Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
I dont know if its the weather or my PMS thats got me all screwy these past two days. I had a dream of him last night and want to share…
I was waiting at the train station for him to arrive (he often would take the train to my house) but he didnt show up…he just blew me off…which was unlike him. I asked some people if they had seen him and they said, ‘yeah, last night late he was getting on the train to go home’. That hurt me.
The dream took place at my parents home, but in the dream it was HIS home (where his parents live). The dream had minimal words, and I remember him having his back turned to me, but I could see the side of his face. He looked different and the ‘feel’ of the dream was like I was trying to get him to see all the wrongs that happened…and he was just totally non-chalant about it all. Like he had ‘things to do’ and I was kinda holding him back…sorta. His parents had come home and he tried rushing me out of his home and I got the sense that he would be criticized for having me over…but HE asked me to come over…and didnt watn his family to know.
I jusst kept looking at him with a glare and tears in my eyes…so angry at him but wanting so badly for him to act like he cared about how I was affected.
Real life now…I listened to his last phone message he left for me the day our NC began. This was after I had found he stole from me, he denied it, we went on vacation and 5 days later he said to me “it JUST dawed on me that you accused me of stealing from you”…he had called me this day and badgered and demanded that I give him an apology…I didnt…and this was the result…
“Hey, it’s me. Im gonna assume-I hate to assume, but Im gonna assume by your silence and not calling me back and not feeling like, I dont know, like you owe me an explaination for what yousaid, or apolgy for what you said…that we’re not talking right now.
Ill further assume that because you removed my mom as a friend from facebook, on her birthday (he was looking at my profile through his moms…although he told me he DIDNT have an account of his own–he lied, just blocked me), so, ummmmm, I dont know, I guess if you decide tht you want to talk, um, well…actually, what you said, what you did was, it really hurt my feelings. It was incredibly rude and inconsiderate and I feel you owe me an apology and maybe you should think about that cause if you dont then maybe we shouldnt talk and if you do, then maybe you should call and tell me…that your sorry—alright? Goodnight, bye”
And we’ve been NC ever since…kinda sounds like manipulation, doesnt it?
Where to start? Hello ladies who’ve been there.
My books have arrived! “In Sheep’s Clothing”, “The Gift of Betrayal”, “The Betrayal Bond” and “the sociopath next door”.
I know knowledge is power but at the same time the more I learn about this stuff, the scarier it gets. I keep hearing the words of the last officer I spoke with. “Just be thankful you weren’t hurt.” I understand now, he said this because he was aware of the XS’s violence in his previous relationship.
I read Oxy’s post about the P’s having THEIR OWN SITE! That is just too disturbing. They teach each other how to identify, scam, abuse and destroy people??? And then congratulate each other on their degrees of success? Too Sick to even imagine.
Anyways, read I must. So I am wondering if anyone has a suggestion as to which book I should start with???
I am leaning toward The Betrayal Bond first simply because I feel so betrayed.
Many thanks for some input.
Dear PTSD, I would read either “in sheeps’ clothing” or the “sociopath next door” first, and the other two (either one) next, but then go BACK AND RE-READ each of them again.
There is so much stuff there that it is hard to get it all into your head, so just keep learning. Also read all the archived articles here as well. Some won’t mean as much now as they will later when you go back and re-read them as well. It takes a WHILE to get all this stuff into your head and then you have jto start reconciling your emotions with your head, so it is not going to be EASY I can tell you now, it is a roller coaster ride as you try to cram it all in and process it. Just don’t get in a HURRY, because there are some things that can’t be hurried.
You can’t get a baby in one month by having 9 women get preg, so it does take a certain amount of time! (((hugs)))) and keep on reading!
LOL Yer funny!
Thanks Oxy.
Peace and Strength!
PTSD,
Read Sociopath Next Door first.
The Betrayal Bond is more about how childhood abuse create traumatic bonding patterns.. or something like that.
Is it The Gift of Fear that you have? That’s a good one too.
Happy reading.
And BTW, too much reading can send your mind into a dark place where you start to believe that everyone is a predator of some kind. I went down that road for awhile. Be careful of that.
In the end though, you will learn to read the world and people’s motives much better.
Aloha
Ola! Aloha,
Since I’m not in any hurry to bond with anyone real soon “the betrayal bond” can wait. I am sure it will be enlightening when I do get to it.
I know exactly what you mean by thinking everyone is the bogeyman now. I also need to balance the obsession to read, read, read to understand and find some kind of closure. And the time spent ruminating is very troubling and unproductive. It leaves little time for light and energy to focus on enjoying life.
I am exhausted with it all today. Going home to cuddle of with my new pillows and read some more!
Take good care Aloha and all.
Ptsd, the time is not wasted, it is being used by your process of recovery…very necissary, although, like you said exhausting and draining…not much fun, either. I think hugging your new pillows and taking a deep breath, is a great idea:)
i was married to my 19 year OLDER exhusband for 23 yrs. he planned how to get rid of me and planned our divorce. never in a million years would i have thought he would be a socciopath narcissist manipulator i thought we had a prettty good marriage ,home, nice cars, vacations, we had a son, partys barbeques,family gatherings, freinds over..etc,etc.then the last 5 years of marriage turned HORRIBLE, HE TURNED ON ME SO BAD, IM STILL TRYING TO DEAL WITH IT. and its gonna be 2 years of Divorce. he hurt me emotionaly and mentaly to where i have checked myself in at a drug rehab for 3 months, i started using to hide the pain, but it only got worse. RUN RUN RUN if you are involved with this evil person,they are heartless and dont care at all about You.he couldnt just divorce me and say bye…he had to ruin me for life, take everything i love away from me,he lied to the courts and they beleive him, hes put me in jail ,shoved me out of my own house 115 degree outside with no money or nothing ive had to walk home , one day i walked 13 miles, i collapsed when i got to my aunts house. he plays mind games with me,hides from me when we go to the mall…etc etc i could go on and on.RUN RUN RUN they are scum of the earth …..COWARDS.
Starlopez:
Welcome to LF. There is so much good information and advice and others experiences here.
Your smack on with Run, run, run advice….
But often, so much damage had been done before we even put those running shoes on……
The spath also hid from me…..when we’d go hiking and for drives……he’d stop the car in the middle of nowhere….and I’d sit by a river and look back and see the car driving off.
Even on our honeymoon (uh helllllo) he hid in the forest and watched me try to find my way in Yosemite OFF a trail. Then he snuck up from behind a tree……with a snake in hand!
I was terrorized. 19 years of marriage later…..ya think it got any better?????
Here I am.
They portray the normal life…..as you described……and then do the discard when they are ready.
Yep….i’m pretty sure mine also did the same…..He is a drug dealer ( I never knew)…..and hid millions in cash.
Never did get anything nice for christmas or B-days….with his excess cash stache. It was HIS, all HIS!
They are all about THEM! Period.
It’s not the family…..it’s THEM!
You take care of yourself…..and take the time to learn more and more about CLuster B’s.
Lf is a healing community with good people, who understand where you’ve been and can hold your hand to where your going.
starlopez: I’m sorry for all that you have been through. This site helps so much. Everyone is ready to give you advice and support on what you need. Just feel free to write about what’s bothering you and someone will be there to help. Like Erin B. says learning as much as you can helps you understand better. It also reassures you that you are not alone.