You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Hi mo mac,
I actually have already warned anyone I felt needed warning. My spath is now just a lodger next door at a property I own. He is on a walker, literally on his last legs, and he can’t do much anymore. Probably internet nonsense. He has no car, has to be taken anywhere he goes which right now is only to doctor appointments. So, it would be difficult for him to take advantage of anyone financially or physically. I ran out of people to warn about the same time his leg shattered from cancer. Mine is old and as long as I get my rent and watch a TV show or two with him and detach from most of what he says, I am doing OK and doing what I have chosen to do to make more money than I would if I had to deal with a stranger.
Thank you for your good information here. I think it is important to highlight that your spath went so far as to have an attorney “warn” you about legal action against you for warning others. The women I warned were younger and never interested in him as his favorite ploy is pity at this point. I did contact a spath woman with whom he was involved throughout our first “relationship” many years ago. I wanted to know the truth about their relationship and I got it. I used a completely false persona through email and Facebook (which lets you know how easy it is for people to do this) and told her I had dated him during certain years and asked if she had had a sexual and/or emotional relationship with him. She said she had. I never told her my name. I’ve contacted two others and never gave my real name. Both emailed back and thanked me.
I agree with you that if these women were someone he was currently “blowing smoke” (as he has put it) to, and he was younger and well, it would have been difficult to get them to look past the swag he is able to conjure up for a couple of months during the chase. If he was young, I would be rid of him for what I know about him at this time. Now, that we are older, I honestly just looked for him three years ago asking him if he wanted to be my “lodger” again. He did. He pretended he was “falling” for me again and I fell for that for a couple of months. Then, I realized more and more that I was dealing with an abuser at the very least. Finding out about narcissists and sociopaths led me to lovefraud and now I am able to handle him much differently. I kept trying to make him show love to me like he had for a few weeks. He doesn’t love and I know that now. What a relief. Now, I just take his money, go get his groceries, sometimes take him to the doctor when the VA can’t arrange for it, etc. It’s worth the savings I need to keep my budget right side up. He’s not much trouble any more. I’d much rather spend more time helping him get around as he gets closer to dying than go through what I went through in my 30s with him. If any other woman wants to watch him walk on a walker, be a caregiver until it’s time for him to go to professional VA care, and listen to his nonsense, he can. But, there is no one standing in line!
I really appreciate your telling your story because it shares the fact that one can be sued for giving out information about someone else if we use our real names….and….unfortunately, current victims of the ones who still have some swag left, usually won’t believe us. Thanks, again.
i hope so kmillercats! Nobody but nobody will EVER understand it unless they have experienced it. The crazy thing is they’re not even original. One in 25…. all a variation on the same appalling, shocking theme.
At least the poor soul will have something to refer to…not sure she’s that bright tho’!!
He was WAY out of his league with me. 🙂 (Not that it didn’t nearly kill me off tho’)
Don’t think it’s healthy for you to be around IT Fight??
You have one hell of a big heart girl.
I’d be feeding IT rat poison and pushing it over a cliff 😉
Love to both
Mo
Hi Mo: I need rent money most of all and he pays more than the average lodger I have had. I care about a part of him and will go through grief when he dies. But, I handle him with the knowledge he is a spath.
I think the ultimate revenge is regaining self respect, dignity, and self esteem. Spaths hate that in former, current, and future victims.
He’s old. He’s poor. He lives in a small area of my home and couldn’t make it my side without my help and invitation as he has no key and he is on a walker. From what I’ve seen, the best revenge on a spath is that they do so much nonsense throughout their lives, they get old at a very young age and with the excesses many imbibe in such as drugs, smoking, drinking, unsafe sex, food addictions, gambling, inability to keep a home, etc., they lose that swag very young. I keep him over there most of the time any more and I have made it clear that he can go to VA housing any time I want, so it’s an unusual situation. I have a house to pay off and then I am going back to my home state if I possibly can afford it. I know there are spaths everywhere, but some regions seem to breed them more than others.
I guess you could say that I have detached contact with him most of the time and if he tries to push a button, he get left behind with is walker.
Thanks to all my friends here who commented. Since I posted that I had the unfortunate chance of having to speak with the new girlfriend ( target to us) now I would tell other’s, there is no use in trying to warn them, you ll know all the proof I sent her. He has her convinced I am a Crazy B—-. As she called me. She hasn’t seen any of the signs I told her she would see, I could hear him laughing in the background, rubbing it in my letter to warn her had not worked and they both were rubbing it in that I was no longer anything to him. He is mine now ,she said
So now instead of feeling sorry for her when her world falls apart, I don’t care how long it takes, when I find out and I will through the grapevine. I am going to find her and personally LAUGH in her face!
Does anyone blame me?
Also, remember two things:
1. She is getting love bombed and fooled right now. She is being told that you were someone bad and that she is the most amazing person ever. She is being brainwashed, as we all have been, into believing that she is the one woman who will make him happy. Right now, he is making her feel as if she is the unique and special ONE.
2. Sometimes sociopaths find other sociopaths and you don’t want to tangle with two of them.
The article says it best. The best revenge is regaining YOU as best you can. The highest level of revenge is no contact. If I KNOW in my heart that I am a great person, the sociopath loses out by not being around me. After time with a sociopath, victims feels so tired and useless, we forget how wonderful we truly are. The best punishment is he doesn’t get to be with you any more.
Warning someone is a good thing for them. But, with the most recent sociopath, I had learned that all of my warnings must be anonymous…and the new ones won’t believe it just as I wouldn’t have. They made me feel so special. Those ex-wives and ex-girlfriends weren’t his “soul mate” according to them. Whether this new woman is another victim or another sociopath, she isn’t going to have it any better than you have. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to talk to her or have anything to do with her. Hopefully, you will have detached from both of them by then and they will be a bad memory as you pursue your own personal plans.
The best revenge is re-learning how to live your life for you.
KathyJ,
By the time she realizes you were telling her the truth,and HER LIFE IS IN CHAOS,you’ll be feeling and doing better,and there won’t really be that need to laugh in her face any longer.She’ll be another victim trying to find her way out of the pit.It’s the sociopath that you’re really mad at.
KathyJ,
Four times in my life I tried to warn one of my Brothers Girlfriends. All four times it turned out a disaster. The last two times were covert. In the end they wound up despising me too and blamed me for his actions.
Now, when I meet one of his Victims, I wait for them to ask me something about him. My response is a simple word, “Beware,” and I change the subject immediately. That seems to do three things; 1) issue a warning, 2) indicate that I gave up because he’s uncorrectable and I want nothing to do with him, and 3) prods them to open their eyes and trust their gut. That seems to work best.
I’m his Brother, and I get my revenge (for the Ladies) every time they leave him. I have no idea why, but they almost always seek me out to ask about him. I’ve even gotten Thank You notes after they realized what was really happening since I switched to this tactic.
Spath’s have Victims, but I believe they also have Targets. Targets are the ones they believe are responsible for all their problems. They usually have permanent Targets and Situational(Temporary) Targets. If I suspect someone is a Spath, I covertly check out their Target. Whatever Info I can get on them and see if it fits the Suspected Spath’s statements. If it dosen’t, I run. If it does, I try to help.
Cheers,
BuBu
BuBu: I truly appreciate your perspective as a sibling. We have heard from parents and children since I found this site. But, I don’t think anyone has given details about a sibling. It is very helpful to see every facet of a sociopath from each person’s perspective. Thank you.
Yup I thought I had my revenge on my spath by warning his current girlfriend…(after he had emailed me wanting to go for dinner and wanted sex) That was a month ago… Today I found out they are still together. I go through those feelings of “Was it just me he wasn’t happy with” He convinced her I was the crazy one…. Just like he did to me about his ex. Its such a cycle. It hurts, I don’t want him back, but it hurts that he “moved on” and I am still thinking about him EVERYDAY!!
I have just learned the hard way about what happens when you try to expose a sociopath. I was in a relationship for 3 years with a guy. He matches up to the Hare checklist almost 100%, but I realized this too late. I found out recently that he was living a completely double life. He was going behind my back and sleeping with hookers and random girls in my neighborhood almost every single day we were together. He also had a coke addiction I wasn’t aware of and took my money to fund it. When I called him on this he became abusive. He gaslighted and emotionally tortured me for about 6 months. Finally I found another stack of lies and confronted him, and he ran off and turned off his phone. I texted and called incessantly for a week, and then gave up. I wrote a blog post about what a liar, cheater, and abuser he was and sent the link to the women on his Facebook that I knew he had lied to and about (this is not illegal). None of them believed me and one of them filed a police report against me (at his urging) from another state. I decided to move on. A week later I was arrested for aggravated harassment and stalking. My ex told the police that I had assaulted him, followed him to his work and home, and harassed him and his friends for six months. Obviously since he had been sleeping in my bed up until 2 weeks prior I could not have stalked him. My calls and texts could maybe be considered harassment, but it was for a week, not 6 months, and I never once threatened or assaulted him. He is playing the victim and has gotten an order of protection against me. I spent a night in jail awaiting my arraignment and I have a court case pending. I have not had a single chance to defend myself so far and even my lawyer treats me like a criminal. I have lost all of my friends in the last 6 months because of this ex, and I have no support and am terrified. I will have to spend thousands of dollars to defend myself against his blatant lies, and have this stigma against me. No one believes me because he is such a charmer, and is also a local celebrity (a subway musician). I can not tell you how much I regret ever meeting this person. He is ruining my life.
Furixx, take a deep breath. You have support right here. I am so sorry you are going through this. Mine also threatened to file a complaint against me for harassment after confronting his exwife, and his new girlfriend. They both think I am totally crazy. I too feel defenseless. I know EXACTLY how you feel and what you are going through. He was the one that emailed me wanting to “go for dinner” and have sex… and as soon as I exposed him he did everything in his power to make me look crazy. I’ve been there, the constant texting, calling etc…the courts and everyone else manipulated by him see it as “stalking” I get it. I’ve been accused of it as well.
All I can advise is to 100% back off. Never call, text, email him ever again. I know you have a lot to deal with and the fact that you have to go to court can’t change, but what’s the worst they can do give out a restraining order? Everything will be fine. Lay low for a while. It WILL all blow over.
What a skeezebag!! … ours sound the EXACT same!!
I had a child to defend(his and his ex-wives) that he BONDED me to. That child is the hardest thing to let go of. Me trying to do the right thing and warn his ex that this man is NOT a role model for this child that I love. And then she calls me crazy?
Gotta take care of you…that’s all I keep telling myself.
PS my ex beat me up in March… I didn’t press charges because I was too scared about what he would do to me if I exposed him. How effed is that!!??
Serenity, It’s not effed at all. It’s better to get away and hope they move on to someone new UNLESS they begin stalking and threatening and won’t move on.
But, if they physically abuse you and you have a police report and you are separated from them after that, it is a really good idea to just let them go and, sadly, hope they have other current “marks” or find a new one quickly.
Yes, take care of you. Statistics show that many of these men will become more dangerous after a PO is filed.
Again, I am not saying not to do it if they are continuing to stalk you. When they won’t leave you alone once you have made it clear they are gone for good, you usually then have to file a PO. However, if they skulk away, dump you, accept you have dumped them, or move on to the next, it is better for you.
My first husband was a “sort of” stalker. He couldn’t make up his mind. I felt both sad and happy when I believed he was on to the next. I didn’t try to warn her. One telling thing is something he said to me when he picked up his stuff. I had to force him to come and pick up his stuff three months after the divorce. I finally called and told him to come and get it or I would have to sell it. I asked my sister and brother in law to hide in a bedroom while he was there so I would be safe.
He brought male “friends” I had never met to help him move. I was still angry and raw. I said, “Look, if you guys have sisters, cousins, etc., KNOW this guy is abusive and keep them away from him.” They gave me that “This wonderful friend of ours has already told us YOU are crazy” look.
He said, “You can’t save the whole world, you know!” How telling is that? No. We can’t save the whole world. But, we can save ourselves and silence is the best choice whenever possible.
I hope everyone will take the time to read this article again and again and please read every single post beneath it.
The sociopath has NO CONSCIENCE. They will not/can not love anyone. The sociopath will do anything. The ones who meet all of the traits of a sociopath/psychopath will murder. Ted Bundy. John Wayne Gacy. Various cult leaders. Murderers. Pedophiles. All types of criminals. The ones who have the fewest traits are petty thieves, liars, addicts…AND there are almost always people (neighbors, co=workers, friends, fellow congregants) who think or say, “But, he/she is a wonderful person!” They fool hundreds of people. John Wayne Gacy was deep into supporting his community. He had won an award from the Jaycees. And, he was abusing his wife and daughters, abusing young males as sex slaves, killing them, and burying them under his house.
I believe most of us deeply understand the need for justice. But, we have to remember that our depth of compassion, empathy, love, etc. are what draws the sociopath to us in the first place. WE still have those wonderful traits inside us. THE SOCIOPATH NEVER HAD THEM. They reflect ourselves back to us…our beliefs, our love, our empathy. They love bomb us. Normal people have a little narcissism in order to have some self esteem. Sociopaths know that and they reflect us back to us making us believe we have found our perfect match. My first sociopath shared my political party and all of my beliefs. Now, 27 years later, he is on wife four and is another political party and he is super religious which he wasn’t before. I will repeat what I have written here before: Sociopaths are FERAL human beings. They are no whole people. But, like a feral human being, they can mimic what they see, learn human language, reflect a smile back to other humans…and then have the base animal instinct to do ANYTHING they can to get all of their instinctual needs met.
If you can not stop yourself from warning others (and I have been there many times), do it completely anonymously and then let it go. Tell no one you did it. Then, grieve, get counseling, read everything you can in the self help aisle, and start your life over.
Furixx: Keep reading and sharing here. Contact an attorney. And follow the “no contact” rule as if your life depended on it….because it probably does.
Furixx,
I really feel for your angst and pain. It is maddening to deal with these subhuman creatures. Everything we do and say is twisted and we are left looking like the nutty one. Take heart and leave it all behind, in your heart and mind. Breathing through it, focused, meditative breathing, when you need to calm yourself, can help you get through all that you are facing. It will all pass someday, and be ancient history. Remind yourself of that, as you face the issues ahead. They will someday be over, and you will be ok, even better and stronger than ever before.
A statement I have heard in meetings I attend. ” Don’t just do something!!…Stand there!!!”
There is power in being still, and letting others vascillate, without your stepping in to do a thing. Just be still, do nadda!
Hugss and peace to you….breathe through it all, close your eyes and just focus on slow, calm breath.
I so agree with the idea here, the best way to stand up to what a predator/spath did to us; overcome the trauma and not give them one more moment of our lives!! I am not there yet, but I am working on it and NC is solid. It helps!
Bluemosaic
Blossom that is almost the line on my mindfulness group’s flyers and webpage- don’t just do something, sit there, lol. This mirtazapine seems to be more a fit for me than citalopram. Day 6 and the only major side effect is the heavy sleep it induces, like for 12 hours if I don’t have two alarms set and even then I have to force myself up and it takes a lot of coffee to get me out of my jim jams and out the door. There’s definitely more mental clarity than with citalopram which took 6 months off my life by turning me into a barely functional zombie. Anyway the cloud on the horizon is that I fear the stalking will start again with a vengeance at the end of this month. It’s been quiet for the past 16 days since he last managed to get a call through to me by using an unknown ( therefore, unblocked) number. If his wife is actually flying to her country with their son to live permanently as my abuser claims, I fear the stalking will be off the chain. But I’ ll have to deal with that as and when it happens.
On topic, I never warned his wife he had tricked me into an affair by lying and pretending to have seperated. I agonised over filing for a restraining order as she and their 6 year old would then have had the police delivering papers with the hearing date at what is their home too. I took no action to ” get revenge” despite the months of lies and being sexually assaulted. I just fought to save my own sanity and future by learning about socio and psychopathy coming here and praying to God. These measures and no contact – broken on occasion by my abuser’s persistant stalking – seem to have worked a ” revenge” that was unintended. His obsession with me and no doubt his other extra marital affairs seem to have caught up with him and his ( second) marriage now appears over. If we judge these disordered people by empaths standards however, we fail to recognise what these people are. Not like us. So really, will it ” hurt” my abuser if he’s left alone at 50 in a couple of weeks? I doubt it. It’ll be his wife’s fault, to him. And he has his mother up the street to cook and clean for him. He’ll be free then to pursue new victims full time. My point being that they don’t hurt as empaths do. What we might consider devastating, they may be able to shrug off or turn to their advantage. There are a lot of vulnerable people out there they can turn into victims.
Lightsie: So glad to hear that you are feeling better on the new medication. I am wondering if you cut down the dosage slightly if you wouldn’t be so sleepy? Unless you need the sleep for now.
Can you share the Mindfulness website you have found? I have CDs and read books but haven’t thought of looking for a website that might offer daily reminders.
I have to go to an OT today. My cut finger is just not healing properly. I can only bend it about 30%. I HATE going to new doctors. With PTSD and Agoraphobia, it just takes so much out of me. I think spath is coming back from hospital today also. Feeling very overwhelmed today.
The mindfulness site I mentioned is the one of my local group here in the UK , love. But I watched some of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s videos on YouTube, they were useful to me, I recommend them to anyone wanting to try a stress reduction program which many swear by. It does take some discipline though, I admit I am nowhere near mastering mindfulness. But I enjoy reading Kabat-Zinn and my mindfulness cd.
The heavy sleep is manageable for me fightsie as I work part time and flexibly. For someone with small kids, full time work or dependents it would be hard to handle.
I relate to the feeling overwhelmed, many of us will. Break it down. You have to get the finger healed. You have to see the doctor for that. Your agoraphobia has to be managed so it doesn’t prevent you getting fixed up. So despite the anxiety, you’ll go, because your priority in life is caring for yourself and being well.
The Lodger, similarly, creates anxiety but you have made a decision to tolerate his proximity because of a financial benefit to yourself which helps acheive your goal of home ownership.
We’re here when you need us. Remember to breathe . Breathe through it.
fight,
Take care of yourself by taking care of that finger!
PTSD and Agoraphobia have got to be overwhelming;remember progress starts with the decision to take a step and then doing it!
Take a deep breath and exhale slowly! If the spath comes home today,then he comes home today! Can he not get some kind of Home Care?!
Tea,
It was fight that made the comment,”Don’t just do something…stand there!”
I know that the sleepiness is a pain;but as fight mentions in her post,sometimes we are in need of the sleep.That is what happened to me when my NP prescribed Cymbalta.I slept through the first week,like nonstop!It felt really crazy,like being drugged,but when I’d finally caught up on the rest I needed,life started looking good,and I felt like “dancing to the music”!
Don’t worry yourself about stalking right now.He may and then he may not.It probably depends upon how quickly he finds the next victim!
No Blossom it was Blue!! Lol. Are you on mirtazapine by any chance? That’s MY excuse anyway. You’re right, my system needs the rest so I’ m not fretting over the sleepiness. Maybe if it lasts past next week…. And I will try to ignore my hunch about the end of the month, it’s just, I know him. He hates being alone. And bored. And alone means bored as he has no inner resources. And I wouldn’t wish him on anyone, thats for sure. Anyway I’ll deal if and when.
Did you see your doctor Blossom? Second question. Was it chim chiminey chim chimeney chim chim cheroo that got you dancing?