Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
Wow Sky – Your third/forth paragraph is a novel/film in the making!
FAD – also remove ‘Jerkface’ from your email start (LOL), it is another in. If he cared about Jr he would make an application to court for additional access, listen to Candy, he is just winding you up, using Jr as the hook ..he will never stop until you stop responding. Spaths know every button to push, and yours is Jr.
He is a loser, lose him, he’ll move on to his next victim soon enough.
Candy, LOL!
You mean a horror film right?
The title:
Return of the Parasite!
Actually parasite isn’t the proper word, there’s another word but I can’t remember it right now. It differentiates between a parasite that sucks and one that kills. Spaths are the latter type.
Too right Skylar, Candy we were too nice for our own good and it backfired on us spectacularly.
How spaths like a ‘drama’ especially if they can wade in and play the hero, in their deluded head anyway. My spath claimed in court in January that he was looking for the body of his nephew who had allegedly jumped off the Menaii bridge on December 28th 2010 and was therefore unable to pay child maintenance because he was distracted.
Judge to idiot ‘what has that got to do with this case’ ..pity me ploy ..I hasten to add he has never seen this 19 year old since he was a baby! Talk about any excuse …tried the same pity ploy 2 months later ..judge rolled her eyes ..and rather sarcastically said ‘Mr X, unfortunate, but irrelevant’! Any drama, to latch on to. I’m sure he was flying the helicopter with Prince William …who is stationed in Anglesey ..total t*sser as they all are!!
You have to laugh at our own stupidity sometimes, the stories we believed …cos we loved them and thought they cared!! Bunch of thieving, lying, bas*t**ds ..I have somewhat moved on ..I hope!
All the best.
Of course we were too nice for them. That’s why they liked us. We gave them everything they wanted until they grew tired of us.
i feel bad.
After 6 weeks NC, and starting to feel so much stronger, today for some unknown reason I called my SPATH.
We talked for 15 minutes. He said he was depressed because he lost his job. Talked about his job loss for 15 minutes. He said he realized he was stupid for sleeping with his bartender. Then he had to go, said he’d call me back. Six hours later he hasn’t called back.
This hurts.
It shouldn’t matter to me if he is a spath, a schizoid, a paranoid, or whatever. The truth is, he doesn’t love me back the way I need to be loved, and I’m only hurting myself by reaching out to him and wishing for something different.
Tears.
SK
Hmmm, I refuse to take all the blame of the enabling onto myself. I also refuse to think of myself as “too nice”. I want to be caring, loyal, supportive and helpful.
The only real mistake I made in my opinion was be caring, loyal, supportive and helpful based on a
– sudden glamouring of “poor clumsy guy with a golden heart” about someone I did not know (he did the glamouring, and the response was so strong I threw all caution in the wind)
– by letting him be his own reference, verbally and in body language
The belief in me that he was a good, but unfortunate guy was so strong in me at a too early stage that caused me to actively want to help him up again. Once that happened, I enabled him, but I cannot see how I could have stopped that. He was too skilled in manipulation to stop it from happening.
Superkid:
Oh, SK…I know this feeling all too well. Six weeks is good; you were on a good path, but sometimes we need to get knocked down just one more time to realize they are just not into us. I did it over and over again. It would be the same type of exchange you just mentioned…I would contact him and he would be cordial and it may even turn into sexting or something, but then he would just drop out again. Or I would text and ask if he wanted to meet for a drink and he would say yes, but when the time came, he would say he couldn’t make it 🙁 It was all soooo disheartening. The last time we had contact over two months ago, he was the one to actually make contact, but it still never amounted to anything and then poof…nothing for two months. I refuse to contact him. It is obvious I am NOT a priority in his life. Did you ever hear that saying…stop making people a priority in your life when you are only an option in their life?
(((((((((((((superkid)))))))))))))))
I’m sorry you put yourself out there again to be hurt. I think you do know why you called him, but rather not say to yourself, because it went against your reasoning capacities.
You just had a high need for the illusion, you are addicted to… to hear his voice, to share life, to feel loved as he once faked convincingly.
Remember, you are addicted to the lovebombing bond, to the ocytocine cuddly feeling. And isn’t it perfectly human to want to feel loved and cuddly? You were only a human trying to reach out for a cuddle. Next time, please for your own sake, give yourself a good hug, or call a very good friend and meet up and give them a big hug. My best friend and I always hug intensely, even placing each other’s hands on our hearts to share human warmth.
Right now, that is what I’m doing with you…. holding you in my arms. It’s alright, you can cry on my shoulder. And then I lay my hand on your heart to ease its pain.
That’s what it is…we so longingly want to recreate that bond we THINK we had, but we never really had anything. It was all fake, all a lie, but boy did it feel good. I still want it all very badly…that beautiful English accent, soft voice, his wonderful hugs, luscious kisses. I know they are spaths, but how can they fake it that well?? How? It always (falsely) made me want to believe there was SOMETHING there. I mean, how could he fake that? Then I realized it’s because he’s almost not human. Some demon that was just sent here to earth to hurt me.