Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
Yeah, let’s face it…THEY are evil, but we had to have some part in it…there is some flaw in us to have allowed them to manipulate us. We are all flawed; we are human, but we enabled them for a reason.
eb, they manipulated us because they’re good at manipulation and because nobody is born knowing, are experiences in life which give us knowledge. If the experience really gave us a lesson and we lean it, the psychopathic experience is a positive one that teaches to be deeper in our reasoning (not to stop it in the appearances no matter how good they can appear) and to be good observers of human behaviours.
And they’re not evil, they’re unconscious people.
Eva:
I did learn a big lesson; no doubt. It was a lesson I needed to learn and I think I am almost at a point where I am glad it happened.
In a recent e-mail. Jerkface is asking that he have EVEN more parenting time with Jr. due to the fact that summer vacation is coming, I will be getting more time (I am a teacher), and he is STILL unemployed.
He is also concerned that Jr. is not adjusting well to day care and doesn’t think it’s “fair” that Jr. gets to stay with me all summer, when I am on vacation, but Jr. has to stay in Day Care part time, while he has been unemployed for 6 months.
Please critique my response before I send it.
“Jerkface,
Adhering to the agreement is in Jr’s best interest. It is best that his schedule has consistency.
Additionally, it has been my experience that Jr. would rather stay home with me. This is clear from the way he cries and latches on to me during recent exchanges.
In addition, Jr. is benefiting from preschool. He is adjusting well and seems happy to be there. He is making friends and learning a lot.
FAD”
Thanks.
FAD
Enabling- urrrrrrrrm interesting. Yes I can say I enabled him. How? I trusted him, gave him money, a roof, car, job infact EVERYTHING because when he came to me he had nothing.
But I thought he’d fallen on hard times and I was trying to give him a ‘leg up’. I wanted to share what I had. I was brought up to share with those less fortunate and I get a lot of pleasure in helping those who need help. I really do not need anything in return, it just gives me a fuzzy feeling to help others.
Maybe I think that if ever I was on rock bottom someone would help me out of the well.
Problem with spath is that no matter how much we help them – it’s never enough. It’s all take, take, take and after a while our head wakes up to the fact that we have this huge haemorrhage of our finances and emotions which has to be stemmed before we ‘bleed’ to death.
Trimana, absolutely correct I enabled my spath by taking responsibility for everything, in the main because I couldn’t trust him even to post a letter (I found unposted mail in the garage). By taking responsibility for everything, (what did he have to worry about), the house and the children and when he got in a financial mess I stepped in and sorted it all out, while ‘he found himself’.
He is now in another huge financial mess and the new ‘current wife’ as he refers to her has provided him with a roof over his head, remortgaged a property etc, he just hides the rest. So she is now the enabler and she believes the most ridiculous lies because she wants to!!
Spaths do not like to be exposed, then the trouble really starts vindictive is their middle name. So I don’t do anything other than via the courts. I even sent bailiffs into the current wife’s property, no sign of the spath, he then claimed ‘harassment’ as a judge told him 5 times ‘No Mr X, its called enforcement’.
Despite owing tens of thousands of pounds he recently put a bank statement into court to prove he had paid child maintenance (first since July 2009), the bank statement showed he had spent £1,400 on rubbish in 1 day ..head in sand. I believe he spends vast sums of money to make himself feel better, play the ‘big I am’, whatever, his problem now.
I was an enabler, no longer, his problems are no longer mine (violent when confronted), the pity me ploys continue (no one cares, certainly not the courts). Its the ‘entitlement’, arrogance and sheer delusions that they ‘can’ and stuff everyone else.
The spath tries to rile me to get a reaction, that is when grey rock comes into play, also he has no control over my children or me and he does not like that. When the sh*t hits the fan, he’ll just move on again and find another ‘current OW’ to lie to. He cares for no one but himself, I care for my family and what few friends i have left and that is what I concentrate on, healing the mess and havoc he has caused.
FAD – my opinion, take out any ’emotional stuff’ in emails, i.e. remove sentence 3&4, just facts, don’t give in any ins. A spath reading your email will then say ‘what proof do you have he cries at handover’, sucking you back in, further exchanges then follow.
Hope all are safe with the tornadoes and flooding, take care.
FAD – I agree with moveingon. The emotional stuff just give him ammunition to come back at you with. How about …..
‘Adhering to the (court) agreement is in Jr’s best interest.’
He really does not care about Jr (sorry) this is all about making YOU pay. He’s unemployed and bored so it gives him some drama to wind you up.
Eb – ignorance is bliss as they say. We are no longer ignorant, the spaths have opened our eyes to a whole different game which we didn’t even know existed.
We are less happy but hopefully not forever, certainly less trusting, but changed.
Our innocence of faith in our fellow man has diminished and the spath has left a stain which cannot be removed, we just live with it.
My take on this experience anyway. Hope all is well.
moveingon:
All is well here. Getting ready to watch the big soccer match between Man U and Barcelona.
I know I am forever changed even if in a small way. I don’t want him to have that much power over me, but you put it in a good way when you said our innocence of faith in our fellow man has diminished. That without a doubt is true.
Movingon and Candy,
you are so right about enabling. More than any other bad behavior, spath behavior literally REQUIRES an enabler.
An alcoholic or drug addict might be able to continue using without an enabler, but a spath can’t spath without being enabled. It’s almost the definition of spath: to be a parasite, which requires a host.
They look for the most responsible person they can find and that’s who they latch on to. Then they proceed to take away your power to do anything else BUT enable them.
It’s an interesting behavior because they could actually get more out of us by allowing us to keep our self worth, or continue to make our own lives better. Being the kind and empathetic people that we are, we would continue to share whatever we gain. But spaths don’t want that. They want us to focus ONLY on them and giving THEM what they need. They know that they are a bottomless, black hole that can never be filled and that can’t give back, which means that eventually we will run out of money, self-esteem, love, will to live – EVERYTHING and then they will detach themselves and go find a new host.
The will keep an eye on our broken corpse though, just in case there is still some life left in it. If they see it wiggle a bit, struggling to come back to life, they’ll jump right back to suck that last little bit of goody out of us.
FAD,
You need to put up a sign above your desk. It should say,
“”NO” is a complete sentence!” And call it your words to live by. Use the shortest possible reply to jerkspath.
“Adhering to the agreement is in Jr’s best interest.”
No emotion or explanation is required.