You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
He abused the most precious thing in the world to me…….. my body and my soul. He actually said “well if you hadn’t of kept digging and found out it would have been ok” lol right!!! What baffles me is that his ex second wife is back with him, and she has been thrown off the bucking bronco before. But In her letter to me she said she wan’ts what I had GOOD LUCK LADY It comes with a very high price. Your self respect, She has already changed the way she is dressing, she used to be a decent human being, but no she is living two different lives. One as a respectable grandma and the other as his woman. But she will never really trust him and that wears you down. I see pics of her dressed respectably with her family and then with him. And believe me there’s a huge difference. She actually told him that she will leave for a while when he becomes bored while he has sex with other women, AS long as he uses protection. and she will be his slave, and she wants to learn how to be a sociopath also. Very very sad.
Dear imtired, I am relatively new to this site, and presently trying to “get myself back”. I am so very sorry for what that creep did to you and “gave” you. The comment you made: “well if you hadn’t of kept digging and found out it would have been ok” , jumped of the screen and hit me between the eyes! (Please read my story here: “We met at church, I thought he was a decent man”). This demon I’m dealing with never said that to me, however had I not “started digging” i would’ve never found out what he has been doing behind my back….since we met!!!! I totally agree with you, “He abused the most precious thing in the world to me—.. my body and my soul.” Had I known, even a small part of this creeps history, I would have told him to F***-off!!!! Ohhhh, but he used God, Church, his “veil” of Christianity, and so on! Rape by DECEPTION? ABSOLUTELY! http://cappuccinoqueen.com/?p=100#comment-147 Excerpt from cappuccinoqueen’s blog: According to Wikipedia, there are several types of rape. The one that applies here is “Rape by deception” which holds the following definition: Rape by deception occurs when the perpetrator gains the victim’s consent through fraud. When I read that, it confirmed to me, all of the ugly things I have been feeling inside!!! I feel raped in EVERY WAY!!! In time I hope to expose HIM…IN EVERY WAY, so that another woman won’t have to endure, his evil. Hang on, imtired! I’m hanging on as well! 🙂 Hugs 🙂 and Best wishes to you!
Imtired, here is my story….http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/08/31/letters-to-lovefraud-we-met-at-church-%E2%80%94-i-thought-he-was-a-decent-man/
Imtired, spaths routinely (without fail) deflect and project. “I only manipulated you because you made me do it,” comes to mind. WTF?
No, no, and………NO. I don’t accept that bullshirt, one bit. People inflict pain, lie, cheat, steal, and damage simply because they can. Period. Nobody else is responsible for another person’s actions, except under duress – at knifepoint, or threat of death. Even then, a reasonable person will figure out how to work through their situation. A socipoath makes his/her choices simply because they want to.
It’s your fault for “digging” and probing? ROTFLMAO!!!! Yah….bullshirt. It’s not only absurd, but it’s a cowardly response.
Brightest healing blessings
radar one. Im so sorry for what that monster did to you. It’s unbelieveable that anyone can be so cold and cruel, and they should be re categorised because they are not human beings. They have no sense of being in anyway. Get as far away from his as possible. One person told me that I could sue my monster for doing what he has done. I despise him for it and YES my attorney is filing for fraud and battery should be served next week. and while many of you will say HE WON’T CARE, Maybe he won’t but he lives in a small community and court records are public knowledge. It may help open the public’s eyes to what they have living with them. He won’t be ashamed, but the public won’t be impressed either. I’m their local nurse x god bless all of you
I’ll keep everyone posted how the judge deals with this because its something D cannot deny, He posted an ad and a profile on a sex dating site and Craigslist advertising for women and stating he was divorced (incidently we are not yet divorced) and I have copies of them. So he cannot deny anything (well he can) but it’s in black and white. And well the judge …….. well we will see
Imtired, I will keep you in my positive thoughts.
Brightest blessings
I am in the process of trying the No Contact now, with asking for email only. My ex isn’t going for it as he states ‘he can’t be sure I’m the one writing the email’, ‘he will charge me .10 for every text message I send’, ‘he doesn’t have time to check email’, and trying to take custody of our daughter. But for my asking for no contact, he countered and said I don’t communicate with him, that my husband is a liar and he would not have taken the job he has if he were not made to feel that I would give him every Friday. I said ‘no (all along), we have plans on Friday nights and plus Friday night starts the weekend’, He said my husband said we ‘would be happy to accomodate him’. Big lie. He wanted my Friday nights bc he was losing his midweek visitation. So sorry, but most teens don’t do that, but he insists. He went from a M-F day job to a Sun-Wed night job and goes to college Thurs night. He did this on his own, not due to downsizing, layoff, whatever, bc he wanted to work nights. Who will be there to help with homework? What about her volleyball games and practice? What about flute lessons?
Now it is fight fire with fire-I have a well documented disability for how he was with me sexually during the marriage. I have PTSD also. I have a counselor who is a pit bull and will be an advocate for me in the domestic evaluation case. I have a pit bull for an attorney, who is well respected in our legal community, having won most of his cases and can’t stand men like my ex. My ob/gyn states there have been medical studies on lower abdomenon pain, I have phantom pain due to how he treated me. He was physically abusive to our son, now in the military. There are dents in my fridge door from my ex slamming our son’s head against it. (I was out of state at the time and didn’t anything about it until much later.) All I asked for is to not talk to him, for 6 years my husband was the runner of our children and the voice for me. My ex used my husband as his personal counselor, telling him stuff he did to me and the kids and asking him how to handle this and that, with the kids and his new wife. So my ex is centering me out to try to get to me, move my husband out of the way, our son is gone to the military, one child left-the girl, and he is buttering her up. Our daughter is 16.5 now. I cannot wait to be 45 (emancipation for the daughter) and hopefully he will slink away under a rock where he should be! I am very thankful to Donna for the courage to create a site such as this one.
Floating Feather, are you saying that your current husband has been speaking with the abusive ex? Am I reading this, correctly?
Floating feather,
Welcome to LF…and don’t give up on the e mail ONLY communication. There is a web site called Our Family Wizard which is a site for parents like this…it has a pass word and is date time stamped and is proof of what is said by whom and when…
Check it out and see if you can’t get your X ordered to use that for communications….that will keep you NC except for what you MUST communicate.
I would also advise your current husband to be NC with him as well. No listening, no talking. If you must drive the girl to the visits, then drive her and drop her off, no conversation. NO DRAMA.
At 16 and a half, she is old enough to say “I don’t want to see daddy on Fridays because I have flute practice” and there’s not a judge in the world that will force her…well probably not a judge in the world. LOL
In any case, you only have another year and a half of visitation on your back, and then it is up to her if she wants to see him or not at all or if she wants NC with him as well.
Good luck and hang in there, girlfriend! You can make it. The end goal is in sight!
Again, welcome to Love Fraud. God bless.