“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Louise {{{{HUGS}}}} Yeah….for a while, I thought that I was missing the “tender” moments with the exspath until I began to examine the relationship and realized that all of the “tenderness” was ME being tender with HIM. He NEVER took me into his arms to tell how much he valued me, as a human being. I know that I posted this somewhere else quite recently, but I used to ask him what he loved about me, and he would respond with “You make the best ______.” It was never my compassion or creativity that he loved – it was always something that satisfied HIM, solely. So, I finally got the gist that all of the tender, loving, sensuous, or soulmate moments were strictly and 100% upon my initiation.
Yepper – the lovemaking was very automatic in my situation, as well. VERY odd that you mentioned your exspath not making a sound – same here! No words, no noises, no NOTHING. And, this unnerving stare that went right through me – he NEVER closed his eyes, he just stared. I feel I may be sick, any moment. EW….now that I know what DID appeal to him, the idea of sex is enought to cause me a physical nausea that I really need to get over.
Oh, Louise, I wanted to just share about the triggers. There will be triggers for the rest of our lives. We just learn to manage them, that’s all.
I used to go many places with the exspath, and I don’t want to go to those places, now. But, why don’t I want to go there? Because of the memories? Well, the memories were designed and manufactured in my own head at the behest of the exspath. HE doesn’t factor into TODAY. And, I have GOT to get myself to the point where I can take myself to places that I enjoyed WITHOUT his being there.
Louise, you deserve to go wherever you wish, regardless of whether or not your exspath took you there, introduced you to the place, or whatever. Aren’t you a human being, too? Don’t you have the right to a life and self-worth? At some point, the triggers won’t be so sharp and painful, I think. We both need to get out there, go places that we like, and remind ourselves that the “fond memories” were 100% illusion, scam, fake, non-existent, designed, manufactured, and hoaxed. They don’t maintain “fond” memories or “good times” because they do not connect with human emotion.
Hugs and hugs to you.
Truthspeak:
Yeah, your spath sounded very selfish…sounded like it was all about what you could do for him.
Is that weird that yours also didn’t make a sound??!!! Wow!! Oh, and mine, too…the stare!!!! Barely ever closed his eyes if ever…just like yours! Too weird! I swear they are all clones.
I agree with you about the triggers. I think they will always be there, but they will get fainter and seem farther away as time goes on…I know they will.
I do go out and I do a lot of things, I just don’t go to where I know he used to go. He may not even go out anymore for all I know, but I am not going to take that chance. I have thought exactly what you told me…why am I staying away from a place I love because of him? We used to go to a Scottish bar in the city that I loved (it was very authentic) and of course with him being English, that is where he would go. Well, I don’t go there anymore…it’s been almost two years since I have been there and I hate that because I don’t go because of him even though I love that place (great food!).
The memories were an illusion even if he would reminisce with me like he HAD memories…UGGGHH. That must have all been an illusion also. He would ask me all these things…like remember when we went to this place or that place…all kinds of crap…too much to go into here. And of course that makes me question…did he care even an inkling? But he didn’t. I think when he was asking me those things, he had some type of ulterior motive. Everything will always be about him and how whatever it is will benefit him. Never about someone else. I have never seen someone as selfish as him.
I have to get ready for my counseling appointment now.
Thanks for the hugs!!! Hugs to you, too!
Louise,
I hope your counseling appointment goes well.
Maybe you could ask your therapist to help you think about how your upbringing has affected you and how it might connect to the spath.
This was the most shocking revelation to me when I left the spath. I could see how my parents had set me up to accept a psychopath into my life.
skylar:
I am just seeing your comment. I will coordinate that into therapy as I go along. I wasn’t going to go back as it’s so expensive and I’m not going to do EMDR. He kind of wanted me to try it again today, but I didn’t want to. He did pull a lot of things out of me today though so I am going back in two weeks. I really like him and I did think that he he wasn’t really helping me, but now I can see he is so I am going to give him a chance.
How did your parents set you up to accept a psycho into your life? Was it because it felt normal to you?
Louise,
My parents never allowed me to be selfish, but they allowed my siblings to be selfish. I was the one who was told that I could do without because I didn’t need anything and that my sacrifice was good because then others could have things.
I shouldered the responsibility of sacrifice.
So of course that makes me perfect spath supply. And I couldn’t see anything wrong with the spath’s selfishness because that’s how my parents raised me.
They were also very controlling, like yours. They didn’t let me do anything. I spent my youth reading books from the library because that’s what they approved of. It was free and it kept me quiet and out of their hair.
I was told every day what a burden we were and I internalized that. I’m a burden to others, so I try very hard not to be by shouldering THEIR burdens.
it’s so sick.
skylar:
Oh, that’s horrible. I can see how that made you perfect spath supply.
I guess I was perfect supply too because I felt like I had to be “good” because my brother was always in trouble and I didn’t want to cause my parents anymore trouble.
Yeah, I guess I never realized before how my mother’s control affected me. Hmmmmm.
Louise,
I hope your parents did not affect you like mine did me.
Controlling behavior is a sign of narcissism. How pathological they are after that is anyone’s guess. They hide it you know.
Louise, listen, is this your first go-round in life with a therapist? If so or if not, if you trust this guy, give it a shot. And if you can afford it. If you aren’t clicking after about 4 sessions, find someone else. You need at least the support of a good, caring therapist to exorcise Beatle-boy and go on with your life. I have a hunch that some of us hang on to these impossible dreams even though it hurts us. I know I do…he was a perfect distraction for me as he allowed me to focus on just him and forget all the other sh*t I can’t do anything about that plagues me most of the time. In that way, he was great for me. But the hit to your self-concept, esteem, and living life to the fullest is just not worth whatever gain these beasts could possible provide to you.
It’s interesting that you felt you had to be the good girl because your bro was a pita. I had the exact opposite situation. Mom was an obsessive, controlling perfectionist, with a persecution complex and dad a passive alcoholic. (I feel bad saying that because he was a decent sort and I loved them both). My brother was the perfect child, never gave them a moment’s trouble, was a serious, motivated student (became a dr and they were uber uber proud of him…first dr on either side of the fam). I, on the other hand, was never what mom dreamed of in a girl, plus there was never any push to become anything….just to be clean and neat…UGH. I grew up empty inside with no direction. Always liked wastrel guys, threw away any decent men, just like yourself. Dammit. My esteem was that low. Mom was very critical and I wanted her approval more than anything in the world….she had the same thing done to her by her dad…and the beat goes on…it’s been difficult raising a daughter. I adore her but never a moment goes by when I don’t compare my behavior to my mom’s and when I do things that comparable and negative, I just hate myself more than you can imagine. It’s so difficult to do the right thing when you’re afraid every moment you’ll screw up your kid. Anger-guilt, anger-guilt.
Godzilla also allowed me to just stop thinking about all that.
I’ve been in therapy all my life, and for the last several yrs, have seen a very nice social worker who helps me keep my perspective. I love her. Tried all kinds of specialists and just finished trying this CB therapist (175.00/hr!!) I couldn’t afford him and ins paid about 25 per visit about the initial $500. Forget it…couldn’t see him enuf to make any headway. So I’m back to my buddy Friday. She thought Godzilla was in love with me….see, he got over on her too!! Paths are notorious for that.
Anwyay, hang in there and get the help you deserve, Louise!!!
Skylar, your upbringing sucks. It never feels good to be slighted or made to feel like you don’t matter. There is nothing more meaningful to a kid than a good set of parents or a good single one, whatever the case.
I think anyone brought up to feel like a burden, unloved, “less than,” is bound to have some issues, but as you said, nature also plays a part here in that the way one “internalizes” these issues also plays a part. I think being attracted to paths is a result of both nature and nurture.
My heart goes out to you – the childhood yrs are so crucial to the way we feel about ourselves and the way we conduct our lives…being mistreated can set some of us up for “home cooking.” That’s how I feel anyway. Godzilla and all my other awful choices before him (always threw away the good guys) smelled like home cooking to me.
I was def affected by my parents even though I felt they cared, they saw me as a helpless child and that’s exactly how I feel today and exactly what Godzilla honed right into. No matter how I acted, he knew. He once told me that he had me figured out perfectly, but not vice versa. I told him he was wrong, I had him figured quite accurately. He told me I had no idea why he was attracted to me…I think he was right, at that point. I knew he was crazy, I just didn’t realize how sinister he was and how he was getting into my very marrow.
On a diff note, Louise, the sex sounds hideous that creep. I am sure Godz would have been exactly the same. You are so right, Truth! I told Godz once that I realized even though he tried to make himself the “thoughtful” one, I was doing all the work, all the supporting, all the kind words and compliments. I was once again, absorbing his likes and dislikes, and trying to become someone he would adore because he had so much in common. I want to be sick when I think of it, for myself, for you, for any of us who land ourselves in that position. I was CRAZED. That behavior is what we need to take note of and not get sucked into again. EVER.
Godz used to say he was “soooooooooo forgiving, it was ridiculous.” Well of course he was…he had no feeling or emotions…he couldn’t BE hurt. What a db.
When I told him he was acting in a psychotic way towards me and did hurt me quite badly, he would interrupt (NEVER would/could listen to anything I had to say unless it directly related to him) and say “I never phys
ically hurt you!! Only sins of ommision, not commission!”
I’m very very sure he had said that many x to other women…pretty standard for him, I’m sure. I think the omm vs comm was him stance for saying I couldn’t get him into trouble.
Lastly, have you noticed these creeps are unable to communciate at all? Godzilla used to say communication was the worst thing to ever hit marriage…what a d.a**. I disagreed of course..now, I see that he is and was totally unable to communicate. It is not within their capabilities to comprehend esp when it involves compassion, emotion, behavior..they do NOT get it. They can’t give, they can only take. What is communication Give and take!! Sure, they’ll bring you flowers or do the things that “look” like they care but they cannot care. No concept of it.
Paths scan your conversation like a resume scanner. They don’t hear you (stare) unless you say something that is of interest to them, something that puts them in control. Then they take the convo away from you…Godzilla did it all the time. He had a way of ever so softly (at first) interrupting me when I was talking to grab onto one of my thoughts and go off on his own story or if I brought up something like taking my car to the mechanic, he’d tell me to go to someone else. I told him I *liked* my mechanic and he’d just make a face or act like, “well it’s your loss dummy.”
We made these useless waste cases into someone we cherished. It’s unholy.
Stillreeling, “conversation” with an spath happens in two ways, I’ve noticed. Spath will be A: absorbing information accompanied with predatory stare, or B: talking OVER the other party to minimize their validity.
Mechanical, methodical, and deliberately malicious. Tzzzz….. Unholy, to be sure!