You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
The best revenge is to go on living life freely fully and happy doing
all the things we love doing loving the people that count surrounding
ourselves with positive people and experiences thank god we got out
and live on with the wisdom of knowing who these individuals are be
aware always from this point forward and do not allow the horrible
experience or spath to destroy us on any level instead grow from this
or else they win.
Is it ok for me to at least hope he steps in dog poop?
serenity,
LOL! Chihuahua poop is the best because it’s so tiny it’s hard to see & easy to step in~~~you want me to send you some?!
Wait…can I change my request to him tripping into a pile of horse manure? lol this could get ugly I’ll stop haha…
My spath used the line ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold’ :-).
I posted this on another section but I think it might be suitable here are well. I was able to get revenge, a certain amount of revenge on my ex and it made me feel so much better, but I didn’t view it as the main thing to do. I tried to understand what had happened and then recover from it.
My spath was always so good in a law/legal situation. There were several instances where he had to go to court about something (not to do with us) and he got off. I don’t know how as he should have been put away but he did. He viewed the law and officers as a challenge lol.
However I discovered that he was a coward. When I decided I was going to finish it, I went to see a solicitor. I didn’t know the spath was an spath at that point, just that I wanted rid of him and he wouldn’t go. The spath was away from home and the solicitor wrote him a letter giving him 2 days to pack all his stuff. If he wasn’t gone within 2 days we would seek an injunction against him.
I stayed at my parents for those 2 days. When he got back home he found the letter from the solicitor and went ballistic! he tried calling me, emailing etc but on the solicitor’s advice I didn’t answer.
When I went back 2 days later he was gone, but the flat was a mess.
A few months later I got my revenge on him. Letters lept arriving for him from debt collection agencies. I got fed up and opened on and spoke to the company. I gave them his new address and also the aliases I had discovered for him! They were very pleased lol I later heard that the police turned up at his place with the baliffs and arrested both him and his new girlfriend and took away loads of his stuff including MY brand new laptop which I was still paying for and he had stolen. Apparently I was the bitch from hell lol Made me feel good though, as though I’d managed to finally get my own back in some way
I’ve enjoyed reading all of the posts here.Lovefraud has proved to be the support & road to healing we need.We do not need to spend time seeking revenge.Spaths will reap consequences somewhere down the road.
ImarriedIt,
Sunday,a couple of my friends told me how beautiful & radiant I looked.Spath was there at services.He’s been showing up lately.He must be fuming underneath!He likes to keep me feeling unattractive.During our engagement he started by telling me he preferred me without makeup.I didn’t realize what he was doing.But the whole thing comes down to the fact that he doesn’t want me to look attractive to another man!He can’t allow that!Not only do I wear makeup,I keep my hair dyed.And I take time figuring out what I’m going to wear.I can do that now!
Man alive I am just blown away by similarities I read on here everyday. I really shouldn’t be so shocked anymore. Blossom, my ex would do the same thing! Telling me only to wear make up when he’s out with me. And I could tell if I was wearing something that was too “provocative” he would give me a cold stare… He would always say things like “you bent over in front of so and so” “he could totally see down your shirt” or “you cross your legs on purpose so guys can see up your skirt” It was all TOTALLY RIDICULOUS and I never EVER thought I was doing those things!! He made me feel SO UGLY by the end of our relationship and my self esteem is very low and I am in the process of trying to rebuild. He took all of my sexuality away.
TedotherAh yes the spath as sexuality thief. I got the freezing stare once for the fact that, when we were alone in my kitchen, he could see my bra when I lent over to pick up something. I was wearing a new top for the first time. I dress conservatively as I am shy , introverted in personality and do not feel confortable showing much skin or anything figure hugging, not that l have any problem with other women doing so it’s just personal preference. He knew this perfectly well, so when I adjusted this drapey top and remarked oh I can’t wear this without a camisole my bra shows, I was shocked when I looked up to see the look of…well it was worse than disapproval that would have been troubling enough it was more like contempt or even disgust…oh my God. I remember it clearly he is such a sick individual
Excellent Blossom!! Enjoy your beauty and dressing nicely for yourself!!
Ya Blossom ditto that!! I went and bought myself some new clothes! Funny how the way I dressed before I met him was very confident… I could dress very sexy and pull it off and I was also comfortable wearing sweat pants and a hoodie to the store…now somehow I’m not confident in either situation.
Tea Light and serenity,
Funny thing is that I always considered myself the “ugly duckling” of us girls;considering my sisters to be prettier.Spath knew this and used it to lower my already low self esteem.He would make comments about “pretty girls sunbathing in their backyard”.I’ve had 3 babies and spent my life taking care of a spath;no bathing suit for me~~~I’ll keep my clothes on,thank you! 🙂
But seriously,I am planning on buying some new clothes.I don’t even “think sexy”;I’m not flirtatious.I think what attracts people is that I’m happy now.They can tell without me saying a word!
Blossom, I apologize if I sounded shallow there. I didn’t mean that was the only way to attract people. All I meant is that it was one way he tore me apart. Something I had that I now do not and now I feel like that ugly duckling when I probably was before but could care less. now I notice everything…every pound, wrinkle, etc and it is SHALLOW but I remember a time(4years ago) when I could care less…
If I was wanting no contact, and went to church, I would probably have to find another church. I had a guy stalk me to my Al-Anon meetings years ago. I would specifically tell him not to and there he would be grinning. It was an unusual situation that arose during my whistleblowing era. He was a reporter who said he fell for me. For some reason, as I tested him, I was able to see through him. Maybe because I WAS going to Al-Anon and keeping up with boundaries. He killed himself about a year ago, so I truly dodged a bullet by figuring him out.
Isn’t it nice to be able to dress and look how we want, and to find ourselves again? Mine used to chide me if my new jeans were too stylish or too tight: “You don’t need to wear tight jeans; baggy jeans look fine.” Then I expressed a curiosity when botox became the rage. He shook his head no,he didn’t want me doing that!He was just insecure that I might find someone else and not put up with his crapola if I looked too good. Paradoxically, he was of course running the ads looking for folks to spend free time with on adultfriendfinder, meaning he wanted to cheat while I was unaware at work. Isn’t it weird how they couldn’t stand the thought of us with someone else, when they had multiple hook up ads going? So sick, and I’m so glad to be off the merry go round. (And last week, I tried botox!)
serenity,
I did not think you shallow!I was just explaining my personality.I remember after spath and I got back together after the first separation,my girls were giggling and telling their dad how I wore flowers in my hair,etc.He made fun of me!As if I was trying to look like a teenage girl!News flash~~~it’s not just teenage girls that wear flowers and want to feel pretty!!!
ImarriedIt,
You make a good point about how these spaths are insecure about their women….but as for themselves,have depraved appetites!Spath spent alot of time online;mostly on facebook or craigslist.It bothered me greatly when he showed me explicit pictures,hoping to prompt a grin out of me.I was just DISGUSTED that such photos were allowed for anyone to see!
I haven’t read the replies to this post BUT~I just want to share my revenge(s).
I met MINE on an online dating site, 2 years ago this past January and I will admit, I fell in “lust” hook line and SINK-her but the great was GREAT and I’m not posting this story to defend myself…
I just wanted to share one of my greatest accomplishments as far as revenge goes.
A YEAR ago around X-Mas, MY Sociopath used my computer and forgot to log out of his sleezy dating site, TAGGED.
I was shocked to see how many times he had logged in and to how many people he had been chatting with the whole time we were together.
LONG sweet story short~He had over 1000 friends and about 900 awaiting his friend requests.
I whittled down the SUM total to 80 and the reason he had 80 left was because I asked the UGLIEST of uglys to be his friend along with men.
I requested EVERY person from his TINY town of 800 to be his friend.
Something I’d find embarrassing because had they known who he was, they’d see his profile was a TAD bit off.
He listed himself as 10 years younger, a town away as his location, false work and income which anyone KNOWING him or figuring out WHO he was, was easy enough as he had (HAS) his own automotive shop in that tiny town.
I sent what I found to be his closest friends on that site, a message explaining what a fraud he was and how he had treated ME the whole year we were together after we met on a different dating site.
I saved copyies of all messages, pictures, dates and times and when I had my evidence all put together, I called and told him I was coming to meet with him.
I had PLANNED on just leaving his main page from the site that I ran off several of, as flyers around his town and to his closest friends but because he only had TWO, I thought giving him a chance to lie his way out of this one and giving me the satisfaction of WATCHING him try to do so, was a “funner” way to start out the plan.
Well, I handed him the sheet and even with him looking right at HIM on the papers I brought, he denied it to where he ALMOST had me beLIEVE him!! lol!
He stormed out (he was at work) and as he left, he yelled to me to “Go ahead…BURN the place!!”
He obviously believed himSELF that I was as CRAZY as he said I was.
The only thing crazy about me was the fact I was exposing this Sociopath straight on and dirECTly in his face, aLONE, which doesn’t READ to be that crazy but I am 100 pounds soaking wet and HE WAS/IS the crazy one.
Although always emotionally abusive, there was never any physical abuse so I wasn’t afraid and thank goodness, I didn’t need to be.
After he stormed out, I left (but not before locking the shop up for him….yeah, now THAT’S crazy 🙂 and stopped at a bar where one of his 2 friends was and who just HAPpened to be standing outside of as I pulled up.
I handed him the flyer and at that VERY second, here comes my Spath, storming around the corner (on foot) but freaky none the less as I have NO idea where he came from.
He took the paper from his friend, balled it up and threw it on the ground.
The 3 of walked into the bar as I HAD to hear an apology but instead, the 20 minutes of his DENIALS turned into minutes of accusations AT ME.
He yelled at me about how I just fucked up the MANY lives of people who HE was helping as some just needed a “friend” to chat with while dying of SOMEthing.
He stormed out and then he went into his favorite rants of how crazy I was and how my MEDS made me that way…..whatever.
Yes, I went back too many more times after that night for another year and the last time I spent a day with him was his birthday and I explained how proud I STILL was and always WILL be for RELEASING ALmost 2000 friends he had acquired in the last 6 or 7 years and he agreed, for the 1st time, that yes, being on that site was inDEED a form of cheating.
He ALso, in a very VERY quiet whisper, said he knew that from that day forward, he needed to treat me better.
We celebrated the rest of his birthday by dropping the subject but I had just a FEW more things I wanted to discuss with him 24 hours later as he was becoming (NOT) an EMpath on his 58th birthday the previous night, or so I thought.
The empathy was TOTALLY gone and when I FINALLY figured out the only time he ever WAS an empathizer was while he was drinking (drunk) and by this time, he had sobered up and there I was, the CRAZY one again and I, for only the THIRD TIME in TWO years, hung up on him.
I called and texted him about 5 times the next day to let him know, I was coming to pick up the rest of my stuff and that he had BETTER not have locked doors I couldn’t enter to pick them up or I’d call the cops and tell them he had stolen these things from me.
(I’m SURE the cops would have laughed out loud but he fell for it enough to NOT have made me waste the gas and time of my trip.)
I had FINally had enough….enough to run copies of EVERY PIECE of dirt I had on him from the very beginning, things I NEVER allowed him to know and never brought up as I knew, he could and would have just lied lied and denied and I was willing to hold it all in for 2 years and allowed myself to stay NEEDY 🙁 enough to allow him to use me without him having to EVER apologize or show ANY type of appreciation towards me, in order to get the 2 or 3 times of GREAT once a month for 2 years as it was better than nothing. 🙁
AGAIN~I am NOT writing this to defend or UNdefend myself with my relationship with the monster.
Just wanted to share what I felt, was a great way, without breaking any laws, to get back just a little but as we know, it was for MY satisfaction as there was nothing WORSE I could have done as THEY could give a rat’s ass and are inCAPable of any REAL emotions.
The END of the 2 year relationship (which was probably a TOTAL of 6 months with all of his RUNS) was March 26th, 2013.
I STILL feel the pangs of REVENGE going though my head every now and then so…..I did ONE MORE thing to help ME feel better…
I had earlier gained full access to his cell phone account online and just REcently ask that it list EACH number that was called for the last month and I spent the weekend doing the LAST of my P.I. work on him by using Spy Dialer to find out who he was NOW using and abusing and ONE of those numbers happened to be Match.com.
You can SEARCH for free on that site but I still had to make an account in able to browse and there he was with a little bit of a revamped profile from when I met him 2 years prior.
He listed himself as only FIVE years younger instead of the 10 when I met him, he is now an executive business man (he used to say consultant) when in REAL LIFE, he’s a crappy auto repair/restorer who owns his own business with a revoked license due to owing the IRS taxes for the last 5(?) years or so and WOW….even though he only owes me a PITTANCE of $5,000+, he states he is NOW making $75-$100 THOUsand a year. 🙂
My most REcent revenge that only I will be satisfied from is I contacted Match.com and gave them all the info they need to Google his ass and see that, although he isn’t LISted as a Sociopath, he IS a liar/cheat and LOVE FRAUD.
Too early to see if they black list him from the site or not (haha! I’LL probably be the one to get in trouble for the FAKE account I had to make to check up on him) but reGARDless how anything pans out….from this day forward…MY UN law breaking way of revenge has helped MY ego subSTANtially and that is the ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS in the end.
ME, mySELF and lastly……I.
♥
4myshasta I say you go girl. They get away with it because,people don’t expose them. How do u feel about warning the next victim.
Is there a P.I in the house? 🙂 Welcome 4myshasta! Time for healing now!
Public exposure of the sociopath as such is the best revenge. It cuts not just their goals but the way to get them and prevents them to use more people. It would nice to have a sociopath watcher…