Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
Trimama, you are so right!! Let go, you can’t change them and they don’t care anyway, get the addiction out of our heads and the healing starts.
You are so correct, my best friend has been recovering in AA for 14 years has completed the 12 step programme, went last week on retreat. He told me years ago, let go of the anger, venom it changes nothing and destroys us as does any drug!
Once you let go, get off the SP programme, then the healing starts, you can only do that if you face your own problems, acknowledge your mistakes and accept we have been the enablers whether we realised that or not!!
Thank you.
It is interesting when you take a step upwards, above your spath you can see e manipulation more clearly. Yesterday I saw the most obvious attempt to make me jealous I had ever seen. In the past, in would have been his flirations as just a bad habit, but now I see that it is manulation not only for the woman, but also for the audience.
Eb, they are called functioning alcoholics (FA) they get by. My friend who was once a FA got by for 20 years until it took over. Unless they get help they will become full blown alcoholic eventually and/or they die. If they do not acknowledge they have a problem and have an enabler they will not change. My friend ‘shares’ every week in London, quite a few celebrities there, some no one would even guess, and many in their 20’s, and according to my friend getting younger. Addiction can start at any age.
Glad you are okay, take care.
setfree… yes the FOG lifts more and more, as you step away and take more distance. Before long you suddenly get a flash of them sayig something or pointing out something in particular that you onnce pushed away, because it was weird and yet unimportant… and suddenly you realize it was one of their tells. And as the layers of hurt peel off, you’ll discover moments rather early in the relationship where they were already trying to hurt you, testing you as it were… but that one little instance amidst the lovebombing went unheeded at the time.
Trimama, thanks for the link about crack. The P told me he used to be a crack addict but had overcome it. Yes, he did a lot of stuff to pilch money, and an IPod is unsafe in his hands, and he could stay away for hours. He had a twitching leg and foot, which he claimed to have been from the 3 months he spent in Nica prison where they had a game to tie someting to someone’s foot and put it on fire during their sleep. And his voice was ruined from pot smoking and the crack in his past. But the money used to go to pot smoking. I did wonder one time whether he was really off crack, but he said it was worse when he was on crack. And for some reason I believe him, though the last night I was in his town I feared the worst, when he returned to our room so degraded in whatever appeared human: pissing in the middle of the street, binging food with his hands and the food sticking around his mouth, and eyes like a wild animal, plus some crazy myth story about having been at some rich house and drug gangsters and guns I could follow only half through. But then there is the long period he lived with me in Belgium. Crack is not prevailant in Europe. It’s coke, pot and heroine in Europe. And he never avoided public places. I cannot be sure of course, but it is the one thing I believe of him. Some have mentioned that he’s they way he is because he’s an addict (alcohol, coke, …), but I always had this undercurrent feeling that while he abused, most of his behaviour stemmed from him, not the drugs… that the drugs were as much a mask to blame his ill behaviour, but not the cause
moveingon:
Thanks for your post about FAs. That’s definitely him. Highly functioning and the wife does enable him. He is from Liverpool and I always just chalked it up to how much the British drink in general (sorry, I think you are from the UK, not judging at all). As an example of what I am talking about, he got pulled over once here and had been drinking and he told me as soon as the cop heard his accent, the cop said, oh, you guys are used to drinking and let him go!!! But then he did get a DUI after that and paid a dear price for that with his license being taken away, etc. Also, during that time when he had to go to classes due to the DUI, he told me that he was told that he was a “3” (whatever that meant) in terms of how bad his drinking was and was told that he would either just stay at a 3 the rest of his life or it could escalate. UGGHH. Thank you so much again for your post.
eb92044;
My x-spath is from Liverpool and I was shocked how much that little guy could drink. He was also very recalcitrant about both his smoking and drinking, even though he knew both were taking their toll on him. How much, I did not realize until I fully learn of him.
However, when I first met him, he did try to minimize my concerns regarding both, which is typical.
behind_blue_eyes:
Amazing to me they are both from Liverpool of all places on earth! Coincidence?? Makes me wonder.
Yep, this one can drink a lot, too and he is also a small guy.
They really are just sad sacks, aren’t they? And they make everyone around them sad. He told the OW once (she told me this) that his family would be better off without him and that he only disappoints the people who love him.
Eb and BBE,
FA’s loads of them, but you can tell if you get close, they have a ‘smell’, covered by aftershave, perfume etc, they still they have that ‘smell’. For the SP I think the drinking is a symptom of the stress they are under keeping up the pretence, obviously the majority of alcoholics are not SPs.
My ex SP was a big drinker a FA, when under the influence, did all the tears etc, pathetic really. Also originally from Liverpool ..must be a breeding ground! His mother is a SP as well (also from Liverpool), violent and I even cleared up her sick and she hit me in my own house, drunk of course. She left the next day ..I did a dance ..my only thought ‘I will now never have to have any contact with this thing ever again ..and I have the perfect excuse’. Not her version of events of course!!
Going through the divorce got a copy of SP’s father’s will (due to SP lying), SP mother had not told any of us what was in the will who would check) and not paid a penny to any of the 4 grandchildren (12 years after his death), she was sole executor and she stole the lot ..who does that, nothing more than a thief. When caught ..’I did not try to defraud anyone’ ..oh yes she did ..also from Liverpool ..scallies as they are called in the UK, simply a thief and liar ..then the normal, deny, deny, deny, caught red handed!
My children can’t remember her, thank you God, she was a me, me, me bore, and eaten up with jealousy. My SP learnt his lesson well from the SP mother.
Eb, glad you are okay, stay safe. The UK has a binge, drinking culture, even though my children (18, 16) have been ‘locked up’ in catholic boarding schools (one a monastery) since they were 13, drink is readily available. My son (16) his tipple is gin and tonic (apparently) and my daughter a glass of dry white wine preferably Chablis or Sancerre, the stories they tell me!! Could be worse Ketamine, Coke etc ..all easily available apparently! They are both home from school tomorrow evening, and they will not be getting G&Ts ..for supper ..they can dry out!!
eb92044;
Was your x-spath raised in a Council Estate? I remember reading somewhere that a shocking percentage of UK Council Estate fathers are sociopaths, thus putting their children, especially sons at a high risk.
Remember too, Liverpool was a rough city in the 1960s and 1970s, even well into the 1980s. That also puts children at risk for sociopathy.
Online, I met somebody from Liverpool who looked very much like my x-spath, enough so that when I first saw his picture, I thought here we go again…
The resemblance was so strong, I asked this guy if he had any cousins that were also gay. He said no.
There were many qualities to this guy i liked, but there was one big red flag: emotional coldness and lack of any meaningful relationship history. I keep my distance from this guy.
eb92044;
My x-spath “warned” me is several ways, the most obvious being that he actually told me he “takes time to warm up to people…”
Yet he was so charming????