You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Ah coincidences!
The past few days I have been humming that song…”Someone that I used to know”. Just, I think…a inner realization that that is it….that’s all he is now….as I have been just moving on without realizing that I am.
A month or so it was….”to see him never would be too soon”…yeah, now, pigeon poop. Whatever.
Movement, I believe, has been in that I’ve taken some time – in this awful heat…to rest in the shade and read. (Soothing for me – and a good sign that my stress is lowering).
I thoroughly enjoyed “This is How” by Augusten Burroughs (Running with Scissors author). Perhaps because we are of an age…and the things he wrote of are lessons I surely hope I’ve learned by now….apparently not, because I got a lot out of his book.
And – Steve Harvey – his two books….”Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”…and I’m in the middle of “Straight Talk, No Chaser”. Besides enjoying his humour on Family Feud – I’d seen him on “Anderson”.
Originally, I’d ordered Harvey’s books from the library in that eternal (it seems) search to find out why I have such a poor “pecker picker” (sorry, no offense intended)….and he covers boundaries and values and self worth….it just ‘caught’ me and made sense. He is very clear on ‘red flags’ as we know them…and he doesn’t negotiate.
Profess, Provide and Protect……….so simple.
……………..
As to revenge on a spath. No, nope, never. Being clean – away from the slime…healthy – mind, body and soul…is so much more valuable to me. I believe…with some experience…that a spath will only be taken down by someone more powerful that has had enough of their games.
However, that said…I am not yet in a place of power(wellbeing) ..or feeling of power. Nor is the spath in my life anymore….easy for me to say. I hope that I would find that strength should my loved ones be threatened.
Shelley
Donna, thank you for this timely article – as all of them are on this site.
At one point, I wanted to see the exspath in prison for his frauds. Today, I just want to get on with my life. My personal belief is that there is no amount of money or any punishment that would “fix” what the exspath did. Karma, perhaps, will come back around and pay him a visit, but I won’t be there to see it. I don’t care, anymore.
With the most recent female spath, she’s digging her own grave at 24 with a mountain of debt, and people realizing that she’s toxic (at the very least). She may, or may not, end up marrying my colleague, but whatever happens, I won’t be around to see karma visit her, either. I simply don’t care.
What I do care about is the well-being of my son and myself. I have some major changes coming up, and I am fighting fear-based paralysis on a daily basis. How did I find myself basically homeless and destitute? My own lack of boundaries and willingness to trust someone else are my faults. These are things that I will be working on for the rest of my life.
This is not to say that I don’t fantasize about spaths experiencing what they have truly earned, but “justice” is rarely delivered, and “revenge” would put me on the same level as the spaths. It’s best for me to just walk away.
I don’t feel as if I’m in a place of “power” or “control,” yet, either. One thing is certain: from this point on, I’m in the driver’s seat of my life, and I’m going to learn how to relish my personal freedom and responsibilities.
Brightest blessings
I was able to get my revenge which proved very therapeutic.
After I chucked him out he moved to a different part of the country. I kept getting letters from debt collection agencies for him, which at first I ignored. then I decided that I would speak to one of them. I rang them and told them that he had moved, but gave them his new address. I also gave them all the aliases I discovered he used. they said he’s really giving us the run around isn’t he and I laughed. I later heard that his house had been raided by the baliffs & the police & they took all his stuff (including my laptop which he took, and he and his new girlfriend were arrested.
he was furious and phoned a mutual friend calling me the bitch from hell etc etc etc. But I laughed. It felt good to feel that he’d finally suffered at my hands 🙂
The only problem I have with being patient and waiting until he digs his own grave or until my life has regained some semblance of the way it used to be and I’m once again happy and somewhat successful is that:
By the time that happens, because of time and NC, I will then (hopefully!) be indifferent to him so it won’t have the same impact as it would if it happened sooner rather than later. I want him to suffer as much as I’m suffering NOW!
I know I can’t–and won’t–do anything to speed up that process, his inevitable downfall, but it sure makes for good fantasy!
I watched a documentary about Ian Brady, The Moors murderer called ‘Endgames of a psychopath’ by channell 4 last night.
His ‘mental health advocate’ Jennifer was arrested for keeping a letter written by Brady addressed to the mother of one of Keith Bennet one his victims, to be read upon Brady’s death….anyway to cut a long twisted story short…Ian Brady continues to manipulate those around him at the age of 73!!
EVERYONE who came in contact with him comes away having been made a fool of…everyone including lawyers, judges, psychiatrists…He has a complete disdain of professionals in the area of mental health and accuse the Justice system of torturing him daily, and treats them with contempt if at all.
He used his mental health officer to effectively break the law by playing on her ethic of confidentiality etc. I felt sick after watching the programme and it reminded me of my ex…every interaction is another chance to exploit and dupe no matter who you are!
what I’m saying is there is no expectation within me for “accountability” from a psychopath….it’s like looking for water in a desert…we hallucinate, see an illusion in the distance of an oasis but as we get nearer we see it is nothing more than wishful thinking…
Ian Brady is being force fed through a tube to keep him alive, He is on hunger strike for years….it’s a dreadfully bleak ordeal with no one coming out the winner…He is what He is…a miserable wretch now being tortured by the prison system and STILL He holds onto the one shred of power…the knowledge of where the body of Keith Bennet, one of his victims is. Bennets mother waged a campaign for years trying to get the information. She died last week….Brady still cold bloodedly keeps the secret…and campaigns for his right to be moved to a Prison in Scotland that will respect his ‘right to die’
Surely at some stage we need to give this to God, hand it over and let it go. Brady is living in a very darkened state and I believe this will not change even in death. To expect accountability from a sociopath is to miss the entire point of their condition…no one can expect remorse or accountability from a sociopath! we can corner them, imprison them, torture them back….becoming what, becoming like them?
Amazing how reading all of these posts, seems you’ve literally met mine. I like how some refer to them as “IT”. This is the way they see humans, as a “project”, a non feeling being. They are void of “feelings”, & think we are weak & stupid, so why not get something out of it? Even if just amusement.
I sometimes give him credit for some feelings, a BIG mistake. He turns it into more power over me.
I live w/mine for now, I’ve talked it over w/my College age sons, & we agree it’s best not to change for now, financial reasons. But an emotional distance is Crucial, or he’ll move in for the kill.
I can’t help think of him as an un-evolved animal, viscious & scared, unable to be dealt with with any emotion. He just goes thru life scratching & biting for whatever he thinks he needs. Maybe that’s an insult to animals. My point is very non-human behavior, sometimes I think satanic? Is it just me?
FREED FROM MINNIE ME~~~Dearest Donna, I cannot “Thank you enough” I could write the book on the him, wow did I get wooed and he he did exactly what you said and studied me until he did the rush to the ALTAR~~Oh yes also I was his soulmate too…I was his everything…after he abandoned me as he did his 3 children who are all a walking wreck…sad for them but they are carrying his same traits~~I have done my work and cannot disclose most of it but as said Karma is there believe me..he holds no accountability for anything he has done and continues on with his patterns he is not chasing me through emails etc….he has others doing it and has another victim this time she had enough warnings as I did not so let her wallow in her own pity one day…as he has done the same thing the flowers…oh my wife is such a bad person..she did this and that, he even has the new company he is working for in Ohio CONVINCED oh boy are they in for a surprise as they have seen his tempers and behavior but they are gold seekers so they want him around to be the one who convinces people to buy their franchises as we know the psychopath makes the best salseman…there is more to come but, it has to run it course for now i can’t thank you enough for being my self again..happy, devoted, loving and above all regained trust my son and I have always been close..but the monster did his best to destroy that and my son is a very well adjusted adult..so his texts and lies from the monster he ignores but as me he knows now the truth and the facts and that his mother has finally accepted every woman will be his victim..you are so right they love drama as his entire family is filled with it…instead of walking in peace they can’t even get along for a Thanksgiving dinner…so may he wallow in his thoughs that he is perfect weathy and loved because they cannot love and true he was tortured as a child so he wants to torture others as he knows no different…but boy what an actor…if there was an academy award for Sociopath’s please award him..but knowing he has called the world and told them I was the bitch from hell…I am loving it…as he did that about his children to me…and his previous victims some who got away and some who still suffer..And i choose never to be like MINNIE ME~~~
I posted about him all over the internet – about his lying about having STDs and giving me herpes, being a womanizer, all of his tactics. I went to Orchestra Hall and hung signs in the women’s restroom stating that the Minnesota Orchestra’s principal flutist lies about having herpes and genital warts, and don’t go home with him after the concert tonight. I’ve spent the last 5 years making his life hell, warning women everywhere, making it harder for him to get laid via dating websites, and I’m not sorry, nor am I finished. Sure, my life was ruined, but now his is too, and that’s a good thing.
Bulletproof,
yeh I watched that docu re Ian Brady. What a vile individual….he refuses to communicate and so an advocate is employed for him!! WTF? ….is surely the response from most people who watched last night. He has been on hunger strike for 30 years, necessitating tube feeding to keep him alive. He is on hunger strike because he wants to be allowed to die and has even taken the hospital to court to get what he wants. As many of the psychs said last night, psychopathy is about power and control. He isn’t going to get his own way and so they keep “force” feeding him. Good. Hope it’s painful and drawn out
The best revenge I got on the last sociopath who entered my life was to warn each and every person he had ever contacted online and telling them of the fraud he has perpetrated on everyone. Not all of them believed me (and those were mostly men), but the women took heed of my warnings. And I also contacted every woman on his MyYearBook friends list and told them the same information. I had the pleasure of speaking personally to his next victim (which really pissed him off). I warned her about him but she gave him a chance anyway. She regretted it after a few weeks and kicked him out. He goes from town to town seeking out new women to take advantage of and gleans sympathy by claiming to have lost a wife and son in a motorcycle accident (which I found out AFTER I moved him in is a total lie).
If I could…I’d continue to warn women away not only for revenge…but to save one more woman from him.