Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
trimama:
Yeah, it’s tough to do for women. We release oxytocin when we are with men. Why don’t the stupid men release this chemical??
FightAnotherDay –
I am with moveingon, candy and Skylar.
Take out: “Additionally, it has been my experience that Jr. would rather stay home with me. This is clear from the way he cries and latches on to me during recent exchanges.” and “He is adjusting well and seems happy to be there. ”
No emotion. NONE. It just gives then something to play with. As Sky would say (at least I think it’s Sky – maybe it’s onejoy? Now I’m feeling old and confused…anyhow, whoever it is -)
PLEASE DON’T FEED THE SPATHS!
eb92044 _
” it’s tough to do for women. We release oxytocin when we are with men. Why don’t the stupid men release this chemical?? ”
But they DO! It’s the right balance of oxytocin and dopamine that KEEP people bonded to one another – not JUST oxytocin during/after sex.
While women’s bodies do have a few more and different USES for oxytocin (breast-feeding, labour, etc.), men’s bodies also release this hormone (sometimes called the “cuddle hormone”) that helps to keep them “mated” with one person.
Dopamine is really important because too much or too little can cause all kinds of problems (in both men and women), including sexual addictions and perversions, where “normal” sexual relations just don’t do the trick anymore. It’s a bit like drugs or gambling, where the hit or the risk needs to be increasingly greater in order to get the same rush; it’s not so much about the money with gambling, as the “high” of the win.
eb, men also have oxytocin release during and after sex. But on average women release more of the hormone than men. And I woul say women who are deeply affectionate in personality will have the most effect of it.
But healthy men too have oxytocin release and bond.
It’s the spaths brain where there is something wrong with the brain receptors for oxytocin. They can’t bond. Not to anyone.
darwinsmom:
you said:
It’s the spaths brain where there is something wrong with the brain receptors for oxytocin. They can’t bond. Not to anyone.
I believe this is true. There were very serious and detrimental issues in our relationship the whole time we knew one another, until I threw him away, and not one time was there ANY compassion. Oh sure, there was that ‘narcissistic’ ‘psuedo’ compassion but as time went on, whatever caring was there eroded away and I began to see the REAL PERSON I was dealing with.
I think it took having my life laid on the line, by him, to really open my eyes, and even then it was difficult to ascertain the truth from all the lies. The only thing that really helped me was getting him away from me and keeping him away from me, before I finally opened my eyes and started to see SOMETHING. Before I started to live FOR MYSELF. First time in almost five years, it isn’t 24/7 all about him. I am telling you, it was like I was being held captive but not physically, with chains, or locked away somewhere – I was locked away inside my own mind. Emotionally and mentally. His control of me was overwhelming. It was all done mentally and emotionally.
A lot of ‘betrayal bond’ issues. Instead of my being a seperate entity from him, I became his obsession and possession. He felt he had the right to dictate my life to me and like the good little, mind controlled FREAK I was, I followed right along because I was after the acceptance and the affection. That is where this horrid existence we have been living comes from…THEM. Let’s call it ‘combat stress’.
Let’s color it or liken it to a person drowning in the ocean – you go to help them and rescue them and they take you down while you try to rescue them. You drown and they float on top of your dead body, with no remorse nor conscious. They control us literally, with whatever it takes and tell us every beautiful thing we want to hear. They base their treatment of us on their perception of what we want or desire in our life and they facade that until they have us controlled. That’s why when the ‘end’ comes, it is usually sudden. Because they never truly cared in the first place. That’s why when the shock of the experience finally starts to truly sink in, we end up in the spots we are now in, emotionally and psycologically.
Like their change is up to them, OUR change is up to us.
We can continue to live this way with them or without, with our issues and them still controlling us or we can stand up and refuse.
Just because you may be in a state of NC does not mean that person is not on your mind 24/7. Pay attention! When it gets to be like that, SEEK COUNSELING! It isn’t something you can get over by yourself. Trust me.
Refusal is what I am in the midst of; no, let me rephrase that:
refusal is what I did on May Day and what I will always continue to do. Their behavior is unacceptable. Period. No explaining or education or awareness can change that: they did the actions, sick or not, and they are responsible for their own actions. Just like WE are responsible for ours. That is the way our society is set up. There are consequences for our actions.
The same holds true for all of us.
Sure, we have been damaged, injured, in severe, horrible ways,
but WE HAVE A CHOICE TOO! We can choose to live with the ruminations and hell they have poured on us OR we can choose to turn our heads and walk away and make OUR LIVES better because of the horrible, ugly experience. Once I make it through that ‘ring of fire’, I am not going back. It has been too difficult to get over this and I am not going through it again. With nobody.
When I saw Donna’s show on television, I was absolutey STUNNED.
I could not believe what I was seeing. Her story is somewhat similar to mine, although I never lost any great sums of money. In my circumstance, it was more about his controlling me and the sex. While the whole time I thought he loved me, I was being used and deceived and then when he was finished with me, tried to kill me and left with mean ness and spitefulness, which was never called for, with me.
The only reason he comes around now, or did, until I told him no more, was because he was being nosey and wanted to know if I was going to press charges on him or not. He wanted to ‘swoon’ me which unfortunately for him, just didn’t work. He KNOWS he is in A LOT OF trouble, legally, from the things he has done to me. I am aware (completely) of my rights and because of my legal background, can adequately ascertain the issues surrounding such legalities. HE KNOWS THIS.
No. It’s an extreme sickness and until THEY decide to do something about it, nobody else can help them. And anyone who gets sucked into their storm will gain a secondary kind of pstd and narcississim for themselves, just by the mere association. It’s true. No matter how we may want, wish and pray that it weren’t, it is. And, the sooner we accept that, the better off we are going to be.
When I think of the ‘bond’ and ’emotional’ aspect of our relationship, at once, I also remember that he has tried to kill me, while the whole time, telling me he loved me. I remember all the ugly and horrid things that surrounded him, inside and out, and it convinces my heart to stop weeping.
Think about it.
DUPED
aussiegirl:
I thought I remember reading that men do not produce oxytocin during/after sex? Oh, well…thanks for clearing that up for me! 🙂
Some stuff about oxytocin. You probably read that male voles are not effected by oxytocin… but human men aren’t voles.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin
http://scienceblogs.com/neurotopia/2009/11/oxytocin_its_also_for_boys.php
http://scienceblogs.com/neurotopia/2009/11/oxtocin_the_love_molecule.php
The last article had an interesting twist. Oxytocine has influence in how much we trust people, even if they appear facially neutral… rings a bell?
Hi all,
My response was.
“Adhering to the agreement is in Jr’s best interest”
To which, Jerkface replied:
“FAD,
That would be what is in your best interest. Jr.’s best interest would be to see his parents equally, 50/50. I will be seeing you back in court soon.
Jerkface”
One particularly on the levels measured in men
http://scienceblogs.com/neurotopia/2009/11/friday_weird_science_oxytocin_1.php
the basics
http://scienceblogs.com/neurotopia/2009/11/oxytocin_starting_with_the_bas.php
The female counterpart in men is thought to be vasopressin:
http://www.vasopressin.com/marital-harmony.html
http://thenewviewonsex.blogspot.com/2008/04/oxytocin-vasopressin-and-tale-of-two.html
More on vasopressin
http://www.thefashionablehousewife.com/03/2010/monogomy-in-men-and-the-vasopressin-receptor/
the allele receptor difference explained in laymen speak