Suppose you realize that you’re in an unhealthy romantic relationship. Or, your instincts are telling you that the person in hot pursuit of you is bad news. How do you end the involvement?
When you’re romantically involved with reasonably normal individuals, you usually try to spare their feelings. You don’t come out and say that they’re boring, or needy, or oafish, even if that’s what you feel. You make up excuses. You tell them that you’re getting back with an old boyfriend or girlfriend, even if that’s a lie. You say you’re just not ready for a relationship right now, even if that’s also a lie.
In essence, when breaking up with an okay person who just isn’t your type, you try to let them down easy.
This is precisely the wrong approach when breaking up with a sociopath.
Red Flags of Lovefraud
Perhaps this hot new lover has swept into your life, showered you with attention and affection, and is promising a wonderful future. Initially, you are swept off your feet, head over heels excited.
But, because you’re a Lovefraud reader, you eventually recognize this person’s inordinate attention as love bombing. You look for the other Red Flags of Love Fraud, and you see them.
Read Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath
In the meantime, your instincts have been trying to get your attention. You’ve been ignoring them, but you no longer can. You’ve seen the mask slip. There was a flicker of rage, or manipulation, or cold indifference. And this person is slowly trying to control you, under the guise of concern for your welfare, or wanting to be with you every moment of every day.
You finally admit to yourself that this is a bad situation, and you need to end it.
What do you do?
Rejection statement
The following advice applies if you’re in a relationship that does not include complications such as kids, property or massive amounts of money.
Tell the person ONE TIME that you do not want any involvement with him or her. Make your decision very clear.
In my Love Fraud and How to Avoid It presentation, I teach students the following rejection statement. It’s based on the recommended statement in The Gift of Fear, by Gavin DeBecker.
I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
I am certain I never will.
Put your attention elsewhere, because that’s what I’m going to do.
Do not contact me ever again.
Yes, it’s brutal. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. Remember, if you’re dealing with a sociopath, he or she doesn’t really have any. You want to make it very clear that you want nothing to do with this person.
By the way, yes, you can send the rejection statement via text or email. It’s safer for you, because if you’re not physically there, the person does not have the opportunity to manipulate you.
No Contact
After you tell the person ONE TIME that you do not want an involvement, you have no further contact with this individual.
- You do not talk on the phone.
- You do not send texts or emails.
- You certainly do not see the individual in person.
- You do not visit their Facebook page.
Some sociopaths will immediately start a campaign to win you back. They’ll call, text and email incessantly. DO NOT RESPOND.
If the person sends you 50 text messages, and after the 51st text message, you reply saying, “Leave me alone,” you have taught the person that it takes 50 text messages to get a response from you. So they start sending messages again.
There are several approaches to avoiding messages from the sociopath. You can block calls and text messages on your phone, or change your phone number. You can block emails or change your email address. The downside of these approaches is that the sociopath knows he or she is being blocked, and will try to circumvent your efforts.
Gavin DeBecker suggests another approach. He advises you to keep the phone number that the sociopath knows, but get another line. Give the new number to the people who you want to have it. The sociopath keeps calling, but the calls go to voice mail, which you never check. The benefit of this approach is that the sociopath believes the calls are going through, and you are ignoring them.
Physical danger
If the sociopath has been violent towards you, you need to be extra cautious. The most dangerous time for anyone in a violent relationship if right when you leave. The abuser will be angry about losing control over you and may strike out.
If the sociopath has not been violent towards you, but you know he or she has been violent towards other people, animals or property, you should still be cautious. Any history of violence is an indication that the violence could be turned towards you.
Therefore, use extra caution when ending the involvement with someone who is violent. If you are living together, leave when the person is not home. Ask your family and friends for support. You may need to contact police.
The return
When you tell them that the involvement is over, some sociopaths will leave you alone for awhile. Then, after weeks, months or even years, they return.
They admit that they were wrong in the relationship. They tell you that they’ve been to therapy, or to church. They say you were the best thing that ever happened to them, and they want to try again.
Do not fall for it. Sooner or later, you’ll see the same controlling or abusive behavior as before except it will be worse. And you, having taken them back, will have less emotional strength to throw them out again.
Dumping the sociopath
This is the basic outline for dumping the sociopath. It may need to be modified based on your situation it’s more difficult, for example, if you and your ex-partner work together. (In that case, you may need to look for a new job.)
Here are the key points:
- Tell the person ONE TIME that you want no involvement.
- Then, have NO CONTACT with the person.
Remember, No Contact is vital. It ends your involvement, and enables you to recover.
To anyone here who is still trying to get away from a spath, but is caught up in the details of their lives, and what makes their situation different from all the other situations. FORGET THE DETAILS, UNLESS THEY ARE ABOUT YOUR SAFETY AND GET AWAY. Don’t waste one more day on details about being polite, kind, considerate.
These are virtues wasted in this situation. They are not good tools to use when getting out of a relationsham. Just like Donna pointed out, being polite is not called for. Being clear and decisive is.
Let go of ‘things’ that might be lost: your favorite curtains, some money, etc…HONESTLY, these things are small prices to pay to get away from Mr. Despair and Ruin.
It will be the single hardest thing to DO. But DO it. It takes action.
What happens to YOU is your concern. Not what happens them, or what the neighbors/friends think. Take it from me, wasting another second is not going to make it easier, better, smoother, or more comfortable.
But it will make it the soonest it can be. What you want back is your life, each precious second of it. Once you get through the shock and inconvenience you will be so happy to have your own life back, you won’t miss any things you might have had to forfeit.
I lost about 22- 30,000.00 dollars, and a bunch of household things. Oh well. What I got in exchange was a so worth it. I got the time to understand, grown, heal, and THRIVE.
Now I see movies I like. Go on walks, yoga, and hang with loving friends and family. I get to SLEEP! yay! I go eat food I like. I can focus on my profession, and get satisfaction from work well done. I can read a book! I can hang out with my cat. I got to find a new partner and get married. I get to love someone who is kind, and loves me back. yay! I got to be smarter, wiser, and more loving. I am more respecting of myself and others.
Compared to what I lost: innocence, naiveté, some ‘stuff’, $.
Getting away is definitely the better deal. And, the SOONER the even more better. (love that grammar, huh?)
Slim
Healthy words, Slim, and you’re right about what you say.
Here is a further addition for the Faint of Heart: I am the stickiest, gooiest, most emotionally attached person you will ever hear from — and EVEN I have stopped feeling nostalgic, sympathetic and devoted. It DOES happen, it DOES stop hurting, the ache goes away!!
As Slim says, whatever this costs is way cheap.
EXCELLENT advise and also Donna’s post!!!
I wish there was a way to “like” this post. I know some people don’t tend to agree, but I’m very much a proponent of cutting your losses and getting on with the business of living a good life. I don’t know how anyone can do that when you’re fighting over money and tangible goods because that forces you to stay engaged in the madness. (Custody battles are, of course, a different story)
The only thing I lost that I couldn’t replace was time.
Just a question…
Do these people know who they are?
or do they just live in their reptilian brain?
What are they missing?
They appear to have all the same baseline behavior.
Talk me down….please
They know they’re different but they tend to think they are superior and that normal people are weak.
What are they missing? Well, for starters, they have clear structural deficits and functional abnormalities in the brain. And then it all goes downhill from there.
Yes, and Yes again. It’s and, not or.
They are missing a conscience, what we loosely call the Soul.
The empty shell houses the same creature, the subhuman unevolved self. Whether we describe the result as infantile behavior, as selfishness, stubbornness or sadism, it’s an awareness of the Divine that is “missing” so the other ingredients shine through instead.
Easily the most compelling part of the experience is having to identify and intentionally direct the Divine in ourselves in order to counter the toxic effects of this disconnection from what has been learned over eons of human development.
Come down off the ceiling and hang in there, dear, it’s not you! and you’re not going insane (we should be so lucky, who has time for the breakdown we deserve to have?!). 🙂
Hi LIbby, if you go to the top of Lovefraud.com (the red bar that runs along the top) and click on “beware of sociopath”, then the “key symptoms” tab then “are they insane?” you will find this:
“Psychopaths do meet current legal and psychiatric standards for sanity. They understand the rules of society and the conventional meanings of right and wrong. They are capable of controlling their behavior, and they are aware of the potential consequences of their acts. Their problem is that this knowledge frequently fails to deter them from antisocial behavior.
“In my opinion, psychopaths certainly know enough about what they are doing to be held accountable for their actions.”*
Libby, It sounds like you have been pushed to your emotional limit by the sociopath in your life, they are awful, cold and love to mess with their victims minds. Like ColoradoKathy stated it’s NOT you they are the crazy ones!!
Check out the videos at the top of this page under the Red tab too labeled “videos”…Donna has about 10 videos that will explain the person that is emotionally and mentally harming you. I would also suggest you call the National Domestic Abuse hotline in the USA it’s 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor 24/7, if you are not in the USA then google your countries name with the words “national domestic abuse hotline”.
Please know you are not alone…keep reaching out for help!
“No contact” saved me! I look back now and wonder why it was SO hard to cut that man out of my life. He would have kept at the mind games and abuse as long as I continued to respond to him.
It’s not worth the emotional upheaval to creep a sociopath’s Facebook or Twitter pages, or drive by his house to see what’s going on. Just go.
Honestly, I was tempted to look at my spaths Facebook page, but I had a fear he would find me through that peak at his page. As irrational as that sounds, I’m glad I had it.
” No contact ” is absolutely a saving grace!
It’s been 2 months since I’ve posted anything on this site. I was in a dangerous situation… still hiding actually. I’m in essence starting over again, but it is worth it!
It’s sick but I miss him sometimes until I think about his escalatiion from yelling, to insutling to physically restraining me. the missing him passes.
Thank you DOnna and to all of the particpants here. I honestly COULD not have done it, and I don’t think I WOULD have gotten away if it was not for you, this site and everyone on here.
I think I would no longer have been on this earth if I would have stayed. Thank you Everyone!
Colorado kathy,
Yes I was very lucky this other woman came along. She was and still is his co worker deputy. I truly hated her first before realizing that she saved my life. Had he not left his family for her I would still be lied to, cheated on and played like a fool. She is young, single, sexy and has “very long hair”. So she was perfect new supply for him. By him being almost 50 it was a bait he could not resist. I saw the pictures and emails they were exchanging. It made me sick to my stomach. That was 9 months ago. I filed for divorce on July 8th. I don’t know where I got the strength from but I knew this was my only choice. Yes I do want to send her flowers also thanking her for taking my place. She will meet the same fate I did. My son and I will be fine. It’s a good thing he cannot have any more kids. I would not want another child to go through what my son and I went through. As far as her she asked for it by engaging in an affair with a married police officer. By her being a police officer also she should have had some standards and morals. But my victory is that this evil being is out if my life.
Regarding the next victim/target. I divorced the spath once, handing over my large house and even my business in a desperate attempt to get away, but it wasn’t enough. I moved into a second smaller house nearby while the kids lived with him in the big house. We agreed to remarry to redistribute property about a yr later (yes we were involved again – but I had no intentions of staying married, just wanted my things back. I moved back into my house and bought him a new place – he moved out but came around constantly. In June 2010 he met a super sweet man I’ll call Joe (spath is bisexual)and they started up and I was SOOOO glad because at least on the weekends he had someone else to obsess about. I felt extremely guilty because once i met Joe I knew spath would take him for a ride. I struggled with this and finally, one night while Joe and I shared a glass of wine, I told him he should get out, that spath was not what he seemed and he was not the right man for him. 3 months later when all hell broke loose and the rapes and abuse of the kids was coming to light, this man sat in my house while spath wove a tear jerking story of his life of sexual abuse at the hands of his gay cousin….Years of abuse by dozens of his cousin’s friend etc.to explain why he had done what he did. A normal healthy man would have run for the door. This guy stayed for 2-3 yr (I have zero contact so hard to say) After I finally sold the house and moved out of state, spath also started seeing HIS own son’s 21 yo ex-girlfriend. His BF lived far away so only came on weekends and spath denied the relationship with the young girl. I have pic of spath in bed with GF which I took when I walked into my house during the sale and emptying of the house. Anyway,a few months ago, got a text at 2am from “Joe” saying “You were right, how funny is that? Not the man for me after all.” I texted “not funny at all just sad.”. Joe says his life was destroyed by meeting the 2 of us. Funny when I was the only one that tried to warn him. He made it clear that he hates me and blames me for the destruction to his life. He’s drinking heavily but claims to have moved on. I pray to meet this man again one day face to face. He never knew me except through spath and somehow he blames me for everything. When I left, I had no contact at all with any of them. No games, no nonsense – just gone. Yet I’m blamed. I carry some guilt because I didn’t try hard enough to tell him – but after finding out about the abuse, he should’ve opened his eyes. What kind of man stays after learning this about his new partner. I started to wonder if “joe” maybe had his own dirty secrets and that’s why he didn’t judge. Who knows.
the F4 tornado of destruction these guys create is never ending…how many victims do they really have with their secret lives? How many victims end up emotionally broken down but do not seek counseling to find out the truth?
Thetenthchair, had you not warned Joe then you would feel guilt…you can not win when it comes to dealing with a sociopath. I bet that Joe confronted your ex about what you said when his mind was finally clearing from his brain fog/mind control and that is when your ex was able to twist everything back on you…they are masterful at this manipulation and also through their pity play, you will never win except ethically/morally you win by warning the newest victim.
When I left I warned all three women he was cheating with that fact he is a socioapth (just found out myself from a counselor) and honestly I could not, not tell them to me it was a moral obligation which I did struggle with for a while (whether to tell/not to tell).
One took my warning and dumped him immediately she had no idea he was married (smart girl) the other two were to far into his brain washing and his twisting everything back to me…one day my words will pop into their minds when his mask truely starts to fall and they will run/look on line for info on his disorder. Dispite one sending me a nasty email calling me dumb (even though I went to a top univ same one my ex went to/have the same complex job my ex has) she still called me stupid…I kept my ego out of my return email to her and ask her to come to lovefraud, othersites gave her a list of books to read about his disorder…I still feel it was the moral/ethical thing to do as I fear for their safety/life. I have know idea if they are still involved with my ex (i moved to another state) but I do pray for them every few months for their safety.
When I look back I am mad at myself that I did not follow my gut when I met him…I did not like my ex from day one, I knew something was off with him but had no idea what, he was a friend of a friend…little did I know how quickly a socioapth can suck you into their delusional world even when you are fighting every inch of the way.
I think you did the right thing telling Joe and I think you are right that Joe had his own secrets/trauma issues that bonded him to your ex even more.
You are so right about the path of destruction they leave. It’s unbelievable to me how they can just go on like nothing happened after the destruction. I don’t want to warn the “new victim”. The fact that he was married and she knew about it should have given her enough warning. To be honest I do find some pleasure on knowing that very soon he will manipulate her, cheat on her, lie and betray. I have my sanity back and I am on my way to recovery. Sometimes I wonder though how they can pretend to be loving husbands and fathers and the truth is that they are pure evil. I pray everyday that my son came out of this mess unharmed.
Great comments everyone! Thank you!