountant to review your marital assets. I asked for one, but my first attorney did not follow through for me. I was such a mess, I was just existing…. I could barely function. There is a website called TG Worldwide.com that wires money to off-shore accounts. I found this information 2 years after my divorce was final on his credit card statements for months. It is now being investigated by my attorneys. Please look at your ex’s credit cards. Run a credit check on them…. FreeCredit.com to determine if there are credit cards they are using that you don’t ever know about.
I have learned so much information and desperately want to share it with all of you so that you can benefit from my knowledge and so that you will be better off financially. So many of my friends helped me… not it is my turn.
Also, ladies, get a safety deposit box…. at a bank and in a town that is not near your house. Take your jewelry, stocks, bonds, deed to the house, will, insurance policies, birth certificate for and your children, passports, bank accounts, mortgage and loan papers valuables and put them all in there. You may want to even consider putting everything in someone elses name. I had some of my jewelry “removed” from my house.
Remove all things that can be easily sold or are valuable or sentimental…. sterling utencils, crystal, including pictures of your children. I have learned.
I am so glad to be able to help all of you. I don’t want any of you to have to experience even a little bit of what I had to go through. We are called to help each other in times of need. You have all been so kind to me also.
Blessings and Hugs
First let me say, I can only post early in the AM and on weekends, not at work though I do read at work so I might as well post, and too tired at night. So I apologize for my long posts.
SurvivorAgain, Silvermoon, darwinsmom, Truthspeak, and others who’ve truly shared life with these nightmarish, evil creatures, my head is truly “reeling” reading what you have been through. I’m flabergasted as the horror of your experiences, and, can’t repeat enough, how in awe I am of your inner strength. The financial drain, the deceptive, vile and insidious behavior that makes you question your sanity, the abuse itself, the pain in every single possible way over for some of you, many years. Trying to raise kids while suffering this horrific treatment, not just going home and trying to figure out what just happened to me today, but living it for years!!! I can well understand not believing in any type of flattery, not wanting a man in your life, something like attention or affection triggering only mistrust and pain.
I have read many times and a trusted therapist also told me that he experienced the slippery deception of a path. They are very capable of convincing therapists, priests, judges, anyone of their innocence. How scary is that? Survivor, to hear him lie and get away with it has to be the arsenic on the cake. And, his trying to poison you would not surprise me. I am blown away by your story. I wish I could just reach thru this pc and give you all a huge hug, one that says, “I have not experienced life-changing abuse in the same way but I DO know where you’re coming from and that you were not in any way responsible for it, yet have to suffer from it anyway.” I think this is the most frustrating part of it, not the hardest by any means. But the fact that you can’t have these wooden monsters thrown into jail is just beyond any rational belief. I just can’t even get into how dangerous and stupid it is to let them roam the streets, wreaking havoc on others’ lives as it is their air, their sustenance. They live on the pain of others. I’m unable to put into words how sorry I am and how awesome I think you all are. I have such respect for you.
It’s bizarre that I don’t remember any dreams for the past several years, only smidgens or themes here and there. But I’ve had 3 dreams (one of them last night) with Godzilla in them and I remember 2 of them clear as a bell. Why? It makes me wonder if the hypnotic effect they have on some of us occurred with me. I hope it goes away. I recall one of the dreams as if it truly happened. It was around Xmas time. He was standing outside the door to our office, in a long black coat with that fakey “office” smile I disdained, holding a bag that I somehow knew was intended for me…not a wrapped gift but a brown paper shopping bag with the standard paper handles. Nothing was wrapped and in his style, he didn’t hand it to me, I just found it at my feet. It was full of debris from the ground esp those dried brown round thistles, sticks, dirt, rocks? There was a long piece of what looked like petrified wood shaped a little like the butt of a gun (long scalene triangle) and very uneven and a little bumpy, a little twisted. Perhaps this was a phallic symbol?
I was confused about both the receipt of and contents of the gift. As I was going thru it, he said, “That was very presumptuous of you.” I took that to mean, it was presumptuous of me to think the gift was for me.
In looking at the dream now, I think I was seeing how he really felt about me, pretending that he cared but not caring at all. Then tying it all up with a bigger slap in the face to confuse, confound and hurt.
This guy is definitely a head-turner, which caused me a lot of anxiety because of my insecurity about looks and being older, I am just going to look older every day….nowadays, even in one’s 40’s, you can still look forward to looking even better. Exercising can keep you looking young, better nutrition, “procedures” (haha-I’d do it in a minute if I had the money…pathetic), etc. But I’m at the age where I still look OK but I know each day brings deeper wrinkles and more sags. I was SO afraid of that factor and he was very vain himself. Did NOT look his age at all…50. I was shocked. In fact, I thought he was 35. I could not believe it. I don’t know where he is not or what he’s doing but looking like he did, with the job he had and the state of his marriage (according to him-he actually did tell me had moved out of the house but only told me I think because he thought that would make me feel more hopeful about getting together and boy he really wanted me on his side) he could have any woman he wanted. I don’t see not being attracted to him…it did drive me nuts. But when he did give me his attn, he was so focused on me…well you know the deal. I *never* saw him even talking to anyone other woman.
The little boy thing…very prevalent with him…extremely immature at times…mind-blowingly so. Who, at 50, looks into your face when you are trying to go over an incident with them to find out why they had acted like a demented and total jerk, and says, “I DID NOT!!!!!!” Um what????? I did not yet realize he was a path, so I kept talking, “You remember, you clapped your hands to get my attention like I was a dog, I ignored you and you chased me down the hall, then got all scared about being with me and kept repeating, “I’m so uncomfortable, I could lose everything.” He did this of course, because the boom was finally being lowered on him and I had stopped basically interacting with him at work or over email because as I told him, he was acting like a “psychotic.” OMG, I was correct and didn’t know it. He was taking a huge chance to get to me before I left that Friday to tell me that he was moving out of the house and if I wanted to see him I should call him. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
He said, “This kind of conversation will cease now!” I also told him that day, well-knowing he was really desperate, that he had hurt me (I didn’t care anymore about his outcome..I just wanted to add on to his misery because I figured he was just a huge player and loser who deserved whatever he got). I wanted him to know that he had done me wrong and he could suck it. He had lied, stepped on my friendship, ignored me, cajoled me, taken me into his confidence and vice versa. Now he was going to hear it whether he liked it or not. I told him he was now in my heart (he didn’t realize I only took scumbags into my heart due to insecurity and g-d knows what-my husband is NOT a scumbag but he is so very P-A) and i asked “Am I in your heart?” He was all flustered and frustrated and said, “As a friend, I guess.” It was a horrible horrible scene.
As I left the room, I told him to listen to a song, listen to the words, I thought it would help him…..it was such a perfect description of what I thought we were both going thru. How could I offer such a gift to him??? How could I think anyone in his condition would care about a song?? That’s pretty nuts too. He often told me irritatedly, that he didn’t listen to or care about lyrics…he loved music but never listened to words. He’d send me these beautiful, loaded songs – but of course, I wasn’t able to allow myself a message because he didn’t care about lyrics…why send a song like that then??? What a complete bastard.
I’ve gone on too long……he haunts me still. Being there in the office is way difficult.
Thank you all so much for being here and sharing your lives. Once again, I am in awe of you. Huge warm hugs.
silvermoon, I have that song on mix CD that my daughter made for me. I love R.W., saw him in concert last summer. I can’t listen to that song at all…used to listen at work and it just reminds me of him walking by my office and looking at me…sometimes staring. G-d.
I do love this song because it’s beautiful…hard to listen to though but kind of wraps up how I felt about him at first…I was overcome and psychotic myself. I just felt like he stood alone and it was all OK to be in each others’ lives. For once, no judging, no guilt, just enjoyment and a moment of clarity. No, it doesn’t work that way, not with a path.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5Kh-IMKDqM
Gosh Louise….sorry, it’s a Lennon song..but so beautiful…from the first note to the last. Hope you all at least enjoy the song – it is so lovely.
Still Reeling,
interesting dream.
You thought the brown paper bag was a gift for you. You thought he had something valuable to give you. Then you saw that it was for you but he didn’t really bother giving it to you, rather he left it laying around for you to find. It wasn’t really a gift, it was more of a lure.
Then you find that the bag contained his essence: dried brown round thistles, sticks, dirt, rocks. The twisted petrified wood, is his heart.
Everything in the bag was worthless dirt. He said it was presumptuous of you because you expected something of value. That means you are not deserving of more than the sticks and stones.
Shame is generated by the incongruity of expecting a valuable gift and finding a worthless bag of sticks and stones. It is an insult to you. HE is an insult to you. His whole essence is an insult.
I think there used to be an LF poster who called her spath “the insult”. I get it now.
Pretty insightful – “the insult”. Yeah.
It’s so strange – when we’re close to the spath, we don’t even see all the ways they are insulting and disrespecting and sliming us.
The further away we get, the better clarity.
Athena