Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
Hi eb
I personally would not start reporting having been down this route myself. He will know it is you and then will try and hit back, we know SPs are very vindictive. I have enough information to bury my SP, however, as part of my own ‘healing plan’ unless it impacts my children I do nothing now unless through the courts. When you were with the SP if a woman told you stories about him, you would not believe the OW, you’d think she was crazy jealous etc. So my own view, is to continue NC and that includes people they are associated with; they will find out eventually.
I have found this site amazing, I was married to a SP for 13 very long years and now I have educated myself by reading everything on this site, I just see what a fool I was. However if someone had told me the ex was a SP I would of thought they were nuts. Its only when the mask slips that you ‘get it’. Take care.
eb92044 – If he’s out of your life – stay away from the drama. You do not need any more shite. You can’t ‘fix’ her.
I had enough evidence on mine to take him to court – but why bother, it would have dragged MY good name through the dirt and for what? Yes they deserve to get caught but they are not worth the hassle. My advice is to runnnnnnnnn and not look back.
Movingon, in general I agree with you, about new or previous victims not believing you…I think that eb’s X is doing some illegal things at work….and not just messing with other women. I was referring to the stuff at the work place (which also included having sex with subordinates) and eb had said she was reluctant to report it as he ad a wife and kids and might lose his job and she didn’t want to hurt the wife or kids…
I’m like you though, they ARE vindictive if they know it is you reported them. My 40 year old P son still hates me from when I turned him into the cops at age 17 when he was stealing…so his life is ruined and all other crimes for which he is guilty are because his mother turned him into the cops when he was 17. DUH!
There are several articles here at LF about “to report or not to report” so it is a case by case decision by the person involved. Many times walking away is the best and easiest option.
It just depends I think on who he is hurting and how he is hurting them, what the proof is, is it a legal issue, etc.
There are LOTS of factors to take into consideration. I was only discussing ONE aspect of it.
I have been warned about Ps and didn’t believe it.
I have WARNED others about Ps and was not believed.
So, I’ve been on BOTH sides of the coin. Now, when someone warns me, I LISTEN WELL. LOL
Hmmm, I know, lots to consider. I have also felt like hey, I have come this far…just keep walking, but on the other hand, what he did (having sex with multiple subordinates) and is probably still doing is WRONG. He uses work as his trolling place. His wife probably thinks oh, he is at work, I am safe…HA!! That is where he is doing all the damage!!!
I will have to search for the articles about to report or not to report. I know this is a decision I have to come to once and for all and stick with whatever it is I decide. I just haven’t been able to get there after 10 months. I can do it anonymously and feel pretty confident he wouldn’t know it was me. He might suspect, but he will never know. And there are so many victims, it could be anyone! He needs to be outed.
Hi Oxy
I was recently reading the thread on ‘rumination’, going over things in your head, over and over again. Which I am sure we have all done, if only this, if only that, even though we know its unhealthy. I don’t think the SP in my life gives a toss about what he has put his own children through as we all know its about them. Recently the SP tried to get me sacked from work just because I whipped his sorry backside in court ..they will do anything once you know what they are, its war!
I am now getting emails (I have blocked him) from odd email accounts, I know its him, but hey hoy I just delete. NC, NC I know he is just trying to goad me, and he knows the buttons to press, I just have to control myself and maintain NC and hope eventually it will just get lost.
No one who has not experienced a SP understands, and when you try to explain, you can come across as the loopy one. My family and close friends know what the SP is and that is enough for me. I will never be the same, but I can spot a SP when I meet one!!
Eb – just be very careful, if you out him you must expect consequences, every action has a reaction and SPs are very vindictive. If you poke a dog with a big stick they will bite back.
I know its human nature to want justice, but you would need to think of all the consequences, he could take you to court, go the police, trash your car etc and I repeat they are very, very vindictive. If you do report him, tell no one, because we know they are manipulative and they will find out.
Just think through all the possible outcomes and especially think about your own safety and well being because a SP will take revenge. Take care.
moveingon:
Thank you…I appreciate your kind words. I have thought about it a lot and have had all those thoughts you have said…thinking about the aftermath if I do it; the consequences. I will think about this a lot tonight…
The rumination drives me crazy. I am driving my own self crazy with it.
Eb, read the rumination thread and the techniques to try and stop ‘thinking’, this may bring you some peace. I sense you are perhaps getting very stressed thinking about this SP and what he has done or is doing. As Candy says you can’t fix his wife, and he will not change whatever you do.
I know how you feel, tossing and turning things over in your mind but NC helps enormously and then the wanting justice bit, also begins to fade, it does become far less important. If the SP lost his job, he’ll get another one, and start somewhere else, he is not going to change, they can’t.
In the early days of NC I wrote a sort of journal, basically all the anger I felt addressed to him. Obviously I never sent it, but it got it out of my system so to speak. Recently I read my journal and I could see how far I have come. I was so angry and hurt, but those feelings have faded as well. Wanting justice and even revenge are both normal, check out some of the revenge sites (I thought about it) they are funny, juvenile and sad. Please take care.