You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Donna,
I am beginning to see that getting on with my life ……and ignoring him is the best weapon against him. He hates to be ignored. He also hates that I have walked away without a thought for him. Well, No Contact has him believing I do not care one iota. The reality is a little different but I can get over that, in time.
I especially liked the quote from Confucius
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”
Hatred and bitterness and thoughts of revenge can surely destroy a person. I already experienced a window into the dark side when I was with the spath. Not a place I want to revisit.
Romans 12:19 (King James Version)
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
Is this the Bible’s way of saying what goes around comes around?
Thank you Donna for validating me this morning. xxoo
Oh yes, definitely: the only way to go with a psychopath.
NO CONTACT. It took me like six times before I finally got it right. I mean, everyone should be willing and able to just ‘work things out’, right? Not so with a spath/ppath. They DELIGHT in drama and chaos. The revenge is in NO CONTACT. Just flick them off your shoulder like pigeon poop. Give them their due. There is no ‘working things out’ with a spath/ppath, only more opportunities for them to get close enough to physically and emotionally and psychologically harm you!!!!! No more!
I just spent the past four days, trying to figure out “WHY” this stalker just continues on and on…I have not spoken a peep to it since April and yet, the stalking still continues.
Oh yes, hate, bitterness and thoughts of revenge CAN completely eat a person up but it’s not happening in MY situation. Closed door: SLAM! No further contact. Our association is OVER as we knew it.
It took me a while to get over the feelings but I am starting to toughen up now and I really don’t give a rats behind WHAT he does, where he goes, what happens to him. He never gave a rats behind what he did to me. In fact, he laughed about it and found it quite amusing, all the dastardly things he has done.
Well, the joke is on him.
HE is the one with the loser life.
The empty life. And, nobody he ends up with now or in the future is going to be any different than it already has been in all of his relationships because he is INCAPABLE of feeling.
Yes, strongawoman:
Romans 12:19 (King James Version):
“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place
unto wrath: for it is written, vengeance is mine; I will repay,
saith the Lord.”
Exactly. What comes around goes around.
In some way or another they shall reap what they sow.
Never forget that. Even if we can’t SEE it or WITNESS it,
I absolutely BELIEVE, with my entire being, KARMA does and WILL justify us. Absolutely.
I see karma at work as I write, in the things that has happened to “ITS” life. Webs, lies, deceptions…kind of difficult to keep them all straight, when you tell so many….hmm…the new ‘victims’ will be bamboozled for a little while, only until they have “IT” figured out. True, they can keep the facade going for years at a time, however, the mask DOES eventually melt and slip off their face. FOR EVERYONE.
I am doing alright. Four days of non stop peace and quiet.
Wonder when the next intrusion will present itself. Hm?
I stand firm and strong on my decision to not let this in my life any longer. Not even LEGAL ATTENTION is he going to get.
Because “I” know that is exactly what “IT” wants: more attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad; remember?
As long as they are getting your attention.
Yes: they absolutely HATE being ignored.
ABSOLUTELY, considering they like to be the center of the drama and attention.
I figured that out; it took a while, but that is the best revenge: living your life well.
ABSOLUTELY.
Love to you all this Monday,
Dupey
I was fortunate in that I was actually able to seek justice against the one I was involved with by turning him into the army for fraud and adultery. He was investigated, found guilty, and punished in some way that I was not informed of. The entire process took about a year, and unfortunately, during that year, he was still in my thoughts because of the long drawn-out process. I’m so glad I did it because our taxes were paying his wages, and this is completely unfair. I did it more for justice than personal revenge, because I just wanted nothing more than for him to exit my life and leave me alone.
In spite of the added bonus of exposing him to the army, the best revenge for me was when I moved on with my life to the point where I no longer hated him. I stopped caring one way or the other. He just became “someone that I used to know” to quote that Gauthier song. I could care less about him these days.
Yay! For Star!!!
I am at just about the same place now.
“Someone that I used to know…”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY
That’s it too.
Congrats on getting some justification.
I am still waiting on mine, legally…it will come, sooner or later.
Dupey
*Edit: If my ‘justification’ doesn’t come in a legal way, I already have some justification in the fact that “IT” is no longer a part of my world. The day that “I” convince MYSELF that all this was a ‘figment of my imagination’ is the day I will be successful in my goal of forgetting it, moving on and completely healing. When “IT” is no longer a focal point of my attentions, be those attentions INFLICTED or otherwise.
Dupey, I love that video soooooooooooooo much! I know Gotye wrote it as an amalgam of experiences and isn’t intended as a spath song… BUT that video captures so well how the one who now ignores him heals… she’s alive and separated from the background, whereas he becomes and stays part of the background.
darwinsmom: oh yes, excellent song.
I like the part: “…all the times you screwed me over…”
Fits.
Goyte has an exceptionally LARGE mouth; doesn’t he?
Like someone else I used to know. Scary. No offense Goyte.
xxoo
Star,
I love your story about backspathing your spath. I remember I think ERIN BROCK also had a great backspathing story. And of course, our very own DONNA did too.
I think the challenge here honestly is NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN. I think it’s one thing to honestly try to prevent contact (try not to see him on the street, try to block the text messages, try to block the emails)……and it’s another thing to BLOCK HIM OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND HEART.
Focusing on the latter is much more difficult. I mean, we’re all here today because the spath is taking up room in our heads, is he not?
I keep working hard on this. I realized I am working hard at getting the spath out of my head, but I am working even harder at forgiving myself for my repeated hopefulness and my repeated faith in his ability to change. LOL!
NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN is more about ME LIVING WITH MY OWN INTEGRITY. I am not going to blame myself any more, I am not playing the victim any more, I am not shaming myself any more for allowing this snake into my life. It happened. So what. Time to move on.
Athena
Yeah, dupey, I don’t know if you ever read the whole story of my backspath, but parts of it were quite hilarious. The spath was so stupid that it was he who hung himself. The entire story is on the “Dumb Sociopaths” thread (or some title like that. The ironic thing is, I originally did not want to turn him in. I just wanted him off my internet forum and out of my life. I told him if I so much as saw him on the forum again, I’d turn him in for adultery. So he could have walked off scott free with a nice pension from the army for a medical condition he was faking. I didn’t even know he was faking a medical condition until the commander told me they suspected it. But they had no witnesses who’d seen him behaving normally without the medical condition (that’s where me and my friends came in). So he would have gotten away with it. Instead, he called my bluff and posted on the forum the next day. And to boot, it was a picture of him with his wedding ring on (he’d told me he just got divorced). So he really cooked his own goose. I called his commander and told him about the adultery. Turned out I was the key witness that got him on fraud AND adultery. My friends and me. There were about 5 of us all together who gave sworn statements. That was the nail in his coffin. Apparently, he’d been faking the condition for 2 years (!) complete with a fake limp, phony facial tics, and claiming no feeling from the waste down. When he tried to tell the army that my friends and I were lying, lo and behold! I’d taken all kinds of pictures of him doing things that a disabled person would not be able to do. When he tried to lie about our relationship and say we were just friends, well what do you know…..I just HAPPENED to save his 25 voice messages on my voice mail telling me how “special last night was” and how much he was in love with me. ha ha ha. What a dumbshit he was.
(It’s so much fun recounting the backspath. LOL)
callmeathena,
eventually you can put them out of your heart and mind… All the ex-spath is to me now is an example to compare with other examples. It’s just that psychopathy and sociopathy have become such an integral and important subject for me, and this community is the sole one I can discuss present events, impressions and opinions and things I learn with.
No matter how supportive my friends and my family are… They are not so thoroughly interested in it as I am. They are interested but not on a daily basis. My mom took 10 red flags of Lovefraud out of my library just before I moved 2 weeks ago and is reading it of her own volition. Noticed it was gone and discovered it at my parents. She was also the one who tipped me off on an interview article with Hare in a Belgian weekly magazine Humo and cut out my reader letter. My best male friend is interested too and uses some of the info he got with regards his boundaries while he’s dating all over the place with other men he meets on the internet. I can see that it has become a subject for the people around me, but not as much as myself.
And I want to help people who are going through the stages we all have to go through at our own pace. You are my sisters and brothers. You all experienced that same part of humanity you wouldn’t wish on anyone sentient.
Speaking of back-spathing: I have saved every single death threat that he has left on my answering machine and by text and email. I have saved every single stalking and harassment that the assorted ‘minions’ have left on my answering machine. They have been turned over to the prosecutor’s office and have been there for the past two years, since the first death threat. I could never serve a restraining order in the allotted 21 day time frame, being he is homeless and living off internet women, with no address, so the local law enforcement has taken up my ’cause’ all on their own. They are only a phone call away from me. ONE MINUTE and I have been repeatedly told that if I EVER need them, just call and they will be happy to respond and “IT” knows it. He has met them all before.
The authorities around me know he has tried to murder me before.
They are NOT very happy with him either.
Nobody but his ‘minions’ are happy with him and that’s only because they are being DUPED.
If that’s not back-spathing, I don’t know what is.
I bet, long about now, he is really truly very sorry he ever got
himself involved with me…..
Let’s see how long this lasts, where it’s SOMEWHAT quiet…
Dupey