Suppose you realize that you’re in an unhealthy romantic relationship. Or, your instincts are telling you that the person in hot pursuit of you is bad news. How do you end the involvement?
When you’re romantically involved with reasonably normal individuals, you usually try to spare their feelings. You don’t come out and say that they’re boring, or needy, or oafish, even if that’s what you feel. You make up excuses. You tell them that you’re getting back with an old boyfriend or girlfriend, even if that’s a lie. You say you’re just not ready for a relationship right now, even if that’s also a lie.
In essence, when breaking up with an okay person who just isn’t your type, you try to let them down easy.
This is precisely the wrong approach when breaking up with a sociopath.
Red Flags of Lovefraud
Perhaps this hot new lover has swept into your life, showered you with attention and affection, and is promising a wonderful future. Initially, you are swept off your feet, head over heels excited.
But, because you’re a Lovefraud reader, you eventually recognize this person’s inordinate attention as love bombing. You look for the other Red Flags of Love Fraud, and you see them.
Read Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath
In the meantime, your instincts have been trying to get your attention. You’ve been ignoring them, but you no longer can. You’ve seen the mask slip. There was a flicker of rage, or manipulation, or cold indifference. And this person is slowly trying to control you, under the guise of concern for your welfare, or wanting to be with you every moment of every day.
You finally admit to yourself that this is a bad situation, and you need to end it.
What do you do?
Rejection statement
The following advice applies if you’re in a relationship that does not include complications such as kids, property or massive amounts of money.
Tell the person ONE TIME that you do not want any involvement with him or her. Make your decision very clear.
In my Love Fraud and How to Avoid It presentation, I teach students the following rejection statement. It’s based on the recommended statement in The Gift of Fear, by Gavin DeBecker.
I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
I am certain I never will.
Put your attention elsewhere, because that’s what I’m going to do.
Do not contact me ever again.
Yes, it’s brutal. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. Remember, if you’re dealing with a sociopath, he or she doesn’t really have any. You want to make it very clear that you want nothing to do with this person.
By the way, yes, you can send the rejection statement via text or email. It’s safer for you, because if you’re not physically there, the person does not have the opportunity to manipulate you.
No Contact
After you tell the person ONE TIME that you do not want an involvement, you have no further contact with this individual.
- You do not talk on the phone.
- You do not send texts or emails.
- You certainly do not see the individual in person.
- You do not visit their Facebook page.
Some sociopaths will immediately start a campaign to win you back. They’ll call, text and email incessantly. DO NOT RESPOND.
If the person sends you 50 text messages, and after the 51st text message, you reply saying, “Leave me alone,” you have taught the person that it takes 50 text messages to get a response from you. So they start sending messages again.
There are several approaches to avoiding messages from the sociopath. You can block calls and text messages on your phone, or change your phone number. You can block emails or change your email address. The downside of these approaches is that the sociopath knows he or she is being blocked, and will try to circumvent your efforts.
Gavin DeBecker suggests another approach. He advises you to keep the phone number that the sociopath knows, but get another line. Give the new number to the people who you want to have it. The sociopath keeps calling, but the calls go to voice mail, which you never check. The benefit of this approach is that the sociopath believes the calls are going through, and you are ignoring them.
Physical danger
If the sociopath has been violent towards you, you need to be extra cautious. The most dangerous time for anyone in a violent relationship if right when you leave. The abuser will be angry about losing control over you and may strike out.
If the sociopath has not been violent towards you, but you know he or she has been violent towards other people, animals or property, you should still be cautious. Any history of violence is an indication that the violence could be turned towards you.
Therefore, use extra caution when ending the involvement with someone who is violent. If you are living together, leave when the person is not home. Ask your family and friends for support. You may need to contact police.
The return
When you tell them that the involvement is over, some sociopaths will leave you alone for awhile. Then, after weeks, months or even years, they return.
They admit that they were wrong in the relationship. They tell you that they’ve been to therapy, or to church. They say you were the best thing that ever happened to them, and they want to try again.
Do not fall for it. Sooner or later, you’ll see the same controlling or abusive behavior as before except it will be worse. And you, having taken them back, will have less emotional strength to throw them out again.
Dumping the sociopath
This is the basic outline for dumping the sociopath. It may need to be modified based on your situation it’s more difficult, for example, if you and your ex-partner work together. (In that case, you may need to look for a new job.)
Here are the key points:
- Tell the person ONE TIME that you want no involvement.
- Then, have NO CONTACT with the person.
Remember, No Contact is vital. It ends your involvement, and enables you to recover.
This is so true. You may even have to cut ties with any friends you have in common. Stop going to places you used to frequent together. And change your patterns or routines so you cannot be tracked. Run–do not ever look back!!
I filed a protective order against the abusociopath and 2 years later when it expired, he was waiting for me–like suddenly things would be better. We have a child in common. Things have gotten so bad…he is so scary..and 10x worse than ever!!
This is what I have learned:
*Consider a safety center for exchanges
*Or do exchanges in a brightly lit, public place & preferably in front of security cameras. Get an abuse advocate to help you plan out a safe exchange. It’s best if you park on one side of the bldg, and he on the other–using separate doors to enter/leave.
*Get an abuse advocate to help with safety planning.
*Create a journal or log to document the exchanges. Note times, date, possible witnesses and other pertinent info.
*Get as financial dependent as possible, and debt free. You do not want to ever rely on the abusociopath for anything. Get help from charity, church, friends, family–never go to him. One favor will entangle you in his web in a very bad way.
*Limit your contact/communication and keep firm boundaries. If you need to talk–set parameters. Schedule a time to talk on the phone, and be specific what you will discuss. Set clear expectations. Do not compromise yourself by taking a random phone call which can lead to abuse. Stick to your topic and as soon as they go into other areas–your past, getting back together, your faults, whatever–cut off the conversation firmly and hang up.
*Use a written exchange log or journal for communication. It is important you get a log that includes premade blanks spaces like a daycare uses. It will say things like when the child last ate, when they had a nap, any accidents. doctor appts etc. You cannot give the abusociopath a blank piece of paper–they will write nasty things or love letters or try to manipulate the log to their advantage
*The abusociopath will use your child to bait you. So be on guard.
*Get support for you and your child. It is so vital the child has healthy adults to model after–go to a church or church club, visit friends or family, enter the child into classes/sports or get a mentor…new experiences will counter exposure to this toxic parent
*Find ways to keep yourself strong & healthy–do not believe the lies or think you are deserving of this abuse!!
Every one of these tips was meaningful and useful to me, thank you for them.
Excellent article. We need to get the message out.
courageofjael – thanks for your additional tips.
Hi Donna- I have been eight months out and happy. It is very hard to leave but it is the way to begin anew life . My suggestion is for encourage therapy for those that left.
It really helps to understand our role in these relationships in order to have a better future.
I agree, excellent advice. Both your article and “The Gift of Fear” make it clear that if we ourselves are too needy, too trusting and too naive, we are just walking targets for predators: the users and abusers, and *they are everywhere.*
We *have to* take on the responsibility of our own protection. But sadly, each of us seems to only accept this hard fact, after having been badly mauled by a spath when we are needy, trusting, naive and vulnerable.
I think your lecture series for high school and/or college students is such an excellent idea and long overdue. Everyone needs a thorough grounding in the reality that yes, dear heart, there ARE such things as sociopaths/psychopaths, they come in male and female form, they are predators, and this is how to recognize their predator behaviors. Such classes ought to be part of the standard teaching curriculum in all schools. (Along with how to manage one’s finances, how to run a household, and classes in child development/child-rearing: they should all be standard.)
Keep up the good work, thumb’s up from me!
Babs
Educate everyone and maybe…just maybe…a lot of bullying will stop. We don’t know what kind of Hell someone has been through and young people should be taught that making fun of and/or isolating someone is unacceptable and cruel.
My sentiments exactly and thank you for putting it in words. The spaths and psychos are everywhere…in cars right next to us on the roads…in classrooms…in church…on the job.
The minute someone makes an undermining comment stay clear of them. It is the first ‘hook’ that they will sink, and if you are not aware or educated about these monsters you will ‘flounder’ and eventually drown.
For me, its not only the undermining comment that signals my “Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!” alert (from an old TV show from the ’60’s)” its also the sweet compliment, a hyper-intense gaze, perhaps an overwhelming amount of attention, or gifts appearing way too early in a relationship that signal to me that I may be experiencing “love bombing”, one of the manipulative tactics of a spath.
But reading “The Gift of Fear” helped me with that: helped me recognize that too much effusive attention too early, coming from someone who seems “too good to be true”, usually is something to be wary of. Like a sharpened fish hook hidden under choice delicacies that make your mouth water, or like the luscious, perfect apple offered to Snow White that was actually poisoned, the spath “hath the power to assume a pleasing shape.”
Beware of “too good to be true.” TGOF suggests always taking taking a new friendship or potential new intimate relationship very slowly, even if you feel tempted to be impetuous. Slower is always better.
Appallingly…the past will not let go. I left high school over 40 years ago but former classmates still associate me with the sociopath. I pretend I don’t care or just say, “Sorry. Haven’t seen her. I moved on.” Others have baited me and unfortunately I may have implicated myself once or twice (even though I have nothing to feel awkward about or ashamed of). Sometimes I quickly change the subject…my next shot at it will be to turn it back on them, “Well, who did you hang with 40-odd years ago? Do you still see them?”
At a family birthday party (my brother’s) something totally freaky happened. My husband was with me and he told me later how bad he felt for me. A former high school classmate, who happened to live right next to my brother, came slinking around the corner of his house and idled over to me. She asked why I had never attended a high school reunion. I told her I was either away, as I travel a lot, and that I lived in Canada for five years and lost touch with the past. She then said that she heard from another female classmate about how well my ‘spath’ was doing…really well. Then she said, “You used to be really good friends with her…what do you do now?” I quickly said, “I have done a lot of things and am happy.” My husband was very uncomfortable.
The message clearly was, “You left her because you became very jealous at her success.” First of all, after living my own life and achieving my own successes, I never even thought about this girl. I was too busy and had let go of the past.
Then to indicate to the accuser that she had not ruffled my feathers I asked out loud (to my brother), “Hey, Mike…have you gone on vacation this year?” Mike told the crowd that he and his son were going white-water rafting in Maine and mentioned the rafting company. My husband quickly replied, “Hey! That’s the same trip Barbara and I did! And Barbara was great at it…we got a prize for the way we handled ourselves…” I actually had pulled someone out of the water and into our raft.
I noted my accuser slunk away from the scene but she moved in such a way that it sent shivers down my spine. I felt morally and reprehensively attacked. I have felt like driving to her home and knocking on her door to tell her off…I have thought of sending her a letter. It does not go away…it haunts.
These former high schoolers are living in the town that we grew up in…I have been to many places and lived in Toronto, Montreal and Quebec City. My husband and I are considering Victoria, BC as a retirement destination (after seeing a lot more of North America).
The former classmates who never left our small town are still wrapped up in the past and have the same friends from high school.
I am proud to say that as offensive as this woman was to me (and inappropriate), I can feel sorry for her. She does not know any other life.
It is also nobody’s business what happened between me and the spath. I should not be called out on anything. And every member of my class that I am unfortunate enough to bump into mentions her to me, usually with the same implication. Maybe one of these times I will say, “Only if you tell me what happened between you and someone who you don’t see any more.”
My husband told me that if they accuse me of jealousy then it means that they themselves feel they were never jealous of someone. Truth to be told, it was the other way around in my case. My spath stole my identity and shadowed my life…
which is still happening. I was appalled to find out that she was doing the same things as me…including teaching and working with kids. She had lived in Japan and we breathed a sigh of relief that she was that far away. I have since looked her up, just to protect myself, and she lives several towns away from me.
She brought the ‘shadowing’ to absolute heights. She figured that I may totally exceed normal bounds, so she taught at a Berlitz School in Tokyo, moved back to the States, and worked at a childcare center in our former town…probably after finding out I worked in one too…in the same town.
Someone threw it in my face that she was running an exchange program (Japanese and U.S. students), and I just said, “That’s nice”. I did not mention what I had done. So I truly believe she felt I would teach in Canada, learn French, and serve as some kind of ambassador.
Truth to be told…all I wanted was to get away from her after high school. I remember putting up with her the summer after our first year of college (but I avoided contact with her as much as possible). That particular summer was a nightmare…my parents were sick narcissists and none of my siblings cared about me whatsoever. I attempted suicide after being cruelly taunted and fired from a job.
My biggest mistake was to return to the States, although I did want to earn my degree at a local state school…(my Canadian boyfriend decided to attend the University of Quebec).
I bumped into Tom while working for the Kennedy-Donovan Center in Ashland, MA. I provided respite for families with handicapped children (in some cases, adults) and started a bowling league that involved members of the deaf community.
I have nothing to be ashamed of, except for my family whose behavior has stymied me (and they haven’t changed). That is probably why I was so taken in by a spath…I was groomed for it right in my family or origin.
Barb:
You are so fully correct about not being responsible for the spath targeting you!
They tend to target people who are “too nice”, so if you’ve done anything, you’ve been Nice!! Hardly something to be ashamed of!!
They rely on our sense of trust to hide their true colors until they hook us in, then when things go south because they are predatory–yah!–they play the victim and as described in other write-ups, they “slime” you!
To be caught in their campaign of persecution is quite the surprise, but really, you are their scapegoat because they can’t lash out at the real source of their issues…so they slime you…or, nice people…because we’re easy targets!!
They’re Bad!! Their Bad!! There…Bad!!
To diminish another’s beautiful light is to interfere with loving vibrations…and that’s wrong.
We know that because we are nice people!!
Being nice makes us an easy target…so if you’ve done anything that could be brought up as a talking point…you were nice. It’s not a fault! Unless, of course, the person who’s making the judgment is a kook!
Kooks target nice people… If someone tries to further slime you, just say no…that being nice is not a fault!!
I like the way you used the word ‘campaign’. Isn’t that the truth? Like when you begin to notice how bad they are then you start to say they are bad…they have to get in front of that ‘train wreck’ and tell everyone how awful you are. The jerk in my life was so desperate he sued me for defamation of character. Seriously? That’s desperate.
It’s a do or die situation for them, I guess because if anyone finds out how awful they really are…..
haha it’s pathetic
Thanks for this great article. I was the one being “dumped” by the sociopath after 20 years. But today I am very thankful for this. I know he wanted me dead and by him being a cop he could have accomplished it. Luckily “new supply” came along, sexier, younger and more fun. He was not able to resist her and this saved my life . He was even surprised when I filed for divorce. He asked me “why did you do that for, do you think I am coming home by you filing for divorce?” This is how distorted their minds are. I filed for divorce and he was so arrogant and vain thinking I want him back. Thanks ms Donna and everyone here for encouraging the no contact. To my personally it was the most important step I took almost 6 months ago. The feeling of peace and freedom that comes with it is great. Good luck to everyone. I wish I found this website earlier I would have left my living in hell many years ago.
kaya, I am so jealous of you!
Mine went for a woman who was not available. The frustration was doubled. When he wants to Change the Channel on what happened, he just denies it occurred and actually uses the words: “That didn’t happen! You made it up!”
It did.
I didn’t.
Thank you for your post. I’ll celebrate vicariously the victory you’ve achieved even though mine still seems like a haze on the horizon. I’ve even considered sending “the other woman” some flowers and candies in hopes she will take him, am sure you know what I mean. 🙂
This is a fabulous article. Step by Step easy to follow. At the time I wish I had understood what kind of person I was dealing with.
My head was spinning and in a fog. Naturally, I made the classic mistakes. Thank You for the work you do, Donna. Share Share Share
I’ve read several articles and books in regards to this topic. Most with great advice including this one. I’m currently living with one of these men who bullied me into moving in with me and to marriage. We have no children together. Everyday my life is more miserable. I wonder if my problem is unique though and if anyone has any advice. We reside in my home. The mortgage, deed, etc is in my name only. After several arguments and me trying to get him to move out, I know this will never happen. He contributes nothing financially and couldn’t afford rent on his own. He would have no where else to go so the chances of him leaving are astronomical. Thus as soon as I am forceful with him having to leave, he does his controlling manipulation and is, of course, the nicest person in the world. Which I know is fake so I don’t know why I just keep pushing him out. Not that it would ever work. It would just be complete exhaustion until one of us gives up which is always me.
Most advice is to have an escape plan, your valuables, important paperwork, etc ready to bolt. Yes, he is abusive and has been physically abusive as well in the past. When the opportunity arises, get out and never look back. How I wish I could do this but if I get out I’m leaving my home which I bought and am currently paying for with no help from him. I’m just wondering if anyone else has encountered this and how did you succeed in getting your sociopath to move out when he relies completely on you for the needs of life… shelter, food, etc. He pays his own “luxury” bills… car, alcohol, cigarettes, entertainment, but the necessity bills are paid by me. If anyone has any ideas on how I could get him out of my home, I would love to hear them as I’m at my wit’s end!
He is a grown man and trust me he will figure it out, why? he is masterful at manipulating people…..part of his manipulation is for you to feel sorry for him. Start talking to divorce lawyers now.. then Pack up his belongings put them in the driveway, change the locks and get a security system installed the same day. Call your friends/family now and tell them what he has done to you as he will attempt to get them to help get you back and he will start a smear campaign of lies about you.
All of these guys are the same, they make you feel sorry for THEM but they never feel sorry for how they treat us.
He most likely has some money or a lot in the bank. Just know he is never going to change but he is changing you emotionally/mentally and not for the good. Check out facebook page After narcissistic abuse it’s a good chat site for women who have left/leaving their narcissist and one moms battle.
That is such a good point. He will figure it out. Whether he has no place to go is really not my problem. I guess one of my big obstacles is to keep driving that into my head. I shouldn’t feel sorry for him!!
I also never thought about it but you’re probably also right that he most likely has money. Probably not a lot. You see, he quit his job last year because he just “couldn’t take it anymore”. He was unemployed for 6 months. He borrowed $1400 from me. He began working in April and paid me $400 back. I’ve come to the conclusion I will not see the rest of it. That’s ok, if I can get him out of my life, he can keep it!
I’ve told a very close friend and she said the same thing. Change the locks and pack his stuff up. Probably the answer. A challenge but doable. He is always home. He works the same hours I do and he never leaves the house outside of work. Where there is a will there is a way!
Thanks for the response and I will check out the chat site. The more I talk about this the gutsier I get. I think my biggest problem is I need to overcome feeling sorry and to get up the courage to proceed. I know it is going to be a long and dramatic process and I probably hesitate because I’m not ready for battle.
Hi sara,
I gave myself so many reasons why I should stay with my ex h”including who would help him”he always needed “help—guess what he suckered everyone and anyone to “help’ him”it’s all part of his control and his manipulation cunningness and he hated being alone too so what better way not to be alone = get people to “help” him with what ever he needed help with.
When I left him after finding out about numerous affairs going on (again) I packed the car and left him he sent me a long ranting email stating he needed my help (lol)”.I sent him an email back with all his family members names and about 20 friends names that could help him”and I told him at the end “notice my name is not on the list and will never be on the list this day forward”, he stopped asking for my help because he knew I figured his game out. Your husband has a game plan to figure out exactly how he is manipulating you it will help you to stop feeling like you have to take care of him.
Looking back one of his ways to controlled me was monopolizing my time so that I never accomplished my dreams”and he would tell me I was worthless these two things eventually worn on my self esteem along with his other abuse. Bottom line I wish I would have just left him years earlier and once I made the first step I was able to run away from him fast”it was not easy when I first left very emotional coming out of his brain washing and brain fog but I can tell you I would never go back to him now and wish I would have left years earlier, Like you he suckered me to date him and marry him, I had zero interest, I too paid his morg, elect etc because he made me feel sorry for him”this is what con artist do they make you feel sorry for them.
Ask your friend to help you with a list of things you need to get done before you pack up his things and kick him out especially the financial side like stashing extra cash for lawyer, morg etc”.you must be 10 steps ahead of him because he will become ruthless once you do make your move. I would also suggest you find a counselor who is extremely knowledgeable with domestic abuse to help you open your mind up to his games, your local domestic abuse center may have a list of outside counselors for you. In addition the large box book stores have countess books on dealing with divorce and financial issues I would recommend you to read some of these books especially for financial side of things. I think lovefraud it the best site for info along with Donna’s books but lisa scott.com the path forward might help you out too click on “step 1-3 step 4-6”³ to see all the other women who have left their abusers statements, question etc they will help you too.
there is a great you tube video with oprah interviewing gift of fear author gavin debecker..a must watch. just google “oprah gavin debecker you tube”…it’s the one where she is in a orange sweater life class.
Dont feel you have to do all of this alone reach out for help from your friends, family, local domestic abuse center and a counselor. If you are in the USA you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor and to get local abuse center numbers…at the local abuse center they have free counseling, women group meetings and can help you with an EXIT PLAN.
Wishing you all the best!
ps read everything Donna (lovefraud) has posted under red tap at the top “con artist” specifically “pity play” here is part of it:
“According to Martha Stout, Ph.D., author of The Sociopath Next Door*, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is the pity play.
“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness,” Stout says. “It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”
Sarab:
If this poser has been emotionally, psychologically, physically and financially abusive to you–and he has–you can go to the local authorities (ask the police how and where)to get a temporary restraining order on him (TRO).
If/Since you are married with him, it goes through the Family Court, as mine did, even though I was not married to the kook, but he was posing as a love fraud–straight up!!
He was living with me, posing as a boyfriend, but acting like a one man crime wave! I had to shut down that man-ster!
Gather your evidence and present it to the authorities and tell them what happened. If he’s pulling his manipulative moves on you, then study up about manipulative people and their tools of abuse.
Does he get home and “watch TV” endlessly? Unplug and move the TV, pack it up and store it away. Tell him that you really don’t need to have the googlebox in the house anymore and he can go to the sports bar and watch TV.
Tell him you “need your space”, and that he needs to “get out of the house and get a hobby”. With any luck, (sorry to the ‘other women/targets to be’) he will meet someone who is “way more fun” than you!!
I went to another site that described how to make these kooks go away. The technique is called “grey rock”. It says you begin your eviction campaign by becoming SUPER BORING!! You have all the attraction of a grey rock! (hence my moniker, hinahina, which means grey in Hawaiian!)
If you are any fun at all, if you have money, looks, personality, and are active and sporty, it will be tough, but you can do it! It is possible! (I’m still fun, by the way, but not to him! He gets arrested if he contacts me!!)
I had a devil of a time trying to get rid of the parasitic leech after he’d decided to pull the long con on me. Fortunately for me and my son, the kook was addicted to porn and disgusting interchanges on Yahoo IM and Skype, was hustling numerous potential victims on multiple dating sites, trawling out-of-state dating sites and encouraging women to fly in for a “good time”, as well as making the rounds of what he called his “harem”, which was no doubt as many unsuspecting dupes as he could schedule into his less than busy days.
I rarely watch movies because I run lots of businesses, but while traveling recently, the new Star Trek: Into Darkness movie was viewable. I like science fiction, so I watched it.
Of course, all the scariest movie villains you will ever see are full blown kooks/psychopaths. They are the unexplainable, fearsome, hideous monsters that we’ve unfortunately been targeted by in real life. In this movie, ST: ID, the heroes are attempting to deal with the horror of the nemesis kook. The process of kook management includes a narrative where they describe the methodology: “that one must momentarily become like them to effect damage control, evict them and regain order for the larger good.”
It goes on that since we are not like them, the process is horribly distasteful and out of our character. However, they do not respond to normal logical processes; we call them kooks “for a reason”!!
Take note that because we are trusting people, we tend to trust and be trustworthy. We do not wake up in the morning figuring out how to cheat people and hurt them. However, these cretins do just that.
As mentioned above, do not be afraid to hurt their feelings. They have none. They exhibit rage as a manipulative tool, so protect yourself as you extract the cancerous detritus from your world. You may need to intermittently adopt some kook-technique in order to slip away from the slimer!
You can do it! Be innovative! Goodness always prevails!
sarab, I do have some words of advice for you.
You said: “How I wish I could do this but if I get out I’m leaving my home which I bought and am currently paying for with no help from him. I’m just wondering if anyone else has encountered this and how did you succeed in getting your sociopath to move out when he relies completely on you for the needs of life” shelter, food, etc.”
1. Tell him that as of January 1, you will be living alone.
2. Live with this decision (this is the hard part).
3. If he is still there on January 1, call the police and tell them you are putting his stuff into your yard, the home is yours and you don’t want him there. Issue him a written message to the same effect. Then, put his stuff out and leave it there. Make sure the police understand you have a domestic issue and that you feel helpless in managing it, you will find more support if you actually take steps to oust him as opposed to thinking or talking about it.
4. If you are afraid to do any or all of this, then tell him you have decided to move away and rent out the house, and do so unless you’d rather sell it instead.
5. If he suggests he has a right to stay there, call an attorney and ask them to issue him a letter saying he doesn’t or giving you a heads-up if he has some sort of claim that could be made against you.
6. Know that the author of this message is trying to follow her own good advice and don’t blame yourself for finding it hard. It is. It’s also necessary to preserve the rest of your life and avoid this dehumanizing, bizarre problem.
7. Believe that you didn’t deserve this to happen and that you’re entitled to better, which will come along once you’ve gotten him out of your home and eventually out of your life. Don’t expect this to happen overnight, rather issue a reasonable date ahead by which the changes will be made, and stick to your schedule. If you think Jan 1 is too soon, how about March? The important thing is that YOU know it will NEVER work, and once you’ve accepted that Reality everything else will seem easier.
I like the date idea. Sometimes I think January 1st is not far enough away!
Anyway, the police do know as they have been called in the past. And guess what! It was my fault creating such drama! Had nothing to do with his behavior. Yep, him threatening and physically coming after me was MY fault. Same old story.
I wish you the best of luck as well. Still in this situation but you seem to have a really good clear head on your shoulders. My fingers are crossed for both of us to get out of this mess! I read your other post. I’ll send flowers to the other woman as well for you! I have hoped for this outcome but unlike others, my husband is faithful. Not because he doesn’t want to be though. I’m sure of that. Maybe if he would leave the house other than to go to work it would increase his chances!
Thanks, Sarab, you’ll be in my prayers — and I’ll be signing your name to the “anonymous” love note my ex will be receiving, haha. Good luck with that! However when he shows up at your place, please note that I’ve already tried to satisfy him sexually, emotionally, financially and psychologically so you will have to find some other way to feed his insatiable appetites. 🙂
DO call the police again if you are scared, even if they blew you off last time. Keep a log of your calls and remind them they were there before. Also, be very nice to your neighbors going forward (the holidays are coming up, can you deliver some goodies or something to increase that bond?) so they will be more likely to help you out if necessary.
I’d like to say that the mean, cruel person currently inhabiting my ex’s body would protect you against the one in your house — but he only picks on women, children and old people. Sorry. 🙂 On the other hand, you could say that he IS a woman, a child and an old person, picking on himself. 🙂 The rest of us just got in his way.
I worry about the setting a date thing. It gives him too much time to plan retaliation. He could rob you blind while you’re at work. Mine would have. So I flat out told him ‘you are leaving now. find yourself a ride and get out’ and my kids were there (19 and 21) and made sure he didn’t take anything that wasn’t his. We loaded his stuff into a truck and I told him he was NEVER welcome in my house again (we were not married but were common law, in my house) and that if he set foot on my property except to pick up our son, I would call the police immediately. They are evil..do NOT worry about hurting his feelings and don’t care that he has nowhere to go..HE DID THIS…not you. Change the locks, take away his keys, protect yourself! (I also have a surveillance and alarm system)
SS
Please don’t sign my name! Haha… I don’t need anymore gems like the one I already have! I meant I would send flowers to the other woman he liked but it didn’t work out to try to help you woo her into liking him.
Everytime my spath comes home and mentions a hot girl he saw or he’ll even point one out to me if we are out together and say something about this person to me – hot body, etc., I think… would you please take her! I don’t know why he has the need to point this out to me all the time. I think it is a psychological thing but I’m not sure what he is trying to accomplish. What I wish he would accomplish is to actually make his move and find someone who is “better” for him.
Although on the downside of that, it isn’t fair to wish him on anyone else especially a stranger who is probably sweet and innocent thus his reason for attraction.
I actually think he is looking for me to play the jealous card and show that it bothers me. He is needy. Constant attention and constant interaction. He needs to desparately hear how much he is loved and appreciated. I suggest he find someone who will do that for him. Not sure how anyone would ever appreciate him though. Love, maybe at first. But that soon dies as well!
I agree with “Sociopathsuck”…dont give a date….he will sweet talk you to stay in the relationship then have time to plan to push you out of your home…plan ahead with these guys and DO NOT show them your poker hand….the only time I lied to my husband was weeks before I left him because I was putting my escape plan into place…it worked he had no idea I was planning on leaving him until someone dropped off divorce papers to him when he was on a business trip, had them delivered to him at our second office. It worked I was in a safe place all while this was happening.
Agreed, Kathy.
Sarab: To effectively remove the onerous mess, you must commit to the fact that he must not be part of your life any longer!!
You’ve been “too nice” and this kindness has been abused. You’ve suffered unnecessarily, but do not throw good money, time, energy after bad.
You must save yourself. You cannot save him. He is not help-able. He’s not like you, Babe.
Love yourself. Get rid of what’s broken…HIM!
This is to Sarab in response to comments by SociopathsSuck (they sure do!) but the program didn’t let me enter it above — and I apologize to the moderator if a Report came in instead, it was unintentional.
First, I too have concerns about Sarab’s pre-announcement and totally agree with everything else that SociopathsSuck said — everything else — and can even think of a few horrific potentials to add.
However I think it’s a matter of how it’s handled and the “lesser of evils,” here’s why.
1. If you don’t calmly announce a date in advance, then the subject won’t come up unless you’re in an argument. Then things could escalate and the ousting from the home feels more like retaliation than remedy to unrelated concerns.
SARAB: my advice is, do NOT relate your decision to live alone, to your relationship with your spath husband. In proposing that on X date you have decided to live alone, my further advice is that you raise the issue as though you’re having a life crisis of your own which is independent of anything he’s doing. Maybe you’re in luv with another woman, or think you’re losing your marbles, or want to be a ballerina, join the circus, or something — just “something else” and again, DON’T focus your decision on your “relationship” with him because he will feel more in control of that than some of the other issues you could bring up instead (if he runs a ballet school, you could have decided to become a truck driver, for instance).
2. If you raise the issue as though you’re concerned about his future whereabouts instead of trying to get him out:
a. This makes you manipulative
b. It doesn’t give you a chance to vent your anger
3. So what? — identify your values, God sees them for what they are and won’t ding ya for surviving, actually that’s His #1 instruction to us all and methinks He takes a dim view of our living under our husband’s rumps this way.
3. Giving him the heads-up in a kind way opens the door to invitations that you will help him find someplace else to live (since after all, you will be doing X and renting out the house, or whatever). DO help him move if you have to! Point out that it’s only FAIR in light of your long and (you’ll emphasize, “equitable”) relationship, that you ensure he is inconvenienced as little as possible. This, it’s hoped anyway, sets you up as little as possible for acts of retaliation since after all, you’re only “doing what you have to do” and thinking of his interests by telling him in a nice way. If you have to make up some shrink’s diagnosis, a sick sister (I’m not in Colorado but you can come to where I really am)or something else that will satisfy his narcissistic ego, that would be helpful. Bowel problems, a drooping uterus — or maybe that little mole is such an obsession to you that you’re unable to think of anything else, and now must split to the Amazon for further research and investigation on its underlying cause. 🙂
4. I have read and read and read about this topic, but the statement that has impacted me the most and to which I attribute whatever measure of safety I have, was this one (I’m sorry but don’t remember the source): “I told him he was a caring person who deserved to feel better about himself, and gave him the name and number of a therapist that I said had helped me and would probably be able to help him. After that (**get this part, sarab!**) I never heard from him again.” Just like all our own voices, the author of that online post had been the victim of a prolonged vicious attack by a spath, who’d shown her as much “caring person” as a roach in the bathtub.
5. When I calculated the odds that I’d be able to pull off an overtly aggressive encounter against my spath — as opposed to the odds that I could manipulate my way through his maze by feeding his head — I knew I had no chance at all against him directly and would have to make my escape the same way I was snared in the first place: calculated deception. First I had to come to grips with the fact he was a roach, so maybe I’m thankful he finally did such awful stuff that it became evident, or I’d feel very guilty to have decided to leave this sick self-abandoned creature behind.
sarab, please let me assure you that I wouldn’t dream of inflicting my roach on you or anybody else!!! just trying to be humorous, is all, we spend so much time weeping and yelling — or I do anyway. 🙂
In all honesty, I have seriously worried about the potential “other woman/women” in his life! after all, look what he did to me. 🙁
My suggestion is to make an appointment ASAP with a divorce lawyer, and then follow his or her advice to the letter. Your lawyer will be able to advise you on how to legally force your abusive husband to move out of your house and leave you alone.
I advise you to never again be alone with him. Always have a friend with you. Its not safe for you to be alone with this man, because he will either manipulate you verbally or he will be physically aggressive with you.
You don’t even have to speak with him again, at least, not alone. If its necessary to exchange communication with him, you can agree to have a meeting with him IN YOUR LAWYER’S OFFICE. If for some reason you find that you are alone with him and he insists on speaking to you, tell him that all conversations you have are now being recorded (and I suggest that you do record all conversations with him from now on, but you have to state that you are recording the conversation for it to be legal.)
I hope you will get the ball rolling soon. Men who are verbally abusive can easily escalate into physical violence. Pushing and shoving can lead to hitting and worse.
Please think about this, and if you’re “done” with the marriage, make an appointment with a lawyer pronto. Do it “yesterday.”
You probably get tired of hearing this, but THANK YOU for putting the information out there!! — not just you, Donna, but the many participants whose voices are also healing and pointing out the right direction to those of us out here in Space and still living through the nightmarish experience of trying to separate our lifelong interests and family members from a stubbornly entrenched nutcase.
Most recently, the spath I was married to nearly 30 years has come up with a purportedly-diagnosed Stage 4 cancer he doesn’t intend to have treated, and insists on going without health coverage. This is his (stubbornly entrenched) response to my sending the police following his latest overt suicide threat, which resulted in an expense at the hospital that he’s had to pay (that’s the part that really hurt, he’s not at all embarrassed or chagrined that the cops decided to take him in for a mental exam — which naturally he passed without a hitch because he’s not insane, just a spath).
Of course, when he dies — however he dies — he just wants me to feel responsible. I know that. Why this would be happening to me has been spiritually unclear (to say the least) so seeing it as dysfunction on his part has given me hope and strength that I desperately hope to pass along to our children. He doesn’t HAVE a Stage 4 disease, he IS one, and hellbent on spreading his misery and blight.
To everybody who has been in this sort of bind for a year: you don’t have a problem, just leave and call the police if they don’t go away.
To everybody who’s experienced the issues for ten years: you have a problem, but you can still get out, there’s lots of time.
To everybody stuck in a 20+-year marriage with someone like this: you have a big problem, but don’t die for it, we all die for something but it doesn’t have to be this. Leave a bright starpath across the sky where your life went, and make sure it goes the right place. What illustrations of ourselves we leave behind are a choice, not a cosmic accident.