Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
All three points I can now see was exactly what was done to me. First, assessing strengths and weaknesses. He knew I was going through a very painful divorce and overheard that I wished I had a good man who would really love me. Second, the crafted messages of how he would never hurt me like my first husband did and that my ex was a fool to ever let me go. The spath encouraged me to talk about what had happened and my feelings. He “cared so much” but yet would throw things back in my face during arguments or when he left me. He took those intimate things I told him and used them against me. He used them to tell me that I was crazy and that’s why he left. He is still using them to excuse his behavior. Third, he has used me up now, he knew I was getting tired of his immaturity, lack of a regular job, his constant need to party and be the life of the party so he took himself off and found someone who doesn’t know that much about him or probably doesn’t care.
Oxy is right, we were on totally different economic levels. He knew I had been in a marriage with a very succesful man and would be getting a settlement.His family was dirt poor literally. He loved that I had a great car, house and could buy things. He loved it so much that I was helping him out of the hole he was in because of his ex’s “stealing his money”. And when he helped me into bankruptcy because he never paid back any of the “helping out” he made sure he had someone who would help him out again. He has no need for me at the moment, he has gotten himself a job for now, he has found a woman who got life insurance money from her deceased husband. She helps him out by giving him a car, a car that he won’t pay for. I am sure that she is helping him furnish his apartment because I am sure that I am the wife who ‘screwed him over” according to him. So sick and I feel so sick that I kept letting him do that. I know that he moved on because I stopped helping him out and expected him to stand on his own two feet. I expected him to be man and that is something he couldn’t be. He could only be a shadow of a man. He had all the right words, he could have some of the actions but he had not the reality or real essence of a real person. I concentrate on the fact that he will never know what real love is like, he will never know what intimacy is or be able to have a complete life. That in a weird way is comforting because I know that after all he has taken from me financially, emotionally and spirtually, he can never take the fact that I can go on and have a real life, a complete life.
Jelltogether-you are exactly right about that. These men have taken up residency in our hearts for too long and they don’t deserve to be there. Yours was different than mine in respect that I didn’t have money for him to take. Mine had a lot of money and he knew that wasn’t why I was with him. He only preyed on me emotionally. I feel emotionally raped by him-if that makes sense. I have PTSD from it too-I think. THis has made me realize that I have to figure out what is wrong with me. The one thing that I know is that I AM NOT CRAZY!!
I am naive, lonely, nurturing, empathetic,loyal, loving and trusting. I have so much love to give but I present the PERFECT target for these guys and I don’t know how to do something about that. I can’t change who I am but I don’t know how to make myself not susceptible to them. I am terrified that I will never be able to stop doing this! It is SO hard when all you friends and family are married and partnered up and that’s all you want. I never knew that I ever wanted kids until I fell for him-but thank GOD we didn’t have any-even though that’s what I wanted at the time. I AM SO GLAD THAT WE DIDN’T!!! Then I would have a constant reminder and it would have been possibly harder to do NC!!!
Feeling emotionally raped is right on the money. It makes perfect sense to everyone here in this community. They take something from you that hits you in the heart, mind, body and soul. Believe it or not God was watching out for you by not letting you have a child or you would have to deal with him forever as many here can attest.
Yes jelltogether you are right on the child issue – t hey make lousy fathers indeed. I knew for some reason I couldn’t have a child with him – I rationalised that I didn’t feel safe with him but looking back now I think my body was warning me about his bad genetics – there is a wise part of us deep down somewhere I think. Ii am very sad I don’t have children but am not sorry I didn’t have them with him – that would have been hell forever.
And how he would have loved that control and contact for life.
Erin – they use our wish for children to manipulate us. Mine was always promising we would have children ‘one day’ and the years ticked by faster and faster. He had no intentions of changing his behaviour so I would feel safe to bear a child with him. He was selfishly using me for sex, adulation and attention, money and all the support and love I lavished his way. It was all a one way street.
I am sorry you didn’t get to have your baby – I understand that pain. I have met so far two surgeons and both of them exhibited antisocial tendencies and a God complex so now I will stay totally away from surgeons – they are far too arrogant for my liking.
I hope both you ladies are healing – sending some good thoughts your way. This is perhaps the hardest journey we will ever make but the most rewarding in terms of finally ‘coming home’ to who we always deserved to be 🙂
midlifecrisis-The ex was a trauma surgeon and all of this buddies were as well. His best friend was as evil as he was. I believe now that some doctors go into surgery as a legal and acceptable way to mutilate and cut body parts-almost like the teens you hear about that abuse animals. They are so OBSCESSED with social status and reputation that they know that their violent tendencies are socially unacceptable. Surgery is a good way to release that energy. I will NEVER go near one again. My ex and his best friend married acceptable nurses their own age but cheat on them with much younger ones. My ex’s wife was older, fatter, and uglier than me so it was a big blow to my already low self-esteem that he picked her in the end. It’s good that he did though, because what he did to me, he did to 3 other women before me. The first one happened in the beginning of his marriage and she takes him back every time. They deserve each other and it amazes me that it took her a year to find about us. His demeanor totally changed after we got together. He went from being total asshole before me to great guy when we got together. She can have his ass. He claimed of wanting to be with me forever and was planning our future until the first visit with the attorney-he comes home and says I don’t love you anymore-I used you for sex-you are trash-all of this Mr Hyde behavior in front of all my neighbors in the front yard. He is pathetic and ridiculous and tried to blame all this one his bad childhood. BULL SHIT! Anyway-good riddance to bad bad garbage. He is a POS that will never change. I was SO angry at first that she took him back, but now I am glad. If she hadn’t, he would have had a psychotic break and blamed me and could have come after me with violence. His behavior was like he just snapped! Scary! I’m glad I have two guns.
Erin yes I think you have something with the power they feel when mutilating others – the two I met were both plastic surgeons and women haters – they claimed to love women and highlighted the benevolent aspect of their work as ‘helping people feel better’ but I disagree – they are carving up bodies and faces and love the power trip it gives them. Both independently claimed that women offered sex in exchange for sex. Gross.
I am also suspicious of Doctors for the ‘God complex’ reason as well – they are well known to cheat on their wives with pretty little nurses.
He chose her over you deliberately for two reasons I think:
1) He doesn’t want to pay her out – she would screw him in a divorce after so many years … and
2) He knew it would humiliate you that he chose someone much less appealing than you.
My ex also did this trick. He picked a truly ugly woman as the next victim for grooming and someone I knew before and don’t like. This was designed to humiliate and bother me. It did at first but now I just remember what the poor b**ch has ahead of her and gloat a little in my own sweet way. Maybe it’s her karma to end up with him – who knows? She’s totally smitten and has no idea of the evil that lurks beneath that mask. He has selected her as she’s young, dumb, naive and overly responsible so she’ll do a good job of cheering him on, paying his bills and mopping up the endless messes he creates.
Just like I did.
The good thing about them going to someone else is that they now realise we see through them and there’s no more supply, money, sex, attention, sympathy, support or friendship coming for us. They know we are serious when they go to hook up with someone else.
As for saying he used you for sex and you’re trash – well he’s the trash. Any person who can bang someone with no feelings involved from their side is trash and quite frankly I’d rather be ‘called’ trash than BE a psychopath. One is an opinion (and a stupid one) the other is an unchangeable fact and scary as hell.
Wow Jell, look at your progress from just a week ago! You are doing so well, coming to terms and dealing. Remain strong, your on the right track! So happy to see that : )
I keep seeing how I walked right into it. Pollyanna innocent. Eew.
But I wanted a hero and he filled that role. Quite a story and who knows right now if it isn’t true? I don’t, but I’m not looking for it either. What is real is that he wasn’t. The story doesn’t matter. Its just noise.
Some facts remain self evident……
I come to that place where it just is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it except let it pass one day at a time.
I can function at life and I can understand what happened and why and all the rest is just to feel my way through letting go.
I think its not about being brittle or resistant to the feelings around loss or grief but rather the opposite of begining with the end in mind that the relationship was intolerable and that moving on is MY CHOICE.
Staying in it either in person or in my head is a decision that I have to make and execute. As long as I let him linger, its still going on. And there are so many ways to do that.
But, it would allow me to keep the fantastic hero who marched into my life and whom I might have allowed to make it all ok. But it wasn’t ok. It wasn’t real.
I’ve been lucky. And got a second chance.
Sure don’t want to waste it.
Doesn’t matter what he says or what he does. What is true is true. And there is nothing I can do to fix him or stop that. His fate and mine are no longer joined. The bond is released because I let go.
Not looking for him in the corners of my mind or bed or closet. Not pining that he isn’t here. He isn’t. That is that. Its a fact and I can choose how I respond to it. I can throw it in neutral and accept it- he ain’t here and he ain’t comin back. I have to get the dog and the trash out by myself. Well, I can do that.
So right before breakfast and the work day, I can touch base with this. Remind myself it MY CHOICE to go forward and leave the rest here for now.
Well, if it had not happened, I wouldn’t know. Now I know.
Some 27 years ago My S woman came into my life and swept me off my feet. She took me off the streets of Phoenix so I was already overtly grateful to her and she took me and push me into the roll she really wanted -that of her houseboy. I believe the other term is indentured servitude?I never wanted to be in that role but she wouldn’t have an equal relationship with me because that would take too much power away from her. It was always her way or the highway. When I got a job and on my feet I was already stuck in the mode. I broke away from her the first time and kept the door open long distance just enough for her to be in my life as a long distance friend. Amazingly enough.. I was always the closest to her when I was far away from her. She could parlay this fictitious visual to me. Being a Piscean and a dreamer.. she told me what I wanted to hear. She was so good at playing the Game. But the minute I would fly to Phoenix and be near her..the mask came off and she couldn’t come through with anything she promised. The fake was exposed. I saw that and fell for it three different times. It was only this past time when I started doing the research and realized she is a unadulterated sociopath! When I confronted her with it in an email.. she didn’t disagree. She answered me in one short sentence:”Yes.. and Do Not Contact me again” after I told her I never wanted to see her again. She knew this time she was caught. She didn’t even try to make up anything. This was proof that the old adage “The Truth shall set you free” rang true!I have been NC ever since.
Exactly what happened with mine.. he watched me, figured out what I wanted and said and did all the things to get me to pay attention to him.. while down playing reality..
I never quite bought his game.. but did enough to go along with it for awhile.. but when he saw that I wasn’t going to be taken over.. he slowly became the arrogant jerk that he really is.. and he could tell by my family interaction that he would be seen though soon.. they can only play their game so long.. I got out.. but it still affects me .. in that, he infiltated my life.. and I bought into his con dream for awhile.. I want what he created.. but he couldn’t actually make it happen.. he was a fraud.. and I he wanted what he created also… he bought into his own BS.. It looked good but had no substance..
I am sure he is off trying to con another woman… he needs a woman.. he needs that photo on his desk.. he is so needy.. so full of emptiness.. it was like he tried to fill himself up with my life..and he did for a year.. while I felt confused, ill, tense, occasionally happy and mostly frantic inside as to what what going on.. my instincts knew.. but he was enticing, charming and attractive and I bought what he was selling for awhile but not ever completely..