A Lovefraud reader who posts as “Mani” asked a question that I’m sure is of interest to many others, so I’ll address it in a blog post. Mani writes:
I was one of the children who lived with a psychopath for a long time. I fought all my life not to let him be a part of my personality. In comparison to what I was exposed to I think I have been successful. But is there anybody out there who can shed more light on the effects of a psychopath father on children, particularly boys?
I know there is tendency to label these children as secondary psychopaths but I haven’t seen anybody talking about the mechanics of it. And I am sure all these children don’t become secondary psychopaths.
This is a complex situation with many variables, depending on the individuals involved. I will describe in general terms the two basic types of outcomes. Lovefraud has a lot more information in the Explaining the sociopath archive. Dr. Liane Leedom has written many articles on the topic. You may also want to get her book, Just Like His Father?
By the way, the term “secondary psychopaths” doesn’t necessarily apply to children of psychopaths. It refers to which set of psychopathic traits are predominant in an individual.
Genetic risk
Psychopathic parents, both fathers and mothers, definitely affect their children in many ways. There are probably two general categories of effects, depending on whether or not the child has inherited a predisposition to become psychopathic.
Psychopathy is highly genetic. That means a child can be born with a predisposition for the disorder to develop. Genetics, of course, is a crapshoot, so a child may or may not get the genes. In fact, a child is more likely to inherit the genes when the mother is psychopathic, rather than the father.
However, psychopathy results from both nature and nurture. Whether this disorder actually does develop is due to the parenting a child receives and the environment that the child grows up in. It is possible, with extremely attentive parenting, to prevent psychopathy from developing, or at least mitigate it. Essentially, parents must teach the child love, empathy and impulse control.
Psychopaths make terrible parents. They will not bother to instill love, empathy and impulse control in a child. They can’t teach what they don’t know.
Abuse
Psychopathic parents do not love their children. They are not concerned about a child growing up to be healthy, productive members of society. They look at children as possessions, like a car or a flat-screen TV.
Some psychopaths neglect their children. Others engage in physical abuse and sexual molestation.
But even if psychopaths don’t engage in outright physical abuse, they usually inflict psychological and emotional abuse. They lie to kids, break their promises, and keep changing the rules. The parent may say something, and then insist the words were never spoken, which distorts a child’s sense of reality.
The net result is that a child grows up in a very unstable environment. If the child has inherited the genes for psychopathy, chances are good that he or she will develop the disorder. If the child has not inherited the genes, he or she may develop other psychological issues, such as anxiety and depression.
Children of psychopathic parents who are not themselves disordered often have much to overcome related to their families of origin. They may not know what a healthy relationship or a healthy family looks like. They may become involved with sociopaths themselves, because it feels normal.
I think people who have grown up in these situations have a lot of internal untangling to do. They likely need to address and heal deep emotional pain, either through formal counseling or through self-help.
I invite any Lovefraud readers who have more information to share on this situation to contribute your insights.
Hi Donna and Mani,
Thank you for posting the question and response article. This is probably my most consuming issue. I know the fallout from having a sociopathic father will be great on my children, and I watch their development closely. Having both children in counciling as well as myself gives me some checks and balances when those fears creep in about their behavior. I try not to read into their actions and words, but sometimes it’s difficult to differentiate normal teenage behavior from the way their father acted.
I’ve learned to read a lot about what to expect in normal childhood development first instead of working backwards and starting with the sociopathic behaviors and trying to rule them out, if that make sense. it’s kind of like starting with a positive baseline and working from there, rather than just looking for the negative behaviors and trying to extract them.
I have also accepted that I cannot change genetic factors, but I can definitely change environmental ones. And as much as possible, I seek out help and advice from professionals. As if raising teens wasn’t challenge enough, at least I can let them know that counciling is a positive and helpful (and necessary) part of getting and staying healthy. I’m hoping it’s a resource they will take with them when they are grown.
Quinn
Hi Mani – I’ve been thinking about your question. I like what you said:
“I fought all my life not to let him be a part of my personality. In comparison to what I was exposed to I think I have been successful.” This is true for me as well.
I realize that I am a female who had a sociopath mother so my perspective is not quite what you are looking for. But there is one aspect of my “healing” that may help you. I remind myself that there is a difference in having PTSD / survivor issues and actually being a sociopath. That difference was not obvious to me at first. So when various sources seek to label children of spaths as “secondary spaths,” I view that as very unfair and not useful on a practical level in terms of what to do.
My self-confidence in working through my PTSD can be fragile at times especially since my teen years were rife with gaslighting and projection of her sociopathic traits on to me. But here’s the thing: is your behavior that of a spath ?? – it doesn’t sound like it to me. That’s the question I asked myself and knowing that I am NOT a spath helped me to choose resources that would help me to heal and to build my own life.
I understand having to fight all your life. I hope you find the answers to your questions and find the path to confidence and peace. I like what Quinn said above about seeking a positive baseline and of course all the other suggestions as well. Best Wishes !!
I was raised by a sociopath mother (maybe biological) and a physically abusive male father figure. I’m currently in therapy and have been for years and probably may always be. I have relationship issues. I care about people however; vulnerable. I always go towards the nice sweet people who turn out to be ugly inside. I lack the natural boundary for myself so become victim most of the time (pathetic). I hate this confusion. Don’t know how to defend self without going overboard or not reacting at all. Sometimes I just want to give up trying however; have this innate need to interact.
My children (now adults) have been raised mostly by me. I have had them in therapy too. How many generations will it take before the ugliness of upbringing will no longer effect generations to come? My children do not want any children of their own. Sadly they have been through a lot dealing with me and my depression and anxiety attacks. Not a great childhood for them.
Dear Raised by a sociopath,
Having been married for 23 years to a sociopath and then having my 5 children end up in middle age to have the same traits, I can only see one positive regarding the proliferation of psychotics and that is…psychotics usually are incapable of sustaining loving relationships and thus, have fewer offspring! Of my 5 children, 3 are divorced, one never married and the 5th one has a very malliable spouse. As long as my children were at home, my influence made them wonderful human beings; only in mid-life, due to their abusive father’s influence and those of our immoral society, have the psychotic traits emerged. Perhaps this inabiluity to maintain lasting relationships MAY curtail the numbers of offspring. At least, that is my hope.
My children have had problems trusting people. Maybe this is how I should be. They feel people have to prove themselves worthy where I feel everyone is good until proven otherwise. Do you see the extreme difference of trust?
Both my mother and my father were disordered, but I am not clear on the exact diagnosis of either parent. My hypothesis would be that my mother was a Narcissist and that my father also had Cluster B tendencies, although he may have been only bipolar. Both parents had empathy for certain people, in certain situations. Perhaps my mother was Borderline. Shortly before her death, she had a cold. I was very busy in my first position post law school, but I came to take care of her on Sunday, her caregiver’s day off (she had terminal cancer).
When I told her that I had to leave to finish some work for Monday morning, she faked an asthma attack. I have asthma, as did my father, and she had no history of the disease. She kept saying, “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe!” but I could clearly hear her regular breathing. Finally, I said, “Okay, if you are really in respiratory distress, I will need to call an ambulance. Even with your government insurance, the co-pay will be quite high. Do you want to do this? Because if you do, let’s get going. I have some critical work to finish before 8:00 am, and the ER may be packed.” She opted not to call the ambulance.
Growing up with their erratic moods, and physical violence, was Hell on Earth. My mother accused my father of sexually abusing me, because he preferred my company to hers. For the life of me, I still do not know if that was true. She was histrionic and dramatic, and had been abandoned by her own father. I do not, in truth, really want to know if the incest she reported was indeed a reality.
My father was violent, gas lighted everyone, cheated on my mother several times, and forced her to have two abortions when they were still illegal and dangerous. Still, he did, at times, seem to be a caring individual who sought the best possible outcome for his clients as an attorney. Ethics were not a strong suit for either parent. The ends always justified whatever means necessary.
In contrast, I have a strong sense of morality, and crave equal justice for all. My sister is, like our parents, a Cluster B personality. I have been, at times, a doormat, and am definitely an empath. Like the previous poster, I believe people deserve my trust until they show me that they clearly do not. My sister does not trust anyone unless they prove their devotion to her. Generally, she trusts no one. We are yin and yang, the sick products of our sick parents. It is truly sad.
mani,
I can’t help you regarding boys raised with a psycopathic parent.I have three girls.Their father and my husband,is the P. As the preceding post brings out,trust is an issue.The oldest and youngest daughter suffer with anxiety and depression.Otherwise,they’ve grown up with good work ethics and are compassionate,helpful women.I’m proud of the parenting techniques of the two girls that are mothers.
Raised by sociopath: I was raised by disordered parents as well. The ongoing challenge for me has been on the one hand to begin to appreciate myself more, and on the other hand (but it’s very related) to set boundaries. Even at 52, I’m still learning who my real friends are and who are not real friends. It usually feels very good to finally figure it out and set a boundary. In spite of a lot that I have been through, I tend to be a pretty open and trusting person for the most part, and I let a lot of little things go. On the one hand, this keeps my mood up much of the time because I don’t take a lot of stuff personally. But I sometimes wonder if I should be a little more guarded. I think for people with our background, a lot of our ups and downs have to do with lack of boundaries and inadvertently letting others manipulate us because we do not have a strong sense of ourselves and our motivations, or we are so conditioned to please others. For every person going through these type of ups and downs and instability, there can usually be found a person (or persons) in their life who is controlling or manipulating them. And if not, then they may have internalized a manipulative parental figure. Identifying and standing up to the person by setting a boundary usually releases the pain. But if it is a pattern, the pain will come back with each new relationship. Setting boundaries is a muscle we must learn to flex.
Thank you for sharing. It’s sad your dealing with this however; helps me not to feel alone with the issues I deal with. I hate this dance learned from childhood and is very difficult to unlearn. I’m 53 years old and find it sad at times when I want to give up on the human race. It’s not their fault I missed out on the fundamental building blocks from childhood on how to obtain healthy boundaries. Who can be trusted and who is the candy man driving around trying to pick up children. Wish you the best.
I was raised by a sociopathic mother also. Then I married a sociopath.My life was laid waste by this monster.I felt I DESERVED his abuse. I mean, if your mom doesn’t love you( -as he pointed out to me often)then you must be a bad person.That is how I felt my whole life….So I understand how you feel. I have always made excuses for people who have abused or mistreated me. Not anymore. After almost losing my freedom, then almost losing my life I decided I had done enough to punish myself. I am with a good man now. My anxiety and depression is not completely gone,but I see myself differently now and that has made all the difference. Good luck to you and God bless.
Thank you for sharing. Right now trying to start over again. Yes I understand what you’re saying about making excuses for people doing horrible things. I have the same issue dealing with now. The one time stood up for myself failing horribly. Tried at work to inform of an employee who started same day as me who told me my job belongs to her and she wanted me to quit. This woman harassed me big time. When I went to management about it the situation flipped and I was being harassed from management being told this woman has a lot of friends @....... work and I’m terrible person for harassing her with going to management and other management informs me I need to quit and I’m a liar. Great(sarcasm)! Now my career is in trouble over maybe another sociopath with no conscience.
I have read in various publications, that normally (however, not always), if a woman has psychopathic tendencies, they will be passed down to the male child, via one of two X chromosomes. Females, however, will normally acquire psychopathic tendencies, via the father’s Y chromosome.
Thank you for this information. It is scary, but people need to know.
I lost custody of 2 children in anti-family court to a dangerous abuser who was diagnosed by the court as having a “personality disorder”. This man is an expert con–he has a lengthy criminal record & civil complaints stretching from his youth until now to prove it. No remorse. He views himself as the victim, fighting a heroic battle where the world is against him. He is attracted to young teenage girls bc they are easy to manipulate and control (as what happened to me).
I know my kids are suffering with their father, and justice has failed us. I refuse to believe or allow my kids to be what their father is. I do what I can to be in their life (very limited) or send messages–I let them know I love them, I tell them positive things about themselves, and I send them true stories of people who have overcome obstacles, or worked hard to make a positive difference in this world. I try to reinforce in my children 1) that they are loved & cared for 2) there is a much bigger world out there, that is far beyond the hell they are living in now and 3) you can overcome any difficulties–and show that by example.
I also take care of myself, and get support so all my venting, emotion and tears are shed BEFORE I see my kids. I don’t get to see them often so I make the best of each visit. I expose my kids to art and cultural events, take them to see or try new things, bring them to church or to be around people who live by morals, and values. All of this I believe is seeding in my children ideas, dreams and experiences they can use as a foundation to build a better life, and to have hope.
I really believe there are things we can do to fight against the harmful influences of a psychopathic parent, and to support our children to grow and mature in a healthy manner. I believe it is possible for children to grow beyond a parent. And I believe that teaching a child to think, and see the world in a larger context–and especially teaching that child to reason and have empathy for others is key to them overcoming the effects of a toxic parent.
My point– have hope!
courageofjael – I am so sorry for what you and your children are enduring, but I am inspired by your emphasis on being a positive influence in the lives of your children. Welcome to Lovefraud.
Psychopathic parents or abusive parents and family court is a dangerous mix. Parents who try to protect their children from psychopathic/abusive parents are called protective parents. Most protective parents suffer from PTSD or Legal Abuse Syndrome as Dr. Karin Huffer calls it- among other trauma. The abusive parent often tries to ” brainwash” the child against the protective parent . We call this DV by proxy. Many protective parents are estranged from their children for years due to this. This is a heartbreaking situation and needs to be exposed as it is one of the worst forms of child abuse. Family courts need to be educated on this issue and held accountable so more children and protective parents do not suffer.
Both my parents are psychopaths, but both seem to have acquired this from conditioning rather than genetically (may have just decided to be heartless tyrants somewhere along the way…). None of their 3 biological children are psychopaths, me included. I am the eldest and their ‘favourite’; they’ve been competing over who’s going to win control over me all my life, repeatedly crushing me every step of the way in the process, of course. It’s almost like they’re addicted to torturing me, perhaps for them it’s a resemblance of what it could be like feeling pain. I’ve spent my adolescence in therapy, I suffer from a PTSD, anxiety and mild dissociative disorders. I never took any medication though I have made several suicide attempts before I was 21, then I moved literarily on the other side of the world. They managed to stay married for 16 years, but separation created a lot more difficulties for us as the children. My mother stopped breastfeeding me when I was 6 months old, palming me off to numerous questionable babysitters, so that she could have continued to be an actress. I was left overnight at the babysitters’ houses at least 4 times every week from 6 months till I was 6 yrs old. If they were on tour (yes, they’re both actors, quite lousy ones too), I’d have to stay there for weeks at a time. After 6 years and god knows how many babysitters, my first sister was born. Then mother decided to stay at home with her for 3 years. Not that I’d be jealous of that at all, I was annoyed by it, more that anything. I never got along with my mother, which combined with her career going straight down the drain, prompted her to begin a new 6-year era: beating the hell out of me as often as she could get her hands on me. My narcissistic father used to enjoy pretending he’s my protector from her, and as a result and with his help, I ran away from her to stay live with him, when I was 12. This went down under countless threats of being taken back to her by the Police, over a year long custodial battle, etc. I don’t see much benefit in going into details and the extend of the abuse inflicted on us, but they sure managed the lot: psychological, physical and father seemed to fit in even an alleged sexual molestation of my 8 yrs younger stepsister, for 3 years. I’m 34 now, still living on the other side of the world, having no contact with anyone from my family, but living with a loving and totally healthy partner of 4 years. It’s taken me all my life to crack this ‘nut’, so here it comes: I think being abandoned by mother as a baby, and the resulting brain development changes, have actually served to protect me from phycho mother upbringing damage. I struggled with not liking her and trying to force myself to develop some kind of a connection to her, but I never liked her or felt close to her anyway. All this stopped being a burden once I realised I couldn’t have developed a relationship with her because she wasn’t anywhere near me for the first 5 and a half years of my life. A lot more devastating blow for me was the father; when my stepsister told me he’s been molesting her for 3 years, I plunged deep into an 8-month long depression, attending 2 therapy sessions a week. On the other hand, two out of my 3 sisters are complete wrecks, having developed personality disorders way beyond any form of self-help. My third half-sister is only 14 now, but she does seems to be a bright, normal girl. I cut contact with her, in hope of shielding her a bit from increasing levels of manipulation and control, courtesy of our father, while he’d be trying to get his claws into me again. But it was when my body responded to an altercation with my sister, one that stayed with our mother, with a severe diarrhoea, I realised that hanging around my family might actually kill me. Sure, the everyday struggles to overcome my anxiety and PTSD and all the pain and suffering, must be probably the hardest thing I’ve endured so far. One thing is clear but – I’m not a psychopath. There are also other benefits I’ve noticed some time ago, one of them is that I can spot other psychopaths from miles away and there’s no way they can fool me, not for a second. Luckily, all the ones I’ve encountered so far really were of mediocre intelligence. Another thing is that other psychopaths tend to avoid me like a ‘plague’. I know this because they used to love my partner but all vanish like a bad smell if I show up. Unfortunately, this does not apply to my psychopathic parents, they can have me falling into pieces in a split second and probably will always be able to do so. But never mind that, I am very happy to be free, even at the expense of not having a family. I settled down on the other side of the Earth and I’m surrounded by some amazing people who seem to genuinely care for me and even love me. So step by step, I learn to accept this as a normal occurrence in my life, and such that won’t be ripped out of me as punishment for not meeting their needs, desires, wishes or fancies.
AndreaK – I am so sorry for your experience. But it seems that you are finding a way forward.
Please do not have any regret about cutting your disordered parents out of your life. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. Sometimes that means you need to cut contact with other family members as well.
Remember, your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you need to do for your own healing. I’m glad you’ve found a healthy partner.