Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
OxDrover,
Thank you, very interesting re Oytocin. I agree re the genetic component from the little I have read. I do believe that the issue is just not a matter of character it goes far deeper IMHO than that. That would be fairly simplistic.
I worked in a non profit for most of my career and worked with an organization that took interest in brain research. At one conference I attended there was a speaker that had written a book entitled Ghost in the Nursery (I believe was the title). It was very interesting in regard to trauma very young children experience and how it affected those children long term.
I find brain chemistry and other brain research fascinating. Not sure why but I always want to know the ‘why’ of things how/why things work I guess. I have to take the time to read more of Dr. Leedom’s articles. I’ve read several but I need to go back and read more thoroughly.
Dear Zen,
Me too! I am very curious about the workings of the human brain and I find that the body effects the mind and vice versa. The differences in me, the ME that is my thiking, my ablities,, etc. from pre-and post PTSD are becoming more interesting as some of those symptoms and changes slowly come “round” and I heal, but I do find that I am more easily set off by high stress, and I have to watch myself and avoid imposing more stress on myself, even if there is no external stress there, my own thinking can impose it.
I am not nearly so quick to recover physically or mentally as I was once upon a time, my short term memory is like swiss cheese, my spelling is worse, my hand eye coordination sucks now, and my word finding when I speak is poor, more poor even than my writing. Not sure why that difference, but it is there. These things all happened “at once” (only worse than now) at the death of my husband in a plane crash here at our airport, and have slowly gotten better, but still I am DIFFERENT now than before.
In some ways, better, but the things that interfeer with my functioning (like my mind not working like it did) tic me off at times, but I am learning to accept those differences even if I don’t like them. LOL
OxDrover,
I was also diagnosed with PTSD and it has been horrible really dealing with it, I am far far better now than I was. I was a manager for many years had hundreds of employees, had a huge budget but after the PTSD I was a mess! I kept thinking I KNOW I’m not this stupid! I still panic at times when in new situations. I was at the grocery yesterday and parked my car went into the store and was accosted by a man when I was halfway across the store and this man said to me, ‘are you driving the silver SUV?” Well at first I though omg the car was hit by this man but NO. I confirmed that was my car and he said ‘didn’t you see me waiting for that parking place, didnt you see my blinker?’ I thought uh NO I didn’t and thought you came across the store to confront me about such nonsense? I said whatever it took to get away from him but then I began to get a panic attack that got worse and worse. I still had several errands to run but wasn’t able to do them I had to go home.
Everything seems to be on the same plain, everything has the same importance whether it be the cake fell or someone dies it’s all the same. I have severe problems with startle reaction. It’s just beyond belief that I could be in this state but I am. I’ve lost about 60% of my hair due to the stress, it did begin to come back but then I had some setbacks so it began to fall out again.
The other thing I have problem with now is my sense of direction of all things. Very odd.
Dear Zen,
I can relate to the increased stress. I had to retire as my short term memory went to crap and I literally could not read for the longest time. (Not good to take other’s lives in your hands when you have no memory) Had episodes of amnesia that lasted for several hours at a time, just “lost” those times and events that people would tell me I did or said and I had NO memory of it. Felt like I was losing my mind!
Slowly it is coming back. My son D who was also in the aircraft crash and was severely burned has PTSD as well. We both had memory problems and still do though we ARE BETTER.
The startle response has decreased for us, and my son C has PTSD and his startle response was TERRIBLE a year and a half after the event where he had a gun pointed at him when his wife and her BF were going to kill him (he had been living out of state til then) He came home to stay with me and his brother and got better, didn’t jump everytime the wind brushed a limb against the house.
I’ve only had one panic attack, and it was terrible, but once you realize what they are, you can talk yourself down from them (I know they are still terrible) I also take an antidepressant and so does my son D. Unfortunately my other son refuses to take antidepressant medication or to get therapy.
I can see how you would be upset and feel attacked by that stupid aggressive man. I would have felt the same way I think, except I would probably have called the store manager. I am more assertive about that kind of thing.
I also understand about not being able to distinguish between a real emergency and the cake falling. Very normal with PTSD.
I have fewer bad days than I did have 5 years ago, but my stress didn’t stop at all (after my husband died, I had the death of my beloved step father, all the chaos and drama with the rest of my family and the various Psychopaths that were trying to kill me, bankrupt me etc. So actually, it has only been a couple of years since it STARTED to come into FOCUS and I saw what I was deallin with. In themeantime, I have gotten rid of every dysfunctional creep in my rolodex including my mother, both my biological sons, even the one with PTSD I can’t save him from himself and if he wants to lie, he can lie to someone else, I can’t handle it. Had a pretty big melt down over that one in Dec. and January. But you know, I had to face it, accept it, and keep on trucking.
We have to put OURSELVES FIRST in our lives. DO what WE need done.
I wish I could work, but I turned in my license because I know I am NOT reliable enough, not capable enough, and so my income is very low, but since I don’t owe a soul a dime, I get by in a pretty nice level of poverty! Land and house rich, and cash poor, but fortunately, I don’t have any trouble with shopping at Goodwill and raising most of what we eat! Lots of people have a lot less, so I am very fortunate. I try to count my blessings and to THANK GOD for keeping me safe!
The friends I have left after the clean out are great friends and I have even made some new friends and am looking after myself physically and emotionally as well. KEEPING CONTROLABLE STRESS as LOW as possible. I can tell the difference in how I feel. EAting better, stopped smoking, exercising some more (that helps) and not ever saying “Yes” when I mean “No”—being NC with those that would hurt me or devalue me is very important! It was hard to do it, but now, I have NO desire to break it!
Hang in there Zen, don’t know how long ago you were diagnosed or so on, but keep going to therapy if you can at all, and medication does help a lot. Be good to yourself and when you do have a “trigger”like the man about the parking place, process through it after things settle down. God bless!
thank you so much OxDrover,
I have felt so inadequate because of it. It all started about 5 or 6 years ago. I don’t know if you’ve heard the term ‘workplace mobbing’ but that is what happened to me. I was not coping well at work due to my home problems with my alcoholic husband and then it started with a few of my staff at work. I finally quit my job after 20 years because I couldn’t deal with the stress of what was happening. I saw my doctor and was told I had PTSD.
After being home for a year or so recovering from that trauma and still not well, I finally filed for divorce. I went back to work at a job that was a very long way from my home, long commute.
More stress my soon to be ex began to threatening to kill me and had people calling my home 24/7 threatening me. I tried to get a restraining order to no avail. At the same time my divorce became final my husband died unexpectedly due to alcoholism. I began a relationship but ended after a few months. I went on a short vacation with this person and during the vacation I became very ill (everything was crashing in on me) and I had zero money. Then only 6 weeks after my husband died, my mother died unexpectedly. I was beyond myself. I had so many problems with coping with daily life it was awful.
Among all this insanity I met my SO and decided to move across country. You said KEEP CONTROLLABLE STRESS as LOW as possible? LOL Well seems I’m not too good at that one!
I never did take meds for PTSD although my doc did want me to take prozac but I didn’t take it. Did take St. John’s Wort and it did seem to help though.
I was surprised that I had a panic attack because of that man maybe because he embarrassed me in front of a lot of people I don’t know? But I am not working now, I am on a limited income and my SO takes care of a lot of the bills so things aren’t horrible. I just have to get a grip ! Joking!
God Bless!!
More manipulation: it never ends. Why can’t these people just level…they lie even when the truth would serve them better.
My daughter and my X cleaned my house of what they wanted when I walked 3 years ago. The judge ordered nothing to be taken until the hearing to divide property. Of course, this meant nothing to my X. They took my personal photos, keepsakes, movies and all items they wanted. My daughter took many, lied and said she didn’t have them. I’ve even found my coasters at her home, she handed me one to set my drink on! Yesterday, a huge game went down of her texting me to say she was shopping for my GD a new ‘big girl bed’. The pictures were posted on FB and guess what? The furniture is from my house! Yes, it was from her room when she still lived at home, but why the lies? And in the picture, I can see my X husband’s arm leaning on the bed! The only shopping that was done was him bringing the furniture to her house. But, why do these people insist on playing these huge head games with all these elaborate fabrications and drama? I am glad to see my GD get this…I would have given it to her, had it been left in my home. So…all these games/lies/deception are just not necessary. All part of the huge game these people call life.
Dear Twice;
You KNOW what it is all about! Being in control! manipulation is what they do best.
Why did my ex S woman string me along for 27 years? She knew she didn’t want me..but she didn’t want anyone else to have me either. All she had to do is say”I am sorry I am just not that into you and I never have been”. Then I could have gone on with my life. But no she had to pull on that string… My Chain.. to keep playing the game.
Dear TB and Oxy,
Im so glad you brought up the subject of PTSD, as Im sure I still have it. i was feeling pretty stupid and dumb and guilty yesterday, as I gota nasty email from my SIL,{who is turning out to be not as “nice” as I made him out to be in my mind.!}
He had found out that i had contacted one of my daughters best buddies, G, from Ds days of living pt. time in a squat. This episode Im referring to was just before my daughter “banned’ me from her facebook page, but kept on this toxic ex girlfriend.The girlfriend, G, had written on Ds facebook, “We didnt give a shit, did we,D?” and my daughter had replied,”No, G, we didnt give ashit!!” I saw it, and put in the comment,”maybe you two didnt give ashit, but I can assure you, your dad and I did. Thanks to the two of you having that party in our absence, in which the house was wrecked, the furniture smashed and broken, the pool filled with broken bottles,flour, sugar, and eggs thrown at the wall, where they set like cement, a fire extinguisher set off, ruining th carpet, my washing machine and dryer scored with knives, and worst o all, my art studio destroyed for the second time.My paintings painted over,f ramed watercolours of mine smashe,{th eglass was smashed to fine it was like powdered glass, my suede coat painted over with swastikas {with black oil paint, swastikas all over the walls, with Slut, bitch,etc, written all over the walls of the house.}G had actually puncheda hole in the wall of our new front porch! So, for mentioning this incident, I was”unfriended” from my Ds facebook, but G was kept on it. Later, I found G had her own facebook page, and shed written that she hadnt hada drink in 7 years, and that she was now a born again christian. So,{I know it was stupid!} I contacted G via her facebook, asking her if we could meet for coffee,andId try to get some understanding and closure on these terrible event which still haunts me to this day. I was stupid to think shed changed, she hasnt. Despite me asking her NOT to tell my D Id contacted her, G then contacted D straight away,with the result that D removed herself from all the families FB pages, including that of her 3 kids.She also told my SIL who now thinks Im a stupid idiot, and is angry with me.he also found out that Id contacted a former work colleague of Ds to try to find out her present address,{he claims not to know it, and Im sure this isa lie, -he HAS to know it to drop off and pick up the kids.}So, HE is furious with me, angry that I still refer to her when he is trying to get her out of his life, but he is frustrated that he CANT do this, because of the kids.Yesterday I emailed him that I had only been trying to get some kind of closure from G and D, but I now know Ill NEVER EVER get closure, and that I have to stay NC with her for ever.he has to “suck up” to her, in order to get her to look after her own kids at the weekend, and let him off the hook, so he can drive over to see his new GF,3 hours drive away. So, now Im faced with the fact I may now NEVER get to see my Gd kids, via him, as hes got the shits with me.Ive seen them twice in 18 months.Im now feeling terrible, because I looked at that stupid facebook, saw Gs comment, straight awya I got a panic attack, and was back in that destroyed house, with my ex having an asthma attack with the stress of it all.I have to forgive myself, and move on. I know now, NO looking up facebook, and its BETTER I dont know where she lives.Im now wondering if my SIL isa spath, or Narc,or just adversely affected by having lived for 15 years with my toxic daughter!Having a hard time not to beat myself up today, and now Im doubly upset, re my G kids,{if Ill ever see them again.} Love, GemXXPs Having my paintings destroyed by her felt like an attack on my soul. To this day, I havent managed to be able to paint again.Maybe its jealousy on her part? can you imagine such rage, jealousy, fury, to do this to your own Mother? Are they even human?Pss ,MY SIL smoked pot for years. Do you think this has affected him now? he wasa lso a very heavy smoker, but gave up a couple of yearsa go, at his new Gfs insistence.Howstupid I was to EVER think Id get any form of closure, its gone back to my daughter being the poor little victim,{not!} and me being the wicked witch again.I sure Oxy, TB, and caroline can relate to this.
My sociopath not only knew exactly what to say or do but he knew just now to touch me to set me on fire. I had never been able to orgasm prior to him. With me being 36 and him 52, I never dreamed that the sex would be like that and I did learn that I AM much better in bed than I thought I was. It’s amazing that the one who used to give me such pleasure makes my skin crawl-and NOT in a good way. I get the creeps now when I think of him touching me. He did choose his fat ugly wife over me to humiliate me but he was primarily afraid because she had threatened to drain him financially. He went from crying over him ruining his marriage one day to the next day saying “that bitch is gonna take me for all I have” with such venom and hatred in his voice. The next day he’s crying and asking her to forgive him. The idiot had no idea what he was really feeling. I am glad though that she took him back. The day he left me was as close to a psychotic break as I’ve ever seen. He SNAPPED. I believe that if she hadn’t taken him back after all his crying, begging, pleading and sending flowers everyday, I think he would have snapped to the point of losing all touch with reality. I think then, I possibly would have had to use my gun to protect myself. I know that if she hadn’t taken him back, I would be fearing for my life. It’s still in the back of mind that if she bailed, he would come after me. His social status was his obscession and I think that he would go to ANY lengths to protect it. I do make sure that I watch my back and that I’m careful of my surroundings. The advantage that I have in Louisiana is that if I had to use the gun to protect myself, I would pretty much get off without any problem. It would take some work for him to find me. I still remember the day he moved in after she found out about us and kicked him out. His demeanor really freaked me out. He was crying but at the same time, there was a coldness and a little anger mixed in with something very evil and scary that I can’t even put into words.
Question: how do you handle feeling REALLY TRIGGERED here on LF, by someone’s comments that you know are totally ignornt and self defeating and you want to really slam her? but you know she’s just a victim too, of sexism and stupid shit, and you feel sorry for her, but also know she’s the enemy?