Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
My SPATH was really excited by extra marital sex. He was happy with me until he moved in and then it was over and there were lots of promises, lots of discussions around bonding and trust and the whole time he was using me as the one in the background who he was stepping out on. I got convinced that he was being considerate and real to me and that the depth of my feelings were reciprocated.
But there were the others on going. Hundreds of them.
This guy was a wild ride.
He was already married to somebody else too.
The truth will out!
We had everything to gain together and all he had to be was the one thing he could not: REAL. I will never understand why he fouled our nest so horribly, but I can’t fix it or him.
It doesn’t matter what the story is. There is no plausible excuse. The only answer is no answer.
On this side of the fence, we just have to accept, that is the way it really is. even when it hurts.
I just got turned on to this site as I went through the checklist on a sociopath and believe that my soon to be Ex is one. How do you know for sure though? We have 2 children whom I refuse to allow him to visit without supervision. He is trying to convince others that I am crazy and denies everything as if it didn’t happen. My kids are young and the DSS was involved at one point but closed the case because my Kindergartener can’t disclose what his Daddy did to him. But I know in the pit of my stomache that something happened and all I can do is fight him through the courts but I am worried that he is soo good at convincing others that they will by his story. He took a polygraph and passed it which makes this even more complicated. I am scared for my children and my own personal safety as he always seems to get away with everything. He has a military background as well which makes him even more dangerous. How do I get people to understand and examine him more closely? I feel like it is all up to me to expose him!
dear how2
I can feel your fear and frustration. I can relate to the question that causes you to ask the question about how you know for sure.
Having been through a divorce I can relate to being fearful for my son and wanting to be sure I protected him and his interests in the process because Dad is a Narcissist with a self medication problem….I got confirmation about him through family counseling resources because we both went together and the woman we worked with recognized him.
The first thing may be to get yourself a really good divorce attorney. Check their ratings and references. Check their records and then make it very,very clear that you are afraid for yourself and your children.
The legal system is difficult to navigate and when you’re scared, is no place to go it alone. I will NEVER regret what I spent on a good attorney. he wasn’t a therapist, but he helped me to make sure that I was able to achieve my goals in the legal system.
There are theraputic resources listed here where you can find people who understand what you are dealing with. Make sure to comb the site for books and resources.
Get good advice and come here for information and support.
You are surrounded by others who understand the feelings that come with this and I bet there are some here who can share experiences which will be helpful to you.
They sure have for me and it has been a very, very good thing for me to be here.
Don’t forget to breathe!
Maybe all of you out there can help me figure this man out- he spent the 10 years of marriage in denial. Lying, cheating, alcohol, pornography were normal events. He had no remorse or guilt of doing these things to me and many times would re-write history. I would catch him cheating and then he would deny it happened – almost dillusional! He was cold in bed and I couldn’t figure out what was the problem sexually, there was just something off – emotionless. He almost looked evil and it would scare me. We stopped sleeping together and I always had an excuse why I didn’t want to have sex. I had a gut feeling he was living a double-life. Always coming up with reasons to leave the house. I caught some homosexual web sites on our computer that freaked me out! He never showed any empathy when I was sick, he would almost get mad because I couldn’t do all the things I normally do especially taking care of the kids. He hated Holidays for some reason and would never surprise me. He would just ask what do you want and then tell me what he got for me. I started questioning who is this man that I am married to? He has a violent temper and when he made me cry, he would mock me and laugh instead of having any sympathy. I started to hate him. He has a very polished exterior. Smart, good-looking, charming, energetic, good conversationalist, superior sales ability which is why he is so good at his job as an investment broker. NObody would beleive me if I said he is a true Spath. I feel very alone in this battle to protect me kids from their own father. ANy advice?
Dear Howtodeal,
READ READ READ, get the books here, especially (in your case) SNAKES IN SUITS, learnoing about them KKNOWLEDGE=POWER and that is important right now, until you get your emoitional feet under you and feel your child is safe.
Ps are not homo or hetro, many are just SEXUALLY motivated and will “screw anything” they are neither gay nor straight.
Everything you say about him sounds right on, and he apparently has a good mask he wears when outside his home. This may be the worst hurdle you have to fight is getting him to lose hold on that maskk in from of SIGNIFICANT witnesses, like the juddge.
It is IMPORTANT that you not come across as “crazy” (and he will try to make you look that way) God bless you and give you strength to fight this battle for yourself and your child.
OxDrover,
re sexual issues and the sociopath, is that always the case? That they are highly sexualized? Or are they like the rest of the population, some have high libidos and some not so much or at all?
Zen, Dr. Leedom did an article on the fact that many Ps seem to not be too specific what sex they are having sex with, of course NOT every one is highly sexed or bi-sexual,, but it seems to be more the case with the Ps than with ordinary folks. Some are SEX “ADDICTS” literally. There are some similairatites in them, more of them are ADHD than the general population, more of them are bi-polar than the general population, more are left handed as well. There are several things like that that are “markers” but not DEFINITE and not “causal” either. Just things that have been observed in a greater number among Ps than would be found in the percentage of that same kind of behavior in the general population.
I know the Trojan Horse Psychopath (ex cell mate of my P son) who is a pedophile (convictions X 3 with young children) was grooming a 12 year old male child before his arrest so I figure he would swing either way, and he was also having a S&M affair with my now-X-DIL. He was also contacting Russian Bride agencies as well. They have no loyalty to anyone or any thing and so sex is sex to them, so some of them at least don’t care what they are having sex with, or who. They sort of use the partner’s body to mastrabate with, there is no “joining” with any partner. If that makes any sense.
OxDrover,
Ah okay that does make total sense and thanks for the explanation, I’ll look for Dr. Leedom’s article. You’ve been ‘around the block’ with dealing with this issue. You know I wonder sometimes how people keep their own sanity being under such terrible stress. I thought I had lost my mind while dealing with my alcoholic husband and was being treated for PTSD.
While I was searching online for insight on my question, I found this at a sociopath blog. Interesting re the brain issues and comparing to Asperpargers. Tell me your thoughts on this:
http://tinyurl.com/yh76fd8
“My son is an aspie and after study and experience there are some similarities on a neuroscientific level between the sociopath and the aspie which from what I have seen lies in underactivity in the limbic system for both. Differences between the two lie in the cortex and spinal base. While an aspie is sure to have some abnormality in the autonomic nervous system (which can vary between inactivity in some and overactivity in others) the sociopath consistently shows an inactivity in this part of the nervous system making their emotional responses to their environment (and stresses thereof) often erratic.
Then there are differences in the cerebral cortex but not many. Under or over activity in the cerebral cortex is seen in Aspies effecting in some emotional labile, attending,sequencing and perservation. More severe there can be epileptic seizures and some large motor troubles usually not associated with ASPD but are associated in some cases with aspies. There is also some marked differences in activity coming from the parietal lobe in Aspies where this part of the cerebral cortex remains uneffected in most healthy antisocials.
Finally (but probably not everything worth mentioning just the end of my knowledge on this subject) There seems to be in both some slight to moderate overactivity in the temporal lobes. This is going to be the big one when it comes to catergorizing from a high functioning or a low functioning Aspie and antisocial. You talked about memory loss in one of your posts I think … the fact that some of your memories are like a haze. It’s not that you can’t remember but rather that you can’t grasp parts of it. Underactivity in the temporal lobe is associated with memory loss long term memory as well as loss of libido and extreme passivity (devil may care kind of attitude) while overactivity and a will likely still cause the same memory loss but libido is extremely high as is aggression. The deficit here in Aspies is usually an over activity while ASPD show some varying between underactivity and overactivity.
From a neuroscience level there are quite a few similarities however the quantity of differences means little when addressing the qualitative effects of those few dissimilarities. If you were to stand 5 people in a line of 4 antisocials and 1 aspie it would be easy to pick the aspie out. Just start engaging them.”
An issue so intense with me is that I never felt sexual attraction to him.. and I am highly sexual…meaning sex is important to me in a commited relationship…
His kisses were bad.. he used his tongue like a lizard.. I would cough when he kissed me.. his touch at times, felt claws.. yet he was handsome and we had fun togther..so I thought at first that something was wrong with me… although previous to him. I had a very good sexual relationship with a man..
But this guy felt distance in his self.. even as he was telling me over and over how much he loved me and how beautiful I am.. I didn’t feel it on a sincere deep level.. therefore, could not give my body to him.. and this body awareness helped me in the end.. had I connected with him in that way.. it would’ve been harder to disengage..
I think that he had sexual issues… he wanted to always be in control.. and again while he was handsome.. he has no sex appeal at all…
Dear Zen,
Thanks for that link. I really am not all that up on the neurochemical stuff that goes on with either aspies or Ps, but I do know a FEW things—and I emphasize FEW—from what I have READ (Dr. Leedom did an article about oxytocin research) Oxytocin is the “bonding hormone” and Ps have enough of the hormones but NOT enough of the receptors, but I think that there are PROBABLY MULTIPLE chemical and neuro transmitter differences in them that “make them what they are” and some of these I think are “turned on” by puberty (sexual hormones and development) and some by “environment”–or possibly environment turns some things OFF that would be protective. I think the research is in the infant stages though it has made a lot of progress I think we are FAR from having all the answers.
Right now, All I can say that I TRULY BELIEVE 100% is that there is a BIG genetic component (identical twin studies have shown from 50-80% of identical twins raised apart, if one is a P so is the other one) I’d also like to know HOW HIGH IN TRAITS the ones are that are not “full blown” Ps.
TRAUMA and EXPERIENCES have impacts on the brains that cause not only chemical changes but rerouting of neurons as well. Some of these are lasting and obvious. Some are seriously impairing, andn some not so much. STRESS of any kind changes the functions of the brain/body.
I’d love to be around in 100 years and see what medical science has learned by then about a lot of these things. As much as we know about the human body/mind, the subject is so complex, we haven’t even scratched the surface I think.