Snakes in Suits—When Psychopaths Go to Work is a new book published by Dr. Robert Hare, the international expert on psychopaths, and Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist. Although the book is primarily about psychopaths in the corporate world, it contains important information for anyone who is dealing with one of these predators.
Chapters 3 and 4 explain how psychopaths manipulate their victims, and it’s absolutely chilling.
Hare and Babiak describe a three-phase process psychopaths use in their parasitic approach to life. This isn’t a process psychopaths have to plan, they do it naturally. Here’s how it goes, according to the authors:
- First, they assess the value of individuals to their needs, and identify their psychological strengths and weaknesses.
- Second, they manipulate the individuals (now potential victims) by feeding them carefully crafted messages, while constantly using feedback from them to build and maintain control. Not only is this an effective approach to take with most people, it also allows psychopaths to talk their way around and out of any difficulty quickly and effectively if confronted or challenged.
- Third, they leave the drained and bewildered victims when they are bored or otherwise through with them.
Psychological game
As a result of the manipulation, the psychopath establishes a “psychopathic bond” with the victim. Here’s how Hare and Babiak summarize the manipulation:
The psychopath’s psychological game involves analyzing the individual’s expectations and desires, and then reflecting them in a psychological mask that is so convincing the person bonds with him or her. This bonding can take place very quickly, even during the space of one cross-country airplane ride. There are two payoffs: the psychopath wins the immediate game by gaining the person’s trust, and the victim, now in the grip of the psychopath’s power, will soon give up whatever the psychopath requests or demands.
If you’ve been victimized by a psychopath, you’re probably trying to figure out how it happened. Read Snakes in Suits, especially chapters 3 and 4.You’ll find your answers.
Lovefraud mention
Snakes in Suits includes a sidebar about Lovefraud.com in the chapter about personal self-defense. I greatly appreciate the reference.
Another note—although I draw on the work of Dr. Robert Hare in Lovefraud.com, I’ve chosen to use the term “sociopath” in place of his use of the word “psychopath.” The reason is that most people assume a psychopath is a deranged serial killer, which may prevent them from realizing that the spouse, relative or coworker who is making them miserable may have the personality disorder. My purpose is simply to enhance communication.
Erin, Darling, Im glad that my happiness warms your heart, because YOU warm my heart! You are such a sweetheart, so tough but so vulnerable and honest and real.
I LOVE YOU TOO!! Be happy, its our best revenge on these sad sick creatures, We did our best, now we have to give them to God, because they are WAY too hard for us to deal with. Blessings, sleep well tonight, and know you are loved,that goes for all of you!! {{HUGS}}!! and TOWANDA,!!!-we are getting there!!! MamaGem.XXXThank you again!
Good morning, EB and Aloha. Yes, I woke up this AM regretting my last post. I should have kept my mouth shut, and do apologize…One too many glasses of wine and an old wound I suppose…
I feel strongly, that we as women need to value OURSELVES for more than how we look…comparing oneself to ones rival, based soley on age looks and body type is buying into a psychopathic system that objectifies women….It shows a lot of self contempt, too. Yeah, I’m a bit of a femmenatzie, and I know I am, but One thing I hate is a woman hating woman, and I know that they just don’t know any better, but who’s gonna teach ’em?
Ox, Would it be possible to speak to you off the threads? I have a concern, I am hoping you can help.
Knowledge, send a request to donna to forward your e mail to me, tell her I said it was okay.
Wow, you guys had a great conversation last night and this morning. Good answer to Kim Aloha!
Kim, a year and a half ago I “invented” the cyber skillet and “used it” on Henry for being so down on himself, but the thing is that Henry and I had a “good relationship” here on LF and he was not offended.
Aloha, I don’t think I used the skillet on that girl, (but maybe my memory is faulty) because she was upset with me I think I remember because I told her that she had ACCEPTED the abuse for a long time and she kept screaming that SHE WAS INNOCENT and you and I both tried to get across to her that we were NOT BLAMING HER for the abuse he did, but she was carrying on and the NO CONTACT thing wasn’t to her liking either, she was wanting to get justification for BASHING HIM (with contact)
Many times I have seen what I call GASOLINE and FIRE relationships where BOTH PARTIES are PERSONALITY DISORDERED, and the TIP off to me, seems to be) (either in real life or even here on LF) is that the “victim” (or the one who presents as a victim and wants “sympathy”) doesn’t offer any care toward anyone else, and if you will notice, no matter how badly wounded someone (normal) is when they come here, it is only a few days or a week kbefore THEY are comforting others themselvess, even though they are far from healed, they are reaching out a comforting hand to others.
The pseudo-victim on the other hand is only seeking to GET comfort, never offering any. The Pseudo-victim will also NEVER ADMIT that their own actions, choices, etc. had anything to do with the continued abuse that they suffered, they are all about JUSTIFYING THEMSELVES.
Plus, if you even suggest that their own choices of staying with this abusive person in any way contributed to the ongoing abuse, WOW, do they ever get mad and BECOME ABUSIVE THEMSELVES.
I’ve seen posts here that are just “garbage” as far as I am concerned, and I just don’t usually comment on them.
The “skillet” is used (or “threatened”) more as a JOKING way of saying “hey, get off the pity trip” or “quit bashing yourself” and I try to use it only on people I have a relationship here on LF with and with people who know what it means (you have to be careful with “inside jokes” and make sure the person being joked with is in the know!)
When that pseudo-victim ATTACKED Aloha and me, I was CRUSHED at the time because I did not want to say anything that would offend anyone (I was still pretty new at LF then) and I didn’t want to validate something UNHEALTHY that she was saying, but I didn’tg mean to provoke an outburst and it scared me to death. I even though about not posting here anymore. I took the BLAME for HER outburst on myself, because at the TIME it happened 1) I was still RAW and 2) I was still WALKING ON EGG SHELLS and “offending” anyone was always (I thought) my fault.
I do my best to NOT offend anyone here on LF because healing is the name of the game here, and I NEVER intentionally offend anyone, but I do want to speak the truth, or not speak at all.
Sometimes too, especially when we are RAW, we will “read into” a post something that was NOT want they intended it to be. Or sometimes we type somethin that doesn’t come across like we wishh it could, and there is no voice inflections to know it is a joke, or a smart arse comment, no riased eye brows etc.
And there are things we disagree on. Disagreement is OK. Disagreable-ness isn’t. And in fact 99.9% of the posters here are great folks—but we do have trolls from the P-site (and in case you don’t know, yes, THEY have a site and occasionally come here to pretend to be a victim or just to make nasty comments and as a group we decided to NOT ENGAGE THEM, AND JUST HIT THE REPORT ABUSE BUTTON. Let Donna take care of them. They are just wanting attention and chaos, and if we don’t give it to them, theyy go away and/or donna bans them.
Oxy and LF Friends,
Geminigirl.. nothing keeps us locked in upset and ptsd than having no reasonable closure. About 5 years ago, my Dad started having PTSD episodes and his doctor said it was related to Vietnam. I have also had long delayed reactions to some of the things the Bad Man said to me. When I was with him, dodging bullets (verbal attacks) was part of daily life so it wasn’t until I was faaaaaaarrrrrrr away from him that I had a crying meltdown over one of the cruelest things he ever said to me. Think of it like an “AIRPLANE” movie. So many silly jokes that you start to miss the absurdity of some of them and you don’t laugh anymore.
Oxy,
You have wonderful observations about the victim model in some of our guests. :O) In a way, we have all been selected as good targets for abuse or fraud. So, that said, we are victims.
But the kind of victim we do not want to be is the one that is unable or unwilling to learn about what it was that made us endure and tolerate the intolerable. This is where all my work on ME is done. I accept a certain amount of responsibility. I know we all have different stories but my story is that I realized something was not right about him after the 3rd date and it was sometime in the first 30 days that he had his first inappropriate episode which rapidly progressed to just plain abuse.
My first essay, oh so long ago, was written with a certain reader in mind that no longer posts. She posted over and over long lists of what “he did” but she did not look at what she “did not” do to protect herself and put a stop to it. I will put the link here if anyone wants to go in the WayBackMachine and read some olden days LF posts. HAHA!
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/10/16/letters-to-lovefraud-once-upon-a-time-i-would-do-anything-for-love-but-not-anymore/
About that LF attacker… I had the same reaction. I did not want to post anymore and I felt sick with stress and anxiety for a few days. I remember thinking, “wow, that was a lot like the Bad Man.” And since the Bad Man’s primary mode of attacking me was an email inbox of verbal venom each morning, I shut down really quickly with said reader.
Oxy, I liked what you noted about how most LF readers reach out to others even when they are still limping. So true.. a sign of true empathy which is a sign of true humanity. Beware of those who don’t seem able to shift into another persons shoes from time to time.
Next week, I will be attending a support group for the first time at our local Domestic Violence Shelter. I am kind of excited (and scared). I am doing a paper on this organization for school and I also would like to connect with some people in person who are experiencing abuse.
However, for me the ultimate healing circle is here. I wish I was able to keep up on all your stories as I used to but I need 30 hours a day and 10 days a week right now. In fact, what am I doing now?! I need to be studying! ARGH!
Have a wonderful day LoveFraud Healers!
Healing is the feeling!
Aloha :O)
Thank you Ox, When I didnt get a response from you this morning I went ahead and emailed Donna.
I was just wanting to clarify with you (since you seem so knowledgable about this site) if that was the appropriate thing to do.
Thanks for responding!
One last think Geminigirl,
We will not be able to help all people here. There are people who create drama in their lives by the situations they choose to get into and choose to continue.
You will know them when you see them… or it won’t take you long to figure it out.
I find that we can learn from those people as well. I have noticed that in the real world, I *see* people’s stuff better that I used to. I try to take a fly on the wall approach where before I used to react to everything as if I was the source of people treating me bad…. and I needed to be the source of other people’s healing by pointing out the obvious to them…. such as when someone is addicted to drama.
Now I know that the universe will teach people their lessons. I LOVE to help people who WANT TO GET BETTER. You know who they are…. and whom they are not.
Alright… Aloha… you need to shhhhhhhhhhhh and get back to business.
Bye for now and P.S. I think you all are fabulous amazing peeps!
You know, you all make a good point on being triggered. I watched Wild Hogs the other night. As you all know, it’s about a group of middle aged guys in midlife crisis. It’s funny and makes some good points, all in jest and lightly. Anyway, when Travolta’s character put on that do-rag, clinched his jaw and rode that cycle……I was instantly triggered…he looked just like my X. I overrode it [pun intended] and did not let my friends know it got me. We had a great time eating snacks and laughing at the film. About three AM [why always 3 in the AM…something about that time…????] I awoke in full throes of a nightmare and you know who was the star?…..yep, my X. Just never know what will ‘trigger’ a flashback. Bleh……
Aloha –
I loved what you wrote about this being a healing circle- what a wonderful descriptor for what happens here.
I think I will use that nomenclature to describe because blog just does not reflect what is so powerful and moving an experience as what happens here.
I am glad to see the dialog – It helped me understand an intuitive reaction.
I guess our intuition does learn……