Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
conomo
I WAS ASKING YOU?? DIDN’T MEAN TO IMPLY THAT YOU WERNT….
witsend
Gem,
We can’t help feeling the way we feel. And thats what a trigger does….Kind of takes us back…. To that same place, and we react with the same feelings, we had originally.
Its impossible to avoid all triggers. Sometimes they just sneak up on us.
But it might help to avoid hearing what your daughters friends have to say. Just don’t put yourself in that position. Avoid these people or avoid FB or wherever you communicated with them or read their communications. Because you know ahead of time this kind of stuff will hurt you and trigger you.
As far as your son in law is concerned I know you communicate with him to keep in touch with your grandkids. Try and not talk to him about your daughter at all. Keeep it all about the kids and how much you care about them. And how much you miss them.
You are NOT overreacting. These people are hurtful to you. Avoid them if at all possible. Do that for yourself. Because you deserve better.
witsend
ptsd,
No being ADHD or being bi polar does NOT mean that you are a spath. ALOT of criteria needs to be met before you can be diagnosed with any one of these. Let alone all three of them.
conomo
You seem ok to me..
conomo
YOU STILL HAVE IT SO TOGETHER WITSEND
geminigirl
Thank you so much, witty. I know your right, and Inever should have looked up that FB page. Curiosity definitely killed the cat! Its almost like two fairies one sitting on each shoulder. One is saying,”Have NOTHING to do with your daughter. She isa toxic B–ch. she will drag you down .She doesnt givea rats behind about you. She truly hates you. Stay away from her!’ and the other fairy on the opposite shoulder is nagging, me, saying,”Call yourself a Mother? Dont you even CARE where your daughter is living now? If she has a job? If shes eating right? If she can afford the rent? Your her Mother, your supposed to forgive ALL, and love her for ever!”
So, sometimes one fairy wins, and sometimes the other one does.One step forward, ten steps back! Thanks for being there! Hope your doin OK too!love and {{HUGS!!}} Gem.XXX
conomo
I appreciate your clarification wits…I still feel like a spath for what? being me and being a target for the ????????????? God can onlly help. He told me once he WAS GOD..”Do you know where your children are??” I know we all have the scary////scarrry lines …
super chic
gem, your question might be another one that would be good to ask Dr. Leedom (the link is listed on the left hand side of the page)… maybe she would post a reply that would benefit all of us. I have heard that “anger is unresolved pain”, when you also mention feelng sick, scared and fearful then I think perhaps there is more needed to heal this experience for YOU, in addition to the No Contact.
The feelings you mention are how I felt after we had a severe earthquake here in Southern California, I know if I ever feel that again I will fly right into complete panic and fear, do you know… I wouldn’t sleep in my bedroom for over a year after that happened, so it’s like… when you walked into your house after they trashed it… it was like an earthquake… like you were hit by a tornado, a war zone… the things they did are deeply disturbing… so when you read that comment on Facebook you ran smack into your PTSD!! You should and can get help for this!! You have suffered 30 years, I don’t know how one goes about releasing this pain, I would be interested in finding out myself! Maybe a therapist who has worked with war veterans? It is a subject I don’t really know anythng about, but it seems to be overwhelming and is making you suffer, maybe more than you realize. Sorry I’m not being helpful, but I don’t like seeing you hurting, and there must be somebody that can help!!!!! xoxoxo
ErinBrock
MamaGem….
I think key word was ‘closure’….we just don’t get it!
I know its different dealing with the issues with my parents vs. the S ex.
It feels more intense of a betrayal in a sense, because it’s family…. (to me)
I don’t know…..
But…..we don’t ever get the closure we are looking for….
So, I suggest….as Chic does…..just go on…..for the G. kids.
Don’t bring it up….don’t look to dig up anything further…you have enough info to KNOW……you need no further confirmations….
Try and get yourself to a place where you no longer speak ‘about’ her to peeps who are either involved in her or know her…..
Have that funeral!
People want to have their own memories and relationship with others…..they don’t ‘jump’ on board….no matter how wicked they have been…..no one sees themselves as that persons (S’s) next victim.
Time wakes some up…and they realize what their dealing with…..time also lulls others back into denial.
Your not crazy…..your processing……your looking to heal….
I’m still proessing how my parents dealt with my brother molesting me…..and that was about 35 years ago…..I shoved it so deep……the way they handled it…..it does surface….and your pain is just coming to a head…..
give yourself a break….don’t be hard on yourself….we live…that’s how we learn…..your learning darling!!!!
Keep a smile on that beautiful face…..
XXOO
EB
ErinBrock
Wits:
It’s tough……but your tougher….so be gentle to yourself…..and try to find some peace, while your kiddo’s gone……
I’ve had a meltdown with my eldest….just waiting for the ‘countdown’…..he’s still on the fence….for graduation….
But….I just can’t ‘quit’…..just yet…..some days I think he’s killing me….some days I can cope……
try and keep your balance, as best you can…..
Cuddle the pups and be good to yourself…..
Know I think of you!!!
XXOO
EB