You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Oh, and watch his actions…. words are cheap. but actions say it all.
thank you so much donna,before i found lovefraud i didnt know what had happened in my life…….i still dont………..i often think have i only imagined it,am i making something out to be something its not………its not so easy to get revenge by living well………….when im not living at all,im misrable,depressed,i cry alot and get emotional and angry all the time…i think about my ex all the time,often it was my fault the contact has not been broken,they have just broken contact,as if i never exsisted,telling me to move on and telling me how they will always have power and control over me,that their mission is complete,they have ruined my life and they laugh about it………well you know what…..donna some days i feel they did ruin my life,that i have nothing to go on for,and in the middle of it all i miss them still………….i hate myself for missing someone that hurt me so much…………….when i said i love you,i meant it……………i hate lies,i hate deceit…but i never knew………..its so painful to realise it was all lies……….everything i believed in,my reality………..it wasnt real,why cant i want revenge………why cant i be normal…………i hate my ex for what they did but deep inside i still love them………..yet i hate them,does that make sence……….i cant even understand myself……..how could i still have feelings for someone who made me believe the worst things………..revenge…………live well………….after 2 years and im still struggling…..im beginning to think is this it…………….!!!!!
will i never get past it…………..is it like my ex said……………i have destroyed you……………..mission complete……!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Collete.
best thing to do is go no contact. i dont know what your fighting for… the house,,,, the money???? your gonna have to look deep inside yourself here.. by now the picture looks like its firming up to me.. it looks like youve figured out beyond a doubt what he is. im really sorry. this crap really sucks. but you are strong. even though there are times when you think your not.
you see i know cause your just like my wife. i can see it in your words and practically feel it in your story. dont get me wrong here , im not saying i KNOW how you feel. but i just watched my wife go through this with one of these spath boys. i watched as she lost her moral core. she was (and is again) an honorable woman. she had 4 beautiful kids, a secure future with a man who might not be the greatest thing missin a rib that god put on this earth. but i always gave her all i could. she had one of those 90% marriages. she bragged to her friends when she thought i couldnt hear about how happy she was.
so i studied. i had to find out what the hell made her fall off the wagon and go hob knobbin with the wartiest toad she could find. i have put thousands of hours into pathological narccisists, Pschycopaths, sociopaths, histrionics. I finnally get it. i finally understand why it happened. and i am left with a relationship where there is hope.
the most important thing i learned is that her little boy in a mans body knows no conscience. nothing to call him to task no matter what kind of degrading, mean, heartless thing he does to another human being. no guilt. no shame.
he is a human being for which the pschycological community has a deep rift and almost polarized opinion as to whether his lacking characteristics even qualify to be, human.
he is a predator. a fiend of the mind. he “gets off” on emotionally bruising his victims. its not even enough that he does this but he is compelled to bring his victims up as high as he can, so he can watch them fall as far as possible.
this is what your husband looks like to me.
by fighting him legally, in my opinion, you are feeding his sick desire to punish you for ending this on anything but his terms. im afraid that almost any move you make will be seen as giving him power.
hang in there. and if you can, let go of as much as you can stand legally. you might have to start over somewhere.
these animals seem to pick the very most incredible, beautiful souls to prey on. the stronger the better. they seem to literally feed on challenge.
you are strong and smart. i bet you dont know it. or think it, but YOU are.
study and learn. in the end you will find that the most incredible thing about him was YOU. in fact you will come to find that every thing good about the last ten years was you. all of it .
he will keep at you as long as he knows he can piss you off, or hurt you.
a day will come when he looks incredibly puny.
sincerely
rgc
collett,
You are a kind, decent human being. Your ex-spath never deserved to have you in his life. Yes, these spaths are unbelievable, hard to understand because WE AREN’T LIKE THEM. We’ve had extremely hurtful experiences because of them. I was married several years to my ex-spath before I realized what he is (slowly waking up to the truth), a full-blown spath (having ALL the traits of the disorder). If your spath’s ex-wife is willing to take him back, that’s her problem (she’s being foolish). I wouldn’t listen to ANYTHING she has to say – it’s all rubbish, untruth. I know what it’s like to be attacked by the person that you’ve committed your life to and they turn out to be a complete _sshole. I feel your pain and am sorry that you were involved with one of these creatures. Be good to yourself and stay strong.
dear imtired,
your story is so sad and so unfair..but your life is not over, give yourself some time to heal from his abuse..life does go on and you will some day find someone else…some of life’s lessons are very hard. take care of yourself, you will be ok..
he moves into peoples lives and doesnt care a damn who he hurts when he leaves and moves on.
I remember the day his brother threatened to kill himself, I said we had better go and see him immediately . He said ” be quiet Im on the phone” You deal with it. That’s when the reality hit me ‘ he was a monster
Dear Imtired,
I am a retired registered nurse practitioner, and I’m not sure what your life long STD is, but it does NOT mean you can never have another relationship sexually. Even if it is HIV you CAN have another relationship with someone you love and someone who loves you. There ARE safe ways, so stop that notion right now! ((hugs))
Yes, you have been tricked and slimed just like Collete, but you can both over come this crap! Go NO CONTACT with them directly, everything through an attorney, NO RESPONSE to any e mails, or to any phone calls or any texts, don’t even look at them. BLOCK THEM SO THEY DON’T COME THROUGH, or change your number or email address.
NO contact allows you time for your emotions and reality to sort of come together in a logical process. You get your head out of the “spin cycle” of pain and trauma.
Keep on reading here and reading and reading and READING. This place and the people here will help you as WE ALL have had the similar experiences with psychopaths (who are pretty much cut out with the same cookie cutter) (((hugs))) and God bless.
I will keep reading and reading it helps. One interesting thing I did notice, one of the comments from here was that sp’ths think they are proficient in every subject. My husband is pro se in court because he wont spend money on lawyers, he is very clever because he knows that being pro se he has unlimited contact with my attorney, she has to answer him directly as does the judge, and he is delaying absolutely everything in court, and making me spend thousands of dollars. But of course that’s what he is doing it for. I won my settlement and he is hell bent on making me spend every penny. Of course he does’nt work, never has he inherited a business.
The thing is he wont stop ever, i am trying so hard to move on but he is throwing anything he can at the courts, the lies are just incredible and the money I am having to spend outweighs what I am earning just to defend myself against ridiculous motion after motion. It never stops, he never stops.Yet he was the one who betrayed me. I did nothing wrong, yet now he is playing the victim. I am sooooh tired. He is like a dog with abone
Imtired, that’s exactly what spaths are like: dogs worrying over bones. They gnaw and gnaw, and it’s very, very draining for survivors.
I would strongly urge that you consider counseling therapy to help you to manage this emotional turmoil. If your ex passed an STD to you as a result of his activities, it is my understanding that you can sue him (in nearly every US State). This is something that he will have to defend, not you. Seeking counseling with a therapist that “gets it” will not only give you a safe face-to-face interaction that will help you to unload this venom, but also priceless tools and techniques to help you to manage the carnages that the spath created.
You are important in this Universe, Imtired. You cannot be replaced, nor can you be duplicated. For whatever reasons, you had these experiences and it’s not going to be easy or painless to recover. I associate recovery from sociopathic entanglements to recovering from a compound fracture. Nobody who has ever suffered a compound fracture will say that their healing was a piece of cake. It isn’t. It’s painful, humiliating, and desperate. The same goes forth with recovering from spath carnages. It hurts a part of our beings that we didn’t even know existed until it was pierced. We are simply not equipped to manage this kind of recovery, alone. Just as someone healing from a compound fracture can choose physical therapy to help them heal faster, so we can choose a good, strong counselor to help us along our own healing paths.
Brightest and most comforting blessings to you