You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Here’s an article about “how to get revenge against your ex lover”
Revenge of the spurned mistress – part II: Obama adviser in last-ditch bid to block ex-lover’s humiliating film about how he strung her along for eight years (after she put up Times Square billboard to shame him)
By David Gardner and Snejana Farberov
UPDATED: 17:01 EST, 20 September 2012 – PUBLISHED: 13:37 EST, 20 September 2012
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The mistress of one of President Obama’s economic advisers who humiliated him with a Times Square billboard after he dumped her – is taking her revenge to the silver screen tonight.
A documentary called The Glamorous Lie following the affair between Charles Phillips and YaVaughnie Wilkins, 43, is expected to premiere tonight at the Harlem International Film Festival – unless Phillips manages to stop its release in a last ditch bid to spare his blushes.
Here’s the link in case you want phhotos and more information.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2206272/Revenge-spurned-mistress–II-Obama-adviser-ditch-bid-block-ex-lovers-humiliating-film-strung-years-Times-Square-billboard-shame-him.html
Hello Truthspeak
Yes, my current husband had been the runner of my two children and overall communicator as he put a stop to my ex going off on me in front of the kids. This had been the arrangement since the summer of 2006. This was at the suggestion of my counselor also.
My husband is in the process of creating a talking point list of things my ex would talk to him about, things he would admit, and other such tidbits. It will be easy to pull it out, and I’ve been a prolific documenter since before the divorce. Everything my husband told me went into the electronic diary or e-diary. This is for the evaluator appointment in which she will interview my husband.
I had to create an autobiography and I finally finished it just last night. Thirty-seven pages and I could have kept going but with the short turnaround from the intake interview of me only, I had to have the document in her hands five days before our next appointment. Plus I’m finishing my degree on-line, so I’ve been able to really bond with my computer that past couple of weeks. I’ve got reams of paper worth of notes, incidents with my ex, things the kids have came from his house complaining about.
Now that my son is in the Army, that just leaves my daughter. He is treating her like a sugar daddy that he is just the best. He is such a chameleon.
I’m also going to include a copy of a 4 page letter my ex wrote in 2004 and passed around to everyone and their mother-our neighbors, friends, editor of our local newspaper, our attornies, and he himself gave me my copy as we were going to an attorney meeting. He admitted he was verbal and physical with his children, that he hurt me, but didn’t describe how, he couldn’t believe I put up with him as long as I did, that he knows he is ‘off’ in his brain but is getting the needed (medical) help to correct that. He begs the reader to be nice to me and the kids, to pray for us and to not tell me he spoke bad of me. I’m not holding my breath it will add or take away anything in this case, but could potentially get someone’s attention.
I have a different angle to tell the story of a Sociopath. My wife and I had been through some exceedingly difficult times in our marriage. Suddenly, she got a new high paying job in a workplace with 1000’s of employees. She is as described in many of these posts. Innocent, niave, warm and loving. Our relationship was on the rocks at the time. This man befriended her and to make a long story short, she left me and took up with him. He took advantage of her when she was vulnerable. I never stopped loving her and eventually, she realized that he was a HUGE mistake. Here’s the thing, We did get back together but not until he had managed to sleep with her many times and had pressured or coerced her into doing things(We’ll leave it at that). Anyhow, the upshot is that not only was SHE a victim, so was I. Even now, 7 years after getting back together, it comes back to haunt me. Sometimes I dream of revenge. When it resurfaces, it can consume me for days or weeks. I’m smart enough to not kill him (Though, GOD do I want to). He figures large in his church and I have often thought of telling his priest what he has done…the pain he has caused. He’s divorced with one 20 something daughter. I’ve thought about telling her too. I WANT him to feel the same long term pain and humiliation that he has caused me. I want the selfish b-tard to hurt. I want him to have pain to carry in his heart, the same way that I do. BUT, though it takes time, I manage to remind myself that I have my wife back and he NEVER actually took the time to get to know her because he never loved her. He has no idea how wonderful she is…but I do. Though he stole one thing from me, he never got to even touch the 1000`s of wonderful experiences that are mine exclusively, so screw him. I do however worry about the countless other women he does and has done this same thing to. I know he was doing this same thing to other women at the same time he was doing it to my wife. Sometimes I think I should expose him to prevent him from being able to be so prolific in his path of destruction. I struggle with this, and I carry the injury. The victims of the actions of these sociopaths sometimes spread wider than just the original victim.
Making the effort… thank you for your post. “Though he stole one thing from me, he never got to even touch the 1000`s of wonderful experiences that are mine exclusively” I hope that my husband will some day show me that perspective. Your wife is a lucky woman to have you by her side.
My husband witnessed my PTSD, was confused by my anxiety, did what he could at home to support me when all I could do is curl in a ball, but he has never wanted to discuss. I have never witnessed anger from him about what happened to me (which sounds very similar to your wife’s story), but I know someday the anger will surface, so I need to be prepared.
The best revenge for me has been knowing that ‘The Illusion’ is condemned to always be the pathetic sad needy despirate redundant joke that he has always been, and cannot escape, but every day I am a healthier person than I was the day before.
Public revenge would only mimic his narcissistic need for attention and hurt you in the long run.
Makingtheeffort, you wrote: “The victims of the actions of these sociopaths sometimes spread wider than just the original victim.” I’ll go a step further and say that there’s no “sometimes” about it.
Let’s just look at the number of people that have been affected by my personal experience with the exspath on a financial and/or emotional level:
* Immediate family & relatives: 7
* Close and trusted friends (mine): 8
* Businesses, services, utilities, loans, etc: 12
* Supervisors/coworkers: 60
* Number of people directly involved in legal/criminal actions: 14
And, there’s no need to go on from there….
The collateral damages affect employment, credit, organized groups and memberships, family members, children, freinds, relatives, students, supervisors and employees…….HUNDREDS of people are either directly or indirectly involved in the spath damages.
What good would it do to expose the wife’s spath? Would exposing the spath prevent others from being victimized? Nope – a sociopath (male OR female) will always, always, always find someone that they can con.
Revenge is a nasty business, any way it goes.
Brightest blessings
Dear makiing the effort,
I think you have come to a place where you are understood…we “get it” here because every one of us have been damaged by one or more psychopaths.
The thing I have found though that is healling FOR ME is that I must get the bitterness out of my heart for them. Not that I say it is “okay” or that I want to trust them or be around them any, but for me getting the bitterness out of my heart (“forgiving but not forgetting) is HEALING FOR ME….not for them.
I hear the anger in your post, and that is NORMAL AND NATURAL, but it also can EAT YOU. Remaining bitter against them, no matter how terrible they ahve been is like drinking poison and expecting them to die. It doesn’t work.
You may say “well Oxy you dont know what the heck you are talking about…he did X, y and Z to me….and my wife.” TRUE!
And believe me I have had injures to my soul, spirit and heart by my own son that have ripped me apart, but I work DAILY to keep the bitterness out of my heart toward him. It is not easy, and it is a continual thing I must work on, but when I stayed so bitter, so angry all the time, it iwas ME that suffered from the stress both mentally and physically.
I amm glad that your wife is back with you, but I hope that you and se can heal from the bitterness and anger you feel against this horrible man who pretends to be so godly when he is exactly the reverse.
I understand your desire to expose him as well, but I can also tell you that it won’t give you as much satisfaction as you’d like because he DOES NOT REALLY CARE. He isn’t capable of caring.
Our healing starts in learning about them, but ends up being about healing ourselves…God bless and keep on reading here and posting. Knowledge is power.
Long time reader, first time poster. I am somewhat recently out of an abusive, infuriating relationship with a real piece of work sociopath that lasted the better part of a decade and has left me feeling pretty bad, but also motivated to reclaim my own life. Of course, he bled me dry financially. After I kicked him out for the third time and I guess he thought I was serious, he went and knocked up his new main target victim to ensure his easy access to her family’s money. I screwed up, and he did manage to sweet talk his way back into my life…until I found about about the pregnant woman a few months ago (I didn’t know what he had done when I took him back, and he certainly wasn’t the person to let me know). There wasn’t really a spin for him to put on that so he didn’t make an effort for me to take him back when I threw him out the last and final time.
I really agree that living well is the best revenge and am taking huge steps towards that, including having initiated (and maintained) No Contact.
Regarding money, I have a question that others who have dealt with finances might be able to answer for me. Despite the dumber choices I made along the way, I do have a signed, contract that states in clear terms the amount of money I loaned him for two of the years he was living off me (when he was, shockingly, unemployed with no savings and no family or friends to loan him money) and gives a date by which it was supposed to be paid back. Obviously, that never happened. I was told that I could act on this and still not have to talk to him, since it would be lawyers or people serving papers or whatever.
Is trying to pursue legal action on this more trouble than it’s worth, because ultimately he has no money of his own (and whoever he marries will maybe be smart enough to get a pre-nup)? Or is living well in this case dealing with losing five figures of money by letting it go? I am not in a good place financially after all of this, but I understand that you can’t get blood from a stone, etc, and figure if he’s managed to screw so many people over so well over the years and never paid anyone back, I wouldn’t end up being the exception to this rule. Thank you so much for reading, whoever might be reading this. I hope this is the proper place to post this kind of question on the site.
Doubleu, I’m sorry that you’ve had such awful experiences and SO glad that you decided to post.
My experience has been with regard to actual forgeries that exceed the guideline of $75,000 that constitutes a Federal Crime. SO………I could have had him arrested and charged with a Federal Offense and lost any alimony or divorce settlement. I could file a Civil Suit and be awarded a judgment. Then, again, there’s no guarantee that I’ll win a Civil Suit because the argument would be that I “should have known” about my own finances, and the rest of the victim-blame.
Filing a lawsuit against a sociopath is a very personal decision and has to be made based upon a number of factors. First, how much time, energy, and resources is someone willing to invest to recover their money? Next, will the defendant be able to pay the judgment (full-time job, work history, etc.)? Finally, what is the likelihood that the defendant will file bankruptcy and that the judgment will be bankrupted?
You may wonder, “The judgment can be legally bankrupted?!” Oh, yes – indeed, it can. Depending up on the State you live in as the Federal Bankruptcy Laws are applied, a civil award can absolutely be included in a bankruptcy. This doesn’t mean that the defendant’s judgment will be wiped from his civil background check, but he/she will never be legally obligated to pay a DIME of the judgment.
Donna won her own Civil suit against James Montgomery and he promptly filed bankruptcy.
So, take the facts that you know about the spath and weigh them against the facts of legal action and come to your decision based upon the facts, and NOT what you believe or feel should be “fair” or “Justice.” I know, this is a terrible thing to process, but it’s usually a waste of time, energy, and money to pursue legal civil action against a sociopath, especially one who has a very checkered work-history and offspring to support (if he even does that!).
I hope this is helpful to you in your decision-making.
Brightest blessings
I would contact the FBI and the IRS criminal investigations. It will not cost you a cent, just all documentation to be given to the investigators. The government responds within
days, and they start the investigation. Hopefully, they will restitute you, whatever they find on him, because you are the victim.
I would certainly think of the FBI, IRS, police, or any other venue where you can report. Please read my post below about my experience and how I felt once I completed my communication in reporting bad and conning behavior to the Ethics and Compliance Line of my former company. Technically it was not a crime, but it was a crime against my being. Its all relative. It is an empowering experience, even if you are countered, as I was, with nonsense from the other party. I have been down the legal route. Very costly, no guarantees, and high potential to be involved with more sociopaths and predators!
Welcome doubleu! And many congratulations for removing this exploiter from your life and maintaining your No Contact. You sound very clear minded and sanguine about your experience. Revenge really harms us more than them in my own view. I’ve fought with the impulse to ‘punish’ my abuser which I could do, as he withheld the fact that he was married and I have ample evidence which would probably end his marriage and lose him custody of his son and his apartment. But I’m not going to. The best revenge is leaving them in the dust and not looking back. Then, whenever they think of you, they will suffer at least the mild irritation of not having any control or influence over you anymore. They can’t be hurt emotionally , not in any lasting or deep way, and they don’t feel shame , so there’s no point acting in ways to try and force responses out fo them that won’t be forthcoming.
Anyway. Just wanted to welcome you and share that. Plenty of posters here will have good solid advice re: how and whether to pursue this man legally for the money he owes you / stole from you. Best wishes to you on your road to recovery!
Doubleu – Welcome to Lovefraud. I’m sorry about your experience.
When deciding whether to pursue a sociopath, you need to do a cost-benefit analysis. The fact that you have a contract is very good. The fact that he probably has no money is very bad. So you have to determine – is it worth it? If you choose to retain an attorney, you’ll have to spend more money, and even if you get a judgment, you may not collect. Plus, it keeps you in contact with him longer, which can make it more difficult for you to heal.
However, one of the factors in your decision may be your sense of justice. Sometimes you just don’t want him to get away with it. I am very glad that I went after my ex, even though I never did get money from him. What I did get was a judicial ruling that he committed fraud – which was essentially what enabled me to expose him.
One way to proceed may be to file in small claims court. You won’t be able to claim the entire amount that he took, but you also won’t need to hire an attorney. You’ll probably win your case, and at least something will be on his record.
Here’s another article that may help you:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/11/27/is-there-any-constructive-legal-action-to-take-against-sociopaths/
Donna,
I love your site. I do agree with you, that it is the cost factor when dealing with the spath. I knew the spath had no control over me, but I wanted to take his mask off, and the only way to do this was to go a different avenue, the irs criminal investigators. The spath commited fraud on taxes,
structured accounts, sold property with false documents,
and fraud on hospitals, social security disability, and the judicial system. The way to have the spath exposed to criminal
charges, was this way. I do not want revenge, but I do want
him to be exposed. This process is a long time, but the wait is worth it.