When reflecting on the sociopath’s style, I often find myself thinking metaphorically. For instance, in an early LoveFraud article (Sociopaths’ Cat and Mouse Game) I explored the mind of the sociopath via the metaphor of the cat toying with the mouse.
In this article, I probe a different metaphor: the small child abusing the captured insect.
But a caveat’s in order: Just as I wasn’t impugning cats as literally sociopathic in my earlier piece, I’m not suggesting here that all children, including bug torturers, are developing sociopaths (anymore than in my last LoveFraud article I was suggesting that all practical jokers are sociopaths).
On the other hand, I am suggesting that there are states of mind—normal states of mind—that approximate (more closely than we might think, or want to think) how sociopaths perceive and relate.
And so I invite you to join me as, together, we watch a small child, who sits on a curb in front of his house, a daddy-long-legged spider in his clutches.
Let us not mince words: the child has intentionally trapped the spider; and he fully intends, and fully expects, to have his way with it. Moreover, he confidently feels that he has power over the spider to do with it, to toy with it, to experiment on it, as he wishes.
Does any of this, already, sound familiar?
But let us proceed: The child may (or may not yet) have formed an agenda for the spider—that is, he may already know what he plans to do with it, and how he plans to entertain himself with it; or, he may not yet know these things, but rather may be operating more impulsively, or perhaps taking things a step at a time.
In either case, as he stares down at the bug, the child does so with a feeling of omnipotence—that is, he has, and relishes, a sense of omnipotent control over the spider’s near and long-term destiny: he will be deciding its short and long-term fate. He knows that he can dominate the spider any way he likes, and, as we’ve established, he intends to exploit his dominance: the spider, he is well aware, will be helpless to defend itself against his designs.
And so, one by one, the child begins pulling the legs off the spider. He finds this interesting, amusing, and even thinks it’s a little funny. He wonders, fleetingly, in pulling the spider’s legs off, if this hurts the spider?
His curiosity, however, is detached and superficial, lacking compassion and empathy. For, although it strikes him that if someone were to pull his legs off it would surely cause unspeakable pain, yet his intellectual awareness does not translate into empathy for the predicament to which he’s subjected the spider.
(The child, in a word, fails to apply the principle do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Sociopaths, of course, notoriously forsake this principle.)
And so the spider might look a little funny with no legs. And it could be amusing to see the spider, as its legs are systematically ripped off, reduced to the size of a small nipple. And it could also be amusing to watch the spider try to walk with its legs missing.
All of these (and other) prospects for entertainment intrigue the child, and support his abuse of the insect. We can say this with certainty: in his relationship to the spider, the child is solely interested in how the spider can entertain him—that is, he is curious about, and interested in, only the gratification he can derive from the spider (and from, in this case, the spider’s predicament).
The child regards and values the spider purely as an “object” which, if properly manipulated, can yield him some worthwhile satisfaction.
And so the spider, now legless, doesn’t move. The child notices that its legs, however, which lie beside it on the concrete curb, twitch all by themselves, as if they’re separately alive and as though being animated by a mysterious force. This intrigues and amuses the child who, incidentally, has momentarily lost all interest in the spider.
That is, the child presently is no longer interested in the spider, but only with the spider’s legs (which of course he tore off), finding their twitchy, independent movements curiously entertaining.
I think we can safely add that the child doesn’t hate, or feel malice towards, the spider. That’s to say, none of this is “personal.” When he sat down on the curb, the idea of targeting a spider to exploit may, or may not, have been on his mind.
The child may have been actively targeting a vulnerable insect, or maybe not; maybe the spider just happened to enter his attentional orbit at the wrong time (for the spider), and in so doing primed the child’s exploitive inclinations.
In either case, it’s easy to describe what the child feels for the spider; he feels towards the spider precisely what he feels towards any object—appreciative of it only for the satisfaction it supplies him.
Short of this, the spider rapidly loses its value for him.
This is occurring presently: As the spider’s novelty is fading, the child’s investment in it wanes. He valued the spider purely, remember, for its gratifying properties; now, as the spider grows less novel by the second, the child grows increasingly bored with it. The spider’s value, its use to the child, is steadily, rapidly depreciating.
This could be good news, or more bad news, for the spider. As his interest in the spider expends itself, the child may decide to move on. He may be finished with the spider, and so he may, finally, leave it alone. The spider may have a chance to escape with its life. That could be the good news.
But it’s also possible that the child, seeking a last satisfaction of his thirst for stimulation, may decide, perhaps impulsively, to squash the spider, to crush it, like the bud of a leaf. And if he does this, it still won’t be personal. The child doesn’t have it in for this particular spider.
This particular spider merely happened to conveniently enough meet the child’s criteria as an exploitable object.
And so it’s 50-50 whether, in his boredom, the child will move on, leaving the legless spider to regroup after its traumatization; or whether, also in his boredom, he’ll decide to mash the spider between his fingers so he can feel what it’s like to mash an insect into a paste. That could be a curious sensation, which he’s never had (or hasn’t had it in a while).
He might find that sensation interesting, or maybe not.
And so comes the abrupt, anticlimactic end of our story, which was simply about the intersection of our neighborhood child with the unsuspecting spider.
Postscript: The child spared the spider, not from compassion, but because a cramp in his leg prompted him to rise, and stretch. But in walking away, the child inadvertently stepped on the spider, flattening and killing it. But even had he known this (and he didn’t), it’s not likely that the irony would have impressed him.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed.)
one step
I think you sound very healthy because I know what risks you take in revealing how you really feel, obviously you felt deeply enough to let rip….oh what a relief that someone else feels drop dead shock and pain
I feel understood by you, acknowledged and in the presence of a human being that I ask you to just keep on expressing yourself because whenever I hear REAL FEELINGS coming from a HEART that has been BROKEN TO PIECES I actually feel some restoration of faith in humanity.
I know it’s shit. lets not allow creepy spaths destroy our life, I think you ARE amazing, but if you allow yourself to go down the drain I will be very sad. Keep it coming out….spew it forth like the toxic nightmare it really is. I am with you all the way. The pain killing approach is ok (it will crumble when you become strong, but for now whatever gets you throught the night)
Thanks for saying you hear me. It meant the world to me at that moment. I want to say the equivalent back to you.
OxDrover
I needed that hug badly. Thanks so much
JakeB
EMPATHY is the only thing worth staying alive for! thats why the spaths and psychos re so doomed- They do not have empathy….so for what its worth EMPATHY ROCKS!!!
I’m so glad I have buckets of the stuff and they have none!
I really liked the way you describe Sydney harbour and the people. YOU CAN SIT AND APPRECIATE, and feel and be emotional…I love you for that.
LTL,
Oh, sweetheart, I was referring to folks out in meatspace, not on LF.
Sorry I didn’t make that clear. I was referring to what not to say to someone we are close and personal with in real time, not on the internet.
For example, a good gal pal of mine is dealing with a broken heart. What should I say to her? Should I say she’ll get over it eventually? Or should I say men are all jerks and the sooner she realizes that the better (untrue)? Or give her examples of my past heartbreaks?
None of these are beneficial, productive, caring words to say to my friend. The best thing for me to do is to listen. Just listen and hold her hand.
(edit) I sincerely apologize to you if what I had written hurt you. They were not in any way directed to the wonderful, loving, compassionate members of LF. No way.
Just talking out loud. My words are not written in stone, or even all that wise and knowledgable on occasion.
Hello to everyone this afternoon….
RANT WARNING:
I heard the “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” platitude a LOT. And couldn’t figure it out…OF COURSE we can handle it, because we have no choice…who’s going to handle it for us?
My daughter is autistic, (diagnosed at that time as mentally retarded) my dad a raging sadistic alchoholic, my mother died relatively young (i was 21) my sister’s are screwed up, the youngest one is cutting herself, not that my dad would have cared if he’d known, he was so into himself, my 1st marriage was ending, my beloved horse was dying, the family dog had “run away” (meaning my dad either killed her or took her to the pound) and my mom’s dad, my maternal grandfather died…all within 6-7 months, and at 21 years of age, what could I do EXCEPT HANDLE IT! Was Mary Poppins gonna “pop in” and help? Was anyone? Noooo…
And handling all these things alone, totally alone—1st marriage was ended when I found out my then husband slept with my 10 years long best friend while I was in the hospital giving birth—i was devastated at the double betrayal, blamed them both equally–felt as if I’d lost my best friends in the world–and did.
There was no one, no one to talk to. Those grief-stricken relatives never called me or my sisters. I guess because we were so OK…tho my mom’s oldest sister would call, a little drunk, and cry (they were close) and tell me how much she missed my mom, so I comforted her. And she’d tell me how lucky I was to be married and have a new baby…over and over. I didn’t tell her we were getting a divorce…or that the new baby was “mentally retarded.” Just agreed with her, “yes I’m lucky…”
Note: it is often really hard to know what to say when someone is going through a crisis. I nursed my mom for many months, while she steadily went downhill, hallucinating on pain meds, delusional at times, and I was unprepared and felt helpless and alone, until she died 12 hours after going to the hospital.
But if one *can* say something–call, ask me how things were going if my mom couldn’t talk, bring over some food, offer to help me drive my mom for chemo sessions, pick some flowers for her room, send a card–not one of those cheery cute puppie ones—my mother was dying and everyone knew it. But no one sent a card. No one brought flowers.
Until she died.
Her funeral was standing-room only. And not one of those people, in all those months, had ever called to see how my mom was. How any of us were. It would have meant a huge amount to my mom, and to me. Why bring over the food after my mom died? We sure could have used it when she was sick and I was cooking/cleaning/running to the store and having to leave my mom alone, in bed, helpless.
Least helpful–saying to me and each other about me: “Well, she’ll (you’ll) be fine. She (You) has (have) a husband and a new baby.” This had nothing to do with my pain, nothing at all. I think they said that to each other to ease their pain and anxiety….and saying, “Well, (other sister) will be fine, She’s in college, that’ll keep her busy.” And about the youngest sister, the secret cutter, “Well, she’s going to granduate high school in a couple of months and go off to college. She’ll be fine.”
I felt like screaming–“no one here is fine! We aren’t gonna be fine for a long time—get real! Show some emotion, recognize what’s ahead for us. How about a HUG? Can any of you crying, grieving relatives and “friends” manage THAT?” No, they could not.
All of this kicked off panic attacks (age 21) and I remember thinking, if someone could just help me, give me some space to grieve. But there was no space to grieve, so more panic attacks…I was diagnosed with PTSD from childhood stuff, almost 18 years of daily abuse from my father, now my only parent…my younger sister came and lived with me until she graduated from high school and left town. (and, because she is what she is, she stole a lot of my clothes, my diary, books, etc before she left)
I tried to turn to my dad for some small piece of comfort 4 years after mom died. He was sober, so I thought, OK, enough time has passed, maybe now I can mention mom. (There had been no talking about my mom allowed, except by him–he cried, got drunk, cried more, talked about my mom…but I couldn’t mention her—off limits)
So I said, very quietly, “you know dad, I miss mom.” And he exploded–only word I can think of to describe it–with red in the face veins popping out, rage.
Said, “HOW DARE YOU! She was JUST YOUR MOTHER–SHE WAS MY WIFE! I CHOSE HER” I said I was sorry, yes , of course she was just my mother…you’re right, dad.
He was the only person allowed to feel any grief, any sense of loss. He OWNED my mother’s death and by God no one was going to take his special status away from him. So how dare I say I missed my mom? After all, she was Just My Mother.
***end of rant!***
JANESMITH: Thank you for reading my post, and your kind words. I appreciate it very much~~CAmom
Yes….and more on the GNGYMTYCH platitude….it feels like the person delivering it is actually saying you’re weak, that you are dissapointing God or something….it’s like God is a drill sargeant looking down on you from heaven shouting, “handle it, soldier, handle it.”
Just my take on it. That’s not how I experience my God.
CA mom, I don’t know how you got through all that, but I’m so glad you did. I’m glad you’re here and sharing with us…
None of us deserved this shit, and it was human BS that did it, not GOD.
Dear CAmom,
Yes, you HAD A MOTHER and you only had a sperm donir, not a father, sorry about that, but grief doesn’t know any time limits, and you are free to feel your grief for your mom anyway you want to. Even now.
I grieved the loss of my “mother” while the Egg Donor still lives, and really, all I ahd was the facade of a mother, not the real thing…I just filled in the “blanks” that she left. Fortunately, I DID have a wonderful step father. My egg donor divorced the sperm donor when I was 3 months old, he caught VD while she was at home having me and he was away in the service. When she found out you couldn’t catch it off a toilet seat, she came home and divorced him. That was ONE boundary she wouldn’t let him cross. Three years later she married my wonderful “Daddy”—and he EARNED that title, though at the time my egg donor’s criticisms were so much louder than his praise, it was difficult to hear it, until after he died, and I went NC with her and the memories of his kindness came flooding back, some in dreams as real as life, and others while I looked at pictures of him, or remembered the time I took care of him (18 months) before he died and we sat talking for hours early in the mornings when no one else was up.
It was only during that time and after his death that I really realized just how much he trusted me, relied on me, was proud of me and my accomplishments. He ran every medical decision by me before he would do it, but if I told him it was necessary, he absolutely complied because he “knew” I couldn’t stear him wrong. He had absolute confindence in me. That, in retrospect, has meant a great deal to me! More than I even realized at that stress filled time.
My sperm donor was a monster, no real need for details, everyone can fill in their own, but I did learn from him, and I can at least realize I did learn a great deal of things, both positive and negative from him. I paid a high tuition, but there were also some lessons that have been valuable to me my entire life, so maybe it wasn’t a total loss. He was smart as well as mean, and had a good physically strong body and I inherited that good health from him and the brains, so that too was a +.
Obviously (because I passed them on to my P-son) there were some genes in me from the sperm donor too that, if they were “turned on” by environment, could have maybe produced a psychopath in me as well. I am ADHD, I am a risk taker, and those things are part and parcel of the P, but the other qualities, like lack of conscience, lack of empathy, lack of fear, letc. didn’t seem to take hold in me. If anything, I have TOO much empathy at times.
CAmom, you got the double whammy, a P parent and that P parent raised you and abused you—but look at yourself, vs your sisters (BTW that “secret cutting” is a REAL BIG indicator of Borderliine Personality Disorder, which is pretty close to a “female pspychopath) YOU do not display the hall marks of a psychopath, and they do. No real conscience or empathy.
Why did WE (and we must have some of the genes!@.......) somehow escape? Two of my three half sibs ESCAPED being Ps though they were raised by our P-sperm donor and believe me he abused them. The two of them were also left out of his will and did not attend the funeral. The youngest son, who was the “golden child” from the get go is just like him. He was there lauding the “great man” who was gone. Only business associates or people he had donated money to appeared from the best I can tell attended this memorial service. (A transcriiption and guest list is on the internet.) But I do know lots of folks that probably jumped up to say “DING DONG, the SUM’BICH is dead!”
I just felt like relieved.
It was so hard form me to finally distance myself and go NC with my egg donor, I felt compelled to “honor family” but I realized that you can’t “honor” someone without honor themselves, but you CAN as the Bible says “honor your father and mother” not by putting up with their crap, but BY BECOMING THE KIND OF OFFSPRING THAT WOULD BRING HONOR TO THE PARENTS OF SUCH A PERSON. By becoming what we want to be, we fulfill that Biblical command to “honor” our ancestors.
We do not have to allow abuse, though many times people willo tell us that “turn the other cheek” means that we have to let people use and abuse ujs and stand passively, but a further study of the Bible says that if we have a problem with a “brother” (either a religious brother, or a family member I think) we should talk to them, if that doesn’t work, take witnesses and talk to them, if that doesn’t work, take it to the church, and if that doesn’t make them stop their bad behavior, then distance yourself from them….don’t even eat with them. If that doesn’t sound like NC I never heard it described better. I did all those things TO NO AVAIL with my egg donor. But now, I feel NO MORE “responsibility” for her welfare in any way, shape or form. She revoked my power of attorney and my legal right to see her medical records so I couldn’t be responsible for her if I wanted to be. She has denied me access or authority.
When that dawned on me, I realized I don’t even ahve to feel guilty for leaving my egg donor without a “child”—she only has me, and my two sons, and she has chosen the one in prison over both me and my son C—because we both went NC for her lyhing to us and sending money to the P-son.
She said “I have a right to send my money to him.”
We said,”Yes, you do have that RIGHT, however, I/we have the right to NOT ASSOCIATE WITH YOU if you do something that I/we think puts our lives at risk and/or if you lie to us.”
CAmom, you have an ABSOLUTE RIGHT to decide who you associate with, and what your boundaries are in how those people behave toward you. No matter what the blood relationship is. Some of us get only 1-2 relatives that are really supportive, come of us get none, and that’s hard, but at the same time, we play the cards we are dealt. Just keep in mind that the “NOrman Rockwellian” view of “family” is not often REALITY, too many times it is more OUR FAMILIE Sthat are the real ones. . (((hugs)))))
Hi everyone,
I’ve only been on a handful of times and each time everyone here is so helpful. I think that I don’t get on very often because I sometimes feel overwhelmed. And tonight, I am feeling so raw and emotional. I am realizing how utterly traumatized I have been from my experience with this horrible man. I just heard from him the other evening because he found some things I posted about him on womansavers.com. Other women also posted about him as well. He asked if I would take down the posts and I told him I wouldn’t. Without going into the whole relationship details, this man is not just a nice guy who made mistakes. He is a patholgical liar and womanizer and the nastiness of his behavior while seeming like a decent guy who was “trying” was unfathomable. He is still seeing the same woman he began seeing immediately after we broke up last June. In fact, he was calling for for months wanting to see me and was so angry that I wouldn’t. In September of last year when he had already been seeing her for 3-4 months, he called me on a Sunday evening and said that he called me immediately when he found out, but that he would be house-sitting for someone and watching movies there all week and wanted to invite me. I declined the invite and he was so angry!! He said that he didn’t mean at night since that would have a date feel to it. But, since he is unemployed and I work during the day, just when did he mean?? Then, he said that he should just stop calling me since every time he talked to me he wanted to see me more. Does that sound appropriate for a guy who is seeing someone? When he called the other night, I told him I knew he was seeing her when he said that to me and he said that he was having a hard time letting go and that “I threw him away!” He said that he isn’t out there doing everything he was doing and that he told this girl everything. He also said that to the girl he first left me for, that she knew everything and he was so comfortable with her to tell her everything, which turned out not to be true. There is SO much in the past he has said and insisted was true, yet I still am so fixated on him being for her everything he was not for me. Spent the holidays with her family and SEEMING like he is really in it. I should know better but I am still just so fixated on it. I know how sick and twisted and distorted this man is and yet I think maybe he really has changed. This feels so awful and I feel so silly. 🙁
Wow. I;m glad to be here and everything I read is so RIGHT ON.
Thanks to the community here for being willing to write, speak out and share. A newbie like me REALLY appreciates it.
Well, I bought a whopper of a tale and ended up in whirlwind romance which led to marriage and will soon be squashed like a bug (I hope).
The seperation is recent and was in fact enforced by really good guys who wore little vests marked US on them.
Now, I am wondering what to expect? I have ceased communications and am not writing letters.
This is very scary. Anybody shed some light on what might be going on on the other side and what I need to be prepared for?
He writes and calls how much he loves me, but the day they hauled him off, his online dating account was left visible for me.
Am I lucky because he might have had one foot out the door?
Silvermoon welcome, I am new too, this is a great supportive community here and should help in your regaining your sense of self.
I dont know that anyone can tell you what to prepare for, not me at least as my situation is a little different. However, I can say, these men, (if you feel he is indeed a P/S, if your not sure read up on it), do not feel love they are incapable, the words are so easy for them to say to anyone as they have no feeling in them. So do not buy that what he says and accept that he can not change, if he is a P/S just move on, let it go and concentrate on protecting yourself, your assets and get out while you can.
I hope that is not too harsh but if your really dealing with a P/S, its the only advice I can give.
If he had one foot out the door, send the rest with it and let go, hes not worth another try or more time of your life wasted on a P/S.
Good luck to you and welcome!
Dear Silvermoon, and Hopeful, welcome to you both! You have both landed in a good place to educate yourselves about psychopaths and to heal from the devestation they left in their wakes.
First off Ii strongly suggest that you go NO CONTACT (NC) immediately. NO phone calls, texts, don’t read their face books, or letters. .Toss them into a drawer in case you need them later. I can GUARENTEE they will be NOTHING BUT LIES. They cannot tell the truth!
Silvermoon, glad the Guys with US on their backs hauled him out. If you need to testify, do so, but otherwise, NC. If either of you have to get a restraining order to keep them away do so.
Take care of you, KARMA will take care of them. Their next victim can’t be saved until she is ready to save herself, just as you did. She did not,. will not get anything from him except the same crap you did.
Keep in mind, they are NOT capable of love, only mouthing the words to “hook” us into their webs of lies and more lies.
Again, welcome, and stay around and read as many of the older archived articles as you can, there are some really good things there to helpl you understand and heal. (((hugs))) and God bless.