Lovefraud recently received a letter from a 17-year-old high school student–we’ll call him Brandon. He wrote that another boy at school was using manipulation to bully him.
When Brandon resisted, the bully asked what he had done wrong, and why Brandon was being so mean—I can almost hear the false concern and sincerity dripping from his voice. The bully told Brandon to apologize.
What happened next was classic sociopathic behavior. Here’s what Brandon wrote:
When I moved away from him, he came and found me and was aggressive and wouldn’t leave me alone. And kept getting other people involved by asking them to ask me why I wouldn’t talk to him.
He then punched me and blamed me for punching me saying, “you made me do it.”
When I went to teachers to tell them they said that they can only talk to him not discipline him.
However, after I spoke with teachers about the incident he came back and wanted to know why I’d complained and then swore at me.
He is very good with words and can make himself look like the victim all the time.
My school isn’t doing anything about it and whenever I see teachers they say that he doesn’t mean anything by it all and didn’t know he was doing anything wrong.
So I’ve seen a very sinister side to this kid, which the teachers haven’t seen themselves.
Because he punched me… should I go to the Police? Would that work?
I wasn’t sure how to advise Brandon. Generally, of course, we tell people to have no contact with the person who has targeted them. But how do you have no contact in high school? Brandon already moved away from the bully, and the bully continued to follow him.
So I discussed this case with a good friend, who is a high school supervisor. She advised that Brandon file a complaint with the school’s guidance counselors.
Because of the legal concept of in loco parentis, or “in the place of a parent,” schools are legally responsible to act in the best interests of students. School officials are representatives of the state, and have authority over incidents that happen at school, or during school functions. If the bully assaulted Brandon outside of school, his only option would be to go to the police.
This happens. My friend told me that there are several cases at her high school in which students have restraining orders against each other.
The importance of reporting the incident to the guidance counselor, or whatever the procedures are at this student’s high school, is to establish a paper trail. School officials can’t do anything without documentation of an individual’s transgressions.
I imagine that Brandon needs to be very strong to take these steps, especially when bully is conning the teachers with the pity ploy, and the clueless teachers term his behavior a “communications problem.” Brandon didn’t mention his parents—I hope they are supporting him.
But still, for practical purposes, what works in this situation? Will reporting the bully enrage him, and cause even more bullying? Or is it important for Brandon to take a stand, file a report with the cops, and let the bully know that at least one student is not taking his crap?
If you have any advice for this young man, please post it.
Well, back on the soapbox…Cedrus….”Intimidation” is defined and listed as a criminal offense in the legal code of the State of Indiana.
And, I’m not disagreeing about the advice on self-defense, but the non-disordered defender in our district will end up in “Alternative School” with a higher percentage of P’s…or expelled…they’ll “understand, work with, and protect” the bullies….they already have “investment” in them.
“And don’t you just love the assignments sent home on prepared sheets”.homework for the parent and child”.to be completed, signed and returned”what are they doing there all day? ”
They had the kids for 6 hours a day. Not just any 6 hours, but the prime hours of the day. Still, at the end of each week 75% of the written material that came back to me was stuff I did with the kids as homework. It was the more challenging material too. At school they did the no-brainer stuff, and not much of it.
Then there were the extras. These loons really thought they they NEEDED to talk to my elementary age children about sex and murderous rampages, among other things. Their taste in children’s literature alternated between vacuous and damaging. The staff’s behavior was often so appalling that they modeled things I’d have punished either child for. Time after time I’d have to discuss things I hadn’t intended to discuss until the kids were much older. These lunatics had bewildered the kids with knowledge neither child wanted nor needed.
All this tiresome drama took precedence over the basic responsibility to teach Composition and Arithmetic, two subjects we never skip here at home.
It’s between the bullies and the lousy education; I don’t know which I resented most.
Jim stated: “understand, work with, and protect” the bullies”.they already have “investment” in them.”
Yepindoodles. Brandon’s bully already knows all the lingo to make all the enablers pat him on the head, call him a “good little dysfuntional” and baby him through to his final diagnosis. By the time he gets there he’ll be able to talk rings of psycho-drivel around the prison psychologists.
Brandon and his parents are normals. They don’t know the lingo, and would have to become pretty sick to acquire it. Best not to go there.
Brandon,
Consider getting your parents involved, if they arent already. Bringing the bullies parents into it a huge plus! Require meetings and demand something be done. You must continually advocate for yourself ..all your life! 🙂
If you have friends that are witnessing his “bullying” – talk to your friends ahead of time and ask them to nonchalantly use their cell phone to video his behavior..also pickup a little pocket recording device and hit play… cant hurt to be able to show the “teachers/admin” the other side of this guy they dont get to see firsthand.
I recently suggested to a friends college kid to actually find a quieter time, a downtime (if its possible with these people) to try to wipe the slate clean. He did it a lunch. He said, listen we are going to be here for a long time and it seems to me we should be able to find common ground. Because whats happening here is getting us nowhere. If Ive offended you in anyway, I certainly didnt mean to. Lets just be done with it and respect eachothers space.
It worked for him.. But there wasnt any physicalness to their prior interactions just alot of verbal abusive bullying. At first my suggestion was of no interest to him because he felt he did nothing wrong and would look like as he said “a wuss” – I said sometimes you have to deal with these people one step above on the ladder, looking down and realizing their limitations and inability to ever be a mature responsible man. Sometimes you have to “manipulate” them to your advantage in a healthy and unassuming way to find the balance you seek. Put your pride aside and suggest a means to an end in a tactful way. AGAIN, this worked with a nonviolent bully. Because of the way it was approached and the “sincerity” of the request, he received it as he was receiving some sort of apology, or WIN, and he accepted the “truece” –
Otherwise limit your contact and interaction with him as much as you can. And limit any reaction to his actions. In fact almost as if you’re bored. No comments or facial expressions — simply no reaction at all.
Good luck!
Well, I’ve used up my “post allowance” for the day…life awaits. Has Oxy finished her breakfast and coffee yet?
Later….heal on! LF is good.
Brandon,
Learned the Lesson gave good advice. In particular:
“..also pickup a little pocket recording device and hit play” cant hurt to be able to show the “teachers/admin” the other side of this guy they don’t get to see firsthand.” These devices get tinier and cheaper every day. Here’s the hard part though. This works best if NOBODY knows you have it. Yes, this means your bros. If you can’t play it this way, don’t bother! If you talk and they talk, then this strategy just serves to ramp up the drama.
She also told you to act bored and be boring. This is very helpful. Conduct Disordered kids crave constant stimulus and love excitement. If you’re boring, he’ll lose interest…HOPEFULLY!
Have a good day Jim.
The kids are cranking through their last few assignments before lunch. I’ve got a pile of laundry to get through too. This afternoon is going to require all my attention. Science is fun, but it requires focus.
Peace Out!
WOW! What a wake up thread!
Great Advice Elizabeth! I can tell that you are passionate about all this and I can’t blame you at all.
My ADHD son C was always the butt of the bullies at school, and this is one reason I took him out of school and home schooled him for a while (back when it was ILLEGAL to do so) I finally found an appropriate chuch school I could put him in but after a while realized it was affiliated with a semi-peronality cult group and removed him) had another woman who home schooled her kids take mine as well, I was in college myself and unable to do an adequate job.) Later, after my graduation and our move, I found a GOOD church school again and kept him there. Upon moving to Texas, I couldn’t afford the private schools, and the distance away from me was not a do-able thing, so I put him back in public school for 1 year, but it was amiserable failure so I let him “drop out” and take his GED. Texas would not let him take his GED til he was 18 since he had “dropped out” and he was only 16 so he worked for two years, took his GED an made one of the highest scores ever made there and started college. He did well in college and graduated with an AD and a high grade average, he also has nearly enough credits for a BS as well. He is a machinist and tool and die maker, and loves his work so he probably will never go back and finish his BS but he’s happy, so what the heck!
Brandon is getting an opportunity to learn about psychopaths first had at a young age. I think though it is painful, it is a wonderful opportunity for him to learn how to handle this type of person and for him to realize that he will not be the last psychoplath that he encounters in life. Learning to deal with this high school bully will be the start of him learning to deal with the other psychopaths that he meets in life.
Elizabeth’s advice is good and depending on how upset Brandon is about the bullying (I suspect the emotional and social impact of this kind of thing is worse than the physical punching).
The fact that the psychopath is accusing Brandoon of “ditching” him (this must be a capitol offense in high school LOL) the bully is obviously trying to make Brandon into a social “bad guy.”
I agree Brandon’s parents should get involved in this and that he should file a complaint with the school district about the teacher’s apparent unwillingness to “get involved.”
However, taking into consideration that there are CONTUINUAL “tempest in a tea pot” that the social scene of a HS generates I imagine they think this will be one of those. Obviously it is not.
I agree also with the TAPE RECORDER in his pocket. I think this would give Brandon the proof he needs to show that Bully is lying and being “goody” in front of others while being sadistic when there are no witnesses.
I imagine that Brandon will take a social hit no matter what he does in this case, be labeled a snitch if he reports and a coward if he doesn’t. I think at this time, though, Brandon needs to feel EMPOWERED and VALIDATED. Unfortunately the teachers are apparently hoping this will just “go away.”
I suffered through these “to do or not to do” questions with my own ADHD son so I definitely feel for Brandon. All kids are somewhat social insecure in HS and this only makes it worse to encounter someone like Bully.
I do think that Brandon’s parents should get involved, but there was nothing in the letter to indicate he had parents willing to get involved. Otherwise, why would he turn here?
Brandon approaching the school counselor might be a good option depending on the counselor. It’s tough being a teenager in a HS at best, and in a HS where you are exposed to bullying it is even worse.
Brandon if you are reading this, ((((Big Hugs)))) you are not alone in dealing with a psychopath, but this may turn out to be the best lesson of your life and will protect you for the rest ofyour life from the people just like Bully that you will meet out in the “real world” (HS is not like the outside world all that much). You can get through this!!!!
Brandon,
You may have been hurt, but you also have an opportunity. Your tormentor thankfully sounds like only a garden-variety bully, and bullies are opportunists. They go for the easy target. You have many options to handle this that can help your self-esteem, your social skills, and your popularity.
First you need to arm yourself with information. You’re 17 and soon to be an adult, and I assume so is he. Handle this like an adult. The law is in your favor, and when he violently struck you, that’s an act of assault. You’re not going to tolerate that again. Has he bullied anyone else? Do you know them? If not, get to. You all need to get together and form a consensus that bullying must end at your school right now. You’ll all promise to report any bullying you see and not let up. There is strength in numbers.
Next you will need to confront the bully. You can’t appear to actively seek confrontation or appear to be ganging up on him as he could use these perceptions against you. Try to time your passing through the hallway so that you are likely to run into him. Bring a friend or two along who has sworn to stand by what you say. If you can, plan it for an area where they might be a few people who you know have solid characters and are more likely to spontaneously defend your stand. What you want is to create the strong impression that his peers do not condone and will refuse to tolerate his bullying.
When he’s around, let him come to you. At the first sign of bullying or other inappropriate behavior, you have your opening to confront him. Tell him what he did last time was wrong and that he won’t be doing anything like that again. Look him in the eye as you say it and show no sign of fear. Tell him he’s nearly an adult and that, in the world of adults, there is no excusing that behavior. Next tell him where he stands: Any punch, any kick, any spit will be considered a criminal act of assault that you will report to the police. If he hits you anyway, call 911. Then and there. Ask bystanders to wait since they are witnesses. If the police want to push this off to the school for them to take disciplinary action, tell them that the school has been unable to protect you and others from the bullying and make sure they take your statements and file a police report.
Hopefully you won’t have to escalate it to the point of calling the police. Public opinion may shame him into good behavior at least then and there. When you’re speaking to the bully you will also want to address those around you. “Our high school deserves better than this” or “We should be able to walk through the hallways without fear of attack.” Sentiments everyone will agree with. Invoke a little school spirit if some athletes or cheerleaders are around. Link your cause to theirs. Also If he does relent, stay true to your word and call the police. You really don’t have to put up with bullying.
If there are LGBT high school students who are experiencing this, LAMDA Legal has a chapter in every state and have sued several school districts for failing to protect LGBT students from harrassment/bullying. They have won these cases.
Also, it’s worth contacting the ACLU in your state — if they can’t help you, they are very good about referring you to organizations that can.