You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Hi Tea Light and Blossom,
The comments on who said, “don’t just do something,…stand there!” , are hilarious. LOL The longer I have away from him, the more my sense of humor returns : ) The comment is not even mine, I have heard it at 12 step meetings for years. Many of us, i.e., ME, have a tendency to be a bit reactive!
I am feeling a little better, as the days go by. Proof of the power of NC, and getting some of myself back…hands down the best revenge.
I am going through a very reflective state of being grateful for the discard. I do have issues, never a mystery to me that I did. Perhaps, like a recovering alcoholic, some day….I may be a grateful spath victim. That it took this much drama to pull me out of the shortcomings I had, well…very unfortunate. I do feel a strong sense of a desire to be better for it. Hugs to all !
FFWR, hang in there, and since you are still in a spath’s presence, you will be in my prayers and thoughts everyday. May the being above be there for you and give you strength! Much LOVE n HUGS to you : )
Bluemosaic
Hey, everyone I googled “how to not hate a sociopath” today and came up with this article. It actually was something I never thought of before regarding forgiveness:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-reason-to-be-grateful-for-our-most-difficult-painful-experiences/
I read it, was very good. Just takes time but I’m getting better.
Hi Serenity12,
Thx for sharing this with us. I have a feeling I am going to dig it, just by the title. A thought has occured to me today. The utter sadness of how it must be to go through one’s life, never having been able to bond and feel intimacy with another human being.
Please don’t cyber shoot me LOL, for having such a thought.
I am sure the man who deceived me and betrayed me, knew exactly what he was doing. The pain and dismantleling of my well being, was also quite likely , very intentional. I still think he is worse off to have a life empty of caring and bonding.
I will have love again, as a possiblity in my life. He never will. Maybe that is arrogant of me. If his history is any indicator though, I may be right. It has probably been said here before, it really was the only thing he was capable of, ugly as his actions were.
Maybe I have had too much koolaid…or chocalate! LOL
Hugs and GN to all,
Bluemosaic
Blue,
Glad to hear that your humour is returning! 🙂 I feel the same way with NC…it is the most peaceful I have felt in years!I have been able to grow spiritually and find out out what I’m capable of doing! I went through so many years of feeling totally mindless…it feels great to know that I have a great mind,lol! 🙂
Hi Blossom4th,
Thx! Yes, humor is returning. The sense that I do have worth is returning with it.
How long is your NC? I currently have 3 plus months. If I had not responded to his last fishing hook e-mails and calls, I would have had 6 months. I guess there was still a small part of me holding out hope that he cared. I think that part of me is the little “inner girl” who was deeply saddened by my perceived loss.
The woman in me see’s that all I lost was a man who could only offer me a life of disrespect and betrayal. Not to mention the mind destroying control and manipulation.
Thank you for being here and sharing, giving from a place of spiritual growth and healing. It gives hope and light to those of us still climbing back up the hill of grief, that this relationship took me down! : )
May you have a lovely and peaceful day!
Bluemosaic
Thanks for the link Serenity and thanks Imara again for the Sandra Says link I really have got a lot from her article, great stuff. Calm wise I welled up in tears when I burnt the bacon I was planning to put in a bagel for breakfast! My AD med makes me groggy after the heavy sleep it brings on. I was reading all of your posts which you posted in the middle of the UK night and suddenly smoke. The link from Serenity helped calm me back down. I have so much to be grateful for. One of those things is that I can love and value the simple presence of others in my life unlike my psychopathic abuser. Yes we are all better off than them. They inhabit a moral and emotional desert.
Sweet Tea,
Did you start medications only after your abuser left? I had never before taken any kind of psychotropic meds…after the discard though, I started anti anxiety and sleeping meds. Felt terrible…stopped the anxiety but used only the sleep aids for about two years. Have been able to sleep now without meds…. I used the EFT tapping for a little bit and don’t know if that helped, but what I did find helpful was guided imagery. And prayer. Here’s hoping that you can get off those meds soon!!! Take tender care of yourself!!!
Imara, just saw your post now! I took AD med for maybe a month many years ago after my father’s death but the side effects were so awful – it was the now notorious seroxat- that I came straight off. Otherwise, nothing until now, no. I’m having more luck with this mirtazapine , am sleeping heavily still but for about 9, not 12 hours as during the first few days. Other than that and ‘restless legs’ in bed like crazy before I sleep, it’s a much better fit than citalopram, which I hated, I felt semi comotose for the 5 months I was on that. With this, I watched a comedy film the other night and laughed a lot, really cracked up laughing, and even the fact that my call blocker barred stalking texts from the narcopath today, hasn’t completely ruined my day. I just emailed BBE, (aka LF poster beyond_blue_eyes) and defrosted the fridge and went grocery shopping.
Great to read you are anxiety and sleep meds free! I am taking these for the anxiety, which span out of control into panic disorder and agoraphobia during the ” relationship”. Btw he didn’t leave, he is married and lied about that. I never lived with him. I ended it last Nov when he attacked me and I realised when I googled that he is disordered. Love to you Imara, always good to read your upbeat and thoughtful posts.
Thank you to all my friends here. If I don’t answer fast I have lots of migraines ,but love you guys. Thanks for all your help. Hope your in better places. Now, how can I get Lovefraud to her without her knowing it came from me. I surf her FB every so so and found out end of relationship today. He he. She had posted on Sat. “Quit wasting my time, it is precious to me. Next I can’t believe someone who would take gods name in vain and then turn around and ask for Mercy”
Next. End of relationship on FB. He was my trouble she said. So I just had to do something so I text him and said 🙂 smile someone luvs you. Ha ha he he, he called me wanting to know why I sent it. I said just cause I thought of you. You just don’t want me to be with anybody else and be miserable.cant we just be friends? No if we do that things will start up again, then not when I’m in a relationship. He was mad, sad, so confused, didn’t know what to say. Lol it’s only been 3 days so I’m sure he is working that phone. Lol
How do I send her Lovefraud site annonmysly?
still-Standing: I like the old fashioned way. Print out the lovefraud.com website address along with a short synopsis of the Red Flags Donna lists and mail it from a place where you don’t live. Do not use your handwriting anywhere including on the envelope. Mail it to her and make sure it is not postmarked from the city where you live. Then, make sure you never mention this website to the sociopath or any of his friends or any of her friends. If you hear through the spath, her, or any mutual acquaintances, say, “Hmmm. That sounds interesting. What’s the site address?”
On FB, you would have to set up a completely anonymous email account and create a completely anonymous FB account and send her a message. You have to decide if it is worth it to YOU.
She seems to have him figured out. However, as you probably know, he could be sweet talking her back right now with one hand in her purse and a flower in his hand. That could mean she might let him know that “someone” has contacted her with a story. He will be able to guess it is you if you give her one single identifying story.
Protect yourself. Finding out everything isn’t all it’s cracked up to be unless you want contact with him, or want to find him, for some reason. If you don’t want to tangle with him ever again, but you feel compelled to send her this site information, you could achieve that by sending it snail mail (as I described above) or creating a completely anonymous (fake) person to message her on FB. She may feel compelled to respond to you, though, and then you may feel compelled to share…then the next thing you know, he is stalking you. Or she has accepted him back and they are both stalking you.
There are people here who have to worry day and night about being stalked by an ex who is a spath. No warning to a stranger (unless he is a violent criminal) is worth getting his bad attention back on you.
Still, honestly I believe its not worth it in the end. I know how you’re feeling about wanting revenge and justice. But ask yourself a couple questions: Are you TRULY warning her for HER? Or are you wanting to shake up his world as a form of revenge to have him lose her? Here’s the thing: There will ALWAYS be someone else… I pulled my spaths new girlfriend over on the road and showed her emails that he sent the day before about wanting to go for dinner and have sex etc. He convinced her that I actually FOLLOWED her and MADE UP the emails just to try and “ruin his life” Now her and all her family think I am TOTALLY NUTS!! And trust me that is not a good feeling. You KNOW how manipulative they are ESPECIALLY when they are exposed… My exspath PANICKED when he was exposed and he pulled the old OJ Simpson move…. deny deny deny.(he also got physical) And she BOUGHT it!! If someone would have showed me this sight before I met him I honestly would have thought: “Well I bet he will change for me… he wasn’t in love with his ex. I am different” I remember thinking that and I KNOW the new one is too. They tell their new victims how crazy the ex is and how the entire relationship was OUR fault.
If she’s not ready to see it she wont. So is it worth you looking crazy? It wasn’t to me. I wish I could take it back and save face. Think about how hard it was to get out of this abusive situation? Her reading a blog or a message from you isn’t going to make her go “Oh I see this! I’m walking away today”
100% support Serenity’s and FFs take on this Still. So many posters here have wrestled with the pro’s and cons of warning the next woman down the line. Or in some cases the wife who is in the dark about a sociopathic husband’s infidelity or criminal activities.
It’s a complicated predicament. Our desire to warn them may be heartfelt, but may also be at some level about wanting him to hurt rather than her to be safe. You are not going to be around to know how she reacts or how their relationship pans out if you warn her. So after warning her, what then? You may get a sense of
100% support Serenity’s and FFs take on this Still. So many posters here have wrestled with the pro’s and cons of warning the next woman down the line. Or in some cases the wife who is in the dark about a sociopathic husband’s infidelity or criminal activities.
It’s a complicated predicament. Our desire to warn them may be heartfelt, but may also be at some level about wanting him to hurt rather than her to be safe. You are not going to be around to know how she reacts or how their relationship pans out if you warn her. So after warning her, what then? You may get a sense of satisfaction but it probably won’t last long. More than likely you’d then start wanting to know whether she left, and so on. That’s the route to you potentially stalking online. You don’t want to go there. The reality is you are no longer his partner. That is positive. His disorder will wreck havoc with the life of any woman who gets close to him. They will leave, or not. You don’t have control over that. You get to control your own decisions. And your decision to get out and stay out and to steer clear of men like this in future is the best place for your focus to be, not on him, or her.
Tea, this happened to me as well… I did some facebook creeping and found photo’s of all of them at a baby shower as one big happy family… I remember one time after I found condoms in his suitcase and I threatened to leave I was crying and I remember him saying “I think its time someone needs a present…or maybe we can buy that condo we were talking about” As if he was trying to “take the next step” or fast forward a “commitment” because he got caught and was exposed. I can guarantee that’s what happened to this new victim. He was caught red handed and probably offered her the world to make up for it… It makes me SICK that he gets away with it!! Next they’ll be married and pregnant and I am still dealing with getting over all of this!! I SHOULDN’T have looked at facebook!! I’ve been hurting since I did… All of these photo’s of them in our old house with all brand new furniture, redecoration, having a baby shower for her sister and all her family… family photo’s of them and his son(who I bonded so tightly to) he doesn’t deserve happiness of ANY kind even if it is short lived! RRRRrrrgggghhhhhh!!!
Serenity, ((hug)). I got as far down the online spying road as looking at my abuser’s wife’s fb page. He said she was younger than him, but. her photo made clear she is younger by at least 20 years. He’s now 50. I looked last year at her fb page and she looked 26 – 28. I was shocked. And I felt sorry for her. She comes from a country where women are mostly still socialised to be submissive to their husbands. But looking at that page was not appropriate. I had already ended the ” relationship”, I knew he was still married. Looking made me feel small. Like I was violating her privacy. Yes fb is public domain or this page was, but I still was spfying on the woman. I didn’t go back there and never contacted her to tell her of his violence and infidelity.
Ultimately, our involvement with these disordered people has to stop if we value our well being. That for me meant and means no contact with him or anyone else in his life. Ever. I feel deeply for those who have to coparent with a sociopath and are court ordered into contact. If we are lucky enough not to be in that situation like you and I are, it’s best to focus exclusively on rebuilding our lives without any future involvement with theirs.
As for what you saw in the photos, photos are posed and staged. You know what’s coming down the track for this woman, sadly. Don’t take any notice either way. She will walk, or not. You are your business, and figuring out she is with a sociopath is hers. Love to you Serenity.
Hi Serenity and Tea Light: FB really can cause me a lot of anxiety if I look up the narcissists in my family and am deeply feeling my mostly isolated life.
Serenity, I’ll bet there were times with the sociopath where you smiled for the camera in spite of him trying to drive you crazy, cheating, lying, etc. You may or may not have felt the smile was real in that moment.
We are taught from a young age that smiling for the camera is what you do. Just because this next person in the line of his ruined brain is smiling in a photograph doesn’t mean she isn’t being abused by him. As a matter of fact, I have been forced to smile even “better” for some photos in my life when I didn’t feel like smiling.
It’s one second in time where she has been told to smile for a photograph. YOU know what the other 23 hours and 59.9 seconds are like for her. A roller coaster ride with a creep. You know that. The highs and the crushing lows she is going through will barely be visible in some photos….if at all.
Thanks Tea, my spaths new victim is young as well and not well educated. I know she is drawn in by the thought of a loving family and someone to nurture and take care of. He sucked me into that but I began to resent him as he wasn’t reciprocating. It was all about his life and his goals. Already she has moved in re-arranged furniture, is running his business, taking care of his child and organizing his life. I demanded to be “taken care of” as well and when this became too much of a challenge for him I was discarded. I can’t help thinking…what if he did find a “slave” for him that doesn’t have as much of an independent personality, career, lifestyle and she is in fact complacent doing things for him and his child? It frustrates me because he wins! He’s happy! He got the life he was looking for!
Hi Serenity: As you know, part of the sociopath cycle is that they are never really happy. The illusion. They are always searching for the next “one:” a person, a high, a food, a car, a house, another kid, and any number of things. They do not feel anything like normal people. Even if the next one is a complete slave, she won’t last long. They really get even more bored of the ones who are completely bamboozled after a while.
I was once the younger person by 9 years…the second wife. I can absolutely guarantee you that I was not happy. He told me some of the same lies he told his first wife and some different ones. He cheated on her and I’m sure he cheated on me. This was before the computer age, so I never could “research” it or see photos of the next ones. I lost a ton of weight when I was married to him. I couldn’t even work full time. He abused me and kept me up nights fighting to keep me in a fog. He said he was a Navy Seal and had been injured in Viet Nam and had a scar to prove he had been hit by shrapnel. He told me he had a purple heart, but threw it away because it caused him PTSD. We went to see “Platoon” and he shook and shook next to me in the theater even saying he had to go to the lobby during some parts.
He did everything he could to make me never want to talk to his first wife. He told me she was jealous and hated me. Of course, I felt special and unique and better than her. That was MY combo of low self esteem and unacceptable level of narcissism that kicked in so SURE I was better than her in every way.
I finally called her the day after someone delivered a paternity court order for him for some kid I had never heard of. The first wife only answered questions I asked her. She had three kids with him and needed the child support. She told me all of the lies. He was stationed in Hawaii at the very end of the war. She said, “He has a good heart. He just is an alcoholic.”
I now know that he had a devolved mind and sucked me in. He did most of the usual stuff. Borrowed my credit card for work clothes. Then he owed me money so I kept going to get it back. Many, many of the same things we all go through here with sociopaths or those with sociopath behaviors and tendencies.
My spath was not happy and neither was I. Our marriage lasted a 75% miserable 5 years. By using his own manipulation tactics against him making him think he might get me back someday, I got the house. There was no equity in it, but I got it and still have it. It was close to my family and his next future miserable woman lived in a city 30 minutes away. THAT was where he wanted to be next.
He is now sober and called to make the “amends” a few years ago. I even met him for lunch three years ago when he came to town. He lives in a different state now and is with wife number four who is finally his age! They do get old and they can’t spend the money on the young ones when they are headed for Social Security. He really wanted me back. I was not attracted to him in the least any more. I know that if I had made one move, he would be living in our old house with me right now making me miserable. He now has some dementia so he would also be driving me crazy with that. Lunch was over. We had a few laughs. Hug Hug Kiss Kiss….and so long. We talked on the phone a few times and I made it clear I had no interest and he got married a couple of years later.
Believe me, during that lunch, I WISHED he could be trusted to continue the charm he was exuding. A life of that would have been attractive. But, it had been too long. I had been through a lot. I had earned a degree, been married and divorced a second time. He wasn’t for me any more. I had been “no contact” with him for decades before he contacted me to “apologize.” What he was was old and lonely and wanted to be married again and wanted to see if he had a chance with me. No, he didn’t and on to the next one.
But….believe it or not….when I saw on FB that he had remarried, I cried. That is just the way it is. I cried for what he could be. I cried for how our life could have been. I worried about the older woman he married because she owns her own business and I figure he will have her mortgage that place to the hilt. I cried because if he had not been a sociopath, we would have been married for over 25 years when he married that fourth wife. I cried because I am human with dreams. But, my brain knows the reality and I got over it for the most part. I don’t think their “charms” ever leave us. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t make a choice to leave them. Just because it hurts, doesn’t mean we can’t do it.
One day at a time, try to stop looking at his or her FB pages. They are probably only leaving them public to upset you. Try to look fewer times a week until over time, you are “forgetting” to look. He is not for you. He is not for anyone but himself and he is effed up. Take it from the second wife of one, I went through the same highs and lows as every other person who has ever found themselves with a sociopath. And it is not a life. It is a slow death of all that is good and evolved in us.
Serenity, you are an educator, an intelligent woman. You don’t want to change that. You don’t want to be ”not well educated”. You resented him rightly, inevitably, becuase you are intelligent, and he is an abusive indiviudal who ultimately physically assaulted you. Your resentment was the instinct to get the hell out. You didn’t get out as you would have liked, as we would all chose to – voluntarily, in a ‘dignified’ way, perhaps throwing a few well rehearsed cutting remarks on the way out. Life isn’t like that. So you got out by his deciding to brutally discard you. Good! I’m glad he discarded you, Serenity, which is in NO WAY intended as a facetious comment or to diminish the suffering you have experienced. But I’m glad that you got out.
From your posts, I may be completely off the mark here, but I feel as if the brutality of his discarding you is the ‘sticking point’ in your recovery path Serenity, and this may be becuase you know you are of value, you know your worth. Why would he discard you for a less educated woman? It doesn’t seem right, or fair. It doesn’t seem to make sense.
But it does make sense when you are talking about a sociopath. An abusive man does not want an equal. He wants a service provider at ‘best’ and a punch bag at worse.
You were discarded, I think, because you fought back. You are not a ‘slave’. You put up too much resistance. You tried to impose boundaries and to make him into what he is not, and will never be – a responsible, caring partner. So you were gone.
His happiness ( or sadness, or anger or hunger or tiredness or whatever) is his. He ends, and you begin. You have to find that point of distinction and feel it, visualise it, accept it. You are not one being. Live in your own body , and mind, and life, where you belong. The hardest thing I think for survivors who had the discard ( rather than the stalking or the boomerang) is the shame, and the desire that the edning had been on their terms. Get rid of that shame, and see the discard as inevitable. You didn’t fit the bill. Thank God! and so it’s on to the woman who is easier to control.
Take care today, love to you.
Hi Serenity and Tea Light:
Tea Light’s comments are very helpful to me here. One of the reasons Tea Light’s comments are helpful to me is because she has been stalked and has an insight that helps me because my latest spath (an exboyfriend who lovebombed and promised true love THIS time because he wanted to move into a rental on my property) is someone who withdraws, emotionally discards, and has always moved on to the next target (at least when he was young and had a car). Now, he just does it emotionally and I have had to detach from him as much as I can.
It is not a relationship. It is a game that creates a lonely person sitting/living next to a person who does not have a normal brain. Someone who made me feel he had changed and knew how wrong he had been in the past. In his words, “A new Jimmy (not his real name)” A person who doesn’t care if you are sitting next to him or not. In my case, I have felt during the on and off times with him in the last 17 years, that I could be anyone…male or female. As long as whatever he needed in that moment is met, it doesn’t matter who it is giving them what they want in that moment.
It is THEM. It is not you. They do not have normal, loving brains like yours. As I have read so many of the great articles in the Archives here, watched Donna’s video, and continue educating myself about sociopaths, I see that while their brains are similar in many ways, there seem to be two types: Stalkers and Discarders. They are both emotionally abusive. But, I prefer the discarder in the long run.
I was barely stalked by my first husband….with jealousy and popping up at places (like my workplace) where they aren’t supposed to be, and it was the worst.
I’ll take the emotionally unavailable, manipulative, phony discarder any day of the week. I will take the one who leaves me. One causes more grief (and a feeling of shame or low self esteem as Tea Light points out). The other causes constant fear and anxiety. Believe me, the grief is much better to work through when they aren’t terrorizing you. At least, that has been my personal comparison and experience.
Serenity, I have thought your thoughts….( my ex’s mistress has been called subservient, is 20+ years younger and was his secretary in a country where women are culturally taught to defer to men)
My mom said to me… you are not the kind of lady who needs a man….rather you are a person who any man would want and need!!!!
I have taken that to heart.
If he is so terribly weak and insecure and incompetent…it reflects well on you that you are away from him. The fact that you were discarded may be the best gift that sorry excuse of a man may have given you!!!
Take time to be the best YOU you can be and focus on building a life for yourself that includes respect and warmth and true caring.
He will show his colors…remember they do not and in all honesty cannot change.
Good quote by your mother..I’m stealing it thanks:)