Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
That was very attractive part of them, mine told me, he is very private and never talks personal stuff to others, but now with me, he can’t stop sharing his life. I thought what a special person I am, the guy who is charming and private, is open with me.
But after we split, I found out he had a long list of women in his life, with whon he shared and asked them to keep quite about their relationship with him. But exposed him, as soon as we got married, but I beleived him that this woman was jalous of us, and she was trying to ruin our marriage. Again I was wrong.
myheart;
Mine told me the “I need to be more open like you…”
I thought from the few very private details he provided me, I was “special” to him and worthy of his trust.
Of course the very important things he did not tell me, I had to learn those on my own.
Keep in mind that being “private” or “shy” and revealing limited information is classic sociopathic manipulation…
moveingon:
This is crazy! I cannot believe your spath is also from Liverpool and his mum, too! I think there is really something to this. Very interesting.
Mine never had a smell. Actually one thing I loved about him I noticed is he NEVER had any type of body odor. None whatsoever. Or bad breath. I always wondered if all the alcohol killed all the odor causing bacteria…haha!
I’ve heard about the binge drinking culture among the youth over there. I hope it doesn’t get too out of control.
Dear Kim: yes! This is the second time today that someone mentioned LAA. So it is a message I need to heed.
In fact, the person who mentioned it is attending a meeting on Saturday and I hope to go.
This is one more piece of the puzzle in the healing process.
I don’t want to overlook any resource.
And I don’t want to get stuck in the blame game. Yes, my ex is an ass. But I need to heal me, just not from him but from the childhood issues which allowed a vulnerability to someone like him.
I learned much of this from The Betrayal Bond.
So, thank you for the reminder of LAA.
I often go to NA mtgs. because of the focus on Twelve Step work. I began attending these with him, when he wanted me to believe he was clean. He is long gone from those rooms but I still go. I find great wisdom and humility there.
“eb92044 says:
moveingon:
This is crazy! I cannot believe your spath is also from Liverpool..”
Does that make three of us here with an x-spath from Liverpool?
Yes, Movingon, let’s heal.
In the end, focusing on anyone but ourselves delays that.
Believe me, I have spent a LOT of time investigating him and labeling him and blaming him and all kinds of him-focused activities.
I had to make sense of it.
So okay, enough of that.
Time to focus on me!
behind_blue_eyes:
Hmmm, I do not know if he was raised in a Council Estate. I did not know what this was until I Googled it. I see it is pretty much public housing. The only thing he ever told me was that they did not have inside plumbing, but was that normal in the 70s in England? I don’t have a clue. I am thinking though that he was NOT raised in Council Estate because I did hear that his mom just moved out of the house they lived in when he was growing up. His dad died 13 years ago so she finally moved I think in 2009. Thanks for bringing this up.
Yes, I am aware that Liverpool was pretty rough. He was born in 1967 so his main “growing up” times would have been the late 70s into the 80s. So the city has cleaned up its act now?
Wow, so eerie that you met someone online who looked just like him! Does make you wonder if they are distant relatives and maybe this guy just isn’t aware of it. I have also seen many English guys who I think resemble mine and wonder….hmmm, are they related somehow very distantly? Or is it just an “English” look?
Good for you for keeping your distance from this guy…we are learning! 🙂
behind_blue_eyes:
Yes! It looks like three of us with Liverpudlians as they are called!!!! HAHAHAHA! I can’t believe it!
trimama:
It is time to heal us. I think we all get there once we are just so sick and tired our brains hurt from trying to analyze them. I am almost there…