You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
I’m going to try to go to the Archives tonight and look around. But, I would appreciate anyone posting articles about people who have been able to suggest ways to detach with contact with a spath. I want my bills to get paid and this is the way I feel it needs to be for me at this time. He is in completely separate part of the house. But, there is the pull when he is “nice” and the repulsion when I realize he is never really “nice.” However, I am wondering if there is anyone willing to share their stories about living with, or being around, a spath while being able to emotionally detach from all negativity they create…even detaching while they are in the room. I know how to say I’m tired or decide to run errands to send him back into his “space” in my home. But, when watching TV or talking, are there suggestions for letting stupid things he says roll off my back because anything a spath says is just not reality? I am practicing staying in a neutral position emotionally and am accomplishing it more than before, but I would be very grateful for any suggestions from those living with one.
Hi fight,
I get what you are saying-you need the spath to get your bills paid, but remember, he is being nice for a reason. The only way of detaching from a spath is no contact. Their manipulative ways are too huge. You certainly cannot have a no contact living under the same roof. The spaths are constantly creating chaos, gaslighting, and planning their next moves. If you need the spath to pay your bills, seek an attorney, do this secretly, and start planning your moves. I lived with a spath for over 31 yrs. and filed for divorces twice before the final, and the crap I went thru, did not realize at the time, but I was very lucky. They lie about everything, and that’s scary in itself. Everyone’s situation is different, but I can tell you, your biggest fight will be in the courtroom.
Fight,
There really isn’t any way to be around a sociopath without being affected. They are very toxic and they just can’t be trusted. There are people here who have to deal with them because there are children involved. There is much advice here about how to deal with them in those situations. In a nutshell, you would not show any emotions – only discuss business arrangements, etc. But I have to question why anyone would want to be in contact with a sociopath unless they absolutely have to. I think you may be underestimating the toxic effect he has on you. Just the fact that you have to come here to ask how to communicate with him seems like it would be a huge drain of your energy. I don’t know how anyone can tell you how to deal with a spath that you willingly have invited into your life besides “no contact”. This is the only way I know of to deal with them.
Today is the first day, in almost six months, that I feel like I have my life back, and I feel calm, whole, and empowered. Honestly, I never thought I would heal from losing my job because of predator manager’s bad behavior in a big corporation, where they abound and thrive. Its hard to say what the exact label is, socio or psychopath, or N, so predator is the word I use. In the five months I worked for this manager I turned from the perfect employee in her eyes to someone who could do nothing right. I was conned, and when she decided it was time to dispose of me, there was nothing I could do to make things right on the job through either ordinary or extraordinary work efforts before she fired me. But, being the conscientious person I am, I made a big effort to meet with goals of my plan of correction, and, in essence, I met the goals of the plan of correction. The problem was she did her best to sabotage my efforts. For months post firing, I felt no self confidence, was sad, tearful, hopeless about my employment situation, and the future. I do not know what possessed me to start reading books about sociopaths, psychopaths, and other snakes in the corporate world, but these books were total eye openers, and I could finally put the pieces together. I am no stranger to the effects of these predators, but new books and new info did it for me. Then, out of the blue, I decided that I would take advantage of the company’s ethics complaint system online and file a detailed complaint on this manager’s unethical behavior. So, I did. I received back what I expected, meaning, a bogus investigation that included HR interviewing her and reviewing the email communication that existed between me and the manager. I countered HR director’s responses with the truth, called a lie a lie, explained how the manager deceived me, and her methods for making sure I did not succeed. I also explained, in writing, that I really did succeed in meeting the goals of my written plan of correction, and, in fact I still retain the written proof of this, but the manager sabotaged my efforts. I had several communications back and forth with the HR person, who sounded like a parrot of the manager (he too was conned), but I maintained the high road of my integrity because I know what the truth is. Last night, I wrote my letter of closing to the ethics complaint board, and was finally able to put in words exactly what I needed to say in the name of the truth. I knew my communication was complete, whether or not any HR person believed me or not, and I now know I can move on with my life. Now, since this is not the first time I have been conned, I am going to do the work to fortify myself to avoid anything like this happening again. I really wish manager would lose her job, she deserves it,
I had a sociopath boss and thank God she did get fired! At least I have that, if nothing else. She nearly ruined my life, but at least I succeeded in getting her fired. Of course she’ll just lie about her credentials again and meet new people to target and ruin and that sucks but I was able to make life a little less comfortable for her.
graceous,
Welcome!It is good that you have been able to reach that place where you realize you’ve done what you can,and know you can move on!Hopefully we ALL learn from our entanglements with spaths!
Yes, thanks blossom4th. It has been a learning experience that will change my future in a more positive way. There is a lesson in every experience for all of us.
fight,
I know that having spath there is more of a drain on you;I tried to deny the fact fot yrs,and I was proud of the fact that my mind and body held up as long as it did.Atleast I THOUGHT it was holding up!It was a very subtle thing;the way I started ‘breaking down’.I didn’t even realize it until I started getting really sick.
We can tell ourselves that we’re strong,that we will ‘grey rock’ and come up with excuses as to why we’re doing things “right” so we don’t get hurt.The only problem is……..we’re humans with emotions;they’re not!
I truly appreciate the responses to my request.
Today, I had no reason to be in much contact other than “business” as one person suggested, and it was better.
He just wanted to watch TV and I thought, “OK. One program. What can he do?” And we all know the answer is “A lot.”
I have my reasons for this and I may be making a mistake, but the money is too easy to make for the most part. He is signed up to get VA housing if I am ready to stop making money from his being here. If I had to get someone else for my apt, I would have to pay to upgrade a few things and I want to save up as much money as I can before then. He knows I know what he is and he is very unhappy about it. He may decide to take the housing when his turn pops up and then I will have to deal with a stranger. It is a tough decision because I have had a few strangers live there who were sociopaths also. The one I know who can’t walk, doesn’t have a car, and probably has another year or two in him seems like a better choice for now. I need to pull out my Al-Anon books. There are ways to detach from them even when they are in the room. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.
I am very lucky this time in that I have a good male friend and we talk on the phone a lot and he helps keep me on a decent mental keel. Thanks to everyone.
Graceous – welcome to Lovefraud. Sometimes we have to be satisfied knowing that our perceptions are accurate and we know the truth. I’m glad that, having told the truth, you feel settled. Now you can move on.
Thanks, Donna. Going to be moving on, one step at a time. I have a lot of career issues to work out.
I have to say that today I feel very down, like a big battle is over, and rest is in order. Well, yes, I have said goodbye to a part of my work life that I was very invested in, completed my communication, and it is time to move on. Organization also played games in stating I could apply for other jobs, when, in reality, they had no intention of ever hiring me again. So, in many ways, that delayed my closure. Another disservice to my soul. Just creating intention that the right new job will be there or feel guided to move on with a self-employment option as soon as possible and calling on my spiritual resources.
I stupidly started seeing the spath again around the first part of the year. Nothing consistent but, he kept telling me he had parted company with the girlfriend who lives in another state. I got suspicious when he went off to Salt Lake to see his kids (6 hrs away) a couple of times. Once in March and once just last week. I couldn’t prove he was lying. His 12 year old son is having psychological issues. Come to find out he was playing the issues up so he could meet the girlfriend. Las Vegas in march and last week he actually was in Salt Lake except the girlfriend flew in to meet him. The “little family”. I hadn’t fooled myself. I know what he is. Anyway, the point of my post is this…I think I had divine intervention. I found an sd card on my bedroom floor yesterday morning after he left. For anyone that doesn’t know what it is, it is the card that pictures go on in cell phones or cameras. I had just gotten a card reader to download texts that had gone back and forth between us. You know…just in case. Well guess what was on it. You guessed it. Him and his girlfriend with a couple of other friends who had introduced the two. That’s how I found out about this string of lies.He had the card in his pocket and dropped it. Yep…DIVINE INTERVENTION. Or….was it a tell? Did he do it on purpose. Anyway…I’m so totally done. Pictures really hurt me. I got to see the things he was doing with her that he never did with me.
kmiller, I can totally sympathize and my exspath did the EXACT same thing to me. I’ve been there and know exactly how you feel. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. All I can say is that I’m about 3 months out and those things feelings start to dissipate. At least you don’t have to go through any more lies and drama and create even MORE hurtful memories. You’re done! You’re out! Its the past only to be forgotten… The pain still comes up but definitely not as often. Its funny I go longer and longer without thinking of him then I catch myself thinking “woah, I haven’t thought about him all day” but then I feel like I have to:( But I just allow myself to feel it and move on.
Kmillercats – either way – divine intervention or intentional on his part – you now have evidence in living color of the truth. Let it strengthen your resolve.
I felt I had got revenge on the Spath as I told his partner I’d been seeing him for over a year when I found out he’d been living with her the whole time!! He was begging me to carry on seeing him and after a couple of weeks I did and he wanted to come and live with me. He said there was no future with the OW. When I saw them together in a restaurant the night after he’d been with me and confronted them both again, she said they were getting back together and she ‘understood’ him in a way I never would. She told me to leave him alone as I was stressing him out. I said I didn’t want him anyway and I never wanted to be in the position she was in.
She said they hadn’t been having sex and they had an understanding that he could see other women. He’d told her I was merely a ‘sexual tryst’ that he regretted. It was ony later that night when she accessed his phone and saw photos of us on various holidays , we’d had at least 8 long weekends away during that year, then she packed his belongings and kicked him out. He’d been living with her rent free for the last 7 years and they have a 7 year old daughter!!
He ended up alone in a hotel for a couple of weeks, but is working very hard to get back to financial security with his ex partner. Ive sent her info about this site, but don’t think she can face what he is, she’s too enmeshed in his lies and deceit. He’s even going for counselling to pacify her and has told her he’s not incontact with me, despite him constantly trying to get me to meet him.
I have spoiled his life temporarily, but the revenge isn’t sweet. WHat I’ve been through doesn’t bear comparison to him as he doesn’t feel anything – he has no idea how it feels for me or hhis partner – he is incapable.
The last time he contacted me, I told him I’d forward his emails to the ex partner, and he’s told me he has now moved on and won’t contact me again. I know he’s slept with at least two other women in the last couple of weeks and it sickens me to think that he’s actually got more freedom now the partner has kicked him out. He’s proactively lining women up to abuse!! So some revenge!
I just want to stop thinking about the bastard, it’s almost worse now NC is in place as I know I’ve got to truly get on with my life and face the aching loneliness and accept responsibility for loving myself and filling that lonely ache with self nurturing and self care.
I have had a lucky escape and am financially intact, but emotionally I still feel dazed and raw and feel a sadness inside. Sad for myself that I put my life on hold for a non-existent prince charming, with whom I thought I’d live happily ever after.
Jayo, wow your story sounds SO similar to mine! I too gave my exspaths OW this site and she continues to have a relationship with him that she says is “just for thier child’s sake” but it shocks me after to what he did to her that she would put herself in that vulnerable position….
My ex and I started off just sleeping together while they were still living together. He told me that they were just “friends” and only living together for the child and could see other people.
I ended up telling her everything after I found out he was sneaking off to mexico with her etc…Thought I had revenge but by that time I was SO trauma bonded and stuck in the manipulation and abuse that I ended up staying with him!!! So of course she thinks I’m a complete nut bar for staying after I ratted him out!! But I can’t help thinking she may be too as she entertains his advances… I’m scared for her. She often says…I broke up her family and I’m like…”You wanted that type of family?” It baffles me that Im the bad guy out of all of this. My exspath blames everything on me, won’t give me closure, and is stonewalling me. And his ex thinks I am crazy and broke up a family? I was the VICTIM in all of this but I get the blame??? It hurts. Its hard to get over. I know I wasn’t at fault but he manipulated me for so long and I’m still addicted to the relationship and suffering from a TON of cognitive dissonance and PTSD. Anyway I’m rambling, but I appreciate you sharing your similar story.
I too am scared to move on…not sure how to:(
Serenity – Yes, it is difficult, because the addiction is very strong. Please do what is best for yourself. You need to make the decision to recover. I wrote about this not long ago:
http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/07/30/after-the-sociopath-make-a-decision-to-recover/
Thanks Donna. I just re-read it. The tough part is when you have the bad days and find myself thinking about it all day. i feel guilty for that. Like I’m not making progress. The stress of him in my life is thankfully GONE but I still feel it some days like he’s right here in my face.
Just read the above post and printed it off – I need to read it every day.It is an addiction, I know I have an addictive personality. I am finding it so hard to give up the chaos and contact. That’s why addictions have worked for me in the past, they stop me from having feelings and facing up to myself.
Not only do I have to break the addiction to the Spath I also have to address the fact that I do not feel good enough!!!
I don’t know that I have the strength to do all this. I don’t want to face all my repressed emotions, I don’t really believe I’m worth it so I find it very hard to motivate myself to make an effort to recover but I know this is MY TIME and I have to do this for myself.