Lovefraud recently received a letter from a 17-year-old high school student–we’ll call him Brandon. He wrote that another boy at school was using manipulation to bully him.
When Brandon resisted, the bully asked what he had done wrong, and why Brandon was being so mean—I can almost hear the false concern and sincerity dripping from his voice. The bully told Brandon to apologize.
What happened next was classic sociopathic behavior. Here’s what Brandon wrote:
When I moved away from him, he came and found me and was aggressive and wouldn’t leave me alone. And kept getting other people involved by asking them to ask me why I wouldn’t talk to him.
He then punched me and blamed me for punching me saying, “you made me do it.”
When I went to teachers to tell them they said that they can only talk to him not discipline him.
However, after I spoke with teachers about the incident he came back and wanted to know why I’d complained and then swore at me.
He is very good with words and can make himself look like the victim all the time.
My school isn’t doing anything about it and whenever I see teachers they say that he doesn’t mean anything by it all and didn’t know he was doing anything wrong.
So I’ve seen a very sinister side to this kid, which the teachers haven’t seen themselves.
Because he punched me… should I go to the Police? Would that work?
I wasn’t sure how to advise Brandon. Generally, of course, we tell people to have no contact with the person who has targeted them. But how do you have no contact in high school? Brandon already moved away from the bully, and the bully continued to follow him.
So I discussed this case with a good friend, who is a high school supervisor. She advised that Brandon file a complaint with the school’s guidance counselors.
Because of the legal concept of in loco parentis, or “in the place of a parent,” schools are legally responsible to act in the best interests of students. School officials are representatives of the state, and have authority over incidents that happen at school, or during school functions. If the bully assaulted Brandon outside of school, his only option would be to go to the police.
This happens. My friend told me that there are several cases at her high school in which students have restraining orders against each other.
The importance of reporting the incident to the guidance counselor, or whatever the procedures are at this student’s high school, is to establish a paper trail. School officials can’t do anything without documentation of an individual’s transgressions.
I imagine that Brandon needs to be very strong to take these steps, especially when bully is conning the teachers with the pity ploy, and the clueless teachers term his behavior a “communications problem.” Brandon didn’t mention his parents—I hope they are supporting him.
But still, for practical purposes, what works in this situation? Will reporting the bully enrage him, and cause even more bullying? Or is it important for Brandon to take a stand, file a report with the cops, and let the bully know that at least one student is not taking his crap?
If you have any advice for this young man, please post it.
Brandon,
Well done for reporting it to the school. If you get nowhere with the school, I would go to the police. It sounds like school personnel want to wash their hands of him. They know he is a discipline problem and will probably graduate him even if he doesn’t know how to read just to get rid of him.
He sounds like a budding sociopath and not only your problem but societies problem. The police are best able to deal with this since they are there to protect and serve and enforce the law. He hit you which is assault and battery and against the law.
You sound like a compassionate kid and probably realize that there is more to this than meets the eye. He could be from an abusive family, it is good to see that he gets some help or at least be held accountable for his actions.
Say,” I am not going to be a victim of abuse”. Stand up for your rights. He violated your physical boundary and your psychological boundary by hitting you and trying to turn the tables on you, twist the truth, don’t let him get away with it. If he does get away with it, it will probably get worse.
You are in school to learn, think of your future, don’t be tempted to punch back. The kids got problems, keep your healthy boundaries in place. Don’t let him penetrate your coat of armor, protect yourself against his lies with the truth. Hold your head high. You made a smart move by seeking help.
Try not to be alone with him, go to an adult, witnesses are to your advantage and document each incident on a calendar. Write down word for word what is said, and clarify with him what his meaning is, like, say to him, “are you saying, I did something wrong? How did I offend you? Be proactive not reactive and come across with real concern and sincerity. Don’t stoop to his level or let him get the best of you.
He will get other kids involved to do his bidding. Point out to them, he is using them like a puppet and ask, don’t they have better things to do with their time, add a little humor. High school can be and should be a great time of fun, learning and growth.
This poor kid is playing out the aggression he probably learned at home. Maybe you can invite him to participate in more positive play like a game of football or basketball.
You may just want to tell him, point blank, that he is physically and verbally aggressive and a lier and see how he handles the truth. The truth can be like pouring Holy water on the devil. They run away and leave you alone.
Every school should have a “code of conduct” and “bullying rules” I suggest you get the handbook and read it. I hope any of this is helpful, Good Luck.
In “Napoleon Dynamite”, Pedro gave his protection. Well, with his cousins anyways.
It looks like these guys have got it covered. But I’ll add a bit more – stuff I really wish I had learned much earlier in life… how much in my own best interest it was, to learn everything I could about being my best physical self.
From grades 7 thru 10 I was tiny ”“ always the smallest kid in the class. You’d think I would have been a prime target. But aside from being placed on top of lockers a couple times, for some reason I never was a designated target. I got it from time to time, but also I had mischievous friends who’d get the bad guys back (without getting caught ”“ very important that one!!).
I did top out at 5’8”, not terribly short, with an average bone structure but good physical speed. But I was always telling myself that I was too short, too small boned, too pretty, to stand up for myself in a fight. Most if not all of my post-childhood bullying experiences might have been nipped in the bud if I’d been more confident in my physical self.
I finally went online and learned everything I could. A few examples:
You can build a string-speed bag contraption which uses a small speed bag attached to a string (I use a variety – 6 to 12 inches), under a 4′ x 4′ platform to teach yourself how to slip punches. After practice with mine I can jab quick as a blink, and bob out of the bags way, every time. I used to be terrified of being punched, but now I see a punch as one less arm an attacker will have at his disposal.
At 5’3” tall, Mike Bridges is one of the strongest men in the world. If he can bench 550, I should be able to do 350, which places me in the top percent or so of all men. Kara Bohigian looks like a little girl, but is stronger than most men. If she can bench 400…
In the early days of MMA, Royce Gracie was defeating people 40% + bigger and stronger than himself with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. For every opponents power move he had a counter move which rendered that power almost useless.
Some of the nicest and most humble people I’ve met are strong or into martial arts. I don’t see any evidence where it turned, as an adult, a nice guy into a bully.
The internet is an amazing resource. And of course, ratf%$#ing can be gratifying when you get away with it, but I don’t think they want me to get into that around here.
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Student Of Sociopathy
My last SS used a crew of ’useful tools’ to do her dirty work, including trying to covertly bully me out of my job. The reason why she came after me: I refused to become one of those useful tools to do her dirty work. A rundown of her crew of henchmen:
1. A serious BPD case who always seemed to need one target on his list. I’d known him before. He turned from friend to enemy on a dime, after he was persuaded (with lies) that I was “a rat” or informant to the boss (I was not).
2. A deadbeat dad alcoholic divorcee who’d brag about his fighting prowess but was too cowardly to challenge me directly.
3. A paranoid serial bully, with possible unresolved latency issues, who spent most of his time ’working the office carpet’.
4. An lazy worthless POS who was wider than tall, who couldn’t stop bragging about what a great shot he was. He also had two pit bulls, a large truck which he didn’t need, and many large guns. Despite all the macho compensation, he repulsed women anyways.
In terms of work production, I could outperform any three of them at any given time.
There’s a pattern to this. A bully’s henchmen are usually worthless insecure cowardly scumbags themselves. When layoffs came, all but #2 was abandoned (disposed of) by the SS before she herself wound up quitting.
I talk more about that situation in my Tuesday, 10 March 2009 @....... 2:48pm comment (the #4 situation) under “Psychopathy, empathy and moral agency: Lessons from autism.”
The lesson I learned, in that case, was that I had the tools to fight back, but I learned too late how important it had been to use them. Sometimes ignoring a situation works best, other times you have to get in there and fight. In my own situation I had all the tools I needed to win but didn’t use them because of the way I’d been brought up.
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Student Of Sociopathy
S O S – My husband is 5’8″ and weighs 145 lbs, he was always the “small” kid in his classes, and he changed schools a lot so he was also frequently the new kid. However, he was in martial arts since he was 4. His way of avoiding being a victim of bullies would get a kid kicked out of school today. The first bully that tried to start a fight with him would get a beating that ensured no one else ever picked a fight with him, he never started fights, but he made sure he finished them.
As an adult he’s worked as a bouncer at bars, but he rarely dealt with any problems physically. It was his self-confidence, and effective communication skills that he used to diffuse hostile situations. He knew he could take care of himself physically if he needed to, but he preferred to prevent a fight rather than break-up a fight. Martial arts taught him self-discipline, how to think with a clear head, and that size is irrelevant. His style focuses on speed, leverage, and pressure points.
While fighting back in school these days will get you in as much trouble as the person who attacks you, it’s never a bad idea to learn how to defend yourself in case you’re attacked on the street. And dodging is a skill we could all use.
This is really sad but I have to tell it:
For years and years my twins were bullied and picked on in several schools as I kept changing schools the bullies followed! I changed only after I tried everything to get the “school” to “do something” but, unfortunetly, the admisnistration had already had their thinking poisened by my children’s malignant father. One school threatened to put a restraining order on me because I suggested they get a public health nurse to come for the lice problem. Well, charter schools have no desire for “outsiders” to be poking around.
Finally I home schooled them until they were 14 1/2 and they felt like the could try out the last school available in this area. I did not want to put them in because they had good habits, short hair and were sweet and respectful. However, my ex was using the court and threats so I had to.
Sure enough-there were all new bullies that they had never met. Being the opposites that they are, they handled it two different ways.
The quiet soft-hearted twin just takes the beatings and harassment and grew his hair long over his eyes and developed a “don’t care about anything” attitude. He gets into trouble often and hates school. He has changed, and it is heartbreaking.
The other started a rumor about himself from day one: He told everyone that he was psychotic and had a chain saw and his missing pinky is a result of going after someone with it.
NOBODY and I mean NO BODY messes with him EVER. He instantly became popular within his own circle and the friends that he has knows that he is an awesome kid.
Isn’t that terrible?
Well, whatever works, I guess. Since administration in the schools are the disaster that the are!
Dear Ewe,
I am sorry that your kids have had to endure that, and that you have h ad to watch them endure it as well. I’m sorry your soft hearted son hates school,, too. Maybe at this point you could home schooll them again or let him take the GED. I hate to see kids that miserable in school. Pox on their father, may the fleas of 1000 camels inhabit his arm pits, and the crabs of 100 ho’s his crotch!
Can you guys tell I’m in a spunky mood today?LOL
Dear Fleeced Ewe: When transferred H.S. (the 70s … LOL) … I was to be in one fight after another. I didn’t know these girls … but, apparently they wanted to beat me up. I think I figured out the logic (since I’m tall) that they would go after the “big” one and the rest will fall. Who really knows.
Anyway, 2 of my friends were taking Karate at the time, just happened to have their gear in their cars. They brought them in school … and when the friends of one girl asked what they were … they told stories like “Wini’s a black belt, didn’t you know”. Too funny… what my friends were saying to all the friends of those women that were after me. So … classes would start and stop … in between you know the place to go is the ladies room … to have that cigarette before the next class began. Low and behold, there is this girl that wants to fight me, and that girl that wants to fight me … on and on, I was to be in a rumble week after week after week.
How did I resolve my problems with girls wanting to beat me up? I confronted them … but, first you have to know they have a zillion friends (their’s and mine) lined up on either side of the bathroom as on watchers (actually, I think my friends were taking bets … but that’s neither here nor there) … as I was talking with the girl that wanted to fight, I’d tell her two things.
1. Throw the first punch, then I’ll finish the fight.
2. Do your parents own or rent their home?
Throw the first punch I told them so when the police arrested us after the fight I want everyone to be a witness that you started the fight … and I finished it.
Do you parents own or rent your home … because I own whatever your parents own … after you caused this fight … because YOUR PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS … moron.
Fleeced … I never threw a punch in my life.
True story … oh, and I got a standing ovation from the faculty … I wrote that about a month ago… don’t want to retype my true sagas in life.
But, both lines worked.
Peace.
This story totally reminds me of someone a friend told me about. Ironically the guy who acted like this high school bully was actually a co-worker of my friend – a man in his late 20s, a professional in a professional workplace. Same exact behaviour, same tactics… Except I don’t think he ever actually punched anyone. But he would send pity e-mails “why don’t you like me?” all the time, pestering – sometimes with sinister subtext – or sometimes outright threats… and he’d play it big pity to superiors in the workplace, which saw him as “just being friendly” and whatnot if anyone complained about him.
WP,
I’ve seen this bullying tactic before. It’s an extreme version of “instant friends” scenario common with cluster Bs. The people who pull this one are usually less organized in style, and real drama queens. Run fast, run far, explain nothing to no one.
A varient on this one is the “We are all just one big happy family!” dictate from one or two people at the top of the pecking order. This forced intimacy leads to all sorts of high drama, all readiliy avoidable. Simply refuse to play.
If we think about it, we all know how friendships develop. It doesn’t happen overnight.
Elizabeth Conley: Unfortunately in the H.S. arena, you do not have the luxury of walking away…. for if I did, I would have surely been the first one to be beaten up … and as I said, the rest of students minding their own business attending school to study, would have been beaten up too. What I was trying do do at this time in our lives (teenagers) was to get bully’s to understand that there are consequences to physical violence…. whether that be arrests for fighting, or court situations. Either way, I don’t believe anyone should lay a hand on anyone else. What I did is known as BLUFFING! Standing my ground and bluffing… along with trying to instill logic of the situation.
Bullies don’t intellectually analyze what they are doing, they fall back on brute force.
I, for one didn’t want nor need to be physically assaulted.
Brute force isn’t relegated to H.S. or G.S. … it is all over … look at domestic violence in the world!
Peace.