You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
I have always qualified by statement somehow. I am only 99.999% sure. Like I said, there where other indicators as well that I missed. One of those being his general appearance. the first time I ever saw him with his shirt off, I was actually concerned. My though was, “he does not take good care of himself,” having very thin arms, thin legs but a bit of a pot belly. Such a physique is very consistent with lipoatrophy…
But such is the sociopath — they always give you plenty to think about. Especially given that the reason I thought he dumped me was because of my being honest about my HIV scare, one that was very real to doctors at the hospital to which he took me.
I’m seeing spaths everywhere. Now a fellow has written me through my website and said he was a documentary film producer/editor and heard a radio interview out of California…his latest gig is about psychopaths and he wants a “human” side to the aftermath of spaths. I have zero trust and the poor guy went through hell to get me to believe he was who he said he was:
1. Because I’m just not a good enough person (in my mind) to attract positive attention…
2. Because he said he was safe due to the fact he has a wife and 3 kids. Ummm, so did my dad so that won’t fly.
3. He said he will call me when I asked for his phone number…said he has a “telephone plan” and it’s best if he calls me. WTH? A “telephone plan?” How does a big film director worry about telephone plans?
Call me suspicious but this is just one out of about 10 concerns I have with this fellow. My friends say I am overly suspicious and should just run with it. So I am. But not at my house (which is what he wanted) and not in his car. I am far more hyper-sensitive about new contacts today than I ever was before.
I loved all the comments about this borderline personality label…what, exactly, is a borderline person? Doesn’t sound like a label I’d want to hang my hat on.
In my experience spaths rarely get in to see the doctor about their mental health because they are not mentally ill, they MAKE mentally ill people. They breed them and they groom them and then they go for the juggler and suck the last drop of life out of them. Then the survivor goes to the doctor and gets labelled “borderline personality?” I do not like where this is heading, I said to one doctor – so he said, “what about ADHD…?” Like he was asking me what is wrong with me must have a label.
Bull****! Doctors have said over and over that they hand out labels and pharms like candy because that is what the public demands…people want answers to their ailments.
I’d hazard to guess that this makes the medical and pharmaceutical industries very happy and rich indeed.
There is nothing wrong with me other than growing up with spaths and learning that I do not matter in this world; that I am simply “supply” for spaths; and that evil always wins.
A bit pessimistic but I refuse to fall for the label game on survivors of spaths anymore. It is what it is…just a survivor of spaths – and I’m one of the lucky ones who got away.
No borderline person here 🙂 .
((((hugs)))))
LOL I wonder if a spath came up with that label? I really do wonder.
Borderline Personality disorder is, like Sociopathy, a Cluster B Personality Disorder. Both are destructive and toxic with interpersonal relationships, but there are differences, centered around degrees of empathy and the ability to feel guilt.
Since 75% of Borderlines are women and 75% of Sociopaths are men, some speculate that they are female and male versions of the same underlying disorder, expressed somewhat different due to male androgens, given that high Testosterone levels in men is associated with increased aggressiveness and decreased empathy.
Thanks behind_blue_eyes…
I’ve heard that before. I need some testosterone as I tend to be hardest on myself and I have way too much empathy for others – to the point of being emotionally crippled in relationships. I find too often I ensure others are satisfied and my needs are not met. I heard we teach people how to treat us; which explains a lot in my case. I love that the education we get in this blog. I want to make that clear as I said earlier that unasked for advice can be hurtful. There is a big difference between that and what we can share with others to offer a lending hand.
🙂
I havent been on here for alone time. you can have a look at my profile to find out about more about me. I feel some days ok, some days like dying, I have let this man into my heart my home, my bed now 3 times and after being told its him, he fucked up, he is no good. Which I agree, but you cannot help who you full in lov with. remember we lived together and we were to have got married. He did all those blames, if he could have blamed me for breathing in and out too he would have. I dont know why Im like this, maybe its cos of my bad legs, or that my father was a wife basher, even killed me I found myself in hospital, with him telling me tell them you fell down. Any way the man I loved, I found out that he had an affair on me, he made my friends totally dislike me, they belived him, why I dont know, still loved him no matter what he did I still loved him. I ended up writing a letter to the woman he now lives with ( he has been seeing me for the 2 years of the 2 1/2 halfs he has knowen her. He told me maybe we can get back together, I lov you back then inbetween and even today. She is not the kind of woman you would want to stay with all your life. she thinks Im a bitch, a trouble maker. Im not, any how about three weeks ago I told him I cannot do this any more, I hurt without you, I hurt when I see you, as you keep going home to her. She is his money machine, she pays for anything and everything to keep him, at least I will not do that, thats why he is not coming back, but Im a woman that looks good, cleans well, and cooks two dinners aday, so for him, he even though he had to pay, and hated it, he got treated like a king, just like my mother treats my no good father. He is still with this woman, I had a blank message just 2 weeks ago, then as I didnt reply, another saying sorry about that. I did reply, and sorry to everyone that thinks Im stupied, I wrote back, leave me totally alone, unless you have totally finished with her, and you have to except my son he is a part of me, ( he has a mental illness its not that bad any more and that was one of the blames). I had to see my girlfriend last night and I have to pass his place, his car wasnt there when going and coming back, I went past at 11pm, he is normally home for work the next day by 9.30pm, I wrote a letter to him before our last meeting posted it at 2.20am on a tues morning, so not to hurt joe at his place, (she only lives down his drive way ) so you can understand. that was a monday/tuesday morning too, and his car was not there. I just realised last night, that he is just leaving broken hearts every were, he on his last meeting with me, now listen to this, told me he will never say he doesnt lov me, but he cannot ( this is before the blank message) cannot give me what I want, cannot make me happy, he used too ONCE. also, when he has finished with Joe, then it will be up to me if I want to take him back, if in 6 months, a year or so. I found out last night, that poor woman just like me must be going through so much pain, and just also is putting up with it, he must be seeing someone else, besides his ex. I want revange, how, I always groom myself, thats what he likes also about me, I already lost heaps of weight. I want him to feel the hurt he has given me. by the time Im over him I will be 54-55. and I will not be able to walk most likely. He has taken away the days I could have been going to the beach, walking, dancing even a bit, making lov. I will be no good for anyone when over him. I have gone to many councilors, none so far have been able to help. I cry everyday.
Hello Everyone: Just leaving a note. My computer completely crashed as it was hit by a nasty virus. It’s in the process of getting fixed. Should be alright shortly. In a way, it’s been like a little vacation away from all the cyber stalking. So, everything seems to have a good point; hm?
I have managed to borrow a lap top for this moment and thought I would come here and leave you all a little note to say ‘hello’ and to let you know that I am still alive and that everything is going pretty well.
My “IT” is getting farther and farther in the past now and I am finally able to have some ‘quiet time’ without all the garbage of a stalker. A psychopathic one, to boot! It has been quiet for a little while now, so whatever has “IT” captured is working wonderfully! I don’t know what it is and don’t want to know. I just want it GONE GONE GONE!
hen: sorry I missed your Birthday!
Hope you had an awesome one!
Hope you got to eat cake and got lots of presents!!! xxoo
Well, time for me to close for now.
You all take good care of yourselves and keep on, keepin’ on.
This life was meant FOR US too so don’t be shy to stand up and take what belongs to you.
Blessings and love to you all.
Dupey
Dupey!! there you are. Glad to “read” you are safe and well.
Blondeblueeyes,
You are goin to have to cut him off, out of your life. Totally. Seriously, you’re not going to let him back into your life when he’s finished with the current gf? You say you love him. What is it about him that you love? I once tried to write a list of positive and negative attributes about my ex. It was extremely short on the positive side……I found him attractive …..that was about it.
Maybe one of the reasons that you counselling hasn’t helped is because you havent accepted what he is and that you have been involved with someone who doesn,t love you but is using you, and other women it would seem, for his own personal gain. It’s not your fault. Your life is not over. It’s just very hard to accept and move forward with he grieving process when you are still enmeshed in his life.
No contact is the only way. There are articles here on the subject and hundreds of others that will help you see more clearly and hopefully break the “habit”
I personally recommend the 12 steps article. I will see if I can find it and post it for you.
Chin up, breathe, and always remember your value.
Bless you and good luck
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/23/12-steps-of-recovery-from-love-fraud/
Blondeblueeyes, here it is
hey all! something interesting happened last night.
when i got home from work. my little gal was bustling around lik usual. she mentioned looking for some store reciept, and that she had gone through the trash (even in the burning barrel) and found nothing but maggots. eewwww! anyway later she told me she threw all his letters in there with the maggots and burned them! she said it felt satisfying and very appropriate to burn them with the maggots. eewwww!
these are letters sent to her and me by her spath while she was fighting to get out and establish nc. as you know, she ultimately gave copies to the parole dept and thats what helped send him up for another 20 months. we had been keeping them in case of future problems (lawyers advice) but i called the po a few weeks ago and asked if the copies she sent would be there and they said since he was a sex offender they would be with his record till he dies. (oh hes now classified as a stalker as well) i asked because my wife and i wanted to have a little burning party. i also have copies and i will be burning mine ONE, AT, A, TIME. probably tonight. this will be MY revenge.
Blondblueeyes, sounds like your actually thinking. good! keep thinking. remember there is no destiny. we make ours. and you will make yours. there is no mr right. only thousands of good men who can be a good fit. stay here and study.
sincerely
rgc