Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
hens
my x had a history of suicide threats, cut his wrist on my front porch because i would not let him in and to prove how much he loved me.. it is the ultimate pity ploy because I fell for it the first time, I thot wow this guy must really love me to do that ~! well after close observation of his wrist there were many old scars…after he was gone one of his x’s told me he cut his wrist at a gay hotel, blood was everywhere, the police came and took him to a mental hosp. I have read about ‘cutters’ they do it to escape their reality…very very very sad – a big part of me feels sorry for him still – it was because I felt sorry for him the relationship lasted 3 years..poor guy I really do hope he is in a better place now, it sure didnt work with me.
Louise
Hens:
Sad story. Take care.
hens
eb9 – it was 3 years of hell, i felt sorry for him and feared him at the same time. one day he was everything i wanted in a relationship the next day he had stranger’s in my bed while I was at work – kick him out – let him back in – helped him more than i ever helped anyone financially.. he left with all my ssn..bank acct..on and on i could go…at the end I had lost close to 30 pounds, i was not functional….his mother warned me tho..she said be careful he is a boogerman. I dont know if he was a spath or what…I still wonder if he loved me, but his demons controled him…I really lived in fear for about 2 years after he left….
Louise
Hens:
Unbelievable. I don’t know if I saw it on this blog or somewhere else, but have you ever heard the saying, “Hurt people hurt?” It really does make sense. It doesn’t or shouldn’t condone their behavior, but hurt people are going to hurt others. Oh, I better clarify that before I get in trouble…hahaha! Not ALL hurting people will hurt others, but a lot do.
I hope you are much better now and no longer live in fear.
hens
oh yes I am much better – Donna and her peeps at LF put me back together better than I was before him..But it is nothing I will ever forget. No I dont live in fear of him, but I am aware of him.
Louise
Hens:
Good to hear!!!
It’s smart to be aware…
one/joy_step_at_a_time
okay you two – break up the pity fest for the spaths.
i know that the only better place for my spath is 6 feet under.
i am not sure if using the ‘hurt people hurt’ idiom when talking about spaths isn’t anthropomorphizing.
they may suffer because of their lack of empathy (but that doesn’t mean they aren’t having ‘fun’ in their own spathy way).
spath and molested as a child: sad, but still a spath.
spath and had a really bad family: sad, but still a spath.
spath and not able to to keep a job: sad, but still a spath.
lots of us are ‘hurt’; we have been molested, treated badly by bad people and are a mess because of ti. we drink too much, we drug too much, we may have not have access to education, etc. we may act badly toward ourselves and others. BUT WE ARE NOT SPATHS, we are hurt people hurting others.
if they personally suffer because of their lack of empathy, some also are gleeful when they hurt others, and the rest just don’t care. and i don’t care about them, but what they do to the rest of humanity.
best,
one joy/step, who is not done hating on their a**es.
trimama
The concept of enabling, raised here a couple posts back brings up an important issue.
If we are to heal, rather than to remain stuck by ranting, we need to acknowledge our role in the fiasco we called a relationship.
Yes, they took advantage of us. Yes, they were assholes.
But we had something to do with that as well.
We had vulnerabilities that made us targets but we also allowed a lot of stuff that many other people would not have alowed.
We enabled things. Yes, we did…on some level that did happen.
I speak for myself here, but some of you will see that I also speak the truth.
darwinsmom
Yes, I enabled him, more than I ever enabled someone else, more than I can imagine myself enabling anyone. In some way I tried to halt it, but he always found some way around it: the threat of the debtors coming for him and knowing i was his gf, lending stuff (including my own) to the one he was indebted and I could only get it back if I paid for it, and when it was his he would use something I would regard as valuable for him and I did not want him to lose it…
I enabled him, because he manipulated my fears, my care and my feelings of what is mine stays mine.
hens
trimama – I agree with you 100%.