Lovefraud recently received a letter from a 17-year-old high school student–we’ll call him Brandon. He wrote that another boy at school was using manipulation to bully him.
When Brandon resisted, the bully asked what he had done wrong, and why Brandon was being so mean—I can almost hear the false concern and sincerity dripping from his voice. The bully told Brandon to apologize.
What happened next was classic sociopathic behavior. Here’s what Brandon wrote:
When I moved away from him, he came and found me and was aggressive and wouldn’t leave me alone. And kept getting other people involved by asking them to ask me why I wouldn’t talk to him.
He then punched me and blamed me for punching me saying, “you made me do it.”
When I went to teachers to tell them they said that they can only talk to him not discipline him.
However, after I spoke with teachers about the incident he came back and wanted to know why I’d complained and then swore at me.
He is very good with words and can make himself look like the victim all the time.
My school isn’t doing anything about it and whenever I see teachers they say that he doesn’t mean anything by it all and didn’t know he was doing anything wrong.
So I’ve seen a very sinister side to this kid, which the teachers haven’t seen themselves.
Because he punched me… should I go to the Police? Would that work?
I wasn’t sure how to advise Brandon. Generally, of course, we tell people to have no contact with the person who has targeted them. But how do you have no contact in high school? Brandon already moved away from the bully, and the bully continued to follow him.
So I discussed this case with a good friend, who is a high school supervisor. She advised that Brandon file a complaint with the school’s guidance counselors.
Because of the legal concept of in loco parentis, or “in the place of a parent,” schools are legally responsible to act in the best interests of students. School officials are representatives of the state, and have authority over incidents that happen at school, or during school functions. If the bully assaulted Brandon outside of school, his only option would be to go to the police.
This happens. My friend told me that there are several cases at her high school in which students have restraining orders against each other.
The importance of reporting the incident to the guidance counselor, or whatever the procedures are at this student’s high school, is to establish a paper trail. School officials can’t do anything without documentation of an individual’s transgressions.
I imagine that Brandon needs to be very strong to take these steps, especially when bully is conning the teachers with the pity ploy, and the clueless teachers term his behavior a “communications problem.” Brandon didn’t mention his parents—I hope they are supporting him.
But still, for practical purposes, what works in this situation? Will reporting the bully enrage him, and cause even more bullying? Or is it important for Brandon to take a stand, file a report with the cops, and let the bully know that at least one student is not taking his crap?
If you have any advice for this young man, please post it.
I’ve never hear of the restraining order at between high school students option. I think that’s a great idea.
It is very important that Brandon’s parents know what’s going on and take immediate action. Schools have “zero tolerance” policies, which are intended to PROTECT THE SCHOOL AGAINST LIABILITY AT THE EXPENSE OF BULLYING VICTIMS. God, I pray that message got through!!! Brandon’s parents need to go into the school TODAY and talk to the school principal. They must make both Brandon and the School officials know that the school officials may not meet with Brandon without his parents present and that BRANDON MAY NOT SIGN anything without his parents permission!!! Zero Tolerance policies effectively mean that if there is a physical altercation between Brandon and the bully, both boys will be held equally to blame. Brandon will find himself one step closer to being expelled from school. The bully won’t care, he loves drama. Brandon and his parents will be beside themselves. Don’t let it happen. Nip it in the bud. Go Here and Read:
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/zerotolerance.htm
It’s important for Brandon, his parents and the school to know that Brandon has options most people don’t even consider.
Brandon doesn’t have to go to that high school. It’s usually fairly easy to relocate to another school in district.
Brandon doesn’t have to go to public high school. He can attend a private school. If his family is extensively involved in church, any number of local Christian schools will give them financial aid packages.
Brandon doesn’t have to go to school. There are a great many home schooling options. Brandon doesn’t legally require supervision all day either. He’s too old for that. Depending on their state, Brandon could begin home schooling today. The school can bluster, but if they harass Brandon and his family, HSLDA will put them in their place.
Brandon may be ready to pass the GED test and start at the local community college. In many cases this can be accomplished in a matter of weeks.
Personally, I think more parents and students should opt out of public schools that fail to educate or fail to protect their students. There is a mindset in the Public Schools that the are entitled to their students. The Public Schools don’t understand that educating our children is a privilege they can and should lose if they don’t do their jobs effectively.
Here is a snippet of conversation from a martial arts blog I belong to.
The moderator posted:
What should be done? Here is an 18 year old girl who committed suicide. View the story and then chime in not on what she did but what should happen to the bullies, and should the school be held responsible?
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2009/03/09/pn.sexting.suicide.cnn
I responded:
It appears the victim was 18 at the time she committed suicide. How old were the bullies? How old was the “boyfriend”?
The boyfriend and the bullies so lacked empathy that they deliberately tortured their victim over time. Mental health professionals describe this characteristic as a symptom of Sociopathy. Usually there are cultural factors that contribute to this problem. If you ask me, 18 is awfully late to try to fix it. Empathy usually develops in early childhood, as a direct consequence of healthy emotional bonds. If an 18 year old is that messed up, turning the tide at that point is extremely difficult.
http://courses2.cit.cornell.edu/bionb1220/?p=1031
Sociopaths are undeterred by attempts to make them understand how their behavior has effected their victim or society. In other words, understanding human Psychology actually enables them to perpetuate crueler abuses. The only hope for the perpetrators is punishment for misbehavior and reward for good behavior. It’s a thin hope because Sociopaths find great reward inherent in their misbehavior, and behavioral science has proven that reward works more effectively than punishment. We can try to punish the perpetrators, but our culture currently doesn’t sanction punishments harsh enough to get their attention. The budding Sociopaths will either snap out of it by the age of 25, or remain human wrecking balls. The odds are 50/50, and no one’s figured out how to stack the deck toward a favorable outcome.
That leaves the school system, and I think they should get hammered hard. Current American Public School Policies tend to absolve the institution of responsibility for preventing emotional abuse of students. Considering the current scientific understanding of the lifelong effects of childhood bullying on the victim, this represents criminal neglect – at best! A case can be made for much worse.
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2007-05/ps-sct051507.php
I bet there are other bullying victims. There always are. I hope the school system faces a class action suit.
(As a parent interested in the healthy development of my children, I’ve read extensively on these topics. There is a huge body of research supporting the idea that bullying is a sign of serious developmental problems and being targeted by a bully profoundly harms children. For these reasons, I conclude institutions that shelter bullies are culpable. I’m pretty sure the civil courts will be agreeing with this assessment soon. The evidence is stacking up.)
Here’s another post I made on the same forum:
Why Zero Tolerance does not protect your child, and may place him/her at even greater risk:
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/zerotolerance.htm
A word about Columbine –
Long after the talking heads were done pontificating on the evening news and the incident was dramatized in a screenplay, the FBI finished shrinking the perpetrators heads. Here’s what they concluded: Harris was a Psychopath, Klebold was clinically depressed.
http://www.slate.com/id/2099203/
Nope, no bullies, no abuse, no neglect, just the loathing of a Psychopath for the rest of humanity and the impressionable nature of a severely depressed teen.
So zero tolerance does nothing to prevent a Columbine HS style shooting. Zero tolerance just puts another wall of legal protection between the school and responsibility for putting and end to bullying behavior.
Brandon,
Young men want to handle things themselves. I respect that. This is one of those times when you need to look to your parents and maybe their lawyer for help.
The school officials believe bully’s targets are themselves disordered. They believe that you are the type of person who doesn’t know how to ask for and receive help effectively. Yes, they believe this in spite of the fact that you have gone to them repeatedly for help. They believe this because it is part of the dogma that supports their legal defense plan to protect themselves from litigation against bullying victims. This legal defense plan is morally reprehensible. Ironically, this moral depravity only makes the officials more deeply invested in the pseudo-psychology that justifies it.
You must go directly to the people in your life who are on your side. That’s your family. Let them know just how serious this is. They will help.
You are not alone. Other students, their families and their lawyers have already coped effectively with the problem you’re experiencing. Your parents may not even have to hire a lawyer at this point. They may be able to solve the problem with a brief consultation with one of these other families, followed by a trip downtown to file that restraining order.
“…a high school supervisor … advised that Brandon file a complaint with the school’s guidance counselors.
This is fine, but doesn’t do a thing to protect Brandon.
Brandon’s been assaulted in front of witnesses. School officials took no action. The school is praying his parents and the law don’t get involved.
The school knows that the psychodrivel that supports the loopy notion that the bully can run wild because he’s “troubled” is indefensible outside of their highly insular, daffy little world. Who knows what color the sky is on their planet. It sure ain’t blue. They may be a bit confused about the color of the sky, but they’re smart enough to know that the earthlings existing outside of their alternate reality do know what color it is.
HSLDA’S page on state home schooling regulations. Don’t make a move toward home schooling without consulting them:
http://www.hslda.org/laws/default.asp
My kids have been doing Language Arts for the past 10 minutes. We’ll start Social Studies in an hour, Math in 2. This afternoon will be Science. At 3 we’ll go to the community center for athletics with other homeschoolers.
We’re not home schooling because we have nothing better to do. We’re home schooling because our local public schools did not educate either child in the 4.5 years we entrusted them to their care.
It’s an option.
I have seen reports in the local small-town paper police logs of “calls for service” at a local high school for “assaults”…call the police and report it! File a complaint.
Our local schools have “no touching” and PDA (Public Display of Affection) rules in their “handbook” and refuse to enforce them. Gavin De Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” has an excellent section on school safety and security and their neglect in these matters.
Homeschooling. Not for everyone, but for those who can and will…for the right reasons…best option. Schools fear the long US tradition, 100 years plus in the courts, reaffirming “The fundamental right of parents to direct the education of their children”.
Elizabeth Conley…HSLDA…good people, good org…used to have them on speed-dial on every phone in the house. Their US Constitution course was the best I’ve seen. A decade or so ago, or more, I had the pleasure of meeting Chris Klicka, Mike Farris, and Scott Somerville of HSLDA…salt of the earth!
Donna & Elizabeth Conley…just because the schools think they have the power, and have made inroads, I do not accept the fact that either I or my children give up our “God given” rights under the US Constitution when we step on government school or other government property.
A Southern Indiana Federal District Court judge by the name of Tinder (I believe now a Court of Appeals Judge in the Chicago district), a decade ago, ruled a “diminished expectation to privacy rights” for public school children, opening the door for random drug testing and police drug dog searches.
To my knowledge, no authority exists in the school system to give them immunity for excusing criminal behavior…any crime in a school should be reported to legal authorities for investigation and prosecution…by the student and parents, if the school won’t. Unfortunately, in my locale, the judges, especially the juvenile judges, think of themselves as “social workers”.
Assault is a crime, battery is a crime. The school is an “enabler” if they excuse it.
Jim,
“Assault is a crime, battery is a crime. The school is an “enabler” if they excuse it.”
That’s how I see it. I went to an after hours “bullying problem” seminar at our local elementary school. This was before I gave up on them. There was a woman from downtown there to give the seminar, and two school counselors snoozing on the back row. Attending were 3 parents and 7 students. All of the kids were bullying victims or children who were upset about what the victims were suffering. To our incredulity, the woman from downtown explained to us that our children were targets because they did not know how to ask for help, and did not trust authority figures. We were blown away by this, because our children had all been begging for help day in and day out, week after week. They begged teachers, they begged librarians, they begged janitors. They came home crying at least 3 days a week, telling us about their problems.
So where did this loopy notion than only secretive kids get victimized come from? Why did the school district adhere to this mantra in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. How could we, mere parents and therefor total “know nothings” change their minds? It seemed we couldn’t. Besides, no one with the authority to change things was present.
The more research I did, the more appalled I became. The schools are definitely enablers here. In fact, they foster the subculture that bullies thrive in.
For this reason, and many others, we opted out. I was spending all day, every day volunteering in the school anyway. Still, the quality of my children’s education was very poor and their environment was miserable. Most of the education was occurring at home in the family room during my most stressful time of the day. I had to clean house, make dinner, get everyone ready for sports/music/church and teach the days lessons so they could do their homework. The stress was enormous.
Elizabeth Conley…you’re spot on, it hasn’t changed, and won’t, if things continue as they have. High school consolidation…let’s see….Robert Hare et al…apply the numbers, and the fact sociopathy/pschopathy “emerges” at adolescence. High School with 1,000 students…1% to 3% of the population is psychopathic, or 10% (min) disordered in some way?
Think they know how to deal with it? Oh, and that idea about having courses to help students identify and avoid them? Sure, then the non-disordered students will be able to recognize, avoid, and deal with the P’s. Gee, whose “self-esteem” will be damaged?
How about PCL-R’s for administrators, teachers, and staff…the “education associations” (insert “unions”) wouldn’t stand for it….they have 4th Amendment rights!
How schools handle sexual predators….just google “schools+pass+the+trash”. Welcome to the world as it is!
And don’t you just love the assignments sent home on prepared sheets….homework for the parent and child….to be completed, signed and returned…what are they doing there all day? Homeschooling…much more efficient and effective, and the other half of the day you can do cool stuff and get to know your children, and they know you. Not to mention “religious education” is permitted.
As Oxy says, I’ll get off my soapbox now….LOL
Brandon will have “won” over the bully if he feels stronger and more confident about his ability to defend himself (psychologically and physically) when it’s all over.
What do I suggest he do? Keep it simple. Like others here have said, inform the school, his parents, leave a paper trail, keep a list of kids who have witnessed what has happened, and then MOST IMPORTANTLY Brandon should figure out how to treat the bully the way he does NOT want to be treated. Brandon needs to shift who is in control of their interactions from the bully to himself.
Possibilities:
-ignore him (don’t ‘avoid’ him per se, it will make him feel like he’s controlling your behavior – something he wants)
-minimize interaction, but be “polite”, like you would be to a mentally challenged stranger (resist the temptation to over do it, you don’t want to escalate things, just diffuse them.)
-ACT LIKE HE DOESN’T MATTER in all your interactions
-PRETEND not to be afraid or intimated if you are . Put on a brave show. It’s not lying, it’s called having boundaries. You don’t have to let him know how you feel.
-have witnesses report his bad behavior to the school administrators, if possible, not you. It keeps the school in the loop, but makes the bully realize that he didn’t get to YOU.
-if the bully gets physical again, defend yourself, physically. Don’t over do it, don’t use a weapon, don’t threaten to kill him or to put a bomb in his locker… but please, show him he can’t violate you like that. If you get a few days suspension or a bloody nose or worse, so be it, it will be worth it. Your self-image, self confidence and knowledge that you can handle life’s bullies is more important than that.
This sort of thing happened in my kids’ school. (Though there wasn’t any physical violence, “only” intimidation.) The school recognized that there was a problem, but handled it very badly. So much so that the target kid got fed up, threatened to bring a weapon to school and kill the bullies, and was expelled. The bullies are still there.
The targeted kid got so frustrated that when he finally acted defensively, he went over board. He should have been expelled. The adults in his life (and school officials) should have been punished too though, because they didn’t diffuse the situation. They ignored it as much as possible, hoping the kids would just learn to “play nice” all on their own. They should re-read “Lord of the Flies”.
hope this helps,
Cedrus