When reflecting on the sociopath’s style, I often find myself thinking metaphorically. For instance, in an early LoveFraud article (Sociopaths’ Cat and Mouse Game) I explored the mind of the sociopath via the metaphor of the cat toying with the mouse.
In this article, I probe a different metaphor: the small child abusing the captured insect.
But a caveat’s in order: Just as I wasn’t impugning cats as literally sociopathic in my earlier piece, I’m not suggesting here that all children, including bug torturers, are developing sociopaths (anymore than in my last LoveFraud article I was suggesting that all practical jokers are sociopaths).
On the other hand, I am suggesting that there are states of mind—normal states of mind—that approximate (more closely than we might think, or want to think) how sociopaths perceive and relate.
And so I invite you to join me as, together, we watch a small child, who sits on a curb in front of his house, a daddy-long-legged spider in his clutches.
Let us not mince words: the child has intentionally trapped the spider; and he fully intends, and fully expects, to have his way with it. Moreover, he confidently feels that he has power over the spider to do with it, to toy with it, to experiment on it, as he wishes.
Does any of this, already, sound familiar?
But let us proceed: The child may (or may not yet) have formed an agenda for the spider—that is, he may already know what he plans to do with it, and how he plans to entertain himself with it; or, he may not yet know these things, but rather may be operating more impulsively, or perhaps taking things a step at a time.
In either case, as he stares down at the bug, the child does so with a feeling of omnipotence—that is, he has, and relishes, a sense of omnipotent control over the spider’s near and long-term destiny: he will be deciding its short and long-term fate. He knows that he can dominate the spider any way he likes, and, as we’ve established, he intends to exploit his dominance: the spider, he is well aware, will be helpless to defend itself against his designs.
And so, one by one, the child begins pulling the legs off the spider. He finds this interesting, amusing, and even thinks it’s a little funny. He wonders, fleetingly, in pulling the spider’s legs off, if this hurts the spider?
His curiosity, however, is detached and superficial, lacking compassion and empathy. For, although it strikes him that if someone were to pull his legs off it would surely cause unspeakable pain, yet his intellectual awareness does not translate into empathy for the predicament to which he’s subjected the spider.
(The child, in a word, fails to apply the principle do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Sociopaths, of course, notoriously forsake this principle.)
And so the spider might look a little funny with no legs. And it could be amusing to see the spider, as its legs are systematically ripped off, reduced to the size of a small nipple. And it could also be amusing to watch the spider try to walk with its legs missing.
All of these (and other) prospects for entertainment intrigue the child, and support his abuse of the insect. We can say this with certainty: in his relationship to the spider, the child is solely interested in how the spider can entertain him—that is, he is curious about, and interested in, only the gratification he can derive from the spider (and from, in this case, the spider’s predicament).
The child regards and values the spider purely as an “object” which, if properly manipulated, can yield him some worthwhile satisfaction.
And so the spider, now legless, doesn’t move. The child notices that its legs, however, which lie beside it on the concrete curb, twitch all by themselves, as if they’re separately alive and as though being animated by a mysterious force. This intrigues and amuses the child who, incidentally, has momentarily lost all interest in the spider.
That is, the child presently is no longer interested in the spider, but only with the spider’s legs (which of course he tore off), finding their twitchy, independent movements curiously entertaining.
I think we can safely add that the child doesn’t hate, or feel malice towards, the spider. That’s to say, none of this is “personal.” When he sat down on the curb, the idea of targeting a spider to exploit may, or may not, have been on his mind.
The child may have been actively targeting a vulnerable insect, or maybe not; maybe the spider just happened to enter his attentional orbit at the wrong time (for the spider), and in so doing primed the child’s exploitive inclinations.
In either case, it’s easy to describe what the child feels for the spider; he feels towards the spider precisely what he feels towards any object—appreciative of it only for the satisfaction it supplies him.
Short of this, the spider rapidly loses its value for him.
This is occurring presently: As the spider’s novelty is fading, the child’s investment in it wanes. He valued the spider purely, remember, for its gratifying properties; now, as the spider grows less novel by the second, the child grows increasingly bored with it. The spider’s value, its use to the child, is steadily, rapidly depreciating.
This could be good news, or more bad news, for the spider. As his interest in the spider expends itself, the child may decide to move on. He may be finished with the spider, and so he may, finally, leave it alone. The spider may have a chance to escape with its life. That could be the good news.
But it’s also possible that the child, seeking a last satisfaction of his thirst for stimulation, may decide, perhaps impulsively, to squash the spider, to crush it, like the bud of a leaf. And if he does this, it still won’t be personal. The child doesn’t have it in for this particular spider.
This particular spider merely happened to conveniently enough meet the child’s criteria as an exploitable object.
And so it’s 50-50 whether, in his boredom, the child will move on, leaving the legless spider to regroup after its traumatization; or whether, also in his boredom, he’ll decide to mash the spider between his fingers so he can feel what it’s like to mash an insect into a paste. That could be a curious sensation, which he’s never had (or hasn’t had it in a while).
He might find that sensation interesting, or maybe not.
And so comes the abrupt, anticlimactic end of our story, which was simply about the intersection of our neighborhood child with the unsuspecting spider.
Postscript: The child spared the spider, not from compassion, but because a cramp in his leg prompted him to rise, and stretch. But in walking away, the child inadvertently stepped on the spider, flattening and killing it. But even had he known this (and he didn’t), it’s not likely that the irony would have impressed him.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed.)
Goodnight CAmom, and everyone. i’ll keep you all in my heart tonite.
Mike
Dear One Step,
You are heard here. Some people are behind you in the healing process and some people are ahead of you in the healing process.
You are right where you need to be — but please remember not to act on any of your feelings, emotions — please remember that so many of us are here because we were where youve been and we held on– we let go just enough to release soooooo much — but we held on just enough to see our better day… you may not see your better day tonight…but I see it for you – I am promising you right now it is there waiting for you when youre ready willing and able… there is no rush…we are all here for you.
Your pain and hurt and anger is very real and valid. Let it flow out of you — and share your thoughts here —
As much as you need people to listen to you…and we are…all at our various states of healing…some helpful to you…some of no help to you…but as much as you need people to listen to you…we need you to listen to us tonight too. We are here for you. Your better day is around the corner…
WE have all been told to take care of ourselves, and listen to ourselves, and love ourselves, because it is key in getting through this along with being heard. WE cannot rely only on others – in our darkness – we must rely on ourselves first and foremost — part of the reason I got to my darkness is because I was relying on others to get me out. i found my strength and I know you will find yours along with all of our help.
We are here for you one step. Step -one is you need to be there for yourself first — you are doing it through every post — you are going through the worst of it — you are not alone, but Im not going to be dishonest with you – it begins within you then with the help of others.
Find your strength – through fear and uncertainty — its in there or you wouldnt be here! Youre not alone – we are all here with you to hear you and help you through this pain and difficult time as well as to help you find your better day too. xoxo LTL
Knowledgeempowers:
Welcome, welcome!
Thanks for posting those quotes….
Anything that has helped you is sure to help someone else in this journey….so post away darlen…..
I encourage you to read the articles here….go through the archives and just read! There is so much good information and it will reach you through different stages.
There is certainly an element of ‘overload’ at times…..so give yourself time to digest and take a break.
What we think today, we build on with more knowledge tomorrow…..and so on!
Thanks again for your contribution and welcome to LF.
This is a very supportive place to come to.
XXOO
EB
I found Knowledgeempowers posts to be incredibly enlightening and helpful where I am in the healing process….
I encourage all of us to really give thought to knowledgeempowers above quotes — both posts…
“The First Step Towards Getting Somewhere is to DECIDE That You Are Not Going To Stay Where You Are’ —
And thats why we are all here – we are not going to stay where we are — our better day is ahead!!!! I know we all can see it — we will get there!
Goodnight. Be safe. Sleep peacefully everyone…((Hugs)) LTL
ONE:
GIRL……HEY, comeon now…..
You gotta know when to give yourself a break….AND IT”S NOW…..
Listen to your body….it’s screaming atcha.
You need to decompress….you’ve had a very stressful event this week and i’m not surprised it’s crashing down on you….you were not feeling well for starters….then you got clobbered!
You need support darlen….we are here.
If you don’t have a ‘real life’ friend to hold you…..let us hold you.
Try and clear your mind…..for a moment. and learned it right…..tomorrow is another day.
I remember when things got real real dark for me……and I was questioning everything……
Then the next day….or a few hours later….boom….I was reminded WHY I wanted to be here!
You need to try and focus on any good you see in the world around you……the green grass, the blue sky…..the old man that sit’s at the cafe drinking his tea with a sweet face……WHATEVER YOU CAN FIND…..go search it out and rebuild your soul.
I’m so sorry your feeling so down…..BUT I assure you….ITS NOT PERMANENT!!!!
Youv’e just been worn…..
Give it time….refocus your journey and believe in the process.
Sending BIG……
XXXXXXOOOOOOO
EB
Thanks to all for the welcoming wishes. Sorry autisticsouls, I had to step out for a bit and missed your request about onestep. I will surely send healing thoughts her way. We have all had our very tough days, some worse then others and I know we can all use the extra care and thoughts.
Erin, thank you, I have been reading everything i can get my eyes on for the last couple weeks now, actually started some time ago but only found LF in the last couple weeks.
Have read everything I can on P/S and just absorbing. There are NO excuses for the things that have been done to any of us but if we can understand as best as possible all the factors it helps in our moving forward and healing.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, yes, enjoy every moment that life has, take it with both hands and move forward onto bigger and better things, a self awakening, self nurturing and self enlightenment.
I do NOT want to repeat any of the mistakes I have made so far (accepting second best, not heading warning signs and red flags, not loving myself enough to be sucked in by some p who can’t love back, giving so much of myself selflessly, without that care being returned).
I want better! when that time comes, right now I want to GET better so I can be open to a better state of mind and any opportunities that may come my way.
Thanks everyone for accepting me so easliy : )
Knowledge:
You sound so POWERFUL!!!!!
Great ‘place’ to be at…..in the journey!
Keep it up…..you got it going on!!!
This is one of the enlightening articles I found also, I hope it helps someone, even if its just one of us, I hope somone finds strength in these words:
“’Ah”.just get a life!’
People ever tell you that? Sometimes from the chronic stress and upheaval the pathological relationship causes, people can get very one-dimensional and hyper-focused on him/the relationship/or the problems. They stop doing the kinds of things in their life that could help them be LESS obsessed, depressed, or anxious. That’s because women really tend to ’lose themselves’ in the pathological relationship. It’s a testimony to the strength of pathology.
The crazier it gets, the more they feel like they need to ’try to understand it’ or ’try to make him understand what he’s doing’ or ’do something that will help the relationship feel less pathological.’ This idea can be a 24/7 thing”it can take up your whole life trying to balance the relationship, which, as you have figured out, is un-balanceable.
Getting lost in a very dark tunnel can draw people away from the actions, behaviors, thoughts, people, and resources that previously allowed them to live a happier and more balanced life. The dangerous and pathological relationship is ALL consuming and soon any level of your own self care is abandoned for the insane focus on how to fix him/the relationship.
It isn’t long before others around you notice the myopic/single focused person you have become that can’t think about or talk about anything except the dangerous relationship. This myopic view of your relationship has now blacked out any other part of your life”people are bailing out of your life, emotional resources are dwindling, your life has become the size and shape of him.
Women in the most dire of all situations (especially in domestic violence for instance) are those who have lost physical and emotional resources and can find no way to get out. The less support a woman feels from others the more likely she is to stay because it takes SUPPORT to get out/to break up/or to not go back. So, by the act of myopia, her life and resources just dwindle away.
One day someone says to her ’man, you need to get a life bigger than THIS!’ and something really hits her about that statement. Like coming out of a big deep freeze”the light bulb goes on—she notices her lack of life and says “What happened to me? Where is my LIFE?????”
The last few weeks in the newsletter I have been talking about ’Living the Gentle Life’”“especially if you are someone who has lived in a pathological relationship or has a chronic stress disorder or PTSD from the relationship.
A gentle life is a FULL life”“one that includes the finds of things that nurture you, that bring peace to you, are simultaneously IN and PART of our lives.
The gentle life is healing because to feel JOY is to send the right kinds of brain chemistry to your brain that fights depression and anxiety and gives the sensation of ’well-being.’ We need to be Joy Hunters!
Women go back (or pick poorly again) because they fail to build a life for themselves. They know how to ’invest, invest, invest’ in him and THEIR relationship with him but have NO idea how to ’invest’ and build their own life WITHOUT HIM like the one listed above. Women who have out side healthy lives ARE the women most likely to get out and stay out.
Loneliness is one of the KEY risk factors in why women go back. There are so many ways to get your needs met for friendship, fun, support, beauty, or whatever you love in life. Building a ’life’ is the best prevention for relapse a woman can do.
But sadly, many will NOT do it. After 20 years, I can pretty much pick out who will and won’t invest in themselves and build a life. Those that don’t are in the same boat 10 years down the road”either with this pathological person or another one just like him. Those that do build a life are less likely to feel pressured to date or get so lonely they pick up the phone and call him.
The Gentle Life isn’t even possible unless you have a life that is ready for transformation. Living with a pathological man or picking another one is about as OPPOSITE of a gentle life as there is. Will you be one that rebuilds a fabulous life? Or be stuck in your dependency on dangerous and pathological relationships?”
Again, no harm intended to anyone, maybe not everyone is ready for these words, but if someone is, its one more person on the road to recovery and moving on.
And this one is especially for OneStep, I hope she catches it tomorrow, but good for all of us to absorb and ponder, maybe even practice.
“Today, we are going to discuss the emotional effects and how to create the Gentle Life for your emotional needs as well.
PTSD is as an emotional disorder that falls in the category of an anxiety disorder therefore, someone with chronic stress of any kind needs to learn the types of techniques that help reduce emotional anxiety. The problem is, by the time people ’ask for help’ with chronic stress or PTSD, they have often lived with it for a long time and the symptoms are now extreme.
The emotional effects of untreated PTSD can include tension, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flash backs or hyper-startle reflex. All of these are distressing and over time a combination of these symptoms are normal to have all at the same time.
The relaxation technique is a way of managing the physical symptoms of PTSD. Relaxation techniques are not ’optional’ in the recovery of chronic stress/PTSD. That’s because these techniques have a dual purpose. These same relaxation techniques also help manage the emotional symptoms as well as the physical. Learning correct breathing to ward off anxiety and panic attacks can be done thru the relaxation techniques.
Likewise, these same techniques can help with sleep disruptions, and tension. Chronic stress and PTSD are disorders that should be treated by a professional therapist. Especially with PTSD, the symptoms tend to increase over time if not treated. People make the mistake of waiting until it is totally unbearable and then it takes time to back down the symptoms. People are often ’hopeful’ it will just go away when the pathological relationship has ended or contact is ended. These aren’t the worst relationships in the world for nothing! They are labeled that because they produce horrible side effects!
Unfortunately, PTSD is a chronic disorder which means you are likely to have symptoms off and on for years, maybe a lifetime. This is all the more reason to learn how to manage the symptoms when you may need to. Intrusive thoughts are one of the most complained about symptoms.
This is when unwanted thoughts of the pathological person/relationship keep popping in your head. No matter how many times you try to ’not’ think about it, it keeps coming back. The problem with the imagery in your mind is that each time it pops in there it has the ability to trigger you. Your body responses to that trigger with adrenaline which just starts your whole stress cycle over again. So managing the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks is imperative to emotionally regulating yourself and living the gentle life
Living the gentle life means removing yourself from personalities that are similar to the pathological relationship. We often tend to migrate BACK to the same kinds of people and relationships we just left. These kinds of abusive people can cause an emotional avalanche. It is important that you understand the kinds of traits in people you should avoid if you have PTSD or stress. This could be people who remind you of the pathological person, loud or aggressive people, people who violate your boundaries or bother you in other ways. Stress and PTSD do mandate that you develop self protective skills such as boundaries—learning to say no or leave environments that increase your symptoms. Learn to migrate instead to people who are serene or leave you feeling relaxed and happy.
Creating your gentle physical environment will also help you emotionally. An environment that is soothing, calm, quiet, soft, and comfortable has the best chance of allowing an over-stimulated body to relax. Changing your physical environment for your emotional benefits and adding the relaxation technique can greatly impact the amount of emotional symptoms you experience. Learning ’emotional regulation skills’ for stress/PTSD is a must.”
If anyone is left out there, sleep well, cleanse your mind, think of your favorite place, a beach, a hill where the warm summer evening breeze blows softly through your hair, wherever it may be, imagine being there and being a peace with yourself : )
Night all!
Erin, just read your post, thank you so much, yes, at the moment i do feel powerful, to move on, who knows how I will feel tomorrow, but I know the seed is there and I am on my way to a better life withouth the stress, grief, strife and worry that that ahole p gave to me (sorry for cussing).
Thank you again for being you, I truly appreciate your support : )
Howdy, knowledgeempowers!
You’re a welcomed addition to the LF tribe. Thank you for the healing, inspiring quotes. We could always use oodles of those lovely words.
And whenever you’re comfortable and assured that you are in a supportive, safe, loving community please share your experiences, your stories, your thoughts, ideas with us because we care. We do. Mucho.
Goodnight to you and all the super awesome LF peeps.