Sociopaths, when we first meet them, typically seem charming, friendly and exciting. Later, after we’ve been exploited, we realize that we were targeted by a professional who deceived and manipulated us. But how did the sociopath become an expert exploiter? How do sociopaths know exactly what to say and what buttons to push?
For example, Lovefraud received the following email from a reader:
HOW do sociopaths KNOW what to do or how to act or what tactics to use to get what they want?
They use tactics such as intermittent reinforcement or hijack our human bonding system, but they do not have degrees in psychology, nor do they consciously understand (I assume) that this is what they are doing – so HOW do they know to use those tactics to begin with?? It’s as if they are reading from the same ‘manual’ and that makes me wonder: is it subconscious, intuitive behavior on their part??
The answer is a three-step process: Sociopaths have an inborn desire for manipulation, they practice throughout their lives, and eventually become so good that their strategies are second nature.
We’ll take a closer look at the three steps. But first — a bit of explanation about terminology.
What is a sociopath?
The term “sociopath” originally meant “anything deviated or pathological in social relations.” Today, the word is no longer a clinical diagnosis, although many professionals use “sociopath” as shorthand for antisocial personality disorder.
Lovefraud uses “sociopath” as an umbrella term for what the American Psychiatric Association calls “Cluster B personality disorders,” including antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders, plus psychopathy. Why? Because all of these Cluster B personality disorders, and psychopathy, have a common dimension: The people who have them take advantage of the rest of us. For more information, please visit What’s a sociopath on Lovefraud.com.
There is a lot of overlap among the Cluster B personality disorders and psychopathy. These disorders have been studied to different degrees. Much of the explanation I provide below is based on research about psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder.
How sociopaths are made
Psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are highly genetic, and this may apply to other Cluster B personality disorders as well. This means that a child can be born with a genetic predisposition to these disorders.
It’s not inevitable that a child with the genes always becomes a sociopath. These disorders are both nature and nurture. Whether the disorder develops may depend upon the parenting that the child receives or the environment the child grows up in. Unfortunately, sociopaths make terrible parents, so it’s possible that the child will get both the genetic risk and bad parenting. This is a recipe for creating another sociopath.
Dominance theory of disorder
What exactly is the genetic risk? It’s an inborn desire for dominance. According to Dr. Liane Leedom, psychopathic individuals are motivated to exert power and control in their relationships.
It’s normal to have a power motivation to a certain degree — this is what makes us work hard, want to succeed and want to be a leader. But most of us also have a love motivation. We want close relationships in our lives and want to take care of people. Our love motivation puts the brakes on our power motivation.
In psychopaths and antisocials, the power motivation is out of control, and they have little to no love motivation to slow it down. So the only thing that really gives them pleasure in their social relations is exerting power over others. This is the foundation of their inborn talent for exploiting people.
Sociopaths experience power and control over others as rewarding. Because it is rewarding, they are motivated to learn how to do it.
For more information on Dr. Leedom’s work, see Lovefraud’s Research page.
A lifetime of practice
Because psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder are highly genetic, the risk for exploitative and manipulative traits is present throughout the sociopath’s life.
In some cases, the traits become apparent at a very young age. Parents have told me they saw their children who grew up to be disordered lying and manipulating when they were three or four years old.
Other sociopaths behave normally as young children and then change with puberty. Because the disorders are highly influenced by testosterone, most sociopaths start exhibiting problem behavior by their early to middle teen years.
What does this mean? Young sociopaths find it rewarding to exert power and control over others — family members, friends, classmates, even authority figures like teachers and cops. For example, they lie to someone, the person believes the lie, and the young sociopath experiences the thrill of “duping delight.”
So they start engaging in dominance behavior while young. Then, through trial and error, they learn what works and what doesn’t work. They learn how to get a reaction out of someone (and experience pleasure). They learn what lies people are likely to fall for (and they experience pleasure).
As life goes on, they get better and better at the skill of manipulating and exploiting others.
The professional exploiter
Therefore, sociopaths can be regarded as lifelong students of manipulation and exploitation strategies. By the time they are adults, they’ve been doing it for so long, and they are so practiced, that yes, the behavior has become second nature.
Some sociopaths actively work on their “talents.” Several people have told me that the favorite book of the sociopath they knew was The Art of War, by the ancient Chinese military strategist Sun Tzu. Another favorite book is, The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene.
Some sociopaths actually do study psychology — I’ve heard about plenty of disordered therapists. Others may not explicitly study the field, but they are aware of their talents.
One respondent in the Lovefraud Senior Sociopath survey wrote that her sociopathic husband was acutely aware of his “special gift” — his ability to manipulate people into doing what he wanted. Other respondents, who married sociopaths while young, wrote that their disordered partners became more skillful exploiters as they got older.
On the other hand, respondents also reported that at a certain age, the sociopaths they knew stopped trying to hide their manipulations. They no longer cared about maintaining a façade of normalcy.
To learn more, read my new book, Senior Sociopaths: How to recognize and escape lifelong abusers.
Practice makes perfect
By the time we encounter sociopaths as adults, they’ve spent their entire lives developing their “core competencies” of manipulation and exploitation. As with any expert, their behavior appears to be subconscious and intuitive. But in reality, they’ve gotten very good at doing what they want to do, which is to exert dominance over others.
Because we aren’t motivated by power and control, and don’t actively pursue dominating others, their behavior mystifies us. All we can do is recognize that exploitation and manipulation are central to the identity of sociopaths, and these traits will not change. If we come across expert manipulators, we should keep them out of our lives.
He wanted to psychologically destroy me