Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
Fad – just wrote a whole load of stuff and lost it. Brilliant. You gave him nothing to feed off in your email so now he throws his toy out of the pram and threatens you with court. Please think carefully if you intend to respond to his email (personally I would not even acknowledge it cos he’s only having a go at you).
Junior’s best interests? Huh!! You know I feel so sorry for the kids in this situation because spath just uses them as pawns – sickos.
Juniors best interests……well if spath wasn’t such a SPATH, he could start being a father!
So pleased that you ‘stood up to him’ with your brief email and WON this ’round.
he lost control, fad… well done!
FAD – do not respond, it is empty threats to goad you. No contact, no ammunition.
Take care of you and jr.
Thank you for your praise and support : )
I need it.
Especially after this one…
I am simultaneously being harassed with this:
FAD,
I did not want to make a big deal at the doctor’s today because Jr. was there, but I have some concerns. When I took Jr. to the doctors on Wednesday for the bump on his head, the doctor informed me that you brought him in at previous time to see them. You stated that Jr. said to you that I hit him when he goes poop in his pants. First off, Jr. has never pooped in his pants when he has been in my care. Secondly, I never hit him when he has peed in his pants. If he has an accident, I sit him down and have a talk with him. I do not appreciate you making false allegations against me. Just like you said in your email dated February 14, 2011, “It is best that you stop making false allegations to better the parental relationship between you and I for Jr.’s sake.” This stuff needs to stop. It seems that you are continuing to not try and foster a loving relationship between Jr. and I, and to do everything in your power to make me look like a bad father. You can not take everything a 3 year old says as the truth. He is 3, you can ask him a question and one minute he says one thing and the next its a different answer.
I do not appreciate you taking Jr. to the doctor’s without my knowledge, or staying behind after I leave. Back in February we had a discussion about us both being at all of his appointments, you especially stated this, and now you go behind my back and take him and make these allegations without me present. I spoke with the doctors on Wednesday, I obviously told them this was not true, as they said they already new that.
I also wanted to bring up you taping Jr.’s doctors appointments…this is insane especially since this is his doctors appointment, and as I do not consent. For the record, you can not hear on a tape recording if someone is laughing, especially if it is under their breath. You would need a video camera for that.
I am not sure if you are aware, or if it is something that bothers you…but Jr. loves us both the same, and loves being with us both just as much. I never talk bad about you to Jr. or in front of him. I always make sure to talk only positive and nice things about you to him. You are his mother, just like I am his father. Jr. should not be put in the middle, or be brainwashed in anyway to make the other parent be shown in a negative light. This will be detrimental to him, and have very bad effects down the road. We need to think about Jr. and do what is best for him. It would be easier on everyone, especially Jr., if we could get along, as we will be in each others life for a very long time.
Jerkface
To which I replied:
Jerkface,
I have never taken Jr. to the Doctor’s office without your knowing. Nor did I make allegations you of spanking him, or imply that he had pooped his pants.
I called the office with some potty-training questions, and only mentioned that Jr. says that you spank him when he pees his pants. I insisted that Jr. had told me this, but I had no way of knowing it was true.
If you had brought this up at the Doctor’s office the Doctor could have confirmed this.
FAD
And so”
FAD,
The doctor would have confirmed what? That you were only calling the doctor’s office about potty training questions and then randomly told them that Jr. says I spank him when he pees his pants? The doctor originally brought up the issue of the allegation against me when we first met on Wednesday, which means she confirmed that you made an allegation against me that I indeed done so. As far as I know, Jr. did not call the doctor and tell him that himself. He is only 3 years of age. Therefore, it is an allegation because you took what he “supposedly” said and relayed that message to the doctor’s office during a potty training Q&A on the phone with them. If you were so insistent on knowing the truth, you should have come out and asked me. Rather than relaying it to a third party first. Once again, poor parenting at its best! There needs to be way more communication on your part regarding Jr. if we both want to successfully co-parent him from here on out. I would thus appreciate you asking me any questions or concerns you have regarding these sorts of matters before nonchalantly telling a health care provider, etc.
Jerkface
Hopefully my response gives you a good look at what REALLY happened.
The divorce is settled, along with custody which is a good thing, so it will be a while before I actually wind up in court. It his attorney even considers it. AND I won’t have the bone-head Judge we had.
However, I worry (even though I shouldn’t) that my unresponsiveness will be seen as uncooperative. You and I know I don’t respond because much of his “co-parenting” is baiting. I NEVER tell him when/if I am having problems with Jr. as he would say one thing and then do another to intentionally upset the apple cart. Continuing to put Jr. in the middle.
We all know that HE IS brainwashing Jr.
Examples to date are telling me that Jr. told him another child was grabbing his balls and getting Jr. to perpetuate his own lies.
FAD – have you tired using our family wizard for communicating with jerkface?
http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/
One/joy
I asked my attorney to push it through with the Law Guardian, I guess she didn’t think it was necessary.
It would be nice.
As it is, our agreement states he is not suppose to be communicating to me EXCEPT regarding Jr. in a Journal (which HE never writes in and his wife only makes brief statements in.)
I already knew I did NOT have to respond to this threat. No response is required.
FAD – if everything is settled and he wants to change the court order then he has to apply to court. This is tit for tat and meaningless, and a waste of your energy. So Jr pooped his pants all children do that, by continuing the war of words will only mean Jr is interrogated when visiting his father.
Call time, stop communicating, keep any emails sent to you, I know this is hard but he keeps pushing your buttons and he is getting a response, you need to try and stop. Reading his emails to you is him just sounding off. Try and look to the future, I have a 16 year old son (no contact with spath for 6 years), my son is a young man doing great. Jerkface will hopefully get bored, just grit your teeth and ignore.
Take care.
FAD – whilst I see there is a need for some sort of communication I suggest you keep it minimal ie boring. For instance ….his email…..it’s all about HIM. It’s not really about Jr. Or am i missing something. It’s all about HIS image.
He is questioning what YOU do – well hell, you know YOU DO A GREAT JOB.
He wants you to consult him…well excuse ME. I don’t think so. IF your child tells you that he’s been smacked then LISTEN TO HIM.
So….in response to the email how about a one-liner ie
‘Adhering to the agreement is in Jr’s best interest -see you in court.’
Tell your solicitor that spath is baiting you, and get it recorded that you will only respond to spath with minimal contact.
FAD – if you are only supposed to be communicating via a journal – you have to stop communicating any other way. right?
darwinsmom:
Thanks for the articles on oxytocin. I have some good reading to do!