You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my friends here. I decided not to interfere (as she put it) i don’t think I told U guys this. And this is why I have a distaste for her. About 3 weeks ago I got the call any grandmother would not want to get, my 3 yr. old grandson fell in the pool , He was in an ambulance and my daughter didn’t know if he was alive. I flew into my car, but I had to sit for about 5 min. Until they told me which hospital. I was terrified! My husband died , I looked over to the empty seat and I don’t know why but I picked up my phone and texted this to the ex. I’m so scared, Colton is in an ambulance and I don’t know if he is alive! I don’t want to make Sue mad , I just thought you might want to know. As soon as I hit send, I thought “What did I do that for!”
Well Colton is fine, thank God! About 1:00 I got a text from his phone, but her texting. Please excuse the language. U damn bitch! Least T alone, he is mine now! Meet me Sat. Night at crossroads and I’ll put an end to this. Not one word about the baby! I text back I was sorry, I didn’t know why I did it, but T was around him for 2 yrs. so I thought he might want to know. Another nasty text from her, still no mention of the baby. I finally said, call me I’m up I’ll answer any question u want. She called, I can’t believe I was so calm through the whole thing.
All she did was through up how he was gets now and he had a family now, her kids and grand baby. I could hear him laughing in the background. He was loving it, laughing at me and telling her things to say. So now that they are broke up, I feel a littlt bit of happy, cause he is miserable again and she will eat those words she said to me.
I’m going to move on and have started to. For some reason I think u will always have them n the corner of your mind , because when u are vulnerable and they tell you what u want to hear, there is that regret that they were not who u thought they were, that person is the one u long for. I was alone 1 and 1/2 years after my husband died and when he came along and high school sweet heart at that! It’s only been about 3 mo. That I’ve had nc with him so I decided to give myself a break, not to be so hard on myself. I’m not warning another one and I understand now why the ones in his family did try to tell me, only told me a littlt. They knew how good a liar he was!
Love my friends here and Donna for this outlet.
No truer words, ffwr. They are never happy, on the other hand, they are never sad. They can emulate where and when necessary.
Reality – They just are.
They do get frustrated when their plans go astray, when they lose control. They become abusive when they realize that they are no longer ‘king of the hill’, when their word is no longer gospel.
Some leave when they have completed their agenda, others will never cut ties.
When they do accomplish something in life, they don’t appreciate it, they find no joy. Spaths don’t even care about tangible things they have, they destroy them, just as they do people.
At least the latespath, didn’t even care about himself; just not getting caught. He always bragged about how delicious fatty meat was and used salt by the spoonful; while putting down any healthy foods.
I guess the latespath was perfectly correct when he said that ‘all that matters is logic, emotions are a waste’; at least when describing a sociopath.
If there are children, spouses, SO’s, senior citizens(elder financial abuse), involved, then they should be informed in some way, about the sociopath; it’s not revenge on the spath rather knowledge to those that are being kept in the dark. Anonymous is fine. Details are most helpful, just saying ‘he/she is cheating’, ‘he/she destroyed my life’ doesn’t do it. Way to easy for the recipient to ignore it or the spath to deny it.
This is not high school when you saw ‘Mike’ with ‘Suzie’ while he was going steady with ‘Jill’. This is real life.
The latespath chose the escorting world because of SILENCE. The real word was way too dangerous, mouthy.
While people think that by staying silent, they are helping, that is not always the case. Had anyone bothered to read the latespath’s posts (that site allows for ‘search by author’) they would have found:’still married, many problems’; ‘wife simply just disinterested, on the other hand not so simply’; ‘EscortM is my significant other but am still married at in name’. How was their silence helping.
All someone had to do was tell me that the latespath was spending money like a ‘drunken sailor’, no mention of sex–then the flag would have flying.
Just be careful how you tell the person. If it’s a friend, be prepared for the tears. If they ask how you know ‘it’s going around’ or ‘someone, i’d prefer not to mention names, told me’, will do. If’s a stranger or sort of stranger, the email, snail mail, social media already mentioned is fine. It might even be worth going to Walmarts, convenience store, etc and buying a $10.00 throw away phone and texting that way; disposo-phones are completely untraceable, that’s why they are the choice in the escorting world.
Months of being hurt, sure beats losing decades of your life at best.
Tea and FFWR, thank you sincerely for taking the time to thoughtfully respond. I’m printing both of these out today and re-reading a million times to remind myself. I feel so strong some days but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of the situation. My feelings have evolved from missing him and the child, to “how could he do this”, to I hate his guts, and now I am doing a lot of self reflection and internalizing. I’ve started dating and I am actually feeling pretty good. I just worry that I will carry this with me forever….meaning he still takes up so much of my head space.
FF, I do feel that I am going to get that same apology one day as well. Kudos to you for remaining strong!!
Serenity12, I like you was very strong willed and once I caught onto his game it was over. Lets just say I held up a mirror in front of him and he didn’t like it. I am getting much better now and so will you. I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my time on him! I too am going to print out Imara’s moms quote. And pass it along to all women.
Me too Still, I love Imara’s mum’s quote, I’m printing it too.You and Serenity’ll be fine, just fine. Love to both of you.
Hi Still Standing:
Glad you’re still here!
Imara, your mum rules.
Thank You guys!!! She was an amazing lady and my greatest strength in my darkest hours…
I wanted to let my friends here know I changed my log in name from KAthyj to still-Standng , in case I need to pass this website along to some other victim. They would know from my initials
Looking through the archives and feeling rather nostalgic for the much missed presences of strongawoman et al. This information from BBE caught my eye. Interesting theory, of BPD being a possible female correlative to the predominantly male phenomena of sociopathy/ psychopathy and anti social PD. Anyone familiar with the highly destructive and volatile behaviours associated with BPD would probably agree that those suffering from this PD are just as toxic as sociopaths, although oddly they can , when they are not engaged in raging and paranoid, actually be capable of empathy.
Hi Tea Light. Nice to hear from you. Hope you are holding up. I too have been thinking a lot the last couple of weeks about BPD. The article I read on this site a couple of months ago comes to mind often. When you add these temporary residents to those who reside full time in the land where you can never win, it makes it difficult to relax at all, to let down your guard. Exhausting as it is, what choice do we have ? Peace to you.
4light, I hear you. And wishing peace right back at you. Hoping all is as well as can be expected at 4light towers. I’m alright, some work related problems that I’m hoping to resolve with the help of my union due to my long absence due to the aftermath of my relationship with the mummy’s boy from hell. Trying to stay focused on my values and goals and on living well. So good to have you as part of the LF community, 4light.
“. . . oddly they can, when they are not engaged in raging and paranoi[a], actually be capable of empathy.”
Sounds exactly like my sister. (Hence the name “sistersister.” Two sisters there.)
I’ve always maintained on this site that a lot of spaths are capable of partitioning themselves in such a way that they can seem really decent in some respects, and probably are sincerely nice people in those areas. It makes them MORE dangerous, not less, as you let your guard down.
The consequences of getting back in the game would far outweigh the poor opinion of me from other people.
I hang out here to dump these stories and leave them here, so I won’t be tempted to justify myself in other places.
Hi Tea & 4light!,
Good to see the two of you! 🙂 Tea,I hope your work issues are resolved soon!
I have a neighbor whose youngest daughter has BPD.Atleast her daughter is receiving counseling.But,unfortunately,the PD has caused so much interruption in their relationship that it barely exists.
Blossom , I’ve been reading up on BPD in recent days. Splitting in particular, and the volatile emotions and inappropriate intense anger which are features of this PD.