Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
One of the first things my soc-EX said to me was “you are I are so chemically compatible” and later on we were lying in bed together and I mentioned that “you’re very animal, if you know what I mean?” She smiled and replied back “oh you mean feral! Yes I have been told this by guys before.” She was a tiny little thing but could beat me in arm wrestling. Then she would say things like “oh, you let me beat you!”
Testosterone…
I feel like such a gullible moron looking back at it all now.
frank lee – anyone of us could have written ‘I feel like such a gullible moron looking back at it all now’.
sexuality is such an intimate thing- as in private and deeply personal. the things that rock us can take us deep within. and that includes the words that appeal to our vanity.
i am making lists of:
red flags
lies
lies
lies
broken promises
all the ways i was conned sexually.
they are sometimes short lists…(except the ones detailing lies), but they they contain things that profoundly affected me – both when i thought they were real and true and when i realized they weren’t.
When I met my S I’d just gotten out of a 14 month relationship three months prior. I honestly wasn’t looking for anything, he had simply run across my page(searching for his next victim) when we met and yes he seemed too good to be true. He joined me and my friends for dinner the night we met face to face and my girls and I were talking about what we desired in a relationship and as I stated what I wanted I just so happen to look over at my former S when I ended my statement by mentioning being ready to be married. I swear that my looking at him as I said that was not my way of getting his attention, it just happened, but it was so weird because when I said that and we made eye contact, my stomach had butterflies. It was like we were speaking to one another without words, but now I know that he used my conversation with my girls as his source of how to hook me in and boy did he ever. When I got back to my hotel room he sent me this text explaining how much he liked me, how he wanted me to be the mother of his children, and wanted to marry me. I thought that was awfully fast to come to that conclusion, but I was flattered. Then three or four days later he asked if we could be exclusive. Two months later he was asking for money and within three months of being together the other women started popping up. I’d also started questioning a lot of what he’d told me about his background because things just weren’t adding up. I now believe that it is wise to spend atleast three months in getting to know a person before committing to anything because three months is enough time to see who they are, however six is better. A con man can only keep up the “good” guy persona for so long and trust me from experience three months is too long, but long enough for their potential victim to see them for who they really are.
Dear Breathless,
Three months????? I would say more like a year, and not only TIME but seeing people he works with, neighbors, friends, family, and getting to know these people, and if he doesn’t have any friends, family, neighbors or people he works with, then SOMETHING is wrong.
I knew my P XBF casually for 10 years, and I knew some of his friends and family and it still took me nearly 8 months to really get the RED FLAGS that he was a serial cheat! NEVER EXCLUSIVE with any one woman, had a wife + several GFs all the time, all his adult life.
So don’t set a time limit on it, set a getting to KNOW HIM in various situations limit. Check him out!
Ox Drover I never thought of it that way, but yes I will have to agree with you on that. One thing that I have learned in dating a S is that sometimes their family can not be trusted either. One is because I now know that this disorder is genetic, but also because I’ve found that family will know the truth about their loved one and not tell their significant other or atleast warn them until the bog boom hits and that REALLY bothers me. I assume its because they either don’t want to get involved or their afraid to say anything.
Dear Breathless,
I think both of those things are probably right on. But actually my BF’s cousin was the one who tipped me off he had a skank at the deer camp!
But, you are right, but sometimes you can see how they react to each other, listen to family “stories” get hints about things, see or meet ex wives and just get a general idea of how he/she interacts with people in their lives. Even neighbors are good sources of information, but KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR A WHILE! Even then you may get scammed, but many times they will give themselves away or you can observe interactions that will give them up.
At the FIRST LIE RUN!
Why do some leave and some continue to pull us back in?
setfree:
In my experience, mine left because I wasn’t giving him anything to feed from. If they think we are weak or have an area they can exploit, they will keep you around. I wasn’t with mine very long, but it was long enough to hook me with that chemistry that I cannot forget about. I tell you this because he even said to me, “I don’t know anything about you.” Therefore, he wasn’t able to manipulate me. I don’t tell men my whole life story. I think he thought I was different. He is used to bimbos just blurting everything; putting it all out there. I don’t know…I could be wrong, but that is my opinion.
They leave when they’re bored and think they don’t need you for any supply anymore. It’s when the new supply runs out that they test you again to get back-up supply and if their egoes were attacked to prove to themselves they can still can control you.
I have a very important question to everyone. Has anyone experienced the spath getting nice and pulling you in again when they were threatened? By threatened I mean in my case that he thought I was going to report him at work? I didn’t realize it at the time because I was stupid…I thought he was really into me again…NOT! But then realized it was because he was afraid I was going to report him and make trouble for him. He was appeasing me. And as soon as he realized I wasn’t going to do it, he disappeared again.
Speaking of reporting….hmmmm, does anyone have advice on this?? Should you or shouldn’t you???