A Lovefraud reader who posts as “Mani” asked a question that I’m sure is of interest to many others, so I’ll address it in a blog post. Mani writes:
I was one of the children who lived with a psychopath for a long time. I fought all my life not to let him be a part of my personality. In comparison to what I was exposed to I think I have been successful. But is there anybody out there who can shed more light on the effects of a psychopath father on children, particularly boys?
I know there is tendency to label these children as secondary psychopaths but I haven’t seen anybody talking about the mechanics of it. And I am sure all these children don’t become secondary psychopaths.
This is a complex situation with many variables, depending on the individuals involved. I will describe in general terms the two basic types of outcomes. Lovefraud has a lot more information in the Explaining the sociopath archive. Dr. Liane Leedom has written many articles on the topic. You may also want to get her book, Just Like His Father?
By the way, the term “secondary psychopaths” doesn’t necessarily apply to children of psychopaths. It refers to which set of psychopathic traits are predominant in an individual.
Genetic risk
Psychopathic parents, both fathers and mothers, definitely affect their children in many ways. There are probably two general categories of effects, depending on whether or not the child has inherited a predisposition to become psychopathic.
Psychopathy is highly genetic. That means a child can be born with a predisposition for the disorder to develop. Genetics, of course, is a crapshoot, so a child may or may not get the genes. In fact, a child is more likely to inherit the genes when the mother is psychopathic, rather than the father.
However, psychopathy results from both nature and nurture. Whether this disorder actually does develop is due to the parenting a child receives and the environment that the child grows up in. It is possible, with extremely attentive parenting, to prevent psychopathy from developing, or at least mitigate it. Essentially, parents must teach the child love, empathy and impulse control.
Psychopaths make terrible parents. They will not bother to instill love, empathy and impulse control in a child. They can’t teach what they don’t know.
Abuse
Psychopathic parents do not love their children. They are not concerned about a child growing up to be healthy, productive members of society. They look at children as possessions, like a car or a flat-screen TV.
Some psychopaths neglect their children. Others engage in physical abuse and sexual molestation.
But even if psychopaths don’t engage in outright physical abuse, they usually inflict psychological and emotional abuse. They lie to kids, break their promises, and keep changing the rules. The parent may say something, and then insist the words were never spoken, which distorts a child’s sense of reality.
The net result is that a child grows up in a very unstable environment. If the child has inherited the genes for psychopathy, chances are good that he or she will develop the disorder. If the child has not inherited the genes, he or she may develop other psychological issues, such as anxiety and depression.
Children of psychopathic parents who are not themselves disordered often have much to overcome related to their families of origin. They may not know what a healthy relationship or a healthy family looks like. They may become involved with sociopaths themselves, because it feels normal.
I think people who have grown up in these situations have a lot of internal untangling to do. They likely need to address and heal deep emotional pain, either through formal counseling or through self-help.
I invite any Lovefraud readers who have more information to share on this situation to contribute your insights.
Awaken1 – I’m glad Lovefraud is helping you. Regarding your question – I assume that your father was involved in your upbringing as a fundamentalist Baptist. Please know that many, many sociopaths use and twist religious teachings to suit their own agenda. Some use Scripture to prove women must submit to men. Others prey on people’s beliefs about forgiveness to insist that they should be continually forgiven, no matter how bad their behavior.
I do not believe God intended religious teachings to be a cover for abuse. But sociopaths will use Scripture and religious beliefs in that way.
I once heard an interpretation of that commandment which may help you: Honor thy father and mother – if they are honorable.
This is the first time I am going to formally write out my story, even though I have been verbalising it to selected people for just less than a year now. I am 45 years old, never married, single for the last 11 years and no children. I have been trying to untangle the confusion of my inner world since I was about 27 when I began a degree in psychology. I worked on an Eating disorder unit for a year as part of that and had to see a therapist as I developed panic attacks and was overwhelmed by the stories of abuse the patients were disclosing. I began to wonder why I hadn’t become one of them? I consciously knew that my parents were emotionally unhealthy from at least my teenage years, and left home at 17. I had always been told that my mother was unstable, in fact she had attempted suicide twice during my childhood. My father had always made sure we walked on eggshells around her. My mother had had an affair when I was 3 and my brother was 1. There had been talks of divorce and I remember finding the papers. I knew that their marriage was a torture and this was my blueprint for relationships. I consistently chose emotionally abusive and unavailable men and had my heart stamped on so many times that I simply shut down to the possibility of being in love. I began training in psychotherapy at age 32, and ate up the 3 1/2 years of art psychotherapy I had for myself. By then I had understood that my mental illness symptoms were OCD, neurosis, paranoid thoughts and persecution complex. I had also written a play about the lost relationship between mother and daughter due to the controlling mediation of the father. I always sided with my father, and believed my mother to be the cause of all my problems. She expected me to take responsibility for her mental and physical wellbeing, was extremely manipulative and passive aggressive, always ill with something and guilt -tripped me for being alive. I continued with lots of self help and personal development, have done yoga and meditation for years, follow Buddhist and pagan principles in my own life and have always yearned for a sense of community and children of my own. It is at 45 years old, after one and a half years of psychic / intuitive development work, and 13 years of seeing my inner world mirrored in the faces of each class of children I teach, that I have realised the awful truth. My mother. who passed away 4 years ago now, which was a relief, was not actually the problem, even though her own narcissistic behaviour was damaging in itself. I have woken up to the truth that my dad, who I have idolised and seen as my only true confidante and protector, has all this time been a psychopath. Such a infinite web of lies and manipulation have been spun my whole life, leading me to believe that no one in the world can really be trusted, only fathers. I have dealt with issues of his ownership over my body with his comments and humiliation. I have observed and reacted against the way he always humiliated and belittled any guy I was going out with. I have observed and retaliated over the meanness he showed my mother. He was an utter bastard to her and always said it was because she had betrayed him. I had been telling them to get divorced for years but they seemed to like the pain they inflicted on each other. It is not until now, now that he is 72 and his mask is slipping, and his health is failing, that I see the way he looks at me, and it gives me the creeps. It is not until now that I have understood how he used me as an emotional crutch and replaced my mother with me from age 3. I was to be the complete confidante for him, never betraying, never leaving him, until of course this became inconvenient as it got in the way of his new relationship that started before my mother died. I am still in the dark about the exact ways in which he reinforced his control and manipulation over me, I only know it with all of my heart that he is poison. I haven’t had actual verbal contact with him for 8 months, though he panicked and tried to keep texting. Thankfully he lives in another country. his texts became weirder and weirder, no compassion, he repeated the exact words I had used. I was advised by the psychic I have been working with, who also has a Psychopath for a father, to remain neutral, not to get into any game playing or emotional responses and to cut contact. She said he would eventually get bored if he realised he had lost control. I haven’t had a strange text since April this year, but he has sent a message via a mutual friend on fb to tell me he needs a hip operation and would love to hear from me. I have put in a clear boundary there and asked her not to get involved. I have also begun tell some extended family members that I am no longer in contact with him. It’s such a big deal to stop contact with your parents. This summer is the first summer in 13 years that I won’t be going there for a holiday and all the losses that that involves really hurt. I have begun to question and research whether he really is to make sure I’ve done the right thing, even though I know I have, it’s just so awful. My brother has always been estranged from the family and he hasn’t spoken to me for 4 years. I am literally alone except for some good friends who I can tell, but I still keep it brief because it’s not for polite conversation. I am going back to finish my child psychotherapy qualification because it is now possible for me to even contemplate what else I might uncover in my inner world. I have felt emotionally safe for the first time in my life since I stopped speaking to him on a weekly basis. I have moved house and he doesn’t know where I am. I have begun on a new journey to discover who I actually am without the constraints of someone else’s control. I have only ever been able to define myself in terms of rebellion and defensive behaviour. I really want to meet a partner. I do attract predators still, but I see them quickly. I know my inner world is changing as I have enormous compassion for myself and am kind to myself. I know I have been manipulated and that it runs deep. I don’t know who I am yet but I’m enjoying the freedom to find out. I too have read tons about the psychopath and feel informed and have begun to release any self-blame. I feel like my life has just started. I just hope it’s not too late to have a child, but to be honest, to find love and friendship with people who really care for me is the real goal. Then I will know he has failed to tarnish my view of the world. I would love to hear comments from other survivors or any advice on how to stay focussed on keeping no contact in those moments when needing a parent clouds the reality. Love & Light. G xxxxxxxx
Gaia – welcome to Lovefraud. I can imagine the shock of realizing the truth of what you had experienced – it means you need to re-evaluate the way you looked at almost everything in your world. This is a really big deal, and it will take some time to get used to it.
My suggestion would be to realize that there will be many, many dimensions to unravelling what happened. It will probably take you quite a while to process all the implications.
But the idea of a new life, and a new you, is very exciting! I wish you the best.
G, I am V, a survivor. I am lucky compared to you as I knew from very early on that mother was “sick” and I rebelled. I read Kahlil Gibran in 1st Grade (age 6 or 7?) “your children are not your children” … but I had to finish growing up underneath her to survive and survive I did. Always ready, growing, searching for more info to “know” that I was at least on the right path – of being normal – since I had no idea what normal was. She turned the rest of the family against me since I was “the bad one” as she introduced me as an adult to others. I told her face to face that if she didn’t learn to respect me that I, too (my oldest brother has not spoken to her for 15 years at that point) was not going to speak to her again. She was respectful for almost 2 full weeks. I gave it a bit more time and eventually I was just able to let her go and refused to ever speak to her again. It wasn’t hard for me because I had always felt that I truly never had a mother – not a real mother. I envy those who have but do not dwell on it. I did have a son, now have 2 grandchildren – boys – and guess what – my son married a narcissist/psycho 1st time and I have my suspicions about his now second wife although I am not sure. I am here to help the children. I broke the cycle only to have it return. I live for my grandchildren. My son loved me and we were close and we did ok and my grandsons love me and we do ok. I feel that I have to show them the way, the right way so that they too are lucky enough to come out of this without too many bruises. I had EMDR for PTSD. And it worked very well. God bless the angels of therapy! I continue to seek the truth until I pass from this earth. Love and care for yourself with God’s help first, then you will be able to project that love. Read Karla McLaren – she will help teach you about empathy, read the Solo if you are of Christian faith – it has guided me well. Search for the angels that can help and love the animals. Peace, V
WOW, you sound a lot like me, only I am Male and it was my Mom. I was the youngest with 2 older sisters. My sisters figured out something was wrong and married to escape right out of High School. My mother had me fooled and under her control until I was in my 50’s. Once I started questioning her she turned on me. After she passed I started working on my Dad’s genealogy which had been his hobby while alive. He was Norwegian. I had my DNA tested and I am 95% English/Irish. There was a family rumor that my oldest sister was not his, so I had her test and she came back as my 1/2 sister. Since my mom never hid the fact that she had tried to abort me, I then suspected that I may not be my Dad’s as well, so I had my middle sister test and she came back as my full sister. But once again the genealogy did not match our Dad’s. After more research and a bit of luck and help. I discovered who our bio dad was. I also found that Mom had 2 children she had abandoned in Australia (she was a war bride) and my bio-dad had 2 children near us in California. the poor dad who raised us had no bio-kids (as he thought he did). There was no love in our house and we 3 pretty much raised ourselves. Once @....... 5 I got lost at a community picnic 3 miles from home and just figured they forgot me and found my own way home (long walk) but never got upset or thought there was anything wrong.
Mom always flirted with my sisters boyfriends and drove my girlfriends away. When my oldest sister had children, she undermined her relationship and manipulated her way into getting custody of her children. she tried the dame with my middle sister and my oldest children. Turning them against us and their younger siblings.
I used to think she did this trying to replace the children she left in Australia, but I now know it was to get more little people to control.
The worst for me is we did not get the parenting skills you get from a healthy family life and this has passed on to 2 more generations now. I can see several direct descendants from Mom, with some of her traits, one grandchild is dead on and one great grandchild I am really wondering about. My sisters and I are all in our 60’s and still healing. The damage our mother did is so far spread the only way I can describe her is evil. Her genes are very strong.
It is healing to have stumbled across this forum with others who had these sicko’s to grow up with.
The Pain my mother has caused has destroyed the lives of many.
I am very close to your age and have a lot in common with you. My dad is a sociopath too and he also damaged me, my mom, and to a lesser extent, my brother. My mom damaged both of us kids pretty badly too. I finally recognized my dad’s true condition in my mid thirties, gradually realizing there was something very wrong and it wasn’t me.
What a relief to read another story like mine and feel a tiny bit less alone.
Thanks for putting it out there.
I am interested in the “heredity” factor. I have a granddaughter that has a Narc father, who has not been in her life since she was 3 1/2 months old (his choice of course),she is now 20 months old. She is living with my husband and myself and her mother. She is a loving, joyful child who loves us, her puppy, her dollies, and pretty much anyone. She is sociable, we have taken her lots of different places and exposed her to lots of different people and circumstances. She can be very strong willed. My husband (her grandfather) had heard that this psycopathy can be hereditary…any one know anything about this?
Kukima-
I have a son with Borderline Personality Disorder. Before he was born, his father’s psychiatrist told me he was a psychopath.
There was no public information at the time about what that meant or the impact of a parents psychopathy on a child. There was not even an internet. I knew, however, that my ex was an endangerment to both me and my son. He had kidnapped his two children by a previous marriage, and the last thing I wanted was to expose my son to that risk.
I’ve conducted a great deal of research since then and am far more aware today than I was while raising my child.
Having an emotionally disturbed parent puts your grandchild “at-risk” for developing a character disorder. What this basically means is that emotional empathy, the central component of morality and conscience, is produced by oxytocin. As a neurotransmitter in the brain, the quantity of it, and her response to it, can be determined by her DNA.
You have a short window of opportunity to create emotional empathy for your grand daughter. It would be best to read Dr. Liane Leedom’s book, “Just Like His Father” to understand how to best go about developing emotional empathy. Often, parents will see signs of lack of empathy as their child develops. I saw it in mine, but simply thought it would kick-in as he matured. I was wrong.
Providing a very nurturing, warm environment is the best way to accomplish the creation of emotional empathy.
My son was abandoned by his father. As an infant, there was not a dime of child support. I had to work long hours to keep a roof over his head, food in his tummy and clothes on his back. He was left in the care of Nannies a great deal of the time.
Because you are all part of a loving, warm family, you have a far better shot at building emotional empathy in your grandchild. It is extremely important to conduct your interaction with her in the most emotionally supportive way possible. Hugs, laughter, time and caring are your best weapons against psychopathy.
People think that not having a psychopathic father around is the best thing for the child. Unfortunately, that is not necessarily so. There is a tremendous void in a child’s life when a parent disappears, and it can cause them to become oversensitive to abandonment, which factors heavily in creating Borderline Personality Disorder. The abandoned child can grow up to become an abandoner and have difficulty bonding.
Emotional empathy is not something that is taught to a child. It is something that develops within the child’s brain. Learn how to foster emotional empathy and you will be on your way to defeating the demons that being at “high-risk” presents.
Wishing you and your grand daughter a bright and happy future.
Joyce
Thank you for your support.
Since my post I have either recognized more sociopaths in my friendship group and in a sharehouse I was in.
They are simply crawling everywhere!
I feel very confused. Every single person close to me growing up did not love me back. I always thought my chronic fatigue and depression and anxiety were in my head.
Now I know it was a very good physical alarm system. I can’t erase the past but I have no idea how to rebuild. My whole identity is psychopath enabler. AND I find it hard to let go of the good they did or how very well they knew my needs. I now know it didn’t come from love but from narcissism and possession.
The way I see the world, people and myself is almost identical to a psychopath, only I don’t act on what I notice.
Does it make me one too?
I still find it hard to deal with emotive, irrational people. I just get my job done without asking for anything and I don’t understand victims who deliberately avoid solutions for attention.
I guess it’s nearly 30 years of programming and I can’t even begin to understand where the manipulation stops and starts.
The good thing is that they let me run free. I’m very creative and they always encouraged it, so I have confidence in my artistic judgement. I’m articulate because my mum loved stories. We had so many fun times together. I know she may have been acting but she is still probably my favourite person (or persona) in the world. Everything I know that is good and that people compliment me on, I learned from her.
I still find it hard to label them as ‘bad’. I know they have bad driving them mentally, but there are many similarities in what they feel and see. It might not be the full experience, but at least they know it. As they age, they no longer want to try to ignore their illness and they can’t be bothered with the pretense. I can also understand this too. If they are ill, they are ill and if joining in with the world is too hard then they should rest.
I think the illness is complex. I thoroughly believe it’s genetic as my brother was born this way and my cousins were definitely born this way. They were hyper-alert, too intelligent, fearless and cunning.
I know now that my affection for my family is OK. We had some really good times and some REALLY good laughs. I still love them, if not just for the memories of how their presence turned me into who I am, which is a good person. I resent them for the abuse, of course, but how can I be angry at them for being ill? That is like being angry at a paraplegic for not walking.
Of course I still want to call them but I have to accept the person I knew is gone, and that is the cycle of life.
I encourage anyone overcoming psychopath relationships to remind yourself again and again, do not take the behavior personally. You are well, and they are ill. They are ill, they are ill, they are ill. And all of the great things were still great, but it is a complicated situation that you did not cause. The only thing to do is not be angry at yourself, at them (when you are over your initial reactions) and just be at peace with nice people.
yes I am happy to connect with anyone who wants. I have experience of at least 35 psychopaths and know them well. Heck, I must be half a psychopath, it’s all I know!
Star-
Psychopaths are not “ill.” Far from it! But they make the people around them “ill.”
Psychopaths are DISORDERED.
Here is the difference…. An illness can be remedied or improved upon. An illness is not an innate part of a person’s morality. It is not part of the person’s wiring. Depression, PTSD. etc, are forms of illness.
Psychopathy is a disorder. It cannot be fixed. A person with psychopathy can act “normal” if and when they decide to, but their innate character is to disregard the well-being of others whenever it suits them to do so. They have NO CONSCIENCE.
People with character disorder can be charming, funny, and appealing. BUT… they are incapable of love.
It is a pity that you grew up surrounded by them. It is a testament to the fact that the disorder is genetic at its base.
Just like you can’t be “a little pregnant,” you can’t be “a little psychopathic.” Either you have emotional empathy for others and a conscience, or you don’t.
Not everyone who is born to a psychopath becomes a psychopath. Please see: http://bit.ly/1EUhe8R for an explanation of how pyschopathy develops in children.
Joyce
Awesome! Thank You!
Hi Joyce,
Yes I agree with you completely. The right term is necessary but ill was my word for describing what I saw. After four years, I saw my brother in a restaurant yesterday. He stared at me blankly and it was absolutely no character. Not only no light, but nothing that would form a personality. He was simply a machine with hair. He sent chills up my spine because the way he was looking around was like he wanted to do something dangerous. That’s why I agree with people who call a sociopath a “thing”. That’s what they are and that’s why it’s so distressing to realise the person you have been next to is fake.
I agree on the pregnancy analogy. You are born a psychopath or you are born an empathic person. The way your character develops may differ but there is no “spectrum”. i argued with a therapist on this before I realised he was proudly (in analogies) revealing that he was a psychopath to me. He then encouraged me to be a therapist as I was so insightful (ego stroking).
The fact is, they will say anything to play down what they are. The common ones I’ve heard is “everybody sees things differently” and “it’s not all about you” and “we all have different levels of attachment”. the “spectrum” is a lie. The way the lack of empathy and remorse is hidden is on a spectrum. But psychopathy is not on a spectrum. The things that motivate us to get up and live are simply missing inside them.
Agreed- I think there are two kinds of people in the world…. those that have emotional empathy, and those that don’t. And the numbers of people who lack it is startling.
I see it in how people react to my book or the law we’re trying to legislate on sexual assault by fraud. It’s very revealing to me who gets it, and who doesn’t. When they don’t, I’m tempted to ask “How many women have you lied to in order to seduce them?”
And it’s not just men that don’t get it. There are lots of women who think that if you don’t know it, it can’t be rape… just like CeeLo Green’s comment that it can’t be rape if your victim is asleep.
It takes a lack of empathy to scoff at the victim’s right to self determination over their most intimate core.
Joyce
Hi, star_al! What you tell is very close to me. I know the belief: they are not so bad. It took too many years to understand they are just manipulative, and their ‘good’ behaviour is a part of their game. We are dolls for them, they don’t want to admit we are individualities with feelings, emotions and needs. So, I started a blog where I share my experience with psychopaths. I grew up in psychopathic family and it wasn’t so amusing to be among them. So I want more people to know the hell I lived in and maybe to avoid my mistakes to give all of them the chance of being better people :))) You can see my thoughts here: http://vivadonia.blogspot.bg/
I am co parenting with a sociopath.. He my daughter’s father. He claims to be a minister of God but yet is so deceptive! He makes up lies to my daughter about me. He finds any little thing to speak bad about me to my daughter, She is only *8years old. I feel I am a good Mother and it is so horrible he makes up lies about me to my daughter. Almost like he wants her to hate me. I am so glad my daughter is a smart little girl and always defends me and says No daddy do not say that about mommy. I wonder if there is any literature on dealing with a sociopath parent? Does anyone have any suggestions? Also I am not in agreement with his cult like religion and the way those ministers con the people out of a lot. I just do not want my daughter to be part of that shadiness.
Hi princessleonor. This site has lots of good articles and tons of comments and insights from others with experience dealing with this beast. Learn as much as you are able to. There is a site called lightshouse that is geared towards helping those children of disordered parents. You are absolutely on target in mentioning the cult like aspects. Dr David McDermot explains this well on his site decisionmakingconfidence.com. Because of the mind control even a one on one relationship with someone psychopatic can be considered as a cult. Be as calm as you can be considering what you are dealing with. Don’t let him poison your heart. If he sees that you are on to his scam he will likely go to great extremes to isolate you, discredit you, frame you for things you did not do, ect. Mine did everything she could to drive me to a mental breakdown. When that didn’t work she and her feigning pseudoChristians smeared me there. They usually play the crazy card. I don’t attend those congregations anymore. Too much deception. Sadly for now that is a toxic place for me. I drive a bit further to a congregation that so far feels more authentic. I may have to move further since she and the rest of the gaslighting sect are extremely influential over a large part of the state I live in. For now I have a bit of peace. I have learned not to take that for granted. Given what you have said about the corruption and hypocrisy you have seen in the congregation don’t be shocked if he has allies and or minions who will back up his deceptions. In the first century when the Christian congregations were newly formed Annanias and Saphira were willfully deceiving others to glorify themselves. It did not go well for them. When people not only lie like Annanias and Saphira, but also exploit others, and then when given opportunity to repent, instead redouble their efforts to evade accountability, that is willful wickedness. They will pay one day for their chosen course. Unlike the slippery ever changing moral standards of society as a whole, God does not adjust his standard of right and wrong. He is as disgusted by all this as you and I are. Your mission now is to guide and protect your daughter as best you can and to show her by your actions the right path.
Hi 4light2shine,
Thank You for the resources and responding, I thought I was alone in this situation with con in the church. I am not the type to judge anyone but I have experienced so much evil with my ex husband the so called minister that it has me so what not wanting to be involved in any christian organization. I believe some people are good but those good ones always get conned by the sociopath leader. It is hard to believe and it almost sound bad saying but it is true. My ex husband while I was pregnant cheating on me with two other women in the church. He would not allow me at the prayer meetings or fellowship with his group. He would tuck me away and rejected me always. He as a minister and others that have no problem taking money from hard working people, to travel the world. They will not go to a city that is poor they always go to cities that people have money or is a tourist city. They brainwash people to accept the crap they do and keep and keep quiet because it is not sweet to judge others. I mean my ex husband makes up so many stories and that they have dreams and God is talking to them and telling things. It is just creepy. They want everyone to send them money so they can travel and they do not even work and I had to go to child support court because he refused to help with his daughter. He has new followers and they are being so conned, it sad, some not all because I know of two in the group that exploit people and it just a business for them. It is ridiculous. I was concerned about these people but I have decided to just let it be, my obligation is to my daughter and I do not bad mouth her father but I do guide in truth. I do not want my daughter to grow up being conned by her father or any other so called minister. Her money is for her to use to do good if she pleases but give to a creep to go on vacation or to be brainwashed or used.
I know who he is, he is fake and con artist! I would not speak up before about what was going on in the church because I thought it was judging but now I will speak the truth and I refuse to allow my daughter to be conned by anyone, especially the church! They just trick people and him particularly has no remorse, he has done so much and never expressed remorse, that is when I knew they are sociopaths , also after my therapist confirmed it.
My concern is my recovery from this marriage of 10 years and co parenting with a sociopath. Thank you for the suggestions. I am here on the site almost everyday because it has helped me so much.
4LIGHT2SHINE,
Great advice. Thank You so much!
I will not let my light stop shinning either.
hi… im 19 and from england and still confused on what my dad really is or feels. I lived at my nanas house (his mum) until i was 4, and everything seemed great. Then we moved house as he had 4 kids…there wasnt enough space. He and my mother broke up a long time ago, i was 6 months old so, don’t know her all too well. She lives in Scotland now, i just remember the times we did go to visit her, i never wanted to leave because she was so much nicer than dad.
When we moved into our new house, he acted perfectly normal and was happy for us to choose our own rooms and have fun. When i was around 5 or 6 years old everything seemed to change, i noticed he treated my older brothers and sisters badly but i thought it was because they were older or something i didnt know. Anyway, he started treating me the same way, he would sleep most of the day and ignore us…and when he did get up, he would be angry that the house was a mess because he would leave it months before cleaning and not highlight the importance of keeping the house tidy to us.
After this he would scream at us and brush everything into one room into a huge pile and tell us to tidy it straight away or else. If we didnt tidy quick enough or started crying because the way he had asked us to tidy, he would corner us, shout at us, and we would be crying and he would tell us to stop being babies and usually would lead to physical abuse such as hitting or slapping us yelling in our faces telling us to do what he had asked. Of course i was only about 6…i got so scared i froze and cried and he continued to hit us because we wouldnt move. Things like this happened all too often.
I became confused. He took us outdoors a lot, to the woods or to walk round lakes and he would act like the perfect dad, smiling and talking to strangers. Making me feel i loved him and that he really cared for me. But when i got home it was always the same emotional and physical abuse. He would then apologise and we would forgive him and he would be happy but if we questioned him he would instantly shout and slam doors or punch them leaving holes in them. He
When i was older, maybe 9 or 10 years old, my brothers began calling me names, fat, ugly, cow, bitch…and instead of stopping them he would laugh and join in and create new ways to call me names, perhaps putting them into a song or something… it made me cry everytime and i did try to run away several times, but didnt know where to go so had to come back home. Later when i was 11, he stopped being so physically abusive saying a new law came out to not hit children. At this stage i had been making my own dinner and we all got ready for school ourselves. He would always take us in late, and always forgot to pick us up when he promised he wouldnt forget and it upset us everytime.
He now continues to be emotionally abusive and i have had anxiety and depression since i was 11 years old. Thats for 8 years…is that normal? … he pretends he wants you or cares about you., but im pretty sure he only wants me because im in full time education and he gets money for it… he kicked all my other siblings out by now because they stopped or finished education…i am currently struggling to get up in the mornings due to depression and it is making education extremely difficult.
I stay here in the house with him because for years i have believed, maybe he does love me, if i stay he will eventually love me, or i am scared to leave because it will disappoint him and what if he does actually care and im just being silly? i mean there has been the good times. There is so much more i could say but there’s simply too much to say… perhaps the fact he always told me how horrible my mum is and not to go to live with her (which i know she isnt really horrible), how i couldnt associate with the rest of my family so he stopped us even visiting, how he now has two new children but also a wife now…i worry for them…i hope someone can read this and help me figure this out.
thanks.
Hi Hidden, Welcome to Lovefraud. First I want to say that I am so sorry that you have been abused by your own father. No child deserves to be abused in anyway especially by the their own parents who are suppose to protect their children. I also want to tell you that you are very brave for reaching out for help by posting your story on LF. That takes a tremendous amount of courage & strength.
I think it is important right now for you to just realize that yes you are being abused verse trying to figure out which personality disorder category your father may fall into.
For now I would highly recommend that you call your country’s National Domestic Violence Hotline (just google those words with your city & country name) then call that free 24/7 hotline to talk with a free counselor. I would also suggest that you ask them for your city’s local abuse center and go there for free counselor & woman group meetings.
Take care
hi, i have found a centre near by and i will be heading there soon for advice and counselling. Also thank you for simply stating that it is abuse because it is difficult to actually believe your own father could abuse you and you telling me this makes it easier. Thank you so much for your help and taking time to read my story it means the world to me that someone is willing to help i simply cant thank you enough
Hi Hidden, your welcome hon, It’s so hard to believe that someone can abuse you…whether in your case your father or in my case my ex husband. We want to believe the best in everyone but this simple is not how life is. We all know what physical abuse is but we are not educated on what constitutes emotional & mental abuse nor is our society so bystanders just stand idle by not knowing what to do with regards to emotional/mental abuse.
I am so glad that you had the courage to post your story & to call your domestic abuse center. That is POWERFUL!! You are taking back your power hon!!!
Some books that will help you to understand who abuses in this world:
1) Red Flags by Donna Anderson (Lovefraud site creator) see her book list at the top of this site
2) Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
3) The sociopath next door by Dr Martha Sout (this one you can listen to on you tube for free)
4) The gas lighting Effect by Dr Robin Stern
5) How to spot a dangerous man by Sandra Brown (this is a good one to make sure that you avoid bad men while dating)
6) The gift of fear by Gavin Debecker (google Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut) this is a must read book for every woman on this planet so pass it along to your girlfriends so that you all can protect each other.
Please know that 1 in 5 people are narcissist (75% men) & 1 in 25 people are sociopath/psychopath mainly men. These abusive people are everywhere in our society blending in so it is very important to educate yourself and most importantly to listen to your gut the minute you feel something is not right with a person.
Google;
Gas lighting abuse
No contact rule
Please know that you are not alone Hidden…we are here for you so keep coming here to vent, learn, read. Other sites in the UK that will help you: Baggage Reclaim. com
Take care
aww thank you so much, you are so kind, i think you should also know that you are an amazing person giving your own time to help others 🙂 i must admit, i have never dated, in the fear that things will start well and then they will go bad like usual, but i will have a look at these books and im sure they will help. Also sorry you had to go through the same thing with your husband, im happy you got away by using your own power 🙂 hope youre feeling much better than before.
Currently reading “The Sociopath Next Door”.
It’s a great read and very helpful!
Hi Hidden…here is the UK National Domestic violence hotline number:
24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247
Run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge (they also have a website under these two names)
thank you very much, the womens refuge gives me the option of moving out of the house which will be very helpful to me, i wouldnt have found this before so, again, thank you
Your Welcome…so glad you call them!
My heart goes out to all those who grew up with a psychopathic parent, we all have a long, challenging healing journey ahead of us but it is worth it.
Both of my parents were psychopaths and it is not an excuse but it has helped me to understand the deep degree which both of my parents were emotionally wounded as children. I no longer feel their abuse and neglect was personally directed at me or my siblings, my siblings and I were simply commodities to our father and targets for our mother. Our parents attacks on us really had nothing to do with us, we were easy, available targets which they could unleash and project their self-hatred onto.
I have a lot of doubts about the tremendous impact professionals place on the importance genetics plays in anything though and wanted to address this. I can remember as a teenager the day I came to the realization that I had begun to walk the dark path my parents walked and it horrified me but I knew no other way of life. That day I made a conscious choice to not walk that path, it was a choice. After I made that choice my life was still filled with pain because I lived in the role of victim but I did not ever again deliberately harm or use other for my satisfaction. Why did my 2 brothers choose to follow in our parents footsteps?
There is one very important word in your post, Hope; conscious. The very fact that you had one as a teenager, separates you from the wolves!
💜
My life was greatly affected after my upbringing wih a sociopathic father and a narcissist mother. Some would call me a ‘wolve’ in some regards for sure, during my 20’s and mid 30’s. I would sleep with girlfriends’ fellows, steal from friends/family/stores and lie bold-faced to save my hide. It was a hard road to sanity and discovering what values were important to me, and how to reverse the damaged ones. Like honesty instead of lying. Faithfulness instead of promiscuity. Patience instead of instant gratification. Sobriety instead of drunkeness. Integrity instead of people-pleasing. Responsibilty instead of blaming and excusing my behavior on my skewed upbringing. I had to take ownership to heal. I had to accept (not excuse or erase) my wounded family. I had to put myy old ways down and start all over. I had to grow up, I had to embrace that wounded inner child and protect myself from harm. Please don’t give up! Keep going, pushing forward, seeking that power greater than yourself. Blessings
Terri Jo